Scholarship / Scholarship Essay: Passion for Computer Science [4]

Not bad. I really feel your passion for computers with this piece. I think that some minor tweaking will make it very strong.

A couple of quick notes before I head to sleep ...

Tone down the exclamation points! They are a little too casual and conversational for an essay of this nature! I know that you are excited about your subject, but the reader might feel like they are being shouted at!

When you talk about computers fitting in our laps, I feel like this essay might have been written a couple years ago. Heck, I don't have an iPhone, but I do have an iPod Touch and I have some pretty amazing applications on it--and I don't need the expanse of my lap. My dad has a monitor that is on this funky flexible material that he can roll up and stow. Reference something a little more cutting edge than a laptop if you are going to talk about advances in technology.

AND ... I want to hear more about YOU and how you are amazing instead of how amazing the computer is. The essay starts off a little like a research paper on computers until it gets into the meat of what influenced you to pursue a career in computer science.


Check out your semantics here ... Your goal is to uniquely create and expand. Your goal is to expand? Are you planning on putting on more than the freshman fifteen?


This is awkward. I'd omit "the year of 1996" and rephrase this.


You want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life devoted to computers? Do you plan on forgoing dating, marriage, and children? What about food and sleep? Friendships? Literature? Chocolate?! Tell me it isn't so! The hyperbole isn't effective here. If I were an admissions official, I would look for students who were a little more well-rounded (and who liked chocolate and would bring me some).

There are a few minor grammatical errors, but I must sleep (so I can dream of chocolate). I'll let other users point those out.

Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]


Watch your wording. it sounds like you are saying that you have improved your interest in art rather than your ability.


Again, the semantics can lead the reader to a different mental image. I am picturing the piano strapped to your chest like a life jacket as you flounder in the waves.


Now this is one that I can't picture! The only mobile I ever had was above my crib as a baby. It is probably better to cut this.


This sentence is awkward. Llamapoop already pointed out that traveling to Dubai really doesn't illustrate how you like to travel ... it simply states that you boarded an airplane. Economically considerate? Economically considerate of who? Your parents because they were footing the bill? You could say that you are financially responsible, but really, this sentence doesn't tell the reader anything about you nor does it add to the narrative.


Renewing the furniture? Are you pumping it up with vitamin B, letting it get a good night's sleep, and treating it to a day at the spa? Replacing it? Recovering it? Refinishing it? Renewing furniture doesn't make sense.


It is safe to assume that your readers will know what the Qura'an is--especially when you say that it symbolizes your religious belonging and Islamic identity. Actually, you don't say that it symbolizes, you say symbols. You will need to change this. Symbols is a noun and you need a verb.


The past tense is not working here. It is kind of like you are saying, "So, when I was little, my mom kept these lists of all these that are symbolic of me. These are things that were a constant since I was little. They represent my foundation. But, hey, I am a different person now and those lists tell me who I WAS."


You don't even want to know the mental image that this conjures. When you are talking about plant reproduction and then say that you have grown from your own "seed," well, it sounds like asexual human reproduction or cloning. "Seed" is a euphemism in the States for "sperm."

I don't feel like I learned much about the current YOU except that you have visited Dubai, you like shoes, and you change your furniture often. None of those traits are endearing though. None of those traits tell me that you will be a successful student in the US.

Letters / A letter to congress - RE: Cash For Clunkers [8]


Ahhh, what makes you think that they will read your letter at all? Sorry, but the legislators themselves rarely read the letters. The interns/staff sometimes do though. I wrote a letter and sent it off to five different legislators and didn't get a single response. Disappointing to say the least. I guess that they didn't already have a form letter/position statement available that they could shoot off to me. But I digress. I would suggest making a slightly reformatted edition to send off to the editorial pages of your local newspapers in addition to the letters you send to the legislators. A newspaper letter would need to be significantly shorter, but you already have such a strong base.

I am entirely opposed to the "cash for clunkers" program. Not only for the reasons mentioned in your letter, but because I don't think that the taxpayers should be in the business of subsidizing new car purchases. During the Great Depression, our government promised "a chicken in every pot." Now that we have hit a recession, the government wants to put a new car in every garage. Ridiculous. The destruction of these vehicles is taking a huge toll on the used auto parts industry. You are right when you say that the ones benefiting are the manufacturers, dealers, and the upper-middle class.

Here are a few grammatical and other points (I am sure that there are a few weird errors in my corrections; I haven't quite gotten the hang of using the html code for crossing out and adding red letters--please overlook those oddities):


In the US, the period comes inside the quotes.


This is a long sentence that is a little difficult for the reader to slog through, but you could tighten it up a tad and it would be better:

It is senseless and wasteful to destroy something that has serviceable life left in it (Based on the requirement that the "clunkers " must be driven to the dealership for trade in and have been registered and insured as a road- legal vehicles for a period of one year prior to trade in. ); especially when there are many people that do not have cars.


This could be tightened as well. You will need to specify that you are talking about gas mileage when new (the way it reads now, it sounds like the odometer mileage).

Some otherl Less fortunate people may be keepinga cars that leaks fluids, have a worn- out engines , dysfunctional emissions equipment, or may be potentially unsafe on the road; however, their cars does not qualify due to its the gas mileage when new.


I would like to see this concept expanded a bit. Talk about how the creation of new cars and disposal of the old offsets the environmental gains of replacing a car that gets two miles per gallon more. The environmental claims mask the real reason behind the program--to benefit the special interests of the car industry. I agree with Sean that the next paragraph detracts from your main argument. Stick with the environmental hazards of car disposal and drop the safety issues. You might also want to drop the American/foreign-made argument. It would shorten the letter significantly. Besides, arguing that the government could be doing it better takes away from the argument that they should not be doing it at all.


Put this in with the other section on the financial impact to individuals. Mention that bail-outs are a slippery slope.


This sentence makes it sound like many of the vehicles are park rangers, surveyors ... you could replace the first comma with a semicolon to add clarity. The professions shouldn't be capitalized--not even park ranger in this case because you aren't talking about rangers for particular park systems.


Add an apostrophe after the "s" in constituents because it is a possessive.


Add in a bunch of hyphens here ... blue- collar workers (mechanics), you do NOT care about used- car owners or low- income individuals


This sentence is bothering me. It is probably best not to call these fools ignorant, but instead try to persuade them to your side. Think of it as "educating" them on the points they missed when they voted for this foolhardy legislation.


No you don't. You don't hope that the votes of these constituents are enough to elect these fools again. Go ahead and say, "Their votes are not enough to elect you in the future."

You are a good writer and you bring up many valid points. Tighten this up a little, take out a few points that sidetrack your main argument, and you will have a strong, persuasive piece.

Writing Feedback / Looking for a review of My Philosophy Paper [12]

This is much, much better. You will want to take out the part where you say what the essay will do though. You don't need it and it distracts from the thesis. Believe me on this one. It also makes it longer, *grin* There are also a few empty words that could be omitted to tighten it up a bit. Here is the first sentence of your thesis with some editing:

Although Plato and Aristotle both believed that humans have both a soul and a body, the teacher and his student would disagree on what comprises the soul. Both men's theories will be compared and contrasted in this essay with respect to the ontological and socio-pscychological nature of man; it becomes clear that when their views are juxtaposed that Aristotle diverges from the views of his teacher on a epistemological and metaphyscial level.

The second sentence is a little trickier because when you omit the part about what the essay will discuss, the construction changes. I;'d rewrite it to say:

When their ontological and socio-psychological theories are juxtaposed, it becomes clear that Aristotle again diverges from the views of his teacher.

This is a TOUGH paper! I am glad that I am not the one that has to write it.

Undergraduate / My Favorite Flowers [5]

I think it is fine to use the flower, but I do have one concern. A flower is nature's accomplishment. The other things in the prompt are all human accomplishments or accomplished humans--books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, magazines, or newspapers. The prompt listings are all in the creative vein as well while a flower is a well, a flower. Flowers may be aesthetically pleasing, but they are not created nor are they creators unless you tie in that element. You could still work it in, but I see it as straying too far from the prompt as it is written. If I were to read this essay as an admission official, I would think that it was written for another purpose and you figured you would slide it in because you didn't have the time to write one especially for the University of Chicago. I might also make the assumption that the U. of Chiacoago was not your first choice if you didn't make the effort and slide your application off to the side.

Here's one idea on reworking it to fit:

Talk about a flower garden that contains jasmine. A garden is something that is created and cultivated by people and a gardener is the creator. A garden would be a closer parallel to the other items in the prompt. You could even say that a gardener "painted" the landscape with a "symphony" of color to tell a "story." (Or not, *grin*)

Writing Feedback / Looking for a review of My Philosophy Paper [12]

That helps a lot. When formatting your thesis statement you will want to basically say: Although Aristotle and Plato share A and B, their views on C and D are different. Or . . . Plato and Aristotle agree on A, but not B; they agree on C, but their views differ on D. Thesis statements can be two sentences (although some teachers/profs like it to be boiled down to one). Here's an example of what I might write for this paper:

Although Plato and Aristotle both believed that humans have an imperfect and immortal body, the teacher and his student would disagree on what comprises the soul. Both men's theories divide human nature into three levels of functioning while exalting reason, but when their views are juxtaposed, it becomes apparent that Aristotle again diverges from the views of his teacher.

Essays / common app short (activities) essay: strict word limit?? [10]

Agreed! This is one of those times that you need to follow the format as answer the prompt.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


LOL! I *so* missed that the first time through, but you are right Liebe! I guess you were a little too subtle. If kritipg saw the double entendre here, I don't think she would have been offended by the "LOOOOL."

I didn't go through this essay line by line because Liebe had already tackled it. Simone and Sean tend to either comment on the general tone, the way the essay answers the prompt, or a particular thing for the author to focus on (run-on sentences, passive voice). They will sometimes provide a few grammar fixes, but they rarely go through an essay line by line because it is a time-consuming process. When I go in depth with an essay, it can take upwards of an hour.


Wouldn't it be nice if users stated the kind of feedback that they'd like? It would also be nice if everyone included a prompt and purpose.


Yes it is! And I am adding to it. See how I am?

Writing Feedback / Looking for a review of My Philosophy Paper [12]

Would you be able to post the assignment? At least the big picture of what you are being told to write about? That would help a lot in figuring out what kind of thesis statement you need. I don't always start with a thesis statement, but it focuses my writing when I can. The conclusion comes much easier as well.

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

I don't think that high schools do a good job of teaching students how to write an essay--especially one about themselves. Students are suddenly faced with the task of putting together a piece of writing that not only conveys their personality, but shows them in a good light--all in 250 words or less. The stakes are high when one misused word could mean the difference between acceptance and being waitlisted. It is daunting!

There is a lot to be said for collaborative effort. Look to Vietfun's essays as an example . . . they were by no means bad when he first posted, but after input from other forum members, they were perfect for submission.

It is *tough* to critique. Just because someone is posting an essay here for comment, doesn't necessarily mean that they *really* want to be critiqued. I have found that there is a distinction between commenting on grammar and commenting on content. It is easier in many ways to comment on the grammar because it is (generally) black and white. Analyzing the content and discussing how an essay makes you *feel* is much more complicated, but that kind of commentary is valuable as well.

I have noticed that the people on this forum tend to be tougher on the essays that ARE well written. I know that I take a little care on pieces that look like the author has taken time on while I don't give much thought at all to posts that seem to want someone from here to do all the work for them. In many ways, an in-depth critique is a compliment. See, Kritpg, the time that people have put into analyzing your essay shows that they take you, and your odds of being admitted into Columbia, seriously.

I have heard that you should sandwich a criticism between two compliments, but that is a little unrealistic to put into practice here. "Gee, I really like the way that you spelled your name correctly. You didn't address the prompt at all. What a great story!" I would like to strive to say at least something positive in my comments though, something that people can hold onto and think that life, as they know it, is not over.

I also believe that people really do have difficulty with writing. Formulating a sentence is much different than a chemistry formula. Writers can get so emotionally attached to their work that they have a hard time seeing it through anyone else's eyes. Writers also have the "director's commentary" going in the back of their mind that isn't available to the reader--they know the back story and what they meant to say--and don't always realize that the rest of us don't know what is going on. I find it VERY helpful when people point out the idiosyncrasies in my writing.

Thanks for the reminder, Simone. I will take that to heart when I comment. Thanks for the humor, Sean. I don't have nearly enough sarcasm in my life.

Writing Feedback / Looking for a review of My Philosophy Paper [12]

Your thesis statement isn't really a thesis statement. You say what what your paper will contain, but not really what the heart of it is. Papers of this nature aren't just encyclopedic articles recapping a subject, but an analysis of what you have learned. You are writing about your interpretation of the subject, your point of view on the material. Instead of just giving the reader a road map of where you are going, a thesis statement tells the reader why you are going there. Thesis statements often have a point that can be disputed, but they don't have to. When your professors ask you to compare and contrast, evaluate, interpret, analyze, or argue a point, the need for a thesis statement is implied.

Here are a couple of links that explain how to write a thesis for a college-level paper:

indiana.edu/~wts/pamphlets/thesis_statement.shtml
owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/545/01/

As I was reading though your paper, I got the feeling that you lack confidence. I know that you are just a student writing for a professor who has been studying the subject much longer, but you still need to come across as understanding the content. Here's an example of what I mean:


The word seem is very weak here. You can simply say, "Aristotle and Plato are both elitists and would eschew the notion that people are created equal."

And another example:


Appear makes it sound like you did a surface read. "Well, you know, I like, um, glanced at the textbook and read the little caption thingies under the pictures, and I, ummm, think, that like, you know, Plato and that Aristotle guy appear to have different notions." You have been using the word notion a lot. Notion is a word that means more than just idea--it conveys that the idea is hazy, unformed, imperfect, or based on opinion rather than thought. If my mechanic only had a notion of how to fix transmissions, I'd be out there in a heartbeat. Plato and Aristotle have more than just notions; they have spent a lot of time and care putting together their philosophical theories (or we surely wouldn't still be studying them today!). There are a lot of words that you could use instead that would not only add a little more life, but would be closer to the correct meaning . . . belief, view, opinion, conception, insight, understanding, judgment, examination, analysis.

You might also want to go more into what the philosophers meant by some of their descriptions . . . tripartite soul, for example. Okay, so it has three parts, but tell us more about how the three types of desires function. I know that you went into the chariot with the horses, but that is an example from Plato's day that is more a paraphrase of his allegory than an analysis. He carried the tripartite viewpoint to society as well . . . what are your thoughts on this. The concept of a tripartite, with body, soul, and spirit, is common in theology. When Freud formulated theories with his super-ego, ego, and id, he's probably been reading Plato.

Just a few more style notes . . . when you format your paper, you will want to put the titles of the writings in italics. Rewrite your sentences so you can include the information that you have in parenthesis within your sentences. You could off-set these asides in commas or em-dashes (the long dash that a lot of word-processing programs will give you automatically when you use two hyphens . . . or you can use ALT+1051). Personally, I find it distracting when a paper with parenthetical citations has other parenthesis in it. My eye is trained to kind of skip over the stuff in the parenthesis to improve flow. Here is a website that give some more info particular to using MLA style with philosophy papers:

people.creighton.edu/~ees33175/Intro-phil_WebSite/MLA-guidelines-jan2007.htm

And one last thing:


What are you trying to say here? Alternations means the act of alternating, taking turns . . . or it can mean the process of changing something, like when you alternate a dress. Philosophizes is a verb. Did you mean philosophies? This sentence doesn't make sense. Even if I were to change the words to say what I think you are trying to say, it is fluff. Go out on a conclusion that leaves a good impression.

I was hoping that someone else would jump in here with an opinion and some feedback, but things are pretty busy on this site lately! I thought that summer would be slow, but I forgot about all of the college-application essays.

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

First of all, don't worry about a late response--we understand time differences and being busy. Liebe is a little closer to your timezone in the United Arab Emirates. You do not come across as rude. To the contrary, you are polite and gracious with criticism.


Thanks. I really don't feel qualified, but I am trying. Instead of just changing things, I would like to let you know WHY I would make those changes (I do the same thing with native speakers). I don't always know why we do things the way we do though.


It makes a difference in English WHERE you put certain words. "Problems one hundred years ago" makes it sound like the problems were one hundred years ago and not now. What you are trying to say is that we have new problems. Your first sentence makes that point. I am not sure why your English teacher wanted you to add "one hundred years ago." If you want to keep that phrase, you need to rewrite the sentence so that it says that we have new problems that we did not have one hundred years ago.


The word did was a quirk in my sentence. It is not needed. "Did" is considered a helping/auxiliary verb here and the sentence can be rewritten without it. I could have said, "I want to point out" or "Let me point out." I could have even started the sentence with the word environment, but the first part of the sentence added a little bit of politeness.


"New area" isn't necessarily wrong, but it is a little vague. It is like saying "the space," but not telling your reader what space you are talking about. Space and area are similar words in English. I didn't have a clear picture of what area you were talking about. I was thinking that urbanization would mean building factories and such on land that had been open or rural.


Yes! This sentence can be shortened. I put the word collected in there because the word taxes is usually something people here think about paying out. It is not needed though. Can this rule be applied to every English sentence? No. No. No. The one thing in English that is always the same is that there will be exceptions.


In this sentence, you would just say online. You are talking about online in a very general sense. You would need the if you were talking about the Internet in this sentence (because there is only one Internet). Not the easiest concept to use here though! I think I have I have an explanation on when to use articles. I wanted to make a flowchart in Photoshop, but then I realized I would not have a way of posting a picture here. It seems to me that articles are the area where most English learners make mistakes. If you were able to conquer the article, you would eliminate many mistakes.

Here are a couple of Internet sites that explain article use:
esl.about.com/library/beginner/blathe.htm
unenlightenedenglish.com/?p=330

The websites are a little complex, but the second one has a flowchart like I had in mind.


I will try! I don't know if I can do this though. Sean! Simone! I am in over my head here!

The only thing I would do is omit . . . would (and could, should, might, may, will, must, can) is in a special class of verbs called "modal verbs." They can also be used as imperative verbs to command someone to do something (You must see that movie!). A modal verb is another helping verb. We sometimes use them to be polite . . . would you open the door for me? That sounds better in English than . . . Open the door for me! The tricky thing is that some of the modal verbs (could, should, would) have to have another verbs with it. Then there are other modal verbs (do or have, for example) that can work alone or with another verb. A similar sentence structure could be, "The only thing I would eat is my mom's apple pie." Here's a website that explains it better: learnenglish.de/grammar/verbmodal.htm

The only thing I'm doing is omitting . . . doing is the gerund form so it uses another gerund in this case. This is saying that you are doing something right now. Let me use another example. The only thing I am doing is eating.

The only thing I will do is omit . . . This is talking about something you will do in the future. You aren't doing it right now and you aren't being polite about it (but you aren't being rude either), you are simply stating what you plan to do. I will eat the sandwich.


This was my sleep-deprived brain not writing very well! Seems is present tense--we are currently destroying the environment. Seemed is past tense. We might have destroyed the environment in the past, but we are behaving better now.


There are several words in English that are closely related:
Critic . . . noun, a person who being critical
Critical . . . adjective, describes finding fault or judging
Critique . . . noun, the writing or evaluation. This would sometimes be in the form of an essay or newspaper article. Critique can also be used as a verb, but it is less common.

Criticism . . . another noun. Judgment, comment, evaluation.
Critically . . . adverb
Criticize . . .verb, the action

In your sentence you need to say more about who should be a critic or who should be critical:

a citizen needs to be a critic of their government's decisions
people need to be critical of their government's decisions
people should criticize their government's decisions.

I hope that I didn't confuse you more (or make you stay up way too late again).

Writing Feedback / "Who made history"--A difficult GRE Issue topic [9]


Private Joseph Martin kept a diary during the Revolutionary War. His detailed writings prove to be an invaluable primary resource. I have seen Private Martin quoted almost as often as I have seen George Washington quoted in my reading on the Revolutionary War. I think that it is important for history to include more than just the heroes.

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

Sean is right. Of course, Sean is right. Sean is just about always right. In fact, I cannot think of an instance when Sean wasn't right, *grin*

I understand the use of the definite article in English (the) and the indefinite article (a, an), but I don't know how to explain why we use articles with some nouns some of the time and why nouns don't always use an article! English is tough--even for native speakers!

I kind of get that the and a/an are not only articles, but adjectives because they modify nouns. And I am getting better at using an instead of a when there's another adjective that starts with a vowel--that's an ugly dog!

I have an inkling that article use depends on if a person is talking about all of something in a very general way . . . I like dogs! (with no article) Or if they are talking about just one of something . . . I want a dog. (an indefinite article) Or if they are referring to a particular dog . . . The dog needs to go outside. (definite article)

What I can't seem to wrap my head around (at least well enough to ever explain it to an English learner) is why we don't always use articles. There are times when nouns have other kinds of modifiers . . . my dog, your dog, that dog, those dogs, but then there are times when we plop the noun down with nothing there. I think it has to do with referring to something in an all-encompassing, generic way.

I am ill-equipped to explain English grammar, Simone called me out by name (next time, I just might have to ignore her). I reread my post from last night and it doesn't make much sense. You all ought to restrict my usage to times that I am fully awake and functional.

Harry, can I ask what your native language is? That might help me to better understand how you approach learning English.

Writing Feedback / Looking for a review of My Philosophy Paper [12]

Intro . . . you start by saying that Aristotle and Plato have produced some of the most-influential documents in history then you state what your document will present. With your use of the word document here, it insinuates that you are on the same level as Aristotle and Plato. I don't think that the word document is the best word in either of these sentences. I might substitute a word like treatise, discourse, exposition, or even writing for the first occurrence. The second one would be better replaced with a word like paper or essay. Are you supposed to have a thesis statement? You tell the reader a little bit about what they should expect to encounter, but not really. Words like "seek to" and "seem to" are weak and devalue the paper. You can state your opinion without using these wishy-washy sentiments--just back up your thoughts with evidence from your research.

Body I . . . more words here that take away your authority of the subject.


Even if he avoids nailing down his ontological views, it is your job to read between the lines and nail them down for him. Just because he saw human forms as being shadowy (so to speak, with his cave analogy), doesn't mean that you can just say that. The way your first sentence is written, it sounds more like you don't understand his concepts so you'd rather keep your essay vague. Be assertive!


There you go! Talk about the duality of form with perception and reality.


"Basically" is another one of those words that makes it sound like you are not confident in your reading or interpretation of Plato's position. Be strong!

When you take the words directly, make sure you put those particular words in quotes.

I'll let someone else provide input. This is a looooooong paper and I would need to brush up more on my Plato and Aristotle before commenting on the content.

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects on our environment' - Benefits and Drawbacks of Urbanisation [10]

*Grin* I am not very confident when it comes to helping non-native speakers either! I don't want to discourage people by nitpicking, but I would like to be helpful too. I haven't figured out how to walk that line yet. There are so many things in English that native speakers just know because they sound right to us. The use of articles (the, a, an) before nouns is a prime example of the difficulty English presents. I am not sure how one learns when and when not to use an article. When I see minor errors in the writings of non-native speakers, those errors usually have to do with article use, verb/noun agreement, or using a word that is close to the intended word, but not the right word (whether/weather, there/their, etc). Heck, even in the work of native-speakers, those are the most common errors.

Let me see if I can pick up on a few errors and analyze the idiosyncrasies behind the English.


Simone already commented on this sentence. It starts out very strong, but the one hundred years ago confuses the reader. Simone gave you a good revision for this sentence.


Liebe already commented on this sentence as well. I did want to point out that environment is almost always singular in English. Crazy, I know. When you think of the environment, you think of the air, the land, and the water. Lots of environments, right? We lump all of those things together and just call it the environment. The end of this sentence gets a little confusing when you talk about new areas following urbanization. I understand what you are saying (I think). With urbanization, comes new factories. New areas in English almost makes it sound like the urbanization is creating new open space--the opposite of what I think you are trying to say. Area is a word that, unless you modify it with other words, implies big and empty space.


Verbs! Verbs are so hard to learn in any language because there are so many tenses and nuances. You don't need the word are here because keep is already acting as your verb. Extinct is an adjective. It describes nouns. You are wanting to use is as a verb here because it looks like it should be one. Extincted isn't a word. To make it past tense, you have to change the verb in front of it. To make it future tense, you need to change the verb as well. The dwarf lemur will become extinct if precautions aren't taken. The passenger pigeon is extinct. The woolly mammoth became extinct when the ice age ended.


You have some great vocabulary going here, but the pieces don't quite fit together in the way that an English-speaker would expect (we are a demanding lot) and the reader gets a little lost. Did you mean something like: Nevertheless, this tragedy is happening even now and threatens the well-being of mankind.


Wide range of employment is singular so you would need to say "A wide range of employment is offered in return." Crazy. It is obvious that we are talking about more than one employment opportunity, but that's just the way it is.


Like Simone said, this is a long sentence. You can make it work with a little more organization, but it could be better to split it. "With economic benefit being the sole purpose of urbanization, many factories are built. These factories benefit the local economy and increase the government's wealth through taxes collected."


Yes! This whole section works well the way it is. The only thing I would do is omit the comma between air and water and put the wrod and there instead.


A couple of little changes here. The verb was isn't working. You need a plural verb to go along with effects. You could either say that there were positive effects or there are positive effects.


You start this sentence with a past-tense verb, then use a present-tense verb and then another past-tense verb. Ecosystem is one of the words that needs an article. Hmmm . . . let's see . . . would it be something like: It seems like we are improving our quality of life by destroying the ecosystem. Although there appear to to short-term gains, this approach will hurt us in the long term.


More weird English rules here . . . nations doesn't need the word the. When you use just nation, then you do need to say the nation. Don't ask me why; I don't know. We would also say to be critical of instead of to be critic on.

You have a few spelling errors. Is that because you are practicing without the benefit of spellcheck or are they just typing errors?

ocasionally should be occassionally
develope should be develop
enviromentlly should be environmentally
severly should be severely

I don't feel like I was of much help at all! I have thought about tutoring people in my community who are learning English, but I don't think I would be very good at it. I can't really explain why we do some of the things that we do.

Your English is pretty good. It think it will become better with practice. BUT . . . you must let people know that you want to improve and ask them to correct you when you say something wrong. Practice without feedback isn't going to help you improve as quickly. You will improve faster if you have English-speaking friends and watch television in English.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

I was thinking more about this essay last night . . . for your conclusion, I would really like to see another mention of the yellow blanket and how that ties your two worlds together.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]


To quote people, highlight the words in their post and then click on the "Quote" tab in the lower, right-hand corner of the post. Don't worry about not being specific. It is HARD to critique other people's writing, but all input helps!

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]

Ahhh . . . it makes *so* much more sense to talk about the PSYCHOLOGICAL aspects of the book. That is why I asked for the exact prompt.

Sean is right in saying that you need to stick to the Christian paradigm. Irving, through the character of John Wheelwright, is very spiritual, but has great difficulty with organized religion. The book makes fun of organized religion while still being very religious. Owen Meany is set up as divine, almost like a son of God, and there are many parallels in the book between Christ and Owen.


Bingo! One of the reasons that the characters in the book have difficulty with organized religion is that the churches don't accept the divine qualities in Owen. The Meanys leave the Catholic Church because the church does not believe their story of Owen's virgin birth. The Meanys and John see Owen as a miracle--proof of God's existence. The churches of the town do not and herein lies the paradox. Owen's father asks, "If you actually believe that miracles have happened, why is it impossible to believe that a miracle could occur in one's own life?" It is this denial of Owen's divine nature that is the gap between faith realized and the faith teachings of organized religion.

Sean gave you perfect advice on how to beef up what you already have with transitions and analysis. He is one of those smart cookies that I was referring to.

I am off to bed too!

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

Yes, interested is used to modify a person rather than a thing. When you use it with a thing, it seems to personify that object--giving it human characteristics that you most likely don't intend.

Your English is *very* good. English is such a difficult language and very few native speaker ever really master it (I am still working at it myself). Here are a few more for you before I retire for the night:


Yes, this is a little difficult. You are assuming that your reader knows who Faraday is. You might want to introduce him just a little. Michael Faraday, an 19th century physicist, is one example of how disregarding a mathematical education can be detrimental.


You need to either say led him to many great discoveries or led him to many of the greatest discoveries. The difference here (I think!) is that in the first phrase, great is an adjective modifying the noun discoveries while in the second greatest discoveries acts as a complete noun that requires and article (the). Dang. I don't think that I explained it well. It might be just one of those things that native speakers know because it "sounds right" to them.


Whoa! This is a long sentence. You'd be better off breaking it into two. Late should be later. It is another one of those that I don't know why we would use later here instead of late, we just would. It should also be an intricate picture. Because the article is being used before a word that starts with a vowel, you need an instead of a. ... a force FIELD ... nor could he go FAR enough. Or you could say just FURTHER without the word enough. If I were to rewrite this part, I'd probably go with something like: In his later years, he had some initial ideas about the relationship between magnetism and electricity and even formed an intricate picture of a force field, but Faraday lacked the mathematical knowledge to impart his surrealistic concepts to his colleagues. Not understanding the math required to develop his theories kept him from going further.

I hope that my corrections help instead of confusing you more.

Undergraduate / "Yellow blanket, sweet sixteen" - common application-topic of choice/feedback [15]

It is well-written and evokes a strong mental picture. I agree with Sean here--it could be condensed and the ending could be more of a transition into how you would be a good candidate for admission. Even if you were to briefly say that you are a bridge between two cultures and you are appreciative for the new lease on life your adoptive mother gave you (and won't squander those opportunities), it would tie the story to the application process.

There are a few grammar notes. I won't go over everything because of time constraints, but here are a few to get you started:


Mustafa commented on this sentence as well. The parties aren't surrounded by your friends and families. The parties aren't in awe either. You don't transition from childhood to a young woman either. You could transition from childhood to adulthood or from a child to a young woman. See the difference here? I won't rewrite these sentences because I think that you have the ability to do that on your own. Sometimes we become some familiar with our own writing that we don't see how things read to others.


You could lose these two sentences and the essay wouldn't really miss them. If you feel you need a transition here, I'd make it more brief. Something like: My sixteenth birthday was a life-changing event for me.


Take out life-altering and get right to the description of the gift. It would strengthen the flow of the essay in my opinion.


Add a hyphen between the words leather and bound. Take out the comma after the word journal. I think I'd change the word woman to parent here. We already know that she is a woman, but the telling us that she is a single parent gives more of an emotional tie. Omit the word to. It makes your verb tense incorrect.


Sweet sixteen doesn't need to be in quotes, but it does need to be set off by either commas or em-dashes (one of those long dashes that a lot of word-processing programs will give you when you use two hyphens in a row--I can't do one with the formatting of this website). The word culture needs to be cultural because it is acting as an adjective modifying climate. It is still a long sentence and the reader has to struggle a bit to make sense of it all. I'd omit a couple of the words to tighten it up just a bit. It would be better reading something like: Mom explained that she had waited until this moment--my sweet sixteen--to share her candid entries with me knowing that I had the maturity to comprehend the circumstances surrounding my birth within the context of the cultural climate of Peru. I know, I know. I took out some pretty important words there . . . confident, adoption, value, political . . . if you are attached to those words, you could rework this so that it was broken into two sentences that didn't lose the reader half way through.


of childhood would read better here.


Are you sure that this is the name of the orphanage? Could it have been La Casa de los Nińos? Spanish has a very consistent grammar structure and I can't see them leaving off the primary article (the) or the preposition (of). Nińos doesn't have an apostrophe. When you write this in your essay, italicize the Spanish words. Put a hyphen between the words state and run.

I am going to stop here and let someone else pick up on other grammar points. It is a beautiful story. With a little bit of polishing, it will be a great application essay.

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]

Okay, I will focus just on the editing/proofreading and not on the content.

Owen Meany believes he is God's instrument[.]T hroughout the novel[,]A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving, both Owen and his best friend Johnny Wheelwright [,]meetface many strange anomalies for regular mortals that confirm to each other that Owen is indeed God's instrument. The events that most greatly affect Owens's life[,] and essentially the outcome of the book[,] are encountered through physiological discoveries.

Ugh. I said I wouldn't comment on content, but I can't help it here. Physiological discoveries mean things that pertain to the physical being--the body. It would be comments on Owen's unnaturally high voice or his short stature. You are focusing more on the supernatural aspects of the book.

Owens's claimed vision of the angel of death in Johnny's mothers room, Owen seeing a date upon Scrooge's gravestone, and when Owen dreams of his own death.

This is a incomplete sentence. All these things do what? Are they indications of the supernatural undertones in the novel? You could try rewriting it something like this: Owen's claimed vision of the angel of death in Johnny's mother's room, Owen seeing a date upon Scrooge's gravestone, and Owen's dreams of his own death are supernatural elements in the novel.

Tragedy is introduced early in the novel with the death of Mrs. Wheelwright; however, ither death plays a vital role in the remainder of the story. Owen a ccidentally kills Mrs. Wheelwright during a baseball game, and as the novel progresses it's learned that Owen perceives this death w as fate.

"He had interrupted the angel of death at her holy work; she had reassigned the task...to him" (Irving 103). When using MLA style, you don't need to state the author when you are using just one source. You have already stated in your introduction who the book is by and the title. You do still need page numbers though.

Owen, during one of his visits to Mrs. Wheelwright's room[,] claims to have disturbed the angel of death and prevented it from killing her. This is one of the first signs to Owen that he is God's instrument, and he feels that G od guides him to hitting the baseball at Mrs. Wheelwright, for this was the way fate dealt with her escape from death.as fate's way of dealing with her escape from death.

Owen described the event as "The fated Baseball". You are going to need a page number here. With citations, the period will go on the outside of the parenthesis, but otherwise, they would go on the inside. I am not sure what to do with this quote here. In the book I think it is "THAT FATED BASEBALL," but for the essay I would think you could put all of the letters in lowercase.

The author, until after the actual death of Mrs. Wheelwright[,] withholds this information[.]B y doing this[,] he manipulates the reader into thinking as Johnny does , that Owen is divine.

As the novel progresses[,] Owen encounters similar dealings that continued to reaffirm his faith as well as Johnny's.

Arguably the most integral and plot- defining moment of the story is introduced during the play The Christmas Carol. You will need to italicize the name of the play here.

D uring athe play[,] Owenhad sees his full name and a date upon a gravestone; this proves to Owen that he is the hands of G od, and that his destiny is scripted.

This is the first introduction of some type of conflict in the novel, for it foreshadows the death of Owen, and it poses the question, will Owen die upon this predetermined date? This really isn't the first introduction of conflict in the novel. Omit that part. It could read something like: The tombstone foreshadows Owen's death and poses the question to the reader of whether or not Owen will die on this predetermined date.

In Owens's eyes and later Johnny's, the occurrence of Owen seeing when his final day will come during Christmas, the Christian holiday that symbolizes the resurrection of Christ, indicates that Owen is a possible child of God, but most definitely supernatural.

Here again[,] the a uthor decides to wait until later in the story to unveil that Owen was of a virgin birth.

This Knowledge settles that matter that Owen is godlike, yet the reader is handed shock when much later in the book this information is unleashed. I am not following the chronology here. Why is knowledge capitalized? Is the mater settled for all readers? Are all readers shocked? Would it be better to say that the author portrays Owen as godlike?

These supernatural occurrences to Owen seem to build upon each other, for as years pass,until Owen receives his culminating message.

Throughout the novel [,] Owens 's most disturbing vision was the seeing of his own (full) name upon a gravestone[.]muchL ater in the story[,] the authorit is describesto the reader that Owen'shad a recurring dream depicting his own death and the manner in which it would occur. "I know when I am going to die-and now the dream has shown me how I am going to die, I am going to be a hero! I trust that god will help me"(416 Irving ).

During this stage of the novel[,] it is clear to Johnny and the reader that Owen has been entrusted by G od to do some heroic action.

This sets the book up for an eventful finish, where all of the previously mentioned events and others unifycome together for Owen to fulfill what he sees of himself.

The b ook['] s main theme is Owens 's extraordinary life, and the main conflict is if all of Owens's physiological occurrences will lead him to fulfill his one destiny[.]Because it is a rhetorical question that you are not expecting your reader to answer, you don't need the question mark.

This question finds closure in the final pages of the book; Owen manages to perform God's will as he saves a group of Vietnamese children from death by utilizing the "shot" that he and Johnny had practiced so abundantly.

The author cleverly used many of Owen['] s intrinsic events to build a conflict and a story line behind .

The a uthor took the reader up on the same journey as Johnny did by slowly leaking information of Owens 's physiological life until Owen['] s final act made sensebrings the elements of the story to its inevitable ending .

Okay, I may not have done a perfect job. In fact, I am sure that I didn't. Unlike Owen Meany, I am only human. I'd love to see comments from others. We have some very smart cookies on this site.

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]

More questions . . . do you have to write about mental OR physiological events in the book? Did you mean physiological as in the normal bodily functions of a living thing or did you mean psychological as pertaining to the mind and mental phenomena? Could you post the prompt, as it is written, here?

You still have some Gods that aren't capitalized and the word author capitalized where it shouldn't be. John Irving, even if he is an egoist, wouldn't agree with be elevated above God.

I don't think that you have to worry about the number of pages. I cut and pasted it into my Word program (because it looked like exactly two pages and I am a dork like that so I had to know) and it came in PRECISELY at two pages--that was using MLA standards of 12-point Times New Roman and one-inch margins. The margins on your Word program might not be set to one-inch margins as a default.

I'll come back to this. Being that this is one of my favorite books, I have taken quite the interest in this essay. It would help A LOT if you could post your prompt.

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

Here are the parts that I thought sounded a little awkward. I am nit picking here. I am nit picking because your English is so good and I know that you want to improve it even more.


One is one of those words that has several different meaning in English. In this sentence, it is a little confusing. It would clarify things in the reader's mind if you were to substitute person for one here.


His interested field is awkward here. The English-speaking mind is programmed to picture the field being interested. What is it that the field finds so interesting? You could just say his field or the field that he is interested in.


This is a comma splice because the two parts of this sentence could stand alone as their own sentences. You could fix that by putting a semicolon or a period after the word brevity. The last part of this sentence doesn't quite flow like a native speaker would write it. We might say something like: for girls, it is equally difficult or perhaps even more so. OR Girls struggle with self-guided learning as well. There are some teachers/professors who don't like the use of he as a gender-neutral pronoun. I have gotten in the habit of restructuring my sentences to avoid the use all together! You could do that here as well if you wanted to: Even the most diligent students will skim through what does not interest them, and, more or less, neglect what they find tedious.


We have had political correctness drilled into us in the US and students here generally don't include stereotypes in their formal papers. Although girls score lower on standardized tests in math (and higher in reading and writing), it would still be considered a stereotype to say that girls dislike math. You could reword this to just say students who dislike math. Get rid of is a pretty casual statement in English. Not the best one for an essay. When it comes to teach themselves is also awkward. It is written like it is teaching themselves. If you were to add the word time in front of to, the sentence would read much better. The new sentence could be something like: Many student dislike math and are likely to avoid it when it comes time to teach themselves.

Speaking of time, my break is just about over and I need to get back to work. I'll come back later and nit pick some more. (Unless you'd rather me keep my snotty-nosed opinions to myself).

Writing Feedback / Essay on A Prayer for Owen Meany [18]

A Prayer for Owen Meanie is one of my favorite books. It is a well-crafted piece of literature.

Yes, your essay has some issues with organization and well as grammar. One thing to keep in mind when writing a literature essay is that you should use the present tense. Even when talking about things that happened in the past in the novel, you use present tense. It gets tricky, but eventually you will get the hang of it. Also remember those apostrophes when you are talking about a possessive . . . God's instrument (you did it right the first time, but not the next), Johnny's mother's room, Johnny's mom, Mrs. Wheelright's room . . . and those are just from the first paragraph.

Some other grammar rules to keep in mind: in American English, the punctuation (generally) falls within the quotation marks. Keep your capitalization of the word God consistent. With this book and this essay, you will always want to have God capitalized. Names of books should be italicized. It looks like you are using MLA style for your in-text citations . . . put the period after you give the page number in parenthesis: . . . it said the whole thing" (Irving 254). There is at least one place where you are missing a period and at least one more where you don't have the page number for your quote.

Sometimes when proofreading our own work, we don't see the forest for the trees and other times we don't see the trees for the forest. I think you might be missing some of the trees here in your proofreading. As you do some of your rewriting, look over your sentences to make sure that they are complete, that they aren't run-ons, that your verbs agree, and that you aren't missing small words like a or the.

Here's one example of what I am talking about:


Huh? Three are a lot of words here, but I am not sure that they form a sentence (the missing period doesn't help) or that they make any sense.

I suggest that you clean it up to the best of your ability (using the things mentioned here) and the repost for detailed commentary. I know that I, for one, don't want to go too deeply into corrections until you have done some of the rewriting.

Writing Feedback / "Who made history"--A difficult GRE Issue topic [9]


True! But when you are talking about history, I feel that the ultimate goal shouldn't be propaganda. The feeling among many Americans is that Martin Luther King Day is more of an African-American holiday. If we would have celebrated a Civil Rights Day instead, it would have been more inclusive in celebrating the gains made by the other leaders in African-American rights as well women's rights and the right gained by other minority groups. But I have a way of going off on my own little tangents. I really will come back with more grammar suggestions.

Writing Feedback / The intellectual benefits of attending a university - advice my second GRE issue [17]

You have a nice flow and make your argument well. Your vocabulary is quite strong as well. There are small errors with grammar. English is such a difficult language! I think that it takes time and practice to develop an ear for the language. Most native speakers instinctively know when something doesn't sound right.

Alas, it is late here and I must go to bed before I make myself sick. I'll come back tomorrow and point out some of the errors.

Writing Feedback / "Who made history"--A difficult GRE Issue topic [9]

Your point is a very valid one and I think that you do a good job of supporting it. I think that we, as Americans, like to have heroic figures and that we neglect the contributions of other individuals as a result. We don't always see the forest for the trees.

Personally, I don't think that Martin Luther King, Jr. Day should be a holiday. Now before you accuse me of being racist, hear me out. Martin Luther King Day is the only holiday we have in the United States that honors only one person. There is Columbus Day, but that has fallen out of favor in recent years and is in grave danger of losing its status as an observance altogether. Presidents' Day honors both Washington and Lincoln--two celebrated American heroes who had a great impact on our nation. Martin Luther King Junior was a great man and was a leader in the Civil Rights movement, but there were many other leaders, lots of people played significant roles in the Civil Rights movement. Take Thurgood Marshall as one example . . . not only was he the first African American to serve on the Supreme Court, but he successfully argued Brown v. the Board of Education prior to his appointment. Marshall worked closely with the NAACP as their lead lawyer. It was because of President Lyndon Johnson's influence that the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act were passed--an agenda that was planned by the Kennedy brothers. You really cannot discount their role in the Civil Rights movement either.

And then there are the Civil Rights leaders who paved the way . . . Frederick Douglass, Harriet Tubman, W.E.B. DuBois, Booker T. Washington, Harriet Beecher Stowe, and President Lincoln. And the people who fought for other kinds of Civil Rights . . . Caesar Chavez, Susan B. Anthony, Margaret Sanger, Anne Hutchinson.

We should not have a Martin Luther King Day. We should have a Civil Rights Day. A holiday that is more inclusive. A holiday that celebrates all of the gains we have made. A holiday that recognizes that we still have a ways to go toward achieving equality in our nation. By recognizing only one man, we discount he contributions of others.

Man, can I get off on a tangent or what? Sorry about that.

You have some grammar issues with this essay. There are places where your verbs don't agree and other places where you have used the wrong word or left out an article.

I'll pick out the first five that jump out at me:


Remarkable figures, who were characterized by bravery. OR Remarkable figures, who were characterized as brave, intelligent or persistent . . . Figures is the word here that everything else has to agree with.


owed much to their ability


simply human beings.


the American Revolution


he is worthy of this praise OR he is worthy of these praises for . . .

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

Love it! My writing can be so technical while yours is so imaginative. I love see what you do.

Undergraduate / Need help on my admissions essay - Art Institute, San Francisco [14]

It is very endearing! I smiled the whole time I was reading it.

Undergraduate / I chose to write about my orchestra experience playing the violin - CommonApp activities essay [11]

Very nice! It has a much better feel to it now. I like the way that you touched on the teamwork and dedication aspects of being in an orchestra.

I'd make one teeny tiny change that is more of a style issue . . .


Because you already have a comma betweenOrlando and Florida, the comma joining the last part of the sentence gets lost. You could write is as: . . . Orlando, Florida; all of our . . . or Split it into two sentences: . . . Orlando, Florida. All of our hard . . .

Undergraduate / "BALLS UP," his voice echoes through my ear canals ; Essay on tennis [6]

Not necessarily add to the paragraph, but establish a little clearer of a timeline. I understand that you were new at the game as a freshman and morphed into an accomplished player, but I feel like the chronology isn't quite there. I really thought that you were not going to make the cut your senior year, but you were going to show perseverance and dedication by still participating with the team in the role of manager. That impression probably came from seeing the dedication to the sport, but not feeling the progression of ability.

Let me see if I can explain what I mean a little better . . .

1st paragraph: You are new to tennis, you suck, and you feel discouraged. Luckily this is a no-cut sport.

2nd paragraph: You are determined to learn the game even though you never play a match your freshman year. As a sophomore, you make the team.

3rd paragraph: Tennis consumes your life. You think about it nonstop. Playing with an older/more accomplished player betters your game.

4th paragraph: You emerge from your shell as a beginner and become a role model to the rest of your teammates. Your coach is the best and you listen to everything he has to say. You qualify for the Greater Middlesex Championship even.

5th paragraph: You are fighting for a spot on varsity. Whoa! I thought you went to the championships and were a role model now. Are you still that emergent beginner with fragile potential or someone who is so passionate about the game that dinners go uneaten.

Speeches / Introductory speech about myself, my family, my job [16]

This thread should come with a warning! I just about spewed my Coke all over my computer. It will take me a while to shake the image of Big Betsy's toenails.

"It is hard being only eighteen inches tall." "I'll never forget the day I discovered that I have the ability to become invisible at will." "The first time I saved a life, I was only three years old." "I had long suspected that my parents are aliens."

Undergraduate / "BALLS UP," his voice echoes through my ear canals ; Essay on tennis [6]

You have a nice writing style and some very vivid imagery here. I'd like to see a little more of a progression. I feel a little lost in the timeline because it bounces around. I'd rather see you start as clumsy and insecure and then morph into someone who is confident and accomplished.

A couple other small notes . . .


This isn't bad. This isn't wrong. I personally didn't like the imagery though. With his voice echoing through your ear canals, I picture that space between your ears as being cavernous and vacuous. Not the best mental picture! The juxtaposition of a voice echoing with the more scientific description of an ear canal didn't work for me either.


Now this was another mental picture that I didn't want. It would be better to write something about your potential for growth under his tutelage rather than potential for growth under him.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

No need to apologize! You were just along for the ride. It wasn't even that bumpy of a ride. We were discussing to what level and in what circumstances a person should divulge personal beliefs in a college-application essay. It is a discussion that is relevant to the forums and did not stray into personal attacks or hurt feelings.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

I am with Simone on this one . . . I think it is fine to mention your faith, but I would tone it down just a bit and not divulge too much about your affiliation with your semantics.


You could even rephrase this to something like: This hardship has strengthened my faith and brought me closer to God (or Christ . . . Christ isn't as encompassing, but the phrasing doesn't align you with a particular belief system other than mainstream Christianity). That way you would still be able to acknowledge God for His part in your healing without possibly alienating someone with a different set of beliefs.

When using a pronoun that refers to God the Father, Christ, or the Holy Spirit, capitalize that pronoun. Without Him it would have been . . .

Please understand that I am not judging you on your faith. Unless your faith will make a big difference in the kind of student you will be, you don't want admission officers judging you on your faith either (just like you wouldn't want them judging you on political beliefs or sexual orientation).

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]


I don't see it as being inconceivable at all. There are 13 members of the Senate and 32 Congressional Representatives who are Jewish. This is a high percentage considering that the Jewish population in the United States is less than 2%. I don't see it inconceivable at all that one of these high-powered politicians could be nominated and/or elected on the Presidential ticket.

And then there is history. One could argue that we have already had Presidents who were non-Christians. Jefferson most often defined himself as a Unitarian in his lifetime, but he embraced enlightenment ideals and could most closely be described as a Deist. You could not strictly call TJ a Christian. In "The Jefferson Bible" (or more accurately, "The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth"), he omitted all references to Christ as divine. Washington and Lincoln held strong Deist beliefs as well (although Washington made more of a show of church attendance). Unitarianism, by its tenets, falls outside of traditional Christian beliefs because of their views on the Trinity. One could claim that Unitarians are non-Christians as well. We've had several Presidents who were Unitarians including John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Millard Fillmore, and Taft.

True, we have not had a President who has identified himself as Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, or Hindu (or agnostic for that matter, although Andrew Johnson came close), but I don't see it as inconceivable for our future. We have not had a woman as President yet, but I don't see that as inconceivable either. We have probably already had a homosexual President (Buchanan).

Back to the subject at hand . . . I think it is okay to make passing mention of your religious affiliation in a college-application essay, after all, it is a very important part of life for a lot of people. But I also think that it has potential to work against people when emphasizing their relationship with "my Lord and savior that is Jesus Christ." The phrasing here sounds very Southern Baptist to me. The author may or may not be Southern Baptist or even a non-denominational evangelical Christian, but I'd put money on one or the other. In my opinion, it is a little too much information for a college-application essay. While generally describing yourself as Christian in the United States does not bring on discrimination, closely identifying yourself with any given denomination/belief sect can. Catholics have faced great discrimination in our history (the KKK especially held a strong anti-Catholic stance) as have Jehovah's Witnesses and members of the LDS church (all of which have made a strong show in Presidential-level politics, btw). You never know who will be reading your application essay (unless you are applying at a church-affiliated school) and the advised route would be to tone down religious references (I can't seem to get away from parenthetical commentary).

When would it be appropriate to state religious affiliation? Obviously when applying to a church-run school. Even when applying for a Jesuit university as a non-Catholic, I would think it would be more than appropriate to bare your religious leanings. Being in a religious minority (as long as it wasn't Paganism, but that is a different ball of wax) would probably work to one's advantage as most universities embrace diversity. But . . . it is an area that can be sensitive (like stating one's sexual preference or political leanings) and should be dealt with carefully in college essays.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate essay help ("living on campus") [6]

Yeah, the German lover might throw people off. There is Germanophile, but it doesn't have the same flow as Francophile or Anglophile. It looks more like a made-up word to me (Hmmmm . . . my spellchecker recognizes Anglophile, but not the other two).

I agree with Simone's suggestion to lighten up on the flaws. I was thinking you sounded like just the kind of guy I'd like to room with as we have a lot in common. Okay, so I would be happy to eat Ramen noodles every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I want to major in history or political science, I am a good Catholic boy and I play guitar--bass mostly (are you more of a Kirk Hammett or Dave Mustaine fan?). My name is Eric, but everyone (except for my family) calls me by my last name . . . Noto. I don't have the same affinity for all things Germanic, but I have been pestering my parents to start the paperwork for dual Italian citizenship. But then I got to the descriptive portion of your essay. I am not a neat-freak by any stretch of the imagination, but someone has got to throw away the moldy pizza and I wouldn't want it to always be me, *grin* This part of the essay might be a little too descriptive.

Drop the "I'm thinking Fouts." The sentence and sentiment is fine, but that particular phrase gets lost in translation from commercial to the written essay.

You might be able to end it by reiterating the positive qualities that you have already provided examples for . . . just say something like, I am easy-going, eager-to-please, and helpful.

Undergraduate / "valuable traits", "photographer" - Need help on revising two application essays [19]

Prompt One:

Unless you are applying for a Christian university, I'd tone down the religious references. I read somewhere that it is fine to mention faith once, but not more than that.

What other impacts did Lyme disease have? Did it bring you and your sisters closer together? Is there a way to segue between the Lyme disease and photography? I feel like the photography piece comes at me quickly and a bit out of the blue.

There a few grammar issues with missing commas and sentence fragments, but I'll either let others tackle those or come back to them later.