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Posts by forsil
Name: Sil
Joined: May 5, 2018
Last Post: May 13, 2018
Threads: 3
Posts: 4  
From: Italy

Displayed posts: 7
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forsil   
May 5, 2018
Graduate / MSc Sports Technology in Germany - My motivation for this pursuing this degree [4]

Hi Elecktric,

I am new on the forum, I'll try to answer to some of your question:

"-Should I add, develop further, or remove any information?"
All in all, I think it is a very good essay, I don't think you should remove any information, maybe you can develop further more your "medium-term professional goals". For example it's not clear to me how do you see yourself professionally in 3-5 years after the MSc: you say that "I will acquire the skills necessary to provide future patients and athletes [..]", this means that you do you see yourself as a sportive medical technician? Maybe you should state it more directly.

I wrote 'the' German Sport Uni
It sounds to me better without "the" - not sure about that

"Do all letters of motivation need a salutation and closing"
I've looked at some motivational essay for MBA programs (for which I would like to apply) and they are organised in a very similar way to your essay

I hope I was helpful

S
forsil   
May 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / Show reasons why young people should not leave school before the age of 18 [2]

Hi trifecta,

is this a Essay for IELTS/TOEFL? If you provide us the purpose it will be easier to help you.

Anyway, some suggestions:

- It seems strange to me to begin with "on the one hand"; you should add an introduction to your essay something like "School obligation is a topic frequently debated [...] some people believe that [...] others claims that [...]

- If it is an TOEFL/IELTS essay it should be divided in paragraphs (ideally 3/4 of which one for introduction and one for conclusion - and in the conclusion you should clearly state your opinion (e.g., I believe that ....)

- More generally sometimes it is not easy to understand how sentences are linked, making difficult the reading

- The are some grammatical error, for example:
teenagers still have not --> still not have
chance --> change
forsil   
May 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / Pollution and countries development - IELTS - Writing Task 2 [4]

development correlation with environmental issues



"Pollution and other environmental problems are resulting from the way that many countries are developing and becoming richer. Some think this cannot be avoided. To what extent do you agree or disagree?" (min 250 world)

In the modern world pollution is a relevant issue that affect both environment and our health. The issue has been largely debated among civilized countries since it is always has been linked to the industrial development. Indeed, some people believe that this is an unavoidable consequence of progress.

On the one hand, it is certainly true that pollution historically increased in countries that have experienced a growth. For instance, the 18th century Industrial Revolution in Europe was remembered not only for the increase of average population income but also for the increase of breathing deseas due to air pollution. Looking at more recent example, China has experienced a double-digit growth in last years but in parallel it has been considered the primary responsible for the ozon hole in the second millenium.

Nevertheless, it is important to not forget what innovation has done for improving the condition of polluted air, water and soil. Indeed, if it is possible now to drive an electric car, to have biodegradable materials or to produce energy with wind it is only thanks to the development in richer countries. Therefore, there are now some countries, such as Norway or Finland, that could be considered among the richest of the world but that register low levels of pollution.

All in all, I believe that even if the past development was always correlated with increasing environmental issues, now it is possible to put in place some actions to this. However, this will be possible only with collaboration among countries already developed and developing countries: the former should made available new technologies to the latter.

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It will be helpful if you could provide some feedback regarding grammar, essay accuracy and coherence, vocabulary variety, etc.

Many thanks,

S
forsil   
May 7, 2018
Writing Feedback / Pollution and countries development - IELTS - Writing Task 2 [4]

Thank you Holt, I have now searched how to structure different typologies of Writing Task 2 in IELTS and it is more clear to me how to respond to "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". I will try as soon as I have time to write down another essay.

Many thanks for your availability.

@so11123
Thank you also for your help
forsil   
May 9, 2018
Writing Feedback / DISCUSS- If living in a country where you have to speak different language can cause social problems [2]

Hi, @Ann777

I'll try to give you some feedback, however consider that I am not an expert or a mother-tongue speaker, I am studying to do the IELTS too, in few months.

that it this will cause ...

the a country ... different countries (repetition of the same world in the same sentence, you could substitute with cultures)

has many advantages rather than it is a problem- making issue (not clear the construction, you could simply say "has more advantages that disadvantages")

... where he/she has to speak --> It is always also my doubt, anyone else in the forum who knows if there is a rule? Should we use "he", "she" or, as Ann has written, "he/she"?

... conflict might be happened happen

... accents differently with frompeople who speak

In addition there are some passage that are not fully clear to me, e.g.,:
- It makes the country active --> Active in doing what?
- It will be dominant and reasonable --> What will be dominant and reasonable?
- some people argue that living in a country where they ... --> It is difficult to follow the flow of the sentence. I would have written something as "... in a country in which they have to speak a new language has made them subject to social problems such as discrimination, considered like a soft aggression." --> Again do not take my suggestion as 100% correct, it could contain some mistakes too

Hope it will be helpful, good luck with the study ;)
forsil   
May 12, 2018
Writing Feedback / Passengers on London Underground per hour, from 6 a.m to 10 p.m. - IELTS Task 1 [2]

The graph shows Underground Station passenger numbers in London.



Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My answer:

The graphs shows the number of passengers in the London Underground Station per hour, from 6 a.m to 10 p.m. It is easy to see that there is quite e great variability of passengers' flows.

During the day, there are two peak of affluency, at 8 a.m and at 6 p.m, where the number of passengers is around 400 per hour. On the opposite side, it is possible to identify the lowest levels, with only 100 passengers, at the beginning of the underground service at 6 a.m and at 4 p.m. Moreover, looking at central hours of the day, from 9 a.m to 3 p.m, the numbers of passenger fluctuates between 200 and 300. Finally in the evening, after 8 p.m, flows are stable between 100 and 150.

To sum up, the number of passengers at the London Underground Station varies, on average, during the opening hours, from 100 to 400, with some peakes related to office-hours.



  • IELTS_writing_task_2.jpg
forsil   
May 13, 2018
Writing Feedback / Could taxation decrease fast food consumption? - IELTS - Writing Task 2 [2]

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

higher taxes on fast foods?



In the Western World, the percentage of diseas caused by unhealthy food habits is constantly increasing. The development of fast food chains has worstened the situation, creating the need for governments to do something to solve the issue. Some people, for instance, believe that an increase in taxes for this type of food will help. However, I do not agree since there will be a scarce impact on fast food consumption.

Firstly, it is necessary to analyse and identify which are the drivers that influence the choice between healthy food and fast food. For example, people often prefer to eat fast food to save time and not to save money. Consequently, an increase in price would not affect their choice. Instead, if people could find restaurants selling healthy food, such as vegetables and fruit salads, ready-to-eat and available for take-away, they would prefer this kind of food rather than hamburgers and fried chips.

Secondly, an higher taxation on fast food would be perceived by only a small portion of population. A full lunch at McDonald, for example, costs around 8 euros in Europe and even if the government will increase the price of 20%, it will cost less than 10 euros. Also people with a low income will consider this price as affordable and in any case cheaper than the usual price for a lunch.

To sum up, I do not believe that an higher taxation on fast food will help governments in decrease disease due to the scarce impact that the change in price would have on people's nutritional decisions.

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It would be helpful if you could give me some advice on this essay
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