Essays / Compare film Stagecoach and Unforgiven [4]

Greetings!

That's a very good question! There is more than one way to structure a compare and contrast essay. Here are a couple of the most-used kinds (I couldn't get very specific, as I haven't seen Unforgiven and haven't seen Stagecoach in about 30 years :-) :

Comparing and then contrasting:

1. Introduction

2. Similarities between Stagecoach and Unforgiven
* Both are Westerns
* Both have [an element]
* Both also have [another element]
* Both use metaphor to express ... (aren't there always metaphors? ;-))

3. Differences between Stagecoach and Unforgiven
* Stagecoach uses the classic Western formula of ...
* Unforgiven [differs in some manner]

4. Conclusion

Or, you could simply talk about one film, then the other:

1. Introduction

2. Stagecoach
* Had this element
* Had that happen
* Contained this

3.Unforgiven
* Had this element
* Had that happen
* Contained this

4. Conclusion

I hope this helps get your thoughts into an orderly and coherent formation!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Have to write 13 Media Logs... [4]

Greetings!

That sounds like an interesting assignment! Before I can help you with writing it, though, I need to know what a media log is! Do you have a definition of "media log" you could post?

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on the sociological influences of the Greek Orthodox Church [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some feedback on your excellent essay!

in the twenty-first century Greece - When to use articles such as "the" can be very tricky, even for someone who is as fluent in English as you are. You don't need to use "the" with noncountable nouns (things that can't be counted) referring to something in a general sense, or, as here, with names of countries. For an excellent and simple-to-understand review of when to use--and not use--articles, have a look here: owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/esl/eslart.html

Beyond the symbol of the Jesus's - Don't use "the" before Jesus (although you would say "the Savior"); also, while nowadays it is generally accepted as correct to use 's to form the possessive of a name, even one ending in "s", ancient names are an exception: Jesus'; Oedipus'; Hercules', etc.

the school year customary commences - you want to say "customarily" here.

Orthodox religious education is derogatory for the pupils - I'm not sure what you were meaning here, but I don't think you mean "derogatory"; that is defined as tending to lessen the merit or reputation of a person or thing, or disparaging.

its leader His Grace Christopoulos stands - add commas to set off the name: "its leader, His Grace Christopoulos, stands..."

Helen Empire - You can say "Hellenic Empire" or "Hellenistic civilization" but not Helen.

That attachment to the icons reaches its climax when entering a place of worship, the faithful kisses those sacred representations. - Use a semicolon after worship; say, "the faithful kiss"

December, the thirty-first, 2000 - December 31, 2000.

Therefore, divorce rate is low. - This time, you need an article: "the divorce rate"

Greek Orthodox institution allows married men with children to enter the become priests. - Say, "... to enter the priesthood."

Religious and political leaders will compromise with question of the woman's emancipation - Better would be "Religious and political leaders will compromise on questions of women's emancipation."

I wasn't aware of the name for "Greeklish" -- interesting! Now all you need is a good summarizing paragraph for your conclusion and you'll be finished! Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Stress - Cause & Effect essay - having a hard time coming up with a topic [6]

Greetings!

Your essay is coming along really well! You're right about the transition, but I have a suggestion:
If you'll start the paragraph with these sentences, you'll have a smoother transition into the types of stress: "While I am one that says I am stressed out quite frequently, I never knew there were different kinds of stress. Stress was stress in my eyes until looking into it in more depth." Then go into the "Stress management can be complicated" part.

A few editing tips on typos and/or spelling:

not easy with three female in one bathroom - females

a day at the office is pretty mello. - mellow

I am going none stop - non-stop

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Differences between 'to cow' and 'to bull' - Examsmanship & the Liberal Arts [14]

Greetings!

To address your last question first, I'm not sure you need that quote about "a liberal education." It's a more general observation, rather than being right on point about cows and bulls.

You wrote: Someone well-versed in "bull" ultimately has no idea what he's talking about it. - This is essentially what I said, but perhaps I should have added, "or at least, he has no idea of the facts underlying what he's talking about." The "bull" student may have a grasp of cause-and-effect which the "cow" misses entirely, like the student in the essay who was caught taking an exam for a class he wasn't enrolled in.

This describes pretty well the qualities of a "cow": Students who "cow," believe blindly in the facts that they are told without any knowledge or conclusion drawn from that fact. They are unable to look beneath the bare facts in order to understand why something has taken place. Not only do they lack imagination, they lack the ability to truly think.

The qualities of a bull would include being able to discourse endlessly on virtually any topic without presenting any facts in support of his assertions. He is a sleight-of-hand magician who is all about flourish over substance.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / "Night" Book review [2]

Greetings!

Well, first, let's make sure we're talking about the same work; I think you mean Night, by Elie Wiesel. It is a deeply moving autobiographical account of his survival as a teenager in the Nazi death camps of WWII. Wiesel was passionately dedicated to telling his story so that the world would never forget what inhumanity humans can inflict on one another. It is important from an historical perspective, but also from a human one. High school students would benefit from understanding the events surrounding the Holocaust, and might grow emotionally from empathizing with those who endured so much.

I hope this helps you get started! There is quite of bit of information on this book available online. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / my action research project [4]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you advice on ideas, content and editing. It would help if you could post the assignment instructions so I'll know exactly what is needed for this project.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Captain Richard Montero - Composition II [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some pointers on your fine essay!

"The very prison he was once leader of was now his cage--albeit run by the people."- To avoid a fragment, make this one sentence; also, the verb is "run" in this instance.

"The slovenly state he found himself in matched..."

I think all your emboldened words are fine except for "recapitulated." Recapitulated means to summarize, but it's more of a summing-up after a speech or presentation; you would need "he" in front of it, but I don't think it's really the right context for this word.

All in all, I think you've done an excellent job! I enjoyed reading it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / using 'at the turn of the century' [4]

Greetings!

Until recently, whenever someone said "at the turn of the century," it was understood that the person meant the turn of the 20th century--then, another century turned! I think that, at least the first time you use the phrase, it might be best to say "the turn of the 20th century"; in subsequent references you could leave out "20th"--although there are other phrases that apply, as well. One expression that is sometimes heard is "fin de siecle" which is French for "end of the century" and roughly refers to the years 1890 to 1914, particularly in Europe. It has implications of the decadence of a prosperous period, with a hint of major changes approaching. You might find some useful information by using "fin de siecle" as an internet search term.

Your paper sounds like it will be very interesting! Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Differences between 'to cow' and 'to bull' - Examsmanship & the Liberal Arts [14]

Greetings!

I think you could probably take out this part of this quote without losing anything: "The implicit refusal to consider the relativity of both ends and means leaves the operator in an unconsidered proprietary absolutism. History bears witness that in the pinches this moral superiority has no recourse to negotiation, only to force."

Your sentence about the person well-versed in "bull" still misses the mark a bit for me. Remember that, by Perry's own words, a bull type has very little "familiarity with content"; in other words, he really has no idea what he's talking about, but he talks about it very well! He not only does not have proof, he doesn't know what facts it is he would need to prove if he DID have proof! :-)) It's all smoke and mirrors. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain--the great and powerful Oz has spoken!" It's like the "Wizard" sending Dorothy and company on a quest to bring back the wicked witch's broomstick--it occupied them for a while, and they were certainly impressed and enthralled by the amazing "Wizard"--but the broomstick was just a ruse; he didn't need it. And he was, after all, just a little guy behind a curtain, pulling some levers. The trick for the bull artist is to never let anyone see behind the curtain.

It's interesting to note that, in the description of the bull student, Perry says that type "knows full well" what he is missing; there's an implication there that the cow-type is clueless about what he's missing; he regurgitates facts, not realizing their underlying importance.

Since your instructions specifically say to use quotes from the essay, by all means use that to your advantage! But I still think that two sentences per quotation is usually plenty; otherwise, by the time your reader gets to the end of the quoted material, s/he has forgotten what your point was in quoting it! :-) Just pick the parts of the quoted material that you think best illustrate what you're trying to say.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A Parent's Worst Nightmare; Counter Arguments [12]

Greetings!

I'm glad I was able to help! You are more than welcome to use not only my ideas but any of my words you find appropriate, as well. We're here to help! :-))

You're right, about others having the right to their opinions, but I feel we all have the right to speak out against things we feel are morally wrong; I didn't find your essay opinionated in the least. I suppose one could make a First Amendment free speech argument with regard to what people post online, or put on their websites...the extreme view being, we have to surrender control of what our children see online to whoever wishes to put their views out there; free speech must win over the safety of our children! (No one would actually say that, but that's the logical outcome of preventing all interference with free speech--and I say that as a strong supporter of the First Amendment! It's a tough balancing act!)

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A Parent's Worst Nightmare; Counter Arguments [12]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some input on your excellent essay!

I tend to agree with your instructor that your thesis is a bit weak. It needs to stand on its own a little more, rather than referring to "these experiences." Something like this: "Online predators, pornography, drug trafficking, piracy, and hate sites are a constant threat to children who use the internet. Only by teaching them safe surfing habits and employing the proper prevention tools can parents protect their children from the dangers that lurk online." (I'm not aware of a rule that says a thesis must be only one sentence, but instructors' preferences do vary.)

Something I noticed:

Another risk of continued exposure to drug usage is children feeling isolated and is unable to fit in. This can lead kids to groups of people that prey on this type of behavior and make them feel welcome. - This seems rather out of place in the section on downloading piracy.

Be aware of matching single subjects with single verbs, and plural with plural. For example, "Open communication with them; it could save their lives." It is usually best to end with a sentence or two that mirror your thesis. Don't use the exact same words, but make it similar.

I'm a little unclear on the "counter-arguments." Are you supposed to argue (or include others' arguments) that parents should just let their kids do whatever they want online because no harm can come from it?! Or is it that parents shouldn't waste their time because the problem is so widespread there's nothing they can do besides not allow internet in their homes? This doesn't strike me as the kind of subject there would be a strong counter-argument for, but I suppose your instructor must have something in mind. Perhaps you could include information about how easily children learn to get around parental controls.

You've done a lot of work and some really good writing! I hope my comments have helped some!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / The world will get more riddled with war - scholarship essay [6]

Greetings!

If the prompt you are supposed to write from says to "Either agree or disagree with this statement and explain your rationale" then that is precisely what you must do. Begin by stating the proposition, "Many experts believe that the world will continue to get more riddled with war and violence over the course of the next ten years" and then say either, "I agree with the experts who say this" or "I disagree..." and tell why. The persuasiveness of your essay will depend upon how well you use facts to bolster your position.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The veltd - how to write an advertisement article on a house [6]

Greetings!

That's a good start! Your assignment instructions said you need to include "details about the product, the price, and why it is necessity for the consumers"; by all means, do this! You have given some details about the product; you can talk more about the magic power, or leave that a mystery and use other details. You may want your next paragraph to talk about price. For that, I'd suggest mentioning not only the price of the product, but how much more you would have to pay to hire someone to do all the things that your product is going to do for you! Talk about what a savings this will be (this counters the inevitable consumer attitude of "why should I pay that much?").

Once you've covered price, for your third paragraph you can talk about why this is such a necessity (the hours of hard work saved, the time you'll now have to spend with your family, etc.) End by summing up, and you'll be done!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The veltd - how to write an advertisement article on a house [6]

Greetings!

I'd be glad to help! First, a bit of editing on what you already have:

"Introducing a new magnificent house that will make your life easier! You heard it right, this house has the ability to automatically cook food, clean dishes, wash laundry, dry clothes, and clean rooms."

I think the problem is, though, you have condensed all the house's features into one sentence; you've said it all and left yourself with nowhere else to go!

Let's see if we can expand it a little. What if we first focus on the "make your life easier" part. Why do we need a house like this? Because of the way our lives are without the house!

"Does your life look like this? After a long day at work, you come home to find two days' worth of dishes in the sink, piles of dirty laundry screaming to be washed, and a houseful of rooms so filthy you can scarcely see the floor! If only you could sit down, relax, and wait for someone to bring you a nice hot meal! Sound like a dream? Dream no more!"

Once you've got potential customers hooked on the idea of how wonderful their lives could be if only they owned this house, then you can go into more detail about price, etc. Paint a picture for the consumer and you'll have an easier time filling out three paragraphs!

I hope this gives you some ideas! (You're welcome to use any of mine.)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Differences between 'to cow' and 'to bull' - Examsmanship & the Liberal Arts [14]

Greetings!

Your essay is coming along nicely! To answer your question, yes, the quote about a liberal education is a good one; it might fit in the discussion about cows, to show what it is that a cow seems incapable of doing. One thing I noticed, though, is that your essay is rather quote-heavy. Your instructor might prefer to see a bit more of your own thoughts; they can be fussy about not wanting a lot of space taken up by quotations which fill up the word limit without providing new insight. Of course, once you fill in the parts you indicated it will have more of your words, but just as a general guideline, one sentence per quote (two if they're short) is usually plenty. For example, you could remove this sentence: "It is not in accord either, as far as I can see, with the stated values of a liberal education." You can also use ellipses (...) to take out parts of sentences, keeping the meaning.

Remember when you have quotation marks inside a quotation to use single quotes:
"If a liberal education should teach students 'how to think,' not only in their own fields..."

Just a couple of other editing suggestions:
"the age-old learning styles of curriculum based instruction that is used throughout America's school systems. - To make your subject and verb both singular, say "style."

"one would be robbing them self of his education and soul." - Never say "them self"; to make your subject and verb agree, you can say "one would be robbing himself" or "they [or people] would be robbing themselves."

"Someone well-versed in "bull" could probably go on for pages about any material that came without the slightest idea or proof why." - I'm not sure I agree with this. Bulls tend to understand the "why"; it's the "what" they are shaky about, because they don't bother memorizing facts.

You're welcome to use any of my verbiage that you like. :-))

Good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Reforming the UN - Custom Written Essay [2]

Greetings!

Your essay is very well-written and informative! Content-wise, I think you're fine; I just have a few suggestions regarding grammar:

"in order to play a more effective and representative role of 21st Century geopolitics."

Secondly, this essay will discuss the need to increase the size of the Security Council to represent a geographical balance between [delete in] the member states. Finally, it will explain the need to make [not construct] the Security Council more transparent and effective.

as the five members are able to prevent many issues from reaching the Council's agenda, the veto power is a problem as it [delete constructs] makes the council undemocratic and ineffective

By exercising the veto power, any permanent members can prevent the passage of a resolution [delete not], and the simple threat of a veto may lead to changes in the text of a resolution.

make some adjustments to the greatest states' [add apostrophe] power.

it needs to enhance its [delete apostrophe] geographical[delete ly] representation in the Council.

However, times have changed and the members that were seen as being powerful in 1945 do not have as wide an influence in the international realm as before.

These states argue that it wants to increase its region representation - I'm not sure who "it" is in this sentence; do you mean they want to increase their regions' representation?

[delete While] Others claim, that the enlargement would make the Council unwieldy and ineffective

The overall consensus is that the Security Council needs to be enlarged for it to be more representative[delete s]

However, it is argued that much remains in progress. - Avoid using the passive voice; who is doing the arguing?

Indeed, it is eminent [I'm not sure "eminent" is the word you meant, here] that the Council increases its transparencies but with the veto power held by the permanent members, that makes it very difficult for any rapid, radical changes.

In conclusion, as the permanent five members hold the power to veto, it prevents a numerous issues from reaching the Council's agenda. - This needs re-wording; perhaps "...with the permanent five members holding the veto power, numerous issues are prevented from reaching the Council's agenda."

while other members possessing a more significant geopolitical weight have no voice.

Over [delete the] recent years, the UN has made some effort in trying to improve its efficiency and transparency but it is evident that [delete still it is not good enough, as] much more can be done. If [delete with] the permanent five ever decides to cooperate to reform the UN, it will serve as a greater tool in the international arena and create a better future for the world.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Child-centred practice ignores the individuality of children's needs. Essay regarding bullying.... [11]

Greetings!

I think your essay has turned out very well! When you ask whether you have defined the topic, do you mean your definition of child-centered practice as "being aware of children at all times"? I don't know the correct definition of the term, so I can't say for sure; however, it does seem to me that there must be more to the definition than that. I think you should probably define the term specifically before launching into your argument about whether it is a good educational approach. Other than that suggestion, I will just make a couple of small editing observations:

When dealing with bullying behaviour in any way, [add comma] whether it is activities regarding bullying of a child in the class or drama role-play,

In summary, I believe that a child-centred approach could be very beneficial to the learning process if this technique is used and monitored in a controlled environment; [use semicolon here instead of comma] however, it is vital to remember that a child's best interest is of utmost importance. -- You might want to start a new paragraph with "In summary..."

Your hard work has paid off! Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Differences between 'to cow' and 'to bull' - Examsmanship & the Liberal Arts [14]

Greetings!

I had not read this before, so I had a look. What an enjoyably sardonic commentary on university education!

You are on the right track with your understanding of what Perry describes as "cowing" and "bulling"--but I think it is even worse than you have understood it to be--which is bad enough. :-)) Students who are only capable of cowing are unable to look beneath the bare facts in order to understand why something has taken place; not only do they lack imagination, they lack the ability to truly think. It puts me in mind of that famous quote about those who do not learn from history being doomed to repeat it. Such a person might be able to tell you the place and date of every battle in WWII...but nothing about the underlying causes of the war.

Someone well-versed in bull, on the other hand, could probably go on for pages about the economic, social, and political stressors that came into a perfect juxtaposition for the creation of a world war--without the slightest idea when it started. It's not merely a matter of not supplying any proof--they don't know the proof; they "bull" their way through the exam.

Perry has more concern about the "cow" student than the "bull"; why would this be? Essentially, it's because the "buller" can learn facts; the "cower" probably can't learn to think deeply.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / 'basis upon which the rule of law were formed'; Magna Carta and Bill of Rights [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some feedback on your excellent essay!

It is evident that in today's society, the rule of law and its principles are apparent throughout the judicial process. - "It is evident...its principles are apparent" is redundant; I'd get rid of "It is evident" and begin with "In today's society..."

"...and finally, that punishment cannot be implemented unless the courts decide a breach of law has occurred." - You gave each of the first two points their own sentence. For balance, I'd give this third point its own as well: "Finally, ..."

"theses legalities form a foundation to which the rule of law is governed by." - "theses is probaby a typo. Better sentence construction would be "these legalities form a foundation by which the rule of law is governed."

"Procedural legalities entail due process with emphasis placed on fair criminal procedure and access to courts; with the law not only enforced but society being treated equally to it." - Make the semicolon a comma (because the second clause cannot stand on its own). I think you mean "being treated equally by it."

"This is apparent in the Bill of Rights were parliament desired fair criminal procedure, and in the Magna Carta, were barons demanded access to justice." - "where" not "were"

"in order with an aim to create" - this is redundant; say either "in order to" or "with an aim to"

"the judiciary's responsibility is to guarantee that government power is not definite." - Are you sure you mean "defiinite"? Perhaps "infinite"?

In the cases of Chu Kheng Lim v. Minister for Immigration and Australian Communist Party v. The Commonwealth, the courts confirmed the rule of law's ability to place limitations on subjective government power. - I added some punctuation; normally the abbreviation for 'versus' has a period after it: v.

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.

Scholarship / the most advanced education, Essay for Scholarship! [4]

Greetings!

I think you've done a very good job of answering the three questions! It also seems like a pretty good length. Often, you are given a word limit with this sort of essay; if you were not told to make it a specific length, I think this is probably about right. I think your writing style is very good! :-)

There are a few places which need a little help with the English, but not that many. Some of them are very subtle:

The reason of my chose to be a specialist in the field of Environmental study - The reason I have chosen

Everyday, Ho Chi Minh City receive around 200.000 m3 - Every day, Ho Chi Minh City receives...

Unfortunately, there is approximately 40% of that amount of waste water is treated before released to the natural environment - Unfortunately, approximately 40% of that amount of waste water is treated before being released to the natural environment

The environment of the South of Vietnam is not only under the big pressure of the industrialization but also threaten by the contaminations come from natural disasters. - The environment of South of Vietnam is not only under big pressure from industrialization but also threatened by the contamination from natural disasters.

there is only 40% the Mekong Delta peoples have safe drinking water. - only 40% of the Mekong Delta people have safe drinking water

The sicknesses happen in the flood season - The illnesses which happen...(or "which occur")

In the serious floods in 2000, 2001, 2002 there are 1,683 peoples died and 72% of them are under 16 years' old children. - In the serious floods in 2000, 2001, 2002 there were 1,683 people who died and 72% of them were under 16 years of age.

For solving these challenged problems to reach for the sustainable development - For solving these challenging problems to reach sustainable development

Taking reference at the study program in YYY in XYZ University make me strongly believe that I will not only well trained the specialty knowledge but also effective teaching methods and research skill as well from the experienced professors. - [I'm not sure what "Taking reference at the study program" means] I strongly believe that by pursuing my studies in YYY at XYZ University I will become not only well-trained in specialized knowledge but I will also learn effective teaching methods and research skills from the experienced professors.

By this way, I can continuous update the knowledge and help to solve the international environmental issues. - In this way, I can continue to update my knowledge and help to solve the serious international environmental issues facing our world.

I added a little to the end to give it more of a feeling of finality, for a closing. I hope this helps and wish you the best with your scholarship!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Stress - Cause & Effect essay - having a hard time coming up with a topic [6]

Greetings!

Two to three pages isn't a terribly long essay, so perhaps you would find it easier to focus on one specific reason. You could try a rough draft with one, then see if you are going to have trouble fulfilling the page requirement. Then, if you're really short, you could broaden it a little. Just a thought.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Character analysis on Doctor Faustus [4]

Greetings!

No, I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that movie. I did Google it, however, and found quite a bit of information. You might want to try that, to help you get started.

I also find, when I am needing to compare one thing to another, that making a list--of the attributes, actions, characteristics, and so forth--of both, before I begin writing, can provide insight.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / TRANSLATION REPORT; STUDENT FROM FRANCE [4]

Greetings!

This is a free site, so we would be happy to help you at no charge! :-) You may need to do it in more than one post, due to the length.

I can give you editing advice within 24 hours of the time you post it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / economic causes; Essay on the reasons for attending APUS [2]

Greetings!

Your writing is very good, and your command of English very impressive! I think you do a marvelous job of answering the prompt. My suggestions have to do mainly with word choice, to express your English more like a native English-speaker:

What can expect an individual from them? - Say "What can an individual expect from them?"
Does it necessitate particular competences? - I think you mean "competencies."
curriculums - the plural of curriculum is curricula (it still uses a Latin ending)
a graduate has a superior pecuniary potential and therefore economizes more. - I'm not sure you mean "economizes"; that refers to saving money; to be frugal.

graduates habitually keep white-collar jobs. - to "keep" a job means not to lose it; I think you mean they work at white-collar jobs.

among that trouble, - this phrase does not translate well to English; you could leave it out and be fine.
I intend to orientate my career toward domains in which I am interested in working for, namely the International Relations and the Military History. - Remove "in which" and both "the"s; English doesn't use as many articles as French, though it can be difficult to tell when to leave them out. :-)

students ranging from the Plato's Academy to the Harvard's lecture halls - same thing here; leave out "the" both times (I like your analogy, though).

I have learnt a scientific method for schoolwork. - This is a small matter, but "learnt" is British English; Americans say "learned."

Subsequently, I found my research from a wide variety of sources such as books, magazines, and websites. - You have been using present tense; stick with it and say "I find..."

I have been working since fourteen years and have frequently been using that methodology. - English does not use "since" quite the same as the French "depuis"; if you mean you started working 14 years ago, say "I have been working for fourteen years"; if you mean you were 14 years of age when you started, say, "I have been working since the age of fourteen..." Also, it would probably be better to say "and have frequently used that methodology"

Despite that seems to be a strong background to undertake undergraduate studies - "that" isn't quite right here. I think it would be better to say, "Despite what seems to be a strong background for undertaking undergraduate studies..."

You're doing very well! Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Myth of Love - An Athology that relates most to me [3]

I'm not sure where to find the Viorst work, but I'd recommend checking your school library's database. If you already have, without luck, try asking a librarian. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / the New York Times selects its reader; Times Fashion Magazine [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay presents an interesting analysis! While I found your observations astute, it did seem to me that you focused more on content than on language. If the assignment is to write about how the language used in the articles helps convey the underlying message, you might want to include a bit more of the specific language found in the articles.

Aside from that, I just have a few editing suggestions:

New York Post is a more efficient than the Wall Street Journal - a more effiicient what?

stereotype newspapers and other forms of media into categorizes. - I think you mean categories.

you should go with The Wall Street Journal; or, how Fox News is Republican

the understanding of fashion industry, which pretty much spoke out for the majority of the other articles. - I'm not sure exactly what this means.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Myth of Love - An Athology that relates most to me [3]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help you with some editing. Here are some suggestions:

I feel the story that I identify most with especially is "The Myth of The Cave", by Plato. - That's a bit redundant; say either "most with" or "especiialy," but not both. Also, put commas (and periods) inside quotation marks, unless you're using British English.

I was happy just watching [no comma] my shadows, my illusions, [add comma] just pass by.
...couples hold hands as if they were truly in love. [add period] I too was one of them

You do a good job of relating the Plato quotes to yourself. I did, however, find the references to the "lovely couples" a little confusing. Who are they and why do you say they tell each other lies? You say the "couples hold hands as if they were truly in love"--what makes you think they're not? I understand how your experiences relate to the Plato references, but it isn't clear why the couples are in there.

You also might want to expand a little more on what Plato was talking about, the underlying meaning. You're off to a good start, though!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / My personal understanding of the word "privilege" - Paper on a 'Current Law' [2]

Greetings!

I think you're off to a great start with your essay! So far, you have presented what the law is and also what the proposed amendment to the law is. You haven't yet really begun your critique of the law, other than a sardonic observation of the meaning of the word "privilege" (which I thought was an excellent way to begin!). There is plenty to pick apart in this law. For example, when it was first enacted in 1935, the Great Depression was on, and there was quite a divide between the wealthy and--well, everybody else. The financial shenanigans of the "haves" were seen as the cause of the depression, if I recall my history correctly. So, the law was created essentially, it could be argued, as a tax on the rich, during a time when many families still did not own a vehicle. The effect of the law has totally changed over time, so that it impacts virtually everyone, not just the wealthy. No longer is it a tax on the privileged few.

The "down side" of the current law is a big one; if you buy a car in another state, one with a big sales or excise tax, and then move to W. Va., you have to pay again, so the amendment is definitely needed.

The only suggestion I would make for a change to what you've already written is in your second paragraph. I imagine the language "effecting the certification of title of a motor vehicle" comes from the statute. If you're quoting the statute (with appropriate citation), that's fine; but as it is now, you are paraphrasing and it sounds rather stilted. It might be better to put it in your own words, something like, "titling a vehicle" instead of "effecting the certification of title of a motor vehicle."

I hope I've helped you with some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Stress - Cause & Effect essay - having a hard time coming up with a topic [6]

Greetings!

You're right, it can be difficult to come up with a topic when the assignment parameters are so broad. You're also correct that it can be easier to write about something you can relate to! To narrow it down a little, you could pick one of those, say, stress, and think about the root causes of it. For example, waiting until the last minute to write an essay can be very stressful. (I'm not suggesting that you have ever done that, of course! I'm merely throwing out ideas! ;-)) School-related stress can also be related to taking too many courses, being involved in too many extracurricular activities, financial problems, having family responsibilities--many things. You could pick one cause or several, and then talk about the effect the resulting stress has on a student: illness, lower grades, family problems, dropping out, etc.

Whatever topic you decide on, just keep narrowing it down until it feels manageable to you. Good luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / the most advanced education, Essay for Scholarship! [4]

Greetings!

I think you have a great start to your essay! To go on from here, you should probably proceed to explain how the scholarship will help you achieve your goals a little more specifically; "modern knowledge" and "international experiences" is rather general. Also, you didn't say what information the scholarship essay asked you to provide; just be sure that, if there is a specific question it asks, you answer the question in as much detail as possible.

I can also give you some editing tips:
they decided to quit their dream jobs
the only way to escape poverty is study [or, instead of study, say, "is by getting a good education."]
on an August day in 2001
boarded a train for a much bigger city than my hometown, to enter the University of Natural Sciences, Vietnam National University in Ho Chi Minh City.

With only the financial support for school fees from my family, I had taken many part-time jobs to earn a living
The reason for my continuing to choose Environmental Sciences
accompanying environmental problems become threats to our lives
We urgently need to have well-trained environmental managers
I could apply this knowledge to my teaching and researching.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Character analysis on Doctor Faustus [4]

Greetings!

Your idea certainly has potential! Faustus, however, is also a brilliant scholar with great ambitions, so not "average." Yet, it is his human weaknesses that are his undoing, showing that he is flawed, as is everyone -- thus, his "everyman" character. Five pages is going to be a pretty deep analysis. If your instructor has not specifically prohibited it, you might want to review some of the character analyses done by some of the many scholars who have written on the topic, to expand on your ideas.

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How football became an all male sport? my paper [2]

Greetings!

You've written an interesting an informative essay! I will be glad to give you some editing suggestions. You might want to state at the beginning that the BFOQ is an exception under Title VII. Instead of "In addition, the law further states," you might want to say, "The law, however, provides an exception..."

You'll need to go through your essay carefully; you have a number of places where a word is missing or the sentence is not quite grammatically correct. Here are some examples:

"Moreover, why places such as Hooters are allowed to have all female servers?"

"In contrast, these qualities that when considered in other contexts,
would be considered discriminatory, thus violating civil rights employment law (Wikipedia)." - This sentence needs re-writing; also, when you cite Wikipedia, normally you'd put the name of the entry, e.g., ("Title VII") in parentheses, and that would be how it would appear on the References page. Make sure your teacher is OK with your using Wikipedia; some instructors count off for it.

"Immediately, since the start of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC)," - This is a contradiction; "immediately" implies sudden action, "since the start of" implies something that occurred over time (in this context). You don't need "Immediately" here.

However, since the EEOC existence, employers continue to struggle with the interpretation of BFOQ. - Better might be "since the inception of the EEOC" or "since the EEOC came into existence."

hiring, firing, or promoting and employee. - Probably, you meant "an."

"Another positive is for some employers, BFOQ it is necessary to allow employers to enforce
grooming policies for the workplace." - This is a bit garbled; try re-writing it.

Moreover, she sought for damaged declaratory and injunctive relief for discrimination. - Most likely, should be "damages."

Other than going through your essay carefully to catch small errors like this, the only other suggestion I would make is that you consider making it a bit more chronological. You skip around quite a bit, and could probably make it flow better if you took a more chronological approach.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How to write a Memo? An intro to the criminal Law. [5]

Greetings!

Memos are designed to serve a specific purpose. Usually, that purpose will be either to inform the reader of a new piece of information, or to request the reader to take some sort of action. Typically, they begin with a heading something like this:

TO:
FROM:
DATE:
SUBJECT:

The following paragraphs will then present the background, or context of the problem, issue or event that is the subject of the memo (Ex: "I have written an essay on the Crimean War for my History 101 class."); the task that is being requested or request that is being responded to ("I would like to receive some feedback on this essay."); and a statement of the purpose of the memo: "I am writing to ask that you have a look at my essay and give me your recommendations as to any changes that should be made.")

Depending on the length of the memo, you may then need to go into more detail. If it is to be a short, one-page memo, you can refer the reader to any necessary attachments ("My essay is attached for your convenience") and conclude with a polite summary: "I would value your suggestions and comments on my Crimean War essay. Thank you for taking the time to consider this request."

At the bottom, make a notation of the attachment:
Attached [or "Attachment"]: Crimean War essay

Good luck with your memo!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Literature Review - Child Sex offenders [2]

Greetings!

You've done a really excellent job of researching and writing! I have only a few editing suggestions:

"a diverse range of methods have been used" - The subject is "range" so the verb should be singular: "has been used."

"...Behavioural therapy..." - I'm not sure you need a capital letter on behavioural in the middle of a sentence.

"These are the Sex Offender Intervention Program (SOIP), the Preparation for Intervention Program (PIP), the Sexual Offender Treatment Program (SOTP), and the Indigenous Sex Offender Treatment Program (ISOTP)." [I added some commas]

"Recent treatments for CSO are based on cognitive theories and on the assumption that the offenders' have common disfunctionalities." - In this sentence and others in this paragraph, don't put an apostrophe on offenders; you're not using it as a possessive form.

"It is argued that ... It is suggested ... It is argued that ... It is recommended that ..." - You use the passive voice a lot, which is generally frowned upon (oops, I did it too! :-) If the argument comes from a source, say so: "Drake and Ward argue that..."

"Toman, (2003)" - Unless you are using a citation form I'm not familiar with, you don't need a comma between the author and year.

[Typo]: those regarded as more psychopathic were more likely to engage in recidivous behaviour than those who [not how] scored low on the PCL-R.

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Voice of Common Sense" - citations correct? [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some pointers! There are also many online sites which explain the proper use of various forms of citation. Doing an internet search using "MLA citation" (or whatever style of citation you need) will get you several good ones.

I am assuming you are needing MLA citation for your paper. MLA uses in-text parentheticals which give the author's name and the page number of your reference. For example, (DeStefano 413) would mean page 413 of DeStafano's book. If you use the author's name in the sentence, you only need the page number: Destafano agrees with this view (413). Notice that you do not put the ending punctuation until after the citation, even when quoting: "I know our situation well, and can see the way out of it" (Paine). You will need to go through your essay and correct each citation. (I know ... sigh) ;-)

On your Works Cited list, make sure the titles of books are in italics (it may not show here); titles of articles are in quotation marks. For internet sources, after the name of the organization affiliated with the site, don't use "Online." Put the date in this format: 02 April 2007. Put a period after the final caret: >.

If this raises more questions than it answers, I highly recommend finding a good site that gives examples of how to cite MLA style. If your instructor wants a different style, that should be fairly easy to find, too.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Cause and effect - 'one day can change your whole outlook on life' [6]

Greetings!

That sounds like a great topic! In thinking about it, I wonder whether it might be easier to talk about it in terms of not having car insurance? For instance, I know that in my state, a lot of people choose not to buy uninsured motorist insurance. The effect of this can be that, if they get into an accident caused by someone without liability insurance, they end up with massive medical bills, too injured to work, and no money to cover their damages. In that case the cause of their problems can be traced back to that decision to waive uninsured motorist coverage.

You might start with something like, "Most people pay little attention to what types of auto insurance they may need. Instead, they buy the least coverage they can legally get away with. The result of this may be financially catastrophic for them in the event of an auto accident."

I hope this gives you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / High School: My self-realization: a significant experience and its impact on you [4]

Greetings!

You've written a really great essay! There is very little about it that needs work; I'll just make some small editing suggestions:

"Leap for Love", - In American English (as opposed to British), commas and periods always go inside the quotation mark (unless it's a single letter, as in the letter "Q", or a grade of "A".)

I felt that together the other club members and I were doing a significant part by "lifting their spirits." - You should put commas before and after "together"--if you keep it in; personally, I think it interrupts the flow and you don't need the word "together" there. Also, you really don't need quotes around "lifting their spirits"; it's not an unfamiliar phrase, nor are you using it in a nonstandard way, so the quotation marks are unnecessary.

I am grateful that I underwent these wondrous classes, for I amassed the skills that gives learning, especially reading, a whole new meaning to me. - Usually, "underwent" refers more to an ordeal, such as "I underwent surgery." How about something with a more positive ring, like "I am grateful that I had the opportunity to take these life-changing courses"? Also, "skills" is plural, so say "give" instead of "gives."

It is the perfect job for me, [add comma] not just because of the fact that I will be able to positively affect and better my patients' lives every day, but also because of my eagerness to learn as I progress. - In this sentence and the next one, "every day" should be two words. Use "everyday" as an adjective to describe something ordinary, like "Those are my everyday jeans."

Great work! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Magna Carta and Bill of Rights 1689 [4]

Greetings!

I'm not sure about other forum sites, but we'd be happy to help you with your essay here! There's loads of information available online about both the Magna Carta and Bill of Rights. Both documents are statements of the rights held by citizens, so in that respect they would be attempting to enforce those rights against the rulers of the country.

If you'd like to post a rough draft, I'd be happy to help you with editing it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Philosophy: Greek Philosophy From 600 BC to 500 AD [6]

Greetings!

I think your essay is coming along great! One thing I would suggest is that when you insert direct quotations, you make sure they flow naturally. For example: Philosophy was introduced in:

"...Ionia in Asia Minor was the cradle of Greek Philosophy." (Zeller 8) - That doesn't read quite right. You could fix that by putting [which] before "was" to indicate you added something to make it make sense, or you could simply make it two sentences: Philosophy was introduced in Ionia. "...Ionia in Asia Minor was the cradle of Greek Philosophy." (Zeller 8)

I think this must be a typo: Socrates claimed to know nothing and event made that claim at the age of seventy to the judges.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com