Essays / Having trouble with understanding an essay ("Is This the Promised End?") [10]

Also, bear in mind that a lot of critical writing, as the essay you are reading is, is written in deliberately complex, pretentious language. Often, the academic diction makes simple ideas seem more complicated than they really are. And sometimes, they allow sentences that say nothing meaningful to seem as if they made sense. So, if as you write your summary, you find that after rummaging through the essay to find its contents, they are less impressive than you would have expected, do not be too surprised. It is also possible that, once the author's ideas have been reduced to a more easily understandable form, some of them may seem a bit silly to you. Try not to let that throw you.

Student Talk / Eye surgery messed up my grades and I couldn't attend the dates of the exams (second chance appeal) [14]

Sorry I came to this thread a bit late. As you write up your appeal, try to maintain a more positive tone than the one you adopted in your initial post. Also, try to make it sound more as if you are taking responsibility for your actions:


Your professor was quite right in taking the attitude she did. She doesn't care about your personal problems. She doesn't care about your poor ailing mother, or your little brother's school schedule. What she cares about is your contribution to her class (or lack thereof) and the quality of the work you submit. And that's it. If you attended all but two of your classes, then you couldn't have lost too much of grade from your attendance mark. You did the paper, and you took the test, but neither your doing the paper nor your taking the test meant that she owed you a passing grade on either of them. In the public school system before college, yes, teachers will push you through for just doing the work, especially if you or your parents seem likely to howl and complain if they don't. In university, not so much. Whether you pass or fail will be determined by the quality of your work, which, from the sounds of it, was the one thing you didn't ask her about. You instead offered fairly feeble excuses that didn't really bear on anything. Even if they did, the problems you mentioned to her were commonplace enough that you should have been able to work around them with a bit of foresight and planning. You didn't.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but it's no more than what the people reviewing your appeal would think. If you take that approach in the formal written appeal, you won't get very far.

Undergraduate / The place we come from determines the person - UC admission essay [9]

The overall idea of defining your family as a part of your environment is fine, but your way of introducing the idea is, as Simone said, contradictory. This is the logic you have at the moment:

Environment is mostly the people around you.
I had great family and friends in Ethiopia.
They all wanted to leave for California.

So, I was in a great environment, but wanted to go to one in which I knew no one (i.e., a bad environment).

We know what you mean, but you have to explain yourself better, which will involve referencing other elements of place besides people.

Writing Feedback / "Going overseas for the university" essay [7]

Why thank you. I'm afraid it doesn't bode well for the essay, though. When your reader's first thought is "this is what cancer would do to essays if it could exist as words," then some serious rewriting is called for :-)

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]

Indeed. Glad to hear you did well.

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]

Well, I hope you get a good mark. Let us know how it turns out for you.

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]


Ewwwwwww! Great, if horribly graphic and disturbing, image.


Um, this is so very anticlimactic. I'd stop after the previous sentence. You have a very strong description of the gunshot patient and your involvement with him. Tacking this on just means you are ending on a much weaker note than you have to.

Undergraduate / My UCF undergraduate admissions essay...I am dying to go here critiques? [6]

You could just delete the first sentence, and that would help a fair bit. You still wouldn't have the strongest opening sentence in the world, but at least you'd be getting to the meat of the essay sooner.

Also, why do you want to make a difference? What other programs have you volunteered with? Which ones are you interested in joining at UCF? At the moment, I get the impression that the volunteer program was something you joined out of a combination of family pressure from your sister and your grandmother and your need to have a volunteer experience for your university applications. That may not be the case, but your lack of specifics and your repetition of vague, hallmark-y sentiments sort of gives that impression.

So, either replace the generalities with specifics, or try again with a different approach altogether. Do the former if you really did enjoy your work with the program, and the latter otherwise.

Undergraduate / Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be? [6]

You just need to speak from the heart while also answering the prompt. You might talk about how you would fight for the environment if you had been born into, say, Bill Gates family. That would certainly give you a life entirely different from the one you now lead (I'm assuming). Or, you could be particularly thoughtful, and imagine how, under those circumstances, you might not care about the environment at all, because you would have been raised differently and had different experiences.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Where'd you take the handle from anyway? Gregory Maguire's novel?

Book Reports / The Death of Cordelia in Shakespeare's King Lear- Shakespeare's intended purpose [6]

You might also point out that, if Cordelia doesn't die at the end of the play, England will end up under French control (as the king's only surviving daughter, who would still be married to the King of France), not exactly a great crowd-pleaser in Elizabethan England.

Your other ideas seem on track too, and Simone has already given you some good advice. So, I'd say you should take a shot at a draft then post that here for more detailed feedback.

Writing Feedback / True Friendship Essay (living without friends) [12]


A rose without rain isn't less colorful, as your next sentence implies, so much as dead.


Really? And yet can't most of us easily identify who we consider our friends, and even probably rank them in order of closeness (though doing so online might not be a good idea).


This so makes it sound as if your essay is going to be about what friendship means. And yet, that isn't the case until halfway through your essay.


Aha! Finally, your essay begins to actually deal with what you made it sound as if was going to deal with from the very beginning. I might even begin here. You could always move the stuff before it to the end if you really wanted to keep it. But a reflection on friendship should probably start by stating what the term means to you.

Okay, from this point on, your essay becomes considerably stronger. Mostly, you need to add some specific examples. You sort of do this near the end, but even your discussion of your own best friend manages to be fairly vague. Throw in some narrative anecdotes to demonstrate your points, and you should be able to develop a fairly solid second draft.

Writing Feedback / "Going overseas for the university" essay [7]

In fact, if you really want to, you can break these sorts of essays down into a sentence-by-sentence formula (and Simone's very detailed, excellent description of the five-paragraph essay isn't that far off from that now).

However, I don't think that's your problem. Nor do I think it's wordiness. Your writing is far too wordy -- Simone is right about that -- but I think that's just a symptom, rather than the underlying cause. Mostly, you just don't seem to have that much to say.

For instance, many of your paragraphs are really single sentences that have metastasized.

"One of the matters of concern worth discussing is studying abroad or studying at home. To be more precise, a number of people come up with a claim that although studying at the university overseas is an exciting prospect for many people, yet it is better to say at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture. It appears rather hard to choose whether completely support such an opinion."

is the same as

"Although studying abroad may seem exciting, it also involves many difficulties."

Likewise,

"With reference to the advocates of the view above there are several justifications worth taking into account. It can be reasonable to claim that when you enter a country to study you will face many problems of living and studying, according to some reliable statistics many students are so shock of culture that get stressed for a long time. One further point is that the way study in the new university is totally different with what having been learnt in the past so students must strive very hard to survive in exams, this matter will make students feel tired and have negative attitude to their study."

is the same as

"Studying abroad can lead to culture shock, which can adversely affect academic performance."

Your entire essay could be reduced to a single five sentence paragraph and be much the better for it. You can't create an skyscraper with a single girder, nor can you create a paragraph with a single idea. You can create a paragraph around a single idea, as architects create a building around a central theme, but that's different. So, first, you need to think more deeply about your topics, and come up with more to say about them. Then you can worry about structuring your thoughts.

Essays / Having trouble with understanding an essay ("Is This the Promised End?") [10]

Try rewriting the essay, breaking down all of the longer, complex sentences into short, single clause ones. It will take you a while, but by the time you're done, you should have an excellent understanding of the essay.

Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]


That's actually a really good idea. You'll probably find over time that your entries tend to mimic the style of whatever you have been reading, a sure sign that you are learning to move between style types, even if you continue to have trouble articulating the differences between them to others.

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]


I'm sure you won't fail utterly. Look up the etymology of the word "essay." If you try your best to write down your thoughts coherently, you have in some sense succeeded in writing one. That said, you can still write one that your teacher will grade harshly, so you should post your draft here for feedback before handing it in.

Scholarship / 'Bournemouth University has one of the most advance educations in the world' - BU scholarship essay [31]


Then ask yourself "Why do I like this essay? What makes it so appealing?" A critique doesn't have to focus on what is wrong with an essay. Sometimes it can point out what is right, too. This is also a good learning exercise for you, because by identifying techniques that other writers use to make their work good, you will be able to draw on those techniques in your own essays.

"I passed out from one of the finest schools in the city, Modern Indian School." That's really very funny. If you couldn't handle the pressure there without fainting, I don't know if university is the place for you. Revise the part in red to say what you really mean.

"This has been my most substantial accomplishment." In that case you should probably tell the reader a bit more about it.

"My experiences include serving as a volunteer in Nepal Children's Organization, a child orphanage. I have been an English teacher as well. And I've practiced 3Dsmax tool being an assistant animator for three months. I also have a passion for traveling and understanding different cultures of the world." Can you tie all of these in to your academic goals in some way, beyond the "broad perspective" angle?

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

It's not just a matter of tone, though Simone and Notoman are quite right when they say the essay should be revised to be more modest. You also need to focus on being more realistic and detailed. You say that


Different from what? You go on to promise improved education, infrastructure, and individual liberties. No political party's ever promised those things before (and here I regret that text cannot be infused with the level of sarcasm that verbal communication can). I imagine that even the ruling party of Kyrgyzstan at least pays lip service to those ideas.

And how, exactly do you plan to raise money and organize such a party, if it hasn't already been done? How will you overcome the obstacles that hold people back now? And even if you create a new party, and manage to win power peacefully, how are you going to make everyone equal over night? What do you even understand by "equality?" So, you need to work on being more thoughtful as well as more modest.

Undergraduate / The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems [8]

Simone is right when it comes to her main point -- mentioning that you have trouble with timed tests is a bad idea. If you need to say this for some reason, such as to explain low transcript marks, try to write a separate essay dedicated to that topic if the application allows, or else explain why you feel the need to mention it in this one.

I feel obliged to point out, though, that fast is also an adverb, meaning "quickly," and so your usage there is correct.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Oops. Sorry about that -- I'm used to thinking of "o" endings to names as masculine, and "a" endings as feminine, but of course that isn't true across all cultures.

Undergraduate / 'The dean and the award ceremony' - common app essay- open topic [5]


Especially in conjunction with "trembling." This highlights a wider problem with your use of language -- you tend to use phrasing that creates either the wrong tone, or an inappropriate one. For instance, you say "Then the next minute, I found myself marching towards the podium, while fending off the piercing and demeaning glances of the opponents." Did your opponents really look at you in a way that took away your dignity? Presumably these are people who don't know you personally, or have any reason to think that you might not be better at debating than they are. They could have been a bunch of arrogant jerks, I suppose, but you make it sound as if this was a team you have a lot of history with, without actually giving any background to support that impression.

Writing Feedback / Libraries are not just a collection of books: Are public libraries important? [4]


People still do this? I thought going off-line would result in a horrible death by some form of suffocation. :-)

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]

Simone's advice is excellent. As for what themes you decide to work with when discussing the role of Ophelia's death in the structure of the play, you will have to decide whether to go with your ideas or those of your teacher. The best teachers don't want you to just regurgitate what they have said in class, and will approve of your work if it is well argued, regardless of their own views. That said, you many not have one of the best teachers for this class. In fact, you may have one who is a big fan of regurgitation. In which case, regurgitate away.

Undergraduate / Georgetown School of Foreign Service Transfer Essay [11]

I like the title. I'm a big fan of the Main Title: Expanded Description structure you use, and heartily approve of your alliteration near the beginning. "Ominous" works if your essay argues that the corporations in question are likely to act in ways that are clearly going to lead to a negative result for Iraq. If your essay is going to argue something else, or is just about the privatization of power in general, then you should take Simone's advice and find a more specific word.

Undergraduate / "I want to attend Chapel" - provide advice on how I can better my essay. [5]

"I couldn't think, my mind was being driven by curiosity;" It sounds a bit odd to talk about "my mind", instead of just "I." Also, curiosity isn't usually associated with blocking out thought, and doesn't really work with the physical symptoms you describe. Perhaps you should focus instead on your fear, and how you overcame it, as that is sort of the trajectory the rest of your essay follows.

Writing Feedback / Libraries are not just a collection of books: Are public libraries important? [4]


Start by answering this question. Then, elaborate on your answer through the various points you have made. At the moment, you spend too much time saying what libraries are (which the reader probably already knows) and not enough answering the prompt. You sort of hint at an answer, when you say that libraries provide services and access to information, but you need to go beyond that, and explain why those services and that access are important to the community.

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]

I would suggest searching Google Books and Google Scholar for "power as tool of strategic management." That should at least allow you to track down a few useful sources, and they will probably reference others, which in turn will reference still others, and so on.

Undergraduate / 'The dean and the award ceremony' - common app essay- open topic [5]

Interesting . . . I like the way you take a seemingly shallow hobby and tie it in to a victory in a meaningful one. Can you perhaps condense the first paragraph, and focus less on the negative aspects of your love of tabloids? You need to mention that you do enjoy them, of course, but is it really necessary to mention your failure to make top debater, or to describe yourself as a party girl? These things are unlikely to endear you to application officers.

Also, can you add a bit to the second paragraph to build some suspense by making it clear how important the debate was? At the moment, you describe it in epic terms, but it doesn't really seem to deserve such diction. It was a nice moment, sure enough, but it isn't clear why the moment meant so much to you that you describe it as you do.

Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

Followed shortly thereafter by "there is" and "there are," though this will require some rephrasing rather than simple deletions.

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]

Simone has a good point, here. True, Hamlet arguably does deal with the way corruption spreads from a wicked ruler to the rest of the state. Hence the ghost rising, the omens everywhere, the civil disorder that Laertes could have used to overthrow Claudius, etc. It just isn't the main theme, so much as a general idea from that period that often comes up in Shakespeare's plays. You would be much better off dealing with Ophelia as a foil for Hamlet, operating to show that Hamlet really is sane (which audience members have some reason to doubt ere the end of the play).

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

The confusion probably arises owing to the fact that, in normal distributions, half of all cases that are not actually at the average do fall below the average, just as half fall above it. An awful lot of phenomena have normal distributions, or close enough to it that textbooks even it out to get a nice bell curve. Probably, the high instance of this is the reason that such distributions are termed "normal." So, for instance, one is not speaking foolishly when one says that half the population (excluding those who are exactly average) have a below average IQ. IQ tests are actually designed to to ensure that result -- i.e., they are set up to yield a normal distribution of scores. So, if one is talking about variables that manifest a normal distribution, then half of all cases do necessarily fall below the mean.

So, if the person you were talking to was referring to such a variable, she was in fact using the term correctly. I assume she was, even if she didn't articulate it, as it is very easy to come up with examples of non-normal distributions that prove your point (4, 98, 99, 99, for instance, have an average of 75, in which three of the cases are above the average and only one below it). I hope this helps you next time the two of you discuss the issue.

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]

You might need to rethink some of your points:

"Innocence- throughout the play, she is conflicted with her love of hamlet and duty to be faithful to her father" Innocence is conflicted? Perchance you should introduce the character you are talking about?

Hmmmm . . . no quotations. That's never a good sign.


Is that why she goes crazy? Or does it have to do also with her rejection by Hamlet? Several of the songs she sings in her madness have to do with women seduced and betrayed, and some people have read into them indications that she is pregnant by Hamlet. This would make her anything but innocent by Elizabethan standards, btw. You don't have to take this approach, but you might want to justify your assertion that her father's death is the central reason for her descent into madness.


Ah, but Laertes gives the advice he does because there has been no bride-bed. His point is that Hamlet may not be free to marry Ophelia, and that if he seduces her without marriage, it will not affect him anywhere near as much as it does her. Finding out that Gertrude would have supported the marriage is ironic, but it doesn't take away from the essential truth of Laerete's advice.


How, pray tell? It may only show that he feels bad for having undertaken actions that drove her to madness and suicide, not that he intended to be honorable, or that he was honorable in his dealings with her.

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]

You've adopted an interesting approach. Certainly your ideas could be worked into a defensible argument. Try writing up a draft, incorporating the key quotations that prove your points. Then post it here for some feedback.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

And an awful lot of people mix up correlation and causation, too. Gun control measures in many states might coincide with a decline in violent crime, for instance, but this wouldn't mean much if the crime rates in those states had been declining for years before the measures were enacted as well.

Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

Liebe makes an interesting point -- you might want to specify your values, and how exactly your camp experience shaped them. At the moment, you talk in very general terms, which makes the essay less interesting than it could be.

Book Reports / The death of Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet: how and why it maters - prompt [22]

Hmmmmmmm . . . if only Ophelia's madness and suicide had some relation to some other character in the play, maybe someone who had feigned madness and considered committing suicide, but then avoided doing so because, after all, his madness was just fake. That would give you all sorts of parallels to talk about, and a way to discuss the development of some of the key themes of the play . . .

Such a pity there is no character like that in the play. Oh well, I can't think of anything. Clearly this is a hopeless topic.

:-)

Dissertations / Business Management / Databases topics [15]

And for the love of whatever deity you believe in, choose something that interests you, even if it takes you a bit longer to craft a workable research question on the topic than it would to take someone else's suggestion about a topic that you don't care about. Think about how much time you are going to have to dedicate to this project -- you are going to want to make it as enjoyable as possible for yourself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Newspapers will soon become a thing of the past [7]

For this sort of essay, a completely one-sided argument is generally okay, and easier to write. In general, though, any essay that hopes to persuade must deal with the opposing point of view, so if you want to practice writing more evaluative essays with a view to becoming a stronger writer overall, that's great. Just be aware that your first attempts at doing this will likely involve a temporary drop in essay quality, as you are essentially increasing the difficulty of the task you are setting yourself.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

Quite right. Though, to be fair, I don't think that most essay writers set out to use statistics inaccurately or deceptively -- they just don't really think through the research that they do that supports their position. If an essay writer is very strongly pro-gun control, for instance, and she reads an article that states that, in State X, violent crime has declined by 5% since gun control measures were implemented, she is likely to incorporate that number into her work without really questioning it, because it makes intuitive sense to her.

I wish that schools worldwide would make the collective works of John Allen Paulos required reading. That's where I first encountered Simpson's Paradox. The books are wonderfully written, and show just why statistics are so often grouped with lies and damn lies.

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]

You might also ask yourself if power can be more effectively exercised if it is concealed than if it is overt. In other words, managers may conceal their own power because they are uncomfortable with it (great insight there from Simone), but they may also conceal it because they view doing so as enabling them to use it more effectively. Put another way, can concealment of power be viewed as a type of power in itself, that enhances the power being concealed?