Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

I think you could take out the line "and the determination to put in 100% effort". Its too lengthy and unnecessary and it sounds somewhat childish. I would remove that line and replace the word passion with dedication if you really wanted to keep the idea.

I'm also not too keen on the intro paragraph, particularly this line :Missing out on any one of them would cause a tremendous inconvenience to my auditory sensors. It just sounds like you crammed as many sophisicated sounding words as you could. Dont use "In short"; its pretty much the same thing as "In conclusion". You can just start your final paragraph without them and it sounds fine.

Overall, i think you repeated yourself a lot throughout the essay. Lots of times, you repeated a certain theme, just in different words. I noticed that you mentioned that joining IBV would help those in foreign nations in a couple different paragraphs when it wasnt necessary.

With my UPENN essay, I focused more on how i could contribute to said community. You did do that but only sporadically imo.

Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

Its ok but it seems crammed. You go on about all these different things and how you can contribute to them but its not really in depth. How does you entering IPBV help the greater penn community? or to your own experience for that matter? do you feel a change in attitude? you didnt really go in depth about it. Plus, stick with talking about music then go on about international communities-you kind of switched back and forth here. Its a decent essay for sure but not the kind UPENN really wants.

Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

I would add more to how you can contribute. You established why they are interesting to you well enough already. For example, establishing a upenn rock band is fine but it isnt really a wow factor. Upenn might already have a myriad of school rock bands already (IDK, im just speculating but do you get my point? it isnt super special that an ivy league school would be like yeah this is a great reason why we shoul take this applicant in). Is there something special about the music you create? Is it culturally different or something? Not too sure about the Upenn Jazz. It seems added in at the last minute but you can keep it.


Well, thats all the revisions I can think of for now until you post your revised essay that is. Also, I hope dont sound too condenscending either. Bear in mind that even if you dont have a OMG WOW Essay, if your still academically qualified, you still have a shot. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Topic of your choice- "Spreading My Branches" [6]

We're applying to the exact same schools! Anyways, I digress. I agree with Skittlerose. Artistole would be a great essay choice because it isnt a very common theme and it is a powerful topic too. Of course, it all depends on how well you write it but given this essay that you wrote, I'm sure you will be able to handle it. I like this essay a lot ; it has a lot of voice and was well written.

Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

I think that the essay is much better than before. Its more focused than before. Could it be better yes. I think taking an academic route to the essay might be better but its his call. As for why he got suspended, I think it was because the title of the posting was very vague.

Undergraduate / Music and International Business communities at Penn - [6]

I think its is MUCH better than the one i helped to revise earlier. And no, one mistake wont kill you; we're all human.

Undergraduate / Williams Supplement "Looking into the bookshop window" [5]

Hmm, your Williams essay is simialar in style to mine. I like it :P. I dont think a transition is necessary; the whole essay meshes well as it is. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement Essay- Carpe Diem [7]

^ it is capitalized.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

What Happens when you delete a thread?

When you delete a thread, will the essay still be available on the internet for people to see; such as if I Google search it and my essay appears even though I had deleted it.