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Posts by Lily Potter
Name: Nur Laily
Joined: Dec 26, 2018
Last Post: Dec 30, 2018
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 7
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Lily Potter   
Dec 26, 2018
Writing Feedback / Keep healthy by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than a healthy lifestyle [NEW]

to be fit or to have health issues?



These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


In this era, only minority people follow a healthy lifestyle in order to keep their body fit while most of them more rely on the doctor persuaded and medicine. This Essay agrees with this statement.

Most of people prefer making consultation to the doctor and consuming vitamin, supplement and herbal medicine to maintain their health instead of following a healthy behavior. They think this is the simple way to keep in fit in the busy daily. They tend to believe that they do not have more time to do exercise or cook the healthy food. For example, a recent Harvard University study, in 2013, found that 59% of employees in London have personal consultation to their doctor about their health. Those consultations encourage them often to take a vitamin or supplement in order to keep their physical performance in workplace. 50% of them believe that by taking this medicine they feel fresh even though without doing sport. Again, they feel free to consume junk food.

Another case happen in smokers, most of people who suffer from particular illness because of smoking prefer to take a medicine rather than change their behavior. For instance, based on the research of Indonesia University, in 2004, 65% of Indonesian Smoker suffer from hearth attack, 80% of them should check up every month to the hospital. Surprisingly, they do not stop to smoke and hard to leave their behavior. If they cannot move on from smoking they will be more risky to attack particular illness.

In conclusion, today, more people coming to doctor and taking medicine to keep their healthy and only a few of them do a healthy behavior. This is proven by the evidence in the field that a lot of people choose come to the hospital to check up.
Lily Potter   
Dec 26, 2018
Writing Feedback / Vehicle-free days in an urban center : do the advantages outweigh disadvantages? - IELTS task 2 [4]

Public transportations ... are advised.

Vehicle-free days ... are now observed in many cities ...

I think "advised" has different meaning with "observed", you may use "suggest"

If I were you I will use this sentence as paraphrasing the statement

Some cities more suggest to use public transportation and they have car-free day where the private vehicle is forbidden to pass in the down town.
Lily Potter   
Dec 27, 2018
Writing Feedback / PROTECTION WILDLIFE POPULATION - What can we do to help? [3]

Hi.. this is the great essay ...

Let me show my paraphrase in the same question.

In the last fifty years, more or less fifty percent of the worldwide wildlife population has declined based on recent public figures
Lily Potter   
Dec 27, 2018
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - task 2 writing - the independent one - foreign language. [4]

Hi, this is a great essay. You are able to deliver your idea with good vocabulary, but I detect some grammar issues, let me show you:

As everything in life is ... I think it is better we delete "as" in this sentence.

... in that, there are ...

... children don't do not have the ... school. But, but ... lack of coherence ...
-We cannot write don't in formal academic essay, change to be "do not".
-Better make those two sentences became one sentences, so your sentence transforms to be compound sentence.

In my humble opinions, Young students must ...
-Better you delete this phrase because this is speaking phrase I think, you may use this essay believes

So, as she ...
-We cannot put So in the beginning of sentence, you may use therefore, hence or as a result.
Lily Potter   
Dec 27, 2018
Writing Feedback / GLOBAL HYBRID VEHICLE SALES during 4 years (from 2006 until 2009) [3]

popularity of hybrid transportation among customers


IELTS WRITING TASK 1

The bar chart illustrates the sales of the global hybrid transportation in 3 different countries during 4 years, 2006-2009.

Overall, United State stand as the highest of the number of sales, following by Japan and other countries and the trend sales of Japan and other countries was upward, while United Stated showed fluctuated.

Standing as the highest, United State, In 2007 reached 350.000 sales of hybrid vehicle, while Japan and other countries stayed in below of 100.000. However, in 2009 sales in Japan increased significantly to 330.000 sales and other countries rise sharply up to 110.000, while United States sales decrease to 270.000 sales.

Customers in United Stated tend to allocate their budget to another necessity starting in 2007. This is can be seen the sales of transportation were not steady. United Sales trend was fluctuated, in 2006, the sales was 250.000 and reaching the highest sales was compared to the others then the sales increased in 2007, but declining in 2008 and staying in 280.000. The number of sales of Japan and other nation increased between 2006 and 2009 which, Japan as always higher.

(185 words)



  • WT1_Global_Hybrid_Ve.jpg
Lily Potter   
Dec 30, 2018
Writing Feedback / In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. [4]

Hi, @thaonghiem,

I love your idea and how the way you deliver it, but I find several grammar issues and I want to give you suggestion about the pattern. Hopefully, it will be useful to improve your writing.

This is we call introduction :
... However, hunger still to haunt ... and the number of people living in poverty ... do not give the new idea outside of question. This essay will mention some major ...mention what you will discuss in body 1 and body 2 (your own idea about the caution and the solution).

In introduction, you can paraphrase the question and mention your idea, so it will essay to the writer to read your essay. This is the example by revising your sentences:

Recently, the breakthroughs of the farming increase, however many people over the world are still dying of famine. The increasing of standard lives and the climate change are the main reason of this phenomenon and the most viable solution to cope it are government should take an action to provide food with reasonable price and the developed nations should be willing to give their hand to help the suffered nation. I write this sentence from your idea that you write in paragraph 2 and 3.

famine : (a situation in which there is not enough food for a great number of people, causing illness and death, or a particular period when this happens), you can use this vocabulary to paraphrase people go hunger

As a result, if the food does are not be provided in ...

Thank you
Keep writing, fighting
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