Writing Feedback / My friend recommended me to read "The Great Blue Yonder" [2]

PLZ give some constructive criticism!!! HELP!!!! URGENT!! THANKS!! this is the common app essay!! I'm applying to NYU stern and i wonder if an essay not related to business will hurt me..

Again, I hung up my phone impatiently after another phone call from mom. Mom often complained about how I didn't call home but I was just too busy and tired to call them from boarding school. We had been miles apart for 5 years. I needed some life of my own too.

Then, one day, my friend recommended me to read "The Great Blue Yonder." I was first attracted by the pretty blue cover of the book, and when I read the first captivating lines, "People seem to think it's an easy life when you are dead", I couldn't put the book down anymore. This usual and compelling story narrates what happened to a little boy named Harry after he went to heaven. There was an inner turmoil that was preventing him from going to the "Great Blue Yonder" and later when he returned to the land of the living, he found that the last words he said to his sister were "You'll be sorry I'm dead."

These words struck something within me. Harry's encounters while back at the land of the living really made me ponder deeply about the importance of family and the unpredictability of life. I slowly started to see something I have lost as years passed. I realized why Mom was always saying I had become so detached and aloof that she was afraid of what I would become when I go abroad. I refused to believe what she said but now I saw her point. I WAS getting detached. Memories of the past when our family was tightly bonded together in Singapore flashed through my mind. We used to go out for walks every evening; we used to go to the beach every weekend; we used to have so much fun together. What happened?

Suddenly, I was afraid of what might happen tomorrow. Life is so unpredictable. From moving across China, then to Singapore, then back, I never imagined my life to be so enriching. I have seen and absorbed very different cultures. I suddenly feel very grateful to be given all these chances by my parents that not everyone can have. So much of the time we take things for granted until it's too late to say thanks. Now that we are miles apart, I need to cherish the limited time we are together. I don't want any regrets in my life. I want to live my life to the fullest.

Harry has taught me this important lesson: Love your family, and live every day like it's the last. Then, you will cross the yonder of true happiness and no regrets.

Undergraduate / My schools have been my second homes; UC/ World I come from [4]

PROMPT Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Till this day, I still remember the Youth Day celebration in Grade 7. The excitement and pride of saying goodbye to childhood still burned like a flame when I thought of that day. My school rock band, slamming on electric guitars and drums, sang out the hearts and souls of every teenager present: we were the new generation! It is at school where I feel my heart throbbing together with my schoolmates, where I explore and set out to achieve my dreams and aspirations.

When I was in elementary school, my dream was to be a writer. I remember browsing through rows and rows of books in the school library, then eventually the national library, devouring and digesting all the sweet nutrients from books. Everyday I spent hours in front of my computer, trying to conjure up beautiful works with language.

As I stepped into junior high, I aspired to become an artist. After enrolling in the Art Elective Program at school, art seriously inched into my life as an inseparable part. I dabbed in all sorts of art: from 2D to 3D, from paper to computer, from black and white to swirling colors. I had never felt so much satisfaction when I smiled proudly at my masterpieces.

However, I had to put away my notebooks and palettes when I entered senior high, due to limited resources and time in boarding school, but this was the time when I really matured. I gained social awareness; my perspective was not just my little world anymore. I began to seek answers to some phenomena I did not even bother to know years ago. I began to see the real, big world. Now, I still love writing and drawing, but I have also developed another aspirationï I want to contribute, no matter how small, to the welfare of this world.

For 15 years of my life, from kindergarten to high school,my schools have been my second home. From the wide-eyed and shy girl I was when I first arrived at the front gate of primary school, I have grown up to become a confident, determined and aspiring young adult. I can't put in words how I am grateful for an education; I will just conclude this experience with a famous saying: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." My beginning stepsïmy schoolsïhave aided me to discover my dreams and aspirations, and shall aid me to offer the world my talent.

Undergraduate / UC 2: Being a Judoka [4]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Many people did not understand why I signed up for the Judo club. They snorted and casted disapproving looks, telling me I did not know my own limits. In many people's eyes, I was just an artsy girl who stayed away from sweaty and rigorous work. However, I knew I have always wanted to try something different.

As expected, Judo really did not turn out to be my area of expertise. I was weak, constantly panting after training. My body just could not bear the strain of racing out the carbohydrates. My muscles ached and my lungs were desperate for air after weight training. When I returned home, I collapsed onto bed with my whole body drenched in sweat.

Mother would come by and say gently, "Darling, if it is too hard on you, just quit it."

That thought of quitting actually lingered in my mind for a while. Every time before training, I felt as if I was going to an execution ground, waiting to be beheaded, and my stomach churned at the thought of the ordeal I had to pull through later. I heard people talk; they expected me to give up sooner or later. However, I also heard a small little voice at the back of my whispering, "You can do it"; then the voice became louder and louder, until it was practically shouting, until that was all I could hear.

And I continued on, all the way through dreadful trainings, through exciting competitions, and finally to the end of the year, when my Judo club threw a huge celebration. I had never felt so accomplished in my life. The sense of pride engulfed me as I held my judo uniform, which had accompanied through all the hardship I went through for that day. I had succeeded.

Determination and commitment-these are what urged me to go on. I may shudder and flinch at an undesirable situation, but I will still give my best shot. If I pick something up, I never believe in throwing it away half way. There's a Chinese saying that goes, "Studying is like sailing a boat against the current; if you don't go forward, you are actually going backwards." This saying is similar to my aphorism of life: I have to constantly march forward and never go backwards.

People were surprised by my perseverance, but this time they smiled along with me. Perhaps I am still not a sports person, but I will not give up easily, and that is my sportsmanship.