Posts by potatowee

potatowee

Feb 24, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Taking a university degree is no longer as a determinant of a person's success [4]

My first impression from this essay was that it is somehow rather ambiguous to understand what your are going to talk about, which can be related to your use of grammar and lexicology. When I looked closer, I can see there were several points that could be hard to understand. For example:

"One thing is more knowledge and understanding in ... For instance, persons interested in psychology could ..."

This makes little sense, because this person in the example is only interested in it. Moreover, you haven't made it clear about the benefits of knowledge acquisition at university, so I suggest trying to write a clearer topic sentence and give relevant examples. Here is my rendition:

A noticeable benefit of studying at university is that the knowledge acquired can be helpful for individual's career prospect and the society as a whole. For example, a person who has interest in psychology can apply their knowledge at school to give advice and suggestion related to the mental well-being of other people, thus bettering their lives off.

Talking about the coherence and cohesion, since there has been some misinterpreted points, it means your coherence is not strong enough and therefore, minimizing your score.

However, a good point is that your vocabulary and grammar is sufficient enough, since I can see some advanced words such as "undergraduate, establish, pursue, etc." There is a sense of naturalness in your use of lexicons and I really appreciate it. Well done!

potatowee

Feb 24, 2020

Writing Feedback / Spoken communication is more powerful than written communication. To what extent do you agree? [3]

Talking about Task Achievement, this essay is generally clear enough to understand what you were trying to say. However, there are some parts that you need to pay more attention to, such as:

First of all, don't say there is no doubt because it is a way to overgeneralize ideas, so try to use some phrases such as "It is understandable/stands to reason/etc.". Secondly, the point is too long to understand, because you are trying to write it in oral language, not written language. Therefore, I suggest this fix:

It is understandable that talking is the main mode of communication in daily converstations, as the speech is usually brief in information and efficient in conveying basic ideas. Moreover, it can also infer to the speaker's attitudes and give hints in important circumstances through emotion, such as in business meeting, where it is important to emphasize key information to clear confusion among employees or business partners

About the grammar, you have attempted to use complex sentences, but there can be some errors. Even more, I can notice some troublesome use of punctuation, which is definitely going to undermine your score. For example:

[...].however (However, remember the capitilzation at the beginning of a sentence) the stories 's contents... of speaker ,(in which circumstance) ~~the circumstances~~ ~~that~~ a news ~~which~~ is changed totally and ~~report~~ reporting an ... Because of that reason (remember the colon after this) oral information ...

Nevertheless, the vocabulary is complex enough to convey basic ideas.

And, be careful of this mistake:

"them speeches can inspire and ..."

Before "them", there is a colon and it is in a sentence, so basically this is a clause, which means it is possible to use relative clause here. "speeches" is also a noun so you cannot use "them" before it, you must use a possessive adjective (their). So, you can rewrite it into:

"whose (this denotes the speaker in the previous clause) speeches can inspire and make audiences believe at that time"

Good job! Keep on writing and improving!

potatowee

Feb 28, 2020

Faq, Help / Why are some people getting suspended? [44]

I have my account suspended and the reason is "meaningless title". It is really weird since my first title was changed right after I posted my essay. I need some explanations of the word "meaningful title" here because I am not sure if title like "IELTS Writing Task 1. Help me to check it" is meaningless or not. Click on the "more info" link before you start a new thread.

potatowee

Feb 28, 2020

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: environment, energy, ecology [4]

The first thing you should do is to make clear of your stance. When you write something like "I fully agree with this stance by presenting several acceptable reasons", you should show us which statement you agree on, which you didn't write so unfortunately, I think you may have failed the prompt here. The phrase "several acceptable reasons" is pretty redundant because you are writing this to convince so it is not neccessary here.

I think that your essay also contains erroneous use of word formation and spelling, such as:

Due to industrial development and the uncontrolled exploitation of people, it could harmful (harmful is an adjective, not a verb) to the ecosystem and deplete natural resources, therefore, it created a large number of disasters, such as drought, global warming, air pollution.

And because this sentence is long and hard to understand so I think you can shorten it. Here is my fix:

Due to the ever-increasing pace of industrial development,fossil fuels may pose a threat to the ecosystem and subsequently resulting in future depletion. (But in all seriousness, you didn't show any relevant examples here: drought or global warming are not the consequences caused by fossil fuels here.

So, I think that you should dig deeper in the topic. It is true that fast industrial growth caused more need for energy and resources may be run out due to this. Some of the examples can be the lack of energy used for running vehicles or machines in the future (some motors cannot be operated without oil right?).

Also, if you "fully agree" with the prompt, shouldn't it be strange if you actually tried to concede the opposite argument? For example:

That is not to say that we should not use fossil fuels completely.

So in short, just write 2 paragraphs supporting your position and that's done. Don't add any unnecessary stance here.

potatowee

Feb 29, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - What can people do to discourage increasing car ownership in big cities? [5]

Hi. This is my essay for the prompt about car ownership in big cities. It would be grateful to hear your comments and feedbacks since I am studying for the IELTS exam and my desirable writing band score is 7.5 (which I think is ambitious). Thank you :)

CAR OWNERSHIP IS PROBLEMATIC

Prompt:
Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jam'. How true do you think this statement is? What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?

My answer:
The fact that many people today can afford a car for commutation and travelling has raised concerns about traffic congestion in urban areas. From my perspective, I totally agree with this and believe there are several measurements for tackling the issue.

Economic progress in some developing countries, such as Vietnam, is arguably the main reason why the car ownership in big cities is increasing. In the last 10 years, many families in Vietnam have been able to purchase an expensive private vehicle like car, whereas most households in the past relied heavily on the use of a cheaper mode of transportation, such as motorbike. Furthermore, it is easy to understand that travelling by car brings about more convenience and privacy for drivers than motorbikes or public transportation, which have a notoriety for social crimes such as public harassment or daylight pickpocketing. There is also another explanation for the increase of car ownership. For example, the increasing rate of urbanization has eventually led to the development of infrastructure in big cities, allowing thus creating more space for car.

Since this has in turn resulted in a plethora of road problems, such as traffic jam, it is necessary for the government and individuals to take actions. One solution proposed by the authorities in Hanoi is to impose heavy fees on reckless driving behaviours and increase the registration fees for license, which may discourage people to buy car for personal purposes. In addition, some cities in the world, such as Seoul, have been popular for their solid public transportation system, reducing number of private vehicles on the road and avoiding traffic jam. On a smaller scale, people should acknowledge the problematic use from car and educate themselves to switch to other public means of transportation or bicycles.

In conclusion, the number of car in cities is increasing because of economic development, privacy and urbanization. However, this is also associated with high volume of traffic, and therefore, imperative measurements should be taken as soon as possible to deal with the issue.

potatowee

Feb 29, 2020

Writing Feedback / Should governments spend more for construction of railways instead of roads for cars? [3]

Hi. I think that you have clearly introduced your position in the first paragraph, but there are some problems related to your use of words, which made the sentences quite complicating to understand. I also think that for now, it is fine to use some templates for writing the introduction but in general, I think it can be quite disadvantageous when you progress further so maybe try to produce your own version next time :).

Looking further, I find it hard to understand the first point, which is "railways is much safer and steadier than cars". You mentioned "unpredictable disaster" here and this means it is not that safe to be called "much safer", unless the number of railway accidents is much lower than cars. Therefore, I can say this idea has been overgeneralized and should be revised. Your second argument is not strong either, since you overgeneralize again by saying "Most of railways stations are located around city center ...". Can you take some real examples, like some cities in the world? I think you can say that in Japan, train stations are usually located near city center or at important road conjunction, which I think will make more sense :) And when you take example, try to use statement rather than prediction like "people might, they might", because that means your example is strong enough to evaluate the strength of your argument.

I also believe that there are several problems related to your use of grammar. For example:

Railways owns itself departure and arrival schedule (this is a clause, and if you write "except" after it without any clause, that means it is a full sentence), except (wrong use of "except")unpredictable disaster occur, generally, it would transport people to the place where they want to go (redundant) on time.

My fix would be:

Trains are operated based on fixed departure and arrival schedule. Unless unpredictable disasters occur, they would transport people to their desired destination

potatowee

Feb 29, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - What can people do to discourage increasing car ownership in big cities? [5]

Thanks @xtunx. Here is my revised essay:

potatowee

Feb 29, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - What can people do to discourage increasing car ownership in big cities? [5]

@Holt
Thanks for your feedbacks. I promise to be humble in the future. I got my suspension once and was lucky to retrieve my account. However, I still want to know my score because I want to know my current level (so that I won't bad-mouth again) and I am also self-studying to prepare for the exam as well. I am really sorry if I had offended anyone before and I promise I would never do that again. This has been a real blow to me.

potatowee

Mar 1, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Old buildings or new buildings? [4]

Hi. Here is my essay for the topic of preserving old buildings. It was really nice to receive feedbacks and responses from you in the previous essay. Here is the prompt.

Prompt: It is too expensive to look after and repair old buildings. This money should be spent on building modern buildings instead.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I DISAGREE AND I THINK OLD BUILDINGS ARE SO IMPORTANT THAT WE SHOULD PRESERVE THEM

It can cost a great amount of money to renovate and restore antique buildings. Therefore, people believe that there should be more emphasis on the construction of new buildings. From my personal perspective, I totally disagree with this opinion and will give my reasons below.

Many old buildings are considered as the world's historical attractions, which make great contributions to the tourism industry of the economy. That is why it can be inferred that the destruction of these buildings can be equivalent to a hard blow in the industry. Taj Mahal - an ancient castle built in India is a clear example for this claim. It is widely known as a mausoleum and praised by the UNESCO as a heritage site that needs protection. Due to the timeless beauty and historical importance this building attaches, it has attracted thousands of tourists from all over the globe every year and contributed greatly as India's national treasure. Thus, the loss of this wonder means a significant damage to the economy in India, proving that old buildings can play an important role in the tourism industry.

In other case, ancient buildings can signify great sentimental values; the irreplaceable charm that modern houses cannot be compared to. This emotion, such as patriotism, can stem from the significance that these buildings have. In Vietnam, the house on 48 Hang Ngang Street brings national pride, as it is the place where our first president wrote the "Declaration of Independence", thus ending years of slavery and opening a new era of liberty in the country. Throughout time, this house has turned into a small museum, where a handful of important historical documents from the time of war are preserved.

In conclusion, I disagree that there should be more attention to modern buildings, because old buildings can also contribute significantly to the economy and reminisce great memories of the past.

potatowee

Mar 1, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Old buildings or new buildings? [4]

@Holt Thank you so much for your feedbacks. I still have some questions regarding to the essay. Can I email you personally?

potatowee

Mar 3, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - All countries should produce their own food or not? [3]

Hi there. This is my essay for the topic of food production :)

Prompt: Countries should try to produce all the food for the population and imports as little food as possible. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I DISAGREE WITH THIS TO A LARGE SCALE

My answer:
Due to the recent development in food industry worldwide, many people argue that countries should push their domestic food industry and import fewer food products from foreign countries. However, I am not in favour with this idea to a large degree.

It is understandable that not every countries can have the ingredients available to produce particular food for their population due to differences of climate conditions. For instance, farmers in countries with perennially cold weather can encounter great difficulties in cultivating crops and producing food such as rice. This is why the government are reluctant to import rice products from countries where the weather patterns are compatible for agricultural development. As a result, this helps to meet the demand for agricultural products and increase food security.

Nevertheless, there is a belief that food imported from foreign countries is not guaranteed in terms of safety and standards, which I think is not a reason why countries must switch to producing their own food. This situation can be tackled with stricter food quality monitoring. When a food product is delivered from an international source, it is imperative for the government to reassure the quality by examining its current condition. In case this product is considered a violation to safety standards, the authorities can immediately put a ban on commercial distribution, thus preventing dangerous food consumption in the public.

In conclusion, I am not an opponent of encouraging countries to produce their own food and restrict imports, as the different climate conditions make it nearly impractical. Although imported products can cause problems related to consumers' health, it can be solved with stronger law enforcement, such as quality examination.

potatowee

Mar 4, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2- LOSS OF BIO-DIVERSITY- CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS [4]

Hello. I think this essay is less than 250 word so you should write more to meet the requirements. There are also some errors related to your use of grammar and vocabulary here. For example:

Firstly, ~~numbers~~ a great number of ... losing their habitat~~ion~~ due to ~~the~~ deforestation and ~~polluting oceans~~ sea pollution

the ~~increase~~ rise of the global ~~climate~~ warming is one of the major causes of ~~unbalance biodiversity~~ loss of biodiversity

I also think that your presentation is not clear in this essay. With the resoning that plants and animals are losing their living spaces due to "deforestation" and pollution at sea, then you should be more specific in the next sentence, such as how deforestation is destroying the habitat of living creatures in the forests or how the pollution in the oceans is killing animals worldwide. Here is my suggestion:

Many species of plants and animals are losing their habitat due to deforestation and sea pollition. Tree destruction can lead to many animals being deprived of the place where they build nests or climb onto. In the underwater world, the disposal of contaminants from industrial activities is likely to release dangerous chemicals into the ocean, making the surrounding water inhabitatable for sea creatures.

[Now, species are losing their home because trees are cut down (deforestation) and people are releasing toxic chemicals from industrial acitivites into the ocean (sea pollution)]

I think that for other parts, you have presented a clearer explanation of the causes and sollutions but there can be some modifications too such as inserting linking words to make the connection between ideas more present for the viewers.

Your conclusion, however, should be added more because it appears that this is a single sentence and it cannot actually make up a full paragraph. I think that 2-3 more sentences would suffice.

potatowee

Mar 4, 2020

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS TENDENCY TO WASTE FOOD [4]

Hello @xtunx, I saw that you gave feedbacks for my essay once so I think I should pay back the debt of gratitude here =))))

I believe that you should refrain from using complicated words to explain the reason and propose sollutions in this essay, because this can make the essay quite difficult to be understood. But for some parts, the use of vocabulary and collocation is faulty, for example:

One of the reasons is that food is more straightforward to afford...

I don't think there is any collocations or fixed phrases that look like that. Instead, it can be simplified into:

One of the reasons for food waste is that food has become more affordable...

Also, in this paragraph, the first reasoning is not sufficiently developed. You said that food has become more affordable recently due to increase of "average income" and "food productivity", but you made no link between this and the waste of food in the recent years. You can further develop this argument by saying that because it is so easy to buy food nowadays, many people has forgot about saving food for rainy days and decide to throw away the leftovers from their meals. Here is my suggestion:

One of the reasons for food waste is that food has become more affordable, which subsequently can lower the awareness of saving food. In an era when average income and food productivity has been raised significantly due to economic development, affording food for the daily need has become less of a burden in families. However, because it is not so difficult to purchase food as in the past, people are likely to ignore saving some for rainy days and develop the habit of disposing food after daily meals. As a result, they have already accumulated a great amount of leftovers, causing the food waste on a global scale.

potatowee

Mar 4, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Population in Australia according to nationalities and living areas [3]

statistics of australian population

Prompt: The table and pie chart give information about population in Australia according to different nationalities and areas

My answer:
The table and pie chart illustrate the proportion of people living in Australia in terms of their origins and location. There are five main nationalities represented in the charts, namely Australian, British, New Zealander, Chinese and Dutch. It is clear that native Australian is responsible for the majority of the population in the country, however making up the least proportion of city dwellers (80%).

The population in Australia is composed of 73% native Australian, followed by which is British with 7%. New Zealander, Chinese and Dutch made up for 3%, 2% and 1% of the population respectively. The rest people living in Australia have an origin from other countries.

Even though Chinese made up less than Australian in terms of population, it stood out as the nationality with the highest percentage of city inhabitants (99%) and also the lowest percentage of people living in countryside area. The proportion of city dwellers from New Zealand is lower than China by 9%, which was higher than Britain by 1%. Conversely, countries such as Australia and Netherlands have a larger share of people accomodating in countryside areas, with 20% and 17% respectively.

Task1.jpg

potatowee

Mar 11, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - MIX CHART women who were poverty-stricken & the poverty ratio in the USA [3]

Hi there. I may have some suggestions for your essay here:
- I think a paragraph is comprised of 3-5 sentences so your paragraphing here may be lacking. You should add more to make a full paragraph. For example, you can add some information in the introduction and the overview. Here is my suggestion:

The pie chart and bar graph illustrates the poverty in the United States in 2008. The chart describes this situation based on the percentage of women in poverty-stricken households, whereas the graph provides a comprehensive classification according to gender and age group. Overall, women in the US had a higher risk of undergoing poverty compared to men, out of which single women bore the greatest burden.

- You are just merely describing the information, not comparing it. There are some ways you can make your description more concise and remain on point at the same time. Here, take this as an example:

"In the pie chart, it is ..."

Instead of recounting all the figures, I think you can use some linking words to make the contrast/similarities more prominent. For example:

In the pie chart, the percentage of single women suffering from poverty is significantly higher than their married counterparts, as they accounted for nearly three fourths of the whole female population in 2008. In comparison, married women with dependent children comprised for roughly 12%, whereas women who got married...

- I think that you can make some of the most prominent figures more present for the viewers here. For example, you can make more comparison regarding women in different age group here. Also, the percentage of poor men in the US appears to diminish when they get older, but this did not happen for women.

potatowee

Mar 14, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Both views: fixed punishment for crime or case by case consideration [6]

Hi. I have some suggestions for your essay =)))):

- I think it would be better if you write each paragraph with 3-5 sentences. Also, I suggest combining the 2 discussion paragraphs here into 1 single paragraph only. By doing so, your presentation would be much clearer and more concise.

- I like your discussion here, something I usually find difficult to present. However, I think you should use some connective devices to make it less troubling to be followed. And if you have used the pronoun "I", then the word "personally" would be redundant

- There is still something that is not sitting right with the fourth paragraph. I will paste it down here:

... and grow up to be good people.

You should replace "good" with other adjectives here. "Good" is general, it does not indicate much. It would be better if you substitute "good" with an adjective describing personality, such as "law-abiding".

I think that's all I want to comment here. In general, I really like your writing here. You have succeeded in doing something that I generally lack =)))))

potatowee

Mar 25, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should museum ask for entrance fee? [2]

Prompt:

Many museums charge for admission while others are free.

Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

My answer:
In many countries, payment of entrance fee is a requisite for admission to museums. As a history fanatic, I suppose this place is for cultural and historical education. Therefore, I believe that asking for a charge here could bring more harm than good.

Understandably, museums need financial support to be fully operational. Businesses usually acknowledge that without a sufficient fund, they would not be able to pay for the renovation, preservation of expensive artefacts or just the employees working there. It is also true that many a time visitors come in groups, they tend to make noise, which can be disruptive to others inside. Because of this, a substantial amount of available budget might be shared for security services, and admission fee might supply that sum of money.

However, this should not be prioritized over the importance that museum attaches to the society. Firstly, it could be discouraging for low-income families to pay the required fee for entrance, and their children might not have access to witnessing history at hand, which might have helped for their education. This further raises the issue related to educational inequality. Moreover, it should be realized that taxpayers money can also suffice for the operation of museums. Later on, this amount can allow businesses to afford and enhance their security services, thus render museums more attractive and pleasing to visitors.

In conclusion, I am convinced that charging for entry to museum is more detrimental than beneficial. In other words, if admission is free of charge, it could somehow bridge the educational disparity. Even though museums might be cut off from a source of financial assistance, they can ask for funding from taxpayers and therefore, use it wisely to attract more visitors.