Writing Feedback / General Ielts: Governments should encourage employers to choose young people? [7]


When you say "as a matter of fact," you are asserting that what you say is true, not just your opinion. Do you really know that the majority of companies choose not to hire young people? If not, phrase this less decisively: Many companies fail to respect the rights and talents of young people, rarely giving them the opportunity to prove themselves.

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]


I'm questioning this bit, as I know several people who are unhappily unemployed at present. It's fine, as a general introductory passage, but you could make the essay even stronger by tying it into the times. Why not say that most people need to have a job to survive and that, in these hard times, people want to hang onto the jobs they have. For some, that means putting up with a bad boss.

(This is actually true. There's survey research showing that people are staying in jobs they dislike because they fear not being able to get another job.)

You could come back to that theme in the conclusion, suggesting that when the economy improves employees will again be on the move, looking not only for better pay and more benefits but also for better bosses.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]


This is confusing to me. Otherwise, I really like your introduction.

I notice, however, that the essay lacks a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / I believe that police protection and good schools are the main factors to create an ideal community [19]

No, it's in saying that people need to construct an ideal. We need to meet basic requirements; we long for ideals. It would be fine to say that people have always longed for an ideal community and many people have come up with specific ideas about the elements thereof.

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]


You're coming closer. If you say "the holiday season" and then immediately move onto Christmas, you are again implying that everyone enjoys Christmas, which we don't. If you want to stick with the "everyone" formula, why not say that everyone gets caught up in the excitement of holiday seasons and then go on to specify that the holiday that's most exciting for you is Christmas? This implicitly recognizes that there are all sorts of holiday seasons -- Rosh Hoshanah, Tet, Diwali, Solstice -- while still expressing your own excitement about Christmas.

Undergraduate / Are there any experiences or accomplishments that helped define you as a person [5]

I saw myself as an unintelligent, worthless human who could never achieve anything. Maybe because I let everyone's criticism affect me. No matter how nasty those words were , I considered them true.

This belief affected everything that I did , most especially in school.

Be very sure to make these corrections! You must make it very clear that you believed these things in the past -- not now. Go through your essay very carefully and make sure that any references to such feelings are in pasttense.

That pushed me to wonder, " how can my own family trust me if I can't even trust myself?"After this realization, I was determined to start believing in myself.

This turning point is the heart of your essay. Please give more details about it.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]


Unless there's something in your application instructions that forbids you from including other than the materials requested, you should feel free to send a few -- not too many! -- pictures along with your essay.

I don't think you need to add the names of tourist attractions.


What passage?

Writing Feedback / Tools to attract people to work. [6]

Is this an essay or a speech?

I'm not sure where your essay/speech starts. In the paragraph that begins with "Of course," you seem to be starting but then talk about the writing process.

I like the idea of dividing countries into developing and developed, with the understanding that unemployment problems and policies will differ depending upon the overall level of economic development of the nation. However, I think you overstate the difference. In the United States, for example, there are not enough jobs for everyone either. There's a whole underclass of permanently unemployed folks who aren't even counted in unemployment statistics because they have given up looking for work. And there is always some officially recognized unemployment. Furthermore, the Federal Reserve has at times acted to keep unemployment from dropping too low. There's a demonstrated inverse relationship between inflation and unemployment, and so some economists worry that inflation will rise if too many people are employed. The explanation for the inverse relationship is that what some have called "the reserve army of the unemployed" has a necessary function in capitalism: that of keeping wages (and, therefore, inflation) down because there's always somebody ready to step in and do the job for less money.

I also think you misunderstand the heart of the question -- the cell phones and internet access. Nobody is suggesting that these be given to already employed workers as perks. The idea is that access to these tools of communication will help unemployed people to locate job opportunities, arrange job interviews, etc.

Graduate / MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay [9]

This is a very strong essay with a clear message that is likely to be looked upon favorably.

Here are some specific comments/suggested revisions:

Since everything was new to me, I was finding the going a tad too difficult.
"Tad" is used informally and has a light tone to it. Choose another word.

As it happens with most things in life,
This and similar phrases just take up space without adding anything to the essay. Omit them.

At the end of the year, my contribution to the project was recognized, and I was rewarded with a positive performance evaluation and a salary hike.

...as his official contribution to this project was much less.

Writing Feedback / I believe that police protection and good schools are the main factors to create an ideal community [19]



Did they? Did they need to set up an ideal community? I think you are mixing up two ideas:

(1) People always have had to decide how to construct their communities.
(2) Some people have always longed for or wondered how to construct an ideal community.

Essays / Help with psychology essay: the information and sensitivity criteria [5]

The question, as you phrase it, is confusing. Is it that you need to write about how Shanks and St. John's (1994) proposal of the information criterion and the sensitivity criterion have affected subsequent research concerning implicit learning?

If so, set the stage by defining implicit learning and then describing the state of the research prior to 1994. Then describe and explain the information and sensitivity criteria. Then describe research since, saying how this has been (or has not been) different than previous research. Finally, if you feel confident doing so, assess whether the information and sensitivity criteria have made a positive contribution to the study of implicit learning and to cognitive psychology in general.

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Primatologists! That's a real, correctly spelled word that I just used in something I'm writing only to have the spell checker flag it as incorrect.

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]


You can add information gleaned from the internet or books into your essays so long as you properly acknowledge your source. Using words copied and pasted from a source is never okay unless those words are properly identified as a quotation.

For example, if you looked up some information about tooth decay on the American Dental Association website and used the facts in your essay about dental hygiene, you could say, "According to the American Dental Association," give the facts, and then include a Works Cited page giving all of the details for the website (name, date, URL, date you visited the site, etc.). If you actually quoted text from the website, you would also need to put quotation marks around any quoted sentences or phrases.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]


I can see "modernization," if this is the term that is euphemistically used for a process one sees more complexly, but I agree that, in general, you should sharply limit your use of quotation marks.

And, in the U.S. at least, double-quotes -- "..." -- should be used for actual quotations while single quotes -- '...' -- should be used when quoting nobody in particular, i.e., to demarcate a commonly used phrase as I think you were trying to do here with 'modernization.'

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Yes, in addition to not catching homonym errors, spell checkers sometimes mark correctly spelled words as errors. I've noticed this not only with compound words but also with new or rarely used words. I don't know how many words I've taught my spell checker -- a lot! (By the way, mine flags "spellchecker" as incorrect.)

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]


Yah, usually a comma splice is only 3-5 points. Even then, they can really add up. Tense shifts are arguably worse, because of being more disconcerting to the reader, and thus usually cost more than a simple comma splice.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

This is a lovely essay in form and content. Your writing is quite strong, and very lyrical, with only minor errors detracting from its power.

Before I move onto grammar, let me tell you that the content is not "childish" at all. Indeed, within composition studies, there is an increasing emphasis on the ways that places shape people and people carry places with them. Your meditation on change and the old Shi Ku Men grapples with questions that very advanced scholars are thinking about, and does so in a way that engages the reader.

So, let's clean up the grammar, perhaps tighten up some of the sentences, and you will have a stand-out admission essay.

It is a type of architecture that emerged in 1860s in S hanghai, which blending the features of both E ast and W est originally to meet the needs of refugees abroad .

I had been staying in the old Shi Ku Men since I was born.A lthough I got along well with every neighbor , I still looked forward to moving into those kempt, capacious and modern apartments.

"New" [omit comma] doesn't need to mean the thorough rupture with the past.

By the way, this essay reminds me a bit of the novel Fistful of Colours, which is set in Singapore rather than Shanghai but covers urban renewal with the same sort of feeling.

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]

Why I asked is because if you know that you tend to commit comma splices, just for example, then you can do a specific read-through examining every comma. If you know that your verb tenses tend to be slippery, you can do a read through looking only at the verbs. Etc., etc. Good luck!

Essays / Would you consider today's society "celebrity obsessed" ? [6]

Another way to go, in your own brainstorming, is to think about the role of celebrities in the lives of the people you know. Do your friends or family members talk or read about celebrities? Do they wish for fame themselves? What impact has the cultural emphasis on celebrity had on the hopes and dreams of you and your friends? Is that good or bad?

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]


You've mentioned before that you tend not to see errors when proofreading. I wonder if you have looked through papers that have been corrected by teachers, searching for any pattern in the kinds of mistakes you tend to make? That can be a useful exercise.


I only did the first bit in order to leave other forum members something to critique. If nobody jumps in soon, I'll come back to it.

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]

Yah, seriously: That made me (as a non-Christian) want to stop reading right there. Unless you're applying to a Christian university, it's possible the admissions officer reading your essay won't be Christian. Even if they are, they will want to know that you can function in a diverse university environment. At minimum, that means recognizing that not everybody shares your religion. Ideally, you would also understand that Christmas can be a particularly miserable time of year for non-Christians in countries that are dominated by that faith.

You don't need to demonstrate such sensitivity in this essay, but you ought to show that you know your experiences are not everybody's. Replace that first sentence with something more accurate.

As Sean said, the rest of the essay is lively until you get down to the cliches at the end. Rewrite that part to bring it more into line with the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]


You mean "underserved" -- right? That's common lingo among those doing the kind of work you want to do. Keep it.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

Ach, I knew when I was writing that post that you might not know what I meant by arguments. I should have listened to that little voice telling me to explain further. Anyway, Sean has done so, so no harm done.


Yes, and also would you recommend it to others? Would it be good if more people knew the things in this book? Etc.

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]

Go ahead and write the body and conclusion. Then go back up, keeping in mind what you have already written, and write a paragraph that introduces your reader to what's to come.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Othello killed himself only because, earlier in the play, jealousy overpowered love, leading him to commit the horrific acts he now regrets so sincerely. Use his final speeches to argue whether or not you think he learned the lesson.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]


All the better. (Seriously.) Reading and reviewing this book will disabuse your instructor of any stereotypes she or he might have about you.


1. Summarize the thesis of the book and the main arguments supporting it.
2. More thoroughly explain, with examples, a couple of the main arguments.
3. Recap, offering your own assessment of the book. Was it useful? Enlightening? Believable? Worthwhile?

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

I'd say book report, even though it might seem that a biographical sketch would be easier. When you look at what the teacher wants for the biographical sketch, a book report seems simpler. Of the books you've listed, Gifts of the Jews is probably the most accessible.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Actually, think you are on the right track with your idea about jealousy overpowering love. Keep at it. Don't despair. Jot down as many ideas as you have about that, along with as much supportive evidence as you can think of, and then organize those ideas into an outline. Then write from your outline. Write short, simple sentences. Refer back to the play as often as you can.

Also, is your teacher one who likes you to turn in your rough drafts and outlines? If so, be sure to turn in all of the different ways that you tried to approach this topic, all of your false starts, everything. That way, your teacher will see that -- as a student is supposed to do -- you have been sincerely struggling to make sense of the play and find something sensible to say about it.

Writing Feedback / Identify what are the most important features of an ideal community and why they are important? [10]

Good school, public transportation, police protection, and the appearance of a neighborhood all may exist together in one place, maybe exist, but I have not find that place yet.

The appearance of a neighborhood is essential and confers a sense of safety in community.

A q uiet vicinity offers peace and relaxing times .

When I moved to California...

Outstanding students' performances require many hours of study.

Undergraduate / The biological father plays a tiny role in my life, but my stepfather loves me like I am his own son [4]


This is a sentence fragment.


I like it that you are being specific, but I don't quite understand what you mean. Why would somebody who owns a produce stand want other vendors to sell produce?

Also, be sure to break this into paragraphs rather than running it all into one paragraph.

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]

You need a thesis statement somewhere in your introduction. If you teacher wants it in the first sentence, do that. Otherwise, you can start with something stronger, to draw in your reader, and then place the thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

You've got some good points there. It would be hard to match them point for point, so I would suggest a structure in which your thesis is that there are both delights and frustrations of being a teen, but you believe that the [frustrations/delights] outweigh the [frustrations/delights]. <== Whichever you think is true.

In your body paragraphs, cover all of the delights before covering the frustrations (or all of the frustrations before covering the delights). Be sure to provide supporting evidence such as examples. Use a transition sentence when switching from one to the other. Be sure that your arguments fit your thesis concerning whether being a teen is more frustrating or more delightful.

Finally, write a conclusion restating your thesis, summarizing the frustrations and delights, and offering some final thoughts. For example, if you believe that the frustrations outweigh the delights, you might say that you cannot wait until you are out of your teens.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]

Your question is: Are these two tied together? What do you think? Are they? The fact that vandalized public places seem unsafe and people avoid them explains why vandalism is hurtful, but another step is needed to tie this back to the thesis more decisively: That this itself costs money. If the place is a business, the owner loses customers. If it is a residence, property values come down. Thus, this situation must be corrected, and it costs money to do so.

Writing Feedback / Good Boss, Bad Boss: Compare/Contrast Essay [27]


Okay, so I will concentrate on that rather than on content.

This sentence runs on too long:
The perception of good boss or bad boss bad depends upon the outlook of the employee being supervised, but there a few traits I've observed over the past twenty five years, I think most people would agree on, that make a/the difference.

I'd rephrase it as:
The perception of a good boss or a bad boss bad depends upon the outlook of the employee being supervised.butT here are, however, a few traits I've observed over the past twenty five years that I think most people would agree on, that make the difference.

The most notable and important difference between these two types of bosses is whether they trust you to do your job.

A good boss generally leaves the employees to do their work but is available as needed.

As a result, employees tend to be happier, more at ease, and more likely to be more productive.

Here, I brought the items of the list into better agreement.

In contrast, a bad boss keeps his or her door closed,and does not want or invite unsolicited communication with his employees, and can be quite rude when interrupted.

Here, I made your language inclusive and also fixed a semi-colon error. Semi-colons are used only to separate clauses that can stand as sentences in their own right or to separate items in a list that themselves contain commas.

The employees' feelings often show up in the quality of their work.

Here, I fixed an apostrophe error. As you had it, employee was singular and thus clashed with "their," which is plural.

Student Talk / Took the IELTS Today and didn't go as I expected :( [35]


You're very welcome!


Even if the result is not what you'd hoped, the test-taking experience will be useful for you in the future. Either way, you did something important today and should feel good about that. Relax! Celebrate that you completed the test, whatever the score turns out to be. Take a break and think about other things for a couple of days. Then return to your English studies refreshed and ready for the next stage, whatever it may be.

Essays / "The delights and frustrations of a teenager" - Expository Essays Help [18]


Good! Beginning to write before you are ready dooms your essay from the start. You shouldn't start writing until you have taken the steps Sean suggests. Once you have a draft, an outline, or even just a list of things you want to say, post it here for further assistance.

Writing Feedback / Is Obama's stimulus package working? [15]

Noto, I think you will be an excellent history teacher, if that's the field you elect to pursue. The key will be to make the subject interesting to your students, which the best history teachers are able to do.

Scholarship / MBA Scholarship Short Personal Statement [12]

Your first paragraph is very interesting and perhaps belongs elsewhere in the personal statement, but does not address the question.

Is this an Australian MBA program? Are you from Peru? Then you will be bringing diversity to the program as a scholar from another continent and from a Spanish-speaking country.

You're right that your interest in the non-profit realm is rare for an MBA student and, thus, a way that you will bring diversity to the program.

Do you have other life experiences or identity characteristics that are different from the average MBA student in that program? This is what they want to know for this question. Other personal characteristics are fine to mention in other parts of the statement but do not address the question of how you will bring diversity to the program.

Writing Feedback / Similarities of Love and Jealousy in today's society - Dreaded Shakespear [42]

Not at all! Many people today confuse love and jealousy. Very frequently, jealousy disguised as love is used as the excuse for abuse. Perhaps you have known someone who has behaved as if jealousy and love were the same thing. Or perhaps you have known someone who was hurt by a jealous partner who claimed to love them.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : young people should have the ability to plan and organize. [6]


I wondered that too.

Writing Feedback / GMAT issue essay - censorship of television programmes [9]


Right, and even here you can run into trouble. A government could claim, for example, that scenes of the recent unrest in Iraq ought not be shown in daytime or prime time because they contain bloodshed that could be upsetting to children.