Unanswered [9] / Urgent [2] / SERVICES
  

Writing Feedback   Posts: 2

Show reasons why young people should not leave school before the age of 18


trifecta 1 / -  
May 6, 2018   #1

everyone should stay at school until 18. Agree?



On the one hand, there are some reasons why young people should not leave school before the age of 18. First, they might be armed with sufficient knowledge and necessary qualifications. For example, those who have not graduated high school yet and want to find a job offering a high salary whose chances would be less than those who had graduated tertiary education, let alone those having a bachelor degree. Therefore owning a high school's degree would help young people have some advantages in the job market being increasingly competitive. Second, at the of under 18, teenagers still have not a particular plan for their future, so leaving school too early will affect their job prospects. For instance, when some youngsters drop out school to pursue their favorite job, there is no guarantee that their preferences would not chance after one or two years later. Thus, decisions which could affect the future of youngsters should be instructed and consulted by their teachers, especially in the period of high school years.

forsil 3 / 7 5  
May 6, 2018   #2
Hi trifecta,

is this a Essay for IELTS/TOEFL? If you provide us the purpose it will be easier to help you.

Anyway, some suggestions:

- It seems strange to me to begin with "on the one hand"; you should add an introduction to your essay something like "School obligation is a topic frequently debated [...] some people believe that [...] others claims that [...]

- If it is an TOEFL/IELTS essay it should be divided in paragraphs (ideally 3/4 of which one for introduction and one for conclusion - and in the conclusion you should clearly state your opinion (e.g., I believe that ....)

- More generally sometimes it is not easy to understand how sentences are linked, making difficult the reading

- The are some grammatical error, for example:
teenagers still have not --> still not have
chance --> change


Home / Writing Feedback / Show reasons why young people should not leave school before the age of 18