Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]


That's what I assumed he meant, though it is unfortunately the least interesting interpretation of his original phrasing :)

Writing Feedback / 1st essay in 13 years. Disadvantages that working mothers give to their children [12]


This seems like a non-sequitur. Cultural and political factors influence the studies themselves, from the research question to the methodology chosen to try to answer it. They also affect the likelihood of academic journals being willing to publish any given study, or of literature reviews being willing to refer to it. If one wishes to overcome such biases, it is best to cast a wide net, as by searching the entire Internet, rather than relying on a single literature review. In any event, the studies reported online are both academic and contemporary, which is what the author needs, and so will form a solid starting point for her research. Also, you will note that each of the seven articles refers to a different study, so it is not that one outlier study is receiving more attention than mainstream ones. In fact, given that this is meant as a persuasive essay, presumably for a writing course (I don't know of any other type of course that assigns "persuasive essays" rather than specific topics) and not a research paper, a quick Internet search seems fairly appropriate.


This is also a good idea, no disagreement there. The more perspectives and sources the better. Google can be useful even here, though, as both Google Scholar and Google Books can be used to find the sort of sources you mention.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

"This scholarship will allow me focus on a career that no other university in Vietnam can do." Um, I don't think universities have careers. I think you mean to say "This scholarship will allow me focus on a career in a way that is only possible at RMIT Vietnam."

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

Here are a few minor grammatical changes:

I'm honored to hear that I've passed the screening committee meeting and I would like to thank all board members for lettingawarding me to have this scholarship. I'll make sure that you receive my verified diploma and transcript before I report to the university. I'm looking forward to seeing you at university in fall. Again thank you very much for your kind consideration.

I haven't bothered altering the style, which shouldn't really as much of a concern as it would be if it were, say, an application essay.

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]

Be careful when writing on abstract concepts not to use ambiguous phrasing. For instance:

"Managing an organization without power or authority is like driving a vehicle without fuel of gas."

This could mean that managing an organization when that organization has no power or authority is like driving a vehicle that has no fuel, or it could mean that it is difficult for a manager without power or authority to do his job, much as it would be difficult for a driver to drive a car that lacked fuel.

Make sure to say precisely what you mean, to avoid confusion later on.

Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

Here's a shot at fixing one of the sentences Notoman flagged:

Throughout each school year, leaders bond with us and learn who we are, so that they can help us to mature both as Christians and adolescents.

This is actually a guess at what you mean, since the original phrasing was unclear in addition to being wordy and vague.

Writing Feedback / 1st essay in 13 years. Disadvantages that working mothers give to their children [12]


I'm going to sort of disagree here, in that, while I have no idea of how the studies add up pro and con for your position, I am positive that there are an awful lot of studies out there that do support your position, enough for you to make the claim you do. You do have to track those studies down, though. And then you should evaluate their methodology, and read opposing studies, and evaluate their's, as you should do when researching for any persuasive essay.

To that end, try doing a Google search for "working mothers effect on children." You won't find too many studies directly, but you will find several articles that reference studies, which you can then track down. For instance:

Ones that agree with you

lifesitenews.com/ldn/2002/jul/02071807.html

guardian.co.uk/money/2003/nov/14/workandcareers

independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/working-mo thers-affect-exams-690254.html

sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6W MC-4SNWW1X-1&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&_do canchor=&view=c&_searchStrId=940469039&_rerunOrigin=google&_ acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=2fc3 2e844af552da5b1e741fdd2b8751

Ones that disagree with you

jiskha.com/social_studies/psychology/working_moms.html

parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Hoffman/Hoffman.html

news-medical.net/news/2005/03/29/8777.aspx

One of the advantages of doing this sort of research is that it makes you aware of nuances to the debate. For instance, a working mother who flips burgers at McDonalds and a working mother who is a supreme court justice possibly have enough differences that the effects of their being at work on their children are different too. Likewise, a working single mother is clearly not in the same situation as a married working mother who can (hopefully) rely on her husband to cover at least some of the child rearing responsibilities.

Still, I'd say you are arguing the easier side, here, as most people instinctively believe that mothers are important, and that their presence in a child's life is a positive for the child's development.

Undergraduate / Topic for my personal statement (characteristics, family history, culture) [3]


A lot of people have this problem, but really, there is no need to worry. No one in the whole world knows more about who you are than you do, so you are being asked to write on a topic about which you are an expert, the foremost in existence.

As for the first prompt, remember that it specifically asks about qualities and characteristics you have, and then asks you to connect them to how you could contribute to the university. So, to build on Simone's excellent example, if you play the tuba, start by talking about your passion for music, how you have developed it, and how you would like to continue developing it at university, possibly by, say, applying to the marching band, whether they happen to be looking for second string player or not.

The second prompt may be a bit more difficult, as you have to talk about how your family history has influenced you, which may be hard for you to see, especially if you are applying at an age where you are still firmly embedded in that history. Worse, you have to manage to hit all the right notes without using trite phrasing that will be repeated by every other applicant. Your best bet is to just type up the best draft you can and post it here -- specific feedback will be much easier once we have some idea of what your family history and cultural background actually are.

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

"When the problem grew my roommates attempted to help, but I ignored their advice because I thought I could solve it on my own."

"The result of all this was thatAs a result, I drove myself away from excelling in education, whichand eventually resulted in my dismissal" The middle part of this sentence is still a bit awkward. Revise.

Your solutions section is a bit better, but you still have the problem that you sound in places as if your family did more than you in taking charge of your recovery. So:

"and my family kept my computer use to school work only" How about, "and I gave my computer to my family to ensure I could only access it for school work." Try to keep the focus on your own role in helping yourself.

"even when I was granted full access totook my computer back for the spring semester." In keeping with the change above, and for the same reasons.

Undergraduate / Georgetown School of Foreign Service Transfer Essay [11]

Actually, I'd suggest going with option 2, mostly because you will probably find it harder to cut a 4000 word paper down to 500 words than you will to write up a new paper. Believe me, it can take much less time to write something new that to try to edit something that wasn't really meant for your purpose so that it fits your new criteria.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

Apparently its something students learn in first year statistics. Of course, not many people take first year statistics, which is unfortunate. The public is woefully innumerate. In fact, the public tends to lack a background in the basic sciences. I forget how many people agreed that dihydrogen monoxide should be banned, after a petition circulated warning that scientists had found that it was present in large quantities in most of our lakes and rivers. Enough to show that public opinion on environmental matters should often be ignored, at any rate.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

Of course, you did say this was your first letter of acceptance. That strongly implies that you applied to other universities, some of which may have been equally desirable to you, or less desirable, but more likely to offer you scholarships or other forms of financial aid. If so, and if you have not heard back from them yet, you may want to wait a bit before sending off a letter accepting the offer.

Essays / Can't think of an essay topic that is the most common topic ever [11]

Indeed, it's a very original topic, and I look forward to reading your draft when you have it.

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

Indeed. You might even want to consider becoming an official contributor to the site. Students who give such detailed feedback in their post are at the heart of what this site is all about. Moderators such as myself can and do give good advice, of course, and make sure everyone gets at least some help, but only engaged and intelligent students can dedicate the time to give so much feedback on a single work on a regular basis.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

You can look it up in Wikipedia for a full explanation, including the Berkeley example I mentioned. Essentially, in 1973, the University of Berkeley was sued for discriminating against women, because it admitted a higher percentage of male than female applicants. The university defended itself by pointing out that, on a department by department basis, the trend was a bias against male applicants in favor of female applicants. However, due to the unequal number of applicants to the various departments, and the difference in the number of students overall each department had room to accept, this trend was reversed in the aggregate.

And that's Simpson's Paradox -- the idea that the direction of an aggregate trend can be the opposite to the trends that make it up. So, for instance, Baseball Player A could have a higher batting average that Baseball Player B for 1998 and for 1999, yet Baseball Player B could have the better average over both years. A real life example, again paraphrased from Wikipedia, involves Derek Jeter and David Justice. In 1995, Jeter had a batting average of 0.250, and Justice one of 0.253. In 1996, Jeter had a batting average of .314, while Justice had an average of .321. Justice was therefore, on a year-by-year average, the better batter. But, if you compare their average for both years combined, Jeter's average is .310, while Justice's average is only .270. So, over the entire two year period, Jeter has the higher average.

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]

Well, your essay is getting stronger. Your first paragraph is a bit contradictory, though, as you say that


but then go on to say that


and that


So at the moment, it sounds like you had a lot of family support, just not from your father.


You still need to discuss what intellectual morals you have in mind more specifically here. In fact, it still isn't that clear what Vires means to you or how you see yourself as personifying it. You sort of see your mother and your school as sources of strength, which dances around the edges of the topic, but what sort of strength have they given you, exactly? How do you use that strength to do good, and how will you use it to make a contribution to your university?

Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]

Well, beyond consulting the obvious books written specifically to teach grammar, you could also post some of your specific questions here. I'm sure you aren't the only one to visit this site who has such questions, and one of the moderators or contributors will probably be able to answer your queries.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

Yeah, you can pretty much say whatever you want -- I mean, you've already been accepted, so unless you make an effort to be particularly insulting, you'll be fine.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]


For introductory clauses, just remember that the modifier always, always, always modifies the noun that comes directly after the comma, whether you intend it to or not.

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]

Yeah, it's difficult to help you based on so little information, and what you have given us is fragmented and unclear. Post the exact instructions for the assignment, preferably along with a draft of your essay at least attempting to follow the instructions. Then we will have plenty of material to work with when trying to give you meaningful feedback.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Okay, so you want to move into a leadership role. Your dance activity shows this because you took on a management role in the dance club. That's a clear connection, but not one you play up, because of the interposition of the section on math and physics between your mention of the two. Also, "leadership" is a bit vague. What sort of leader do you want to become -- a political one, a business one, a charitable one, etc. So, you might define what sort of leadership role you want to play more clearly, then make some mention of that role in your introduction, subordinating all of your other points to it.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

"Only two when my family escaped Vietnam by boat, my parents reluctantly left me behind because I was too sick to endure the perilous journey." Your parents were only two when your family escaped Vietnam? And they'd already had you? It's a miracle of science, or else of misplaced modifiers. Or perhaps that should be dangling modifiers? After my discussion with Simone on another thread, I'd guess it's technically a dangling modifier, but as the subject your modifier should modify is actually in your sentence, I'll go with misplaced modifier anyway -- I like the alliteration inherent in the term, and with "miracle."

Undergraduate / Show how my university studies affect my career future? [11]

You could improve your essay even more by being as concise as possible:

Studying Business Administration at the University of the People would firstly provideallow me to learnthe valuable business theory that is required to understand and enlighten myself on principles of business which are necessary to work effectively in this field.

"However, in such a knowledge-based society, with profound specialist knowledge one might stand out amongst the other candidates and get a chance to attain a favourable position in his/her professional life. Basically, a good way to acquire this knowledge is from an advanced education. I thereby believe that four years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be a more competitive and capable in businessmanfield ."

Writing Feedback / The relationship between an organization and environment - essay [9]

Ah, well, in that case you should be on more solid ground. Feel free to post the rest of your study, or at least as much as you have finish so far, for more feedback.

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

Ah, yes -- adding the name of the story and author seems like an excellent idea, even if the example you posted omitted them.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

I can read French fairly well myself -- I just wouldn't want to have to edit anyone else's use of French grammar. So, I suppose you could post the presentation to get a general response and to satisfy our curiosity. You may even find that some of the other people in the forums know French well enough to offer some editorial tips.

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]


Such as?


Such as?


Such as?


Such as?

Your essay is way too vague. Add some specific details, as in response to my questions above. That will give you a stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


I wasn't reading for disagreement. I would have had exactly the same questions had you said the same thing in a face-to-face conversation with me.

Nor was I skewing your words. I was instead attempting to figure out what you meant by them. You said that "most people in the United States are concerned with personal gain rather than healthy communities. If only people were concerned with that goal, we might make some progress on our more vexing problems, such as inequality and violence."

This reads like a passage from a textbook on formal logic, in which the goal is to unpack premises and identify errors in reasoning. The comment makes no sense at all unless you define what you mean by "healthy communities," "inequality," and "violence." You would probably also need to bring along an entire set of ideological scaffolding to justify your implied views about "personal gain." And once you have your definitions, a breakdown of your premises would seem to quickly reveal severe logical problems in your chain of reasoning, as for example your implicit assumption that concern for personal gain and concern for healthy communities are mutually exclusive.

As for your comment being mild, I wonder if the consequences of encouraging people to believe that pursuing their own happiness is unhealthy are really so benign.

Still, you are right that these sorts of discussions do take up an inordinate amount of time, so no one can blame you if you have better things to do.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

You're getting there. A few more suggestions:

"Looking back, I never thought that I could do the so-called "impossible", but such things unfailingly happen in a lifetime and I cannot flee from them forever. Once I decided to confront impossibility in my studying and surmounted it, and most important, I would never have discovered my passion without that decision." This is a tad vague. Can you replace the generalities will specific examples of obstacles you overcame?

"Everything changed since we had our math teacher altered." This is sort of scary. You had your math teacher altered? What, did you implant a chip in her brain? I know what you mean, but you have to rephrase.

"A used-to-be math-unrelated student like me found it difficult to integrate whereas a competitive environment like my class was not a place for a pimping turtle." Now rewrite this using half the words and a clearer grammatical structure.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

Actually, I think you have done a very good job of showing that the creation of the atomic bomb was not evil. Atomic bombs can be used in ways that are evil, but the technology itself is not innately negative. Such weapons can be used to end wars quickly, or to prevent wars by their very existence, or even theoretically as tools of peace. All of these are positive uses.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

"The absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood that has promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor."

Your previous sentence was technically correct but wordy. "It is" at the beginning of a sentence can most always be cut if the sentence is rephrased. In this case, getting rid of the "it is" necessitates also cutting the "that has." Otherwise the sentence becomes a fragment.

Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]

There are all sorts of grammar books that will teach you the terminology, from very basic learner's texts to more complicated tomes:

The best way to learn the terms, I found, was to start teaching writing to ESL students. Very few people who have only ever studied one language are familiar with the terminology used to discuss grammar, because they don't need to be able to describe grammar in order to use it correctly. Teaching someone else to write who is using English as a second language though, forces you to look up and learn the rules of English grammar so that you can articulate explanations of rules of usage you know instinctively to be correct.

I am not certain, btw, that the best way to improve your writing is to study grammatical terminology. It's not a bad idea, and will probably be somewhat beneficial, but you might find that writing articles, essays, short stories, and the like, and posting them here for feedback, or submitting them to writing workshops, teaches you more.

Undergraduate / "How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals? [6]


Is this really what you want the central idea of your essay to be?


Wow, this is . . . fairly negative. So, you admit you have horrible transcripts and that the university probably should not admit you. Why bother writing the essay at all then.


So? What does your need have to do with anything? What claim does it give you on the university? And what evidence does it provide that you will do anything more with a chance, if given one, than you did with all of the others you admit to having?

This would be a horrible essay even if it was meant to be written as an explanation of your poor academic performance in the past. As it is, it's also off-topic. you haven't said what your academic goals are, or how the program will help you accomplish them. I'd scrap this essay and try again.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]

The essay is interesting and well-written. Mostly he is giving the advice we always give, to write clearly and concisely, preferring the specific to the general. His point about using Saxon rather than Latin or Greek based words to get strong writing has been noted before. Churchill, for instance, wrote such strong speeches largely by picking Saxon words over the alternatives.

I find it interesting, though, that you interpret him as saying "to break his rules in order to avoid ugly prose." His actual phrasing is "Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous," which, given the title of his essay, could be interpreted as meaning something much different.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

No. I was actually agreeing with you. However, the author of the essay should think of possible counter-arguments when writing the essay, because authors of argumentative essays should always consider the opposing point of view. In this case, one might look at why males and females are interested in different subjects, whether this is the result of social forces that perpetuate inequality, and whether these social forces should be fought against.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

I am glad you think it went well. It's unfortunate that the presentation itself was in French. Otherwise, you could have posted a draft here for more detailed feedback.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

That would be the easiest case to argue, certainly. One might reference Simpson's Paradox as it applied to the 1973 Berkeley law suit when taking that approach. If you go with this argument, though, don't forget to brainstorm possible counter-arguments and to respond to them in your essay to make it as strong as possible.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

I think you are confusing two separate issues, here. Many of the Nazi experiments, though highly unethical, produced very useful, positive contributions to science. Much of our knowledge of the effects of hypothermia, as well as of the best ways to treat chemical burns, comes from those experiments. That the knowledge was obtained through evil means does not make the knowledge itself evil. The development of the atomic bomb had little to do with human experiments, but could be viewed as negative, though even that isn't entirely obvious. You would probably want to look more generally at the ways technology can be used to harm and oppress to make your point in this case.

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]


Here I have to disagree -- nothing kills satire faster than adherence to political correct norms and a desire to avoid giving offense.

"I longed for mildly retarded children who would be much more capable learners than my own." is actually sort of funny.

"I longed for mildly mentally challenged children who would be much more capable learners than my own." is not.

The sort of humor you are trying here should involve high levels of satire and irony. It should also, like any essay, have a point. That point should itself be meaningful, and preferably something that your core audience would identify with. Thinking that your children are stupid doesn't meet either of these criteria, which is why the essay fails to be particularly amusing.

By now you have probably realized that humor is highly subjective. What is funny to one person may be dull and insipid to another. However, when all three of your reviewers agree that the essay falls into the "not that funny" to "vaguely amusing" category, you can probably do better.

Book Reports / Death of a Salesman - symbolism and American dream [5]

First you need to finish reading the book. Then you need to define the American Dream. If it is defined as the pursuit of happiness, for instance, then your assignment won't make any sense at all. If it is defined as the pursuit of wealth, or of popularity, or of being number one at all costs, then you may have something you can work with. Once you know exactly what version of the American Dream you are going to be talking about, and have read the play fully, then you should have a much better idea of what symbols you want to focus on in your essay.

Also, don't forget to offer the sort of feedback you would like to receive on other people's threads. You wouldn't want a lot of posts here that did nothing but express agreement with the first comment made, would you?