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Posts by astrum72
Name: Stephanie
Joined: Dec 27, 2016
Last Post: Dec 29, 2016
Threads: 2
Posts: 8  
From: United States
School: Coronado

Displayed posts: 10
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astrum72   
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Learning Spanish through another lens - a cultural immersion (Dartmouth Supplement) [4]

I really like this essay, especially the tourist metaphor you bring in. If you could somehow bring that in earlier instead of the last paragraph, i think it would be better. Especially in the first paragraph so you can contrast that with your new experience. You could also change, "It felt good to experience something different" into something about an adventure so it leads into the next paragraph.
astrum72   
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Breaking political apathy (princeton supplement) [3]

"One of the great challenges of our time is that the disparities we face today have more complex causes and point less straightforwardly to solutions." Omar Wasow, Assistant Professor, Politics; Co-Founder, Blackplanet. This quote is taken from Professor Wasow January 2014 speech at the Martin Luther King Day celebration at Princeton University.

Youth Power of Change through Politics



Politics is total war, affecting both politicians and citizens alike, leading me to wage war against political apathy, against unintentional or intentional avoidance to the political process, a problem seen nationwide.

This problems does not have simple a solution. We strive to address the problem of youth apathy in an organization called WE(fillintheblank), a student-led group dedicated to engaging the youth in politics. In this organization, I learned about low voter turnout rates in our city after an all time low turnout of 3% for a county judge election. This number terrified me: only 3% of an entire population was making a decision that impacted everyone in the city.

We were invited to Texas Tribune Fest in Austin, Texas, where we listened to and interacted with influential political figures such as Ted Cruz and Wendy Davis. At a panel, we asked an elected official how the youth should get involved in politics. In response, he told us to focus on developing our skills and worry about politics later. This reaffirmed our concerns, inspiring us to work harder. How could students told to not worry about politics at age 17 be expected to make decisions that impacted the nation at age 18? If even those involved in politics didn't believe in the power of the youth, this reflected a problem with the culture, which I desired to change. My desire to find a solution is heightened by my previous adversarial relationship with politics. I was a part of the problem: Politics were an unknown unknown, and I was apprehensive and fearful about attacking such a big subject.

Within my first month in the organization, we hosted a district attorney debate. Embarrassingly realizing I didn't even know what a district attorney did, I tried to research the candidates, look at their qualifications, their stances on topics. Yet there was no information. How could the youth be expected to involve themselves when there was a lack of information available even to those who were searching? As a result of my personal difficulties regarding politics, I became interested in social media. It would be easier to reach the youth if politics were explained through a relatable medium. I posted reminders about dates, urged people to attend the events. #mancrushmonday celebrated the accomplishments of our representative Beto O'rourke, #triviatuesday was reserved for political trivia, #womancrushwednesday was information on our county judge Veronica Escobar. Our twitter was used to live tweet debates, encouraging students to engage in discussion online. After becoming editor of our newsletter distributed to every high school student at our school, I put in dates about upcoming elections, put blurbs about the positions that candidates were running for, highlighted important members in the community. This was information that I had lacked, which had made the political process so difficult to involve in.

However, there was difficulty converting "likes" into actual attendance for events, no way to ensure the facts I posted actually reached and inspired a population. Social media made the rational idea of politics into an emotional entity, and this was necessary in order to attract attention.

Through work with Senator Jose Rodriguez, we looked at new projects such as the Student Voter Initiative, where members of the team visited high schools with a presentation on the importance of voting and registered eligible students to vote. We raised numbers of registered voters, but there seemed no way to ensure that they actually went to the polls. Through politics, the youth hold the power of change, and those unwilling to use this are merely unaware of the potential. Making them aware proves to be a difficult problem however, and although I have tried to find a solution through media, my shortcomings in this process have led me to desire to continue the pursuit of the solution, reiterating the idea that students are more than just students; they are leaders of their community and catalysts for change.
astrum72   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Learning Spanish through another lens - a cultural immersion (Dartmouth Supplement) [4]

I was thinking somewhere after the 2nd sentence in the first paragraph. Maybe say something about how you were unable to immerse yourself in the culture, or how you weren't able to explore the culture behind the conjugations. Maybe you could also say you were a tourist without a guide, or a tourist in all the wrong places.

If you have time, could you also look at mine? Thanks!
astrum72   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / AN HOMELESS PERSON INFLUENCED ME. PRINCETON ESSAY [5]

I like the overall idea of the essay, but some things are awkward. For example,

My enthusiasm for computers grew when I LEARNED more about computers and technology, and his father was EXCITED/GLAD/OVERJOYED to seeMY PASSION about computers. HE started teaching me everything he know about computers.
astrum72   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Alumnae interactions and exceptional faculty- Wellesley supplement [3]

I like the idea of this essay, I can see why you want to attend the school! I think that you should change
"Wellesley consists of only undergraduate students, so the faculty consists of accomplished instructors whose primary focus is teaching" because graduate students would also require accomplished, specialized professors.

Also, if you say, " At Wellesley, students are taught by the most qualified individuals" then the right pronoun would be "their."

I really like the last 2 sentences of the essay!!
Could you please look at mine as well? Thanks!
astrum72   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / My two homes: one in South Dakota, another in Texas - Brown supplement [4]

Tell us where you have lived - and for how long - since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same place, or perhaps in a variety of places. (100 word limit)

Home has been two places for me: Rapid City, South Dakota for ten years and El Paso, Texas for seven. Both have offered opportunities to build my identity. As a Korean immigrant, I have learned the importance of preserving my own culture against a seemingly set status quo through participating in powwows every summer in Rapid City and learning to celebrate Dia De Los Muertos with more fervor than I do Halloween in El Paso. These places have emphasized the importance of broadening my perspective through exposure to other cultures, leading to a higher understanding of the my own background.
astrum72   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / Music and Brainpower- Stanford Intellectual [5]

I like how you combine music and scientific exploration! I think your last paragraph is fine.
I do think it would be better if you would use present tense at the end though, so you can show progression and show how you have changed since you have realized your interest in scientific exploration.

Also,
The knowledge I gained from that experience REFORMED my casual approach to practice

I would really appreciate it if you would help with mine as well!
astrum72   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / YALE SHORT ANSWERS - THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE I LEARNED. [3]

I like the overall idea of your essays. I don't think you should mention Yale's financial aid because it is not something that is really unique that the university.

Also,
When I see a piano, I see ONLY A bunch of keys and a box of wood but when Beethoven saw it, IT made sense that he can just play. WHEN IT COMES TO COMPUTRES,I can just play.
astrum72   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / 'The right answer' - UChicago Immersion Essay - Rewarding Experience [3]

I really like these supplements, they tell why you want to go to UChicago based on your interests!
I think for the 2nd one, you should spend less time setting up the environment with DeAndre, I don't think you need some lines like "His long fingers elegantly glided the pencil across the page" It would be more interesting if you talk about the struggles that came with tutoring him.

For the last one, I think it would be a more intriguing if you talk more about WHY you want to know about your dad's history, answering the " Why would you want to know this" part of the prompt.

I think these are great though, good luck!!
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