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Posts by SP10
Joined: Dec 25, 2009
Last Post: Jan 4, 2010
Threads: 1
Posts: 8  
From: India

Displayed posts: 9
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SP10   
Dec 27, 2009
Graduate / SOP for a Social Psych PhD program [7]

Hi everyone!
Please read through my statement if you have the time - I would appreciate any feedback...did the begining pull you in?...did the middle hold your interest?...also, i think my research interest section sounds a tad confusing...please let me know if you can understand it.

Thank you so very much in advance; I just joined a few days ago and will certainly help out in anyway i can :)

The statement of purpose prompt is as follows:

"indicate your reasons for undertaking graduate study. In addition, please describe your qualifications for the academic program and your objectives in undertaking this program. Applicants to the doctoral program should outline their research interests and how they would complement those of the faculty."

I blew on the wooden surface twice before taking a step back to study my handiwork. It struck me that three years had passed since I had last ventured into the depths of a recently empty closet, to carve my initials into the wood. With this simple act, I finally said my goodbye to Japan and prepared my ten year old-self for the wonders of Egypt.

As my family moved to a different country every few years, comparing cultural and societal customs became instinctive for me. It started off as an amateurish attempt to understand my new environment and to avoid any bumbling faux pas in a new school. However, during my first year in college, I came to the realization that this childhood survival strategy of mine had transformed into a passion.

My first psychology class in college was taken on a mere whim, however it opened up a world of intrigue. From Gestalt principles to identity development, I was unmistakably hooked. Through this course, I was introduced to the idea of gender and identity being socially constructed and culturally specific. This theory fascinated me, as I often found myself applying it to my own cross-cultural upbringing in patriarchical societies. I began to question how one would navigate the development of an identity influenced by the assimilation of multiple cultures.

As a result of subsequent Psychology classes, I began to incorporate a multi-cultural and gendered approach to my undergraduate course work and practical experiences. For my Women in World History term paper, I decided to interview a recently immigrated young Bangladeshi woman. I focused on the woman's formation of ethnic and gender identity over the years and the importance she placed on these two categories in her self-definition. The interview also included how living in the United States had contributed to her sense of self. This assignment brought forth questions, such as the influence of attempting to integrate multiple cultural identities on one's affective mood state.

I also undertook an internship with an NGO in New Delhi, India. My work focused on the mental health needs of low-income women migrating into the city due to employment opportunities. I addressed questions such as the extent of depression in recent female miragnts due to living in an unfamiliar cultural environment. As a part of my internship, I spent time in various New Delhi slums interviewing women on whether they felt out of sync with their peers back home after working and living in the city.

My rigorous undergraduate courses coupled with stimulating internships, have provided me with the necessary analytical tools to succeed in a demanding graduate program. Due to my background in Biology, Chemistry and Psychology, I was expected to carry out both qualitative and quantitative analysis during internships - from utilizing statistical programs, to identifying themes in interviews. Over the past year, I have spent time aiding in the recovery of a family member, due to which I could not work. However, in spite of this, I made time to take computer classes in SAS and SPSS in order to ensure that I remain prepared for graduate school.

My objective in desiring to undertake graduate studies is to develop a solid background in social psychology and gender studies research. I was delighted to learn of the Joint Master of Arts Degree in Psychology and Women's and Gender Studies offered to doctoral students at X University. This would provide me with a concrete foundation in both the disciplines I find equally intriguing. I am eager for a deeper understanding of how to conduct psychological research with a gendered perspective. Furthermore, the integrated approach of the Social-Developmental PhD program will allow for a more satisfying and diverse experience, due to the possibility of incorporating a life-span developmental approach to social psychology scholarship.

My research interest stems from my work with migrant women and the mental health issues many face. I would like to modify the research question addressed during my internship, in order to apply it to American-born Asian adolescents who have lived a highly mobile, trans-cultural life. Specifically, I am interested in examining the risk of depression in early adolescence at the time of repatriation to the United States. I would additionally like to explore the development of ethnic identity in adolescents who have grown up outside their passport country.

I feel that my research interests correspond with those of Dr. Sally Wright, as she is dedicated to examining gender differences in depression through a developmental perspective. Dr. Wright has conducted studies on the relationship between increased depression risk and the onset of puberty in girls. Due to my interest in working with early adolescents and depression, I feel that Dr. Wright's research background fits well with my objectives.

Upon receiving my doctorate, my goal is to continue research related to the influence of cross-cultural experiences in identity formation and risks of depression due to a new environment. I would eventually like to obtain a position either in academia or with an NGO in order to carry on with this work. X University would offer me the enriching opportunity to develop my skills both as a Social Psychologist as well as a Women's and Gender Studies student. I am tremendously excited to combine these two disciplines and explore the different ways in which they can be integrated into research.

My diverse background has instilled in me a passion to fearlessly explore the unknown and I believe, X University, with its multi-faceted approach to research would be the perfect institution for me to explore the areas of psychological research that I find captivating.
SP10   
Dec 27, 2009
Graduate / Statement of purpose-PhD, Economics [4]

I agree that this is a very well written piece... i am definitely convinced of your passion for the subject.

I did find this one minor problem though:

"My preparation includes four aspects: a strong background in mathematics; research experiences in international economics; and teaching assistantships in various courses."

You have only mentioned three aspects in that sentence, so you may want to either include another one, or change "four" to "three."

All the Best!
SP10   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston University-Me in 3 words [5]

I am only trying to give the respect to my peers and elders that they deserve.

Organization of time allows me to then persue activities that I like, for example playing basketball with my friends.

Hi!....corrections are in red.

Hope they help!
SP10   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How am I different from the World?? I am not a genius who receives national merit. Notre Dame [5]

Hi Chanhyu,
You sound like a very sweet person. Here's just my two cents on how you may be able to bring that forward in your essay a little bit more sucessfully. I'll also post another messge with corrections to your present essay, just in case.

I think you should concentrate on how you overcame constantly thinking about a "negative trait" that makes you feel different from others to embracing a positive trait...was your time within the Korean community in the US the reason behind you realizing your compassionate nature?...or did you realize this sometime before?...i also think you should talk a little more about how you expressed your compassion (if you did any volunteer work, you can include it)...its great that you leant an ear to people's problems, but maybe develop that idea a little bit more.

Last suggestion (I promise!): What exactly is it about Notre Dame's humanitarian work etc. that attracts you?...do they do anything in particular (e.g. support a local orphanage, have food drives etc.)that you would like to be involed in?

Definitely concentrate on your strengths...its great that you were able to stop thinking about your limits and start focusing on your positive qualities...you should show the admission people that in your essay.

Hope this helps!
SP10   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How am I different from the World?? I am not a genius who receives national merit. Notre Dame [5]

Courage, or in other words, a confidence in my actions being true and just, is a source of demonstrating unique qualities. However, there was a point in my life when I was afraid to be different from the world.

Minor corrections - i've included them in the quote.

Ever since I was little, I have been shy. I was afraid of standing out, which caused quite a dilema for me. My passion to contribute to the world seemed to contradict my personality. I often fell into self-disparagement, asking questions such as, "Why am I so shy?", and "What can I do with my personality?" But, I was overlooking an important fact: There are other ways to be different from the world. I had another trait that could differentiate me from others: compassion. I feel compassionate towards people who are hurt and banished.

Here is maybe where you could add a little bit more detail on how you came to realize you were compassionate.

As a Korean International Student in the United States, I witnessed much irrationality within Korean communities. Younger students were often taken advantage of by their older peers. Having seen this "hierarchy" for many years, I could not help but feel a deep sense of empathy for the younger students. I made sure that I listened to those who needed comfort whenever possible.

Just some quick advice: College admissions officers usually prefer when we don't shorten words...for example: Instead of "Don't," use "Do not," instead of "couldn't," you should use "could not" etc.

Objectively, I may not be the most promising student: I am not a genius who receives national merit.

Focus on strengths! Possibly give more details on how you're willing to commit your life to humanity - it will make your case stronger. Show how compassionate you are. Do you plan on majoring in something that will help you to help others? Maybe Notre Dame does something specific to help opressed people that you admire and want to be involved in...think about possibly including that in the essay. How will your compassionate nature contribute to making Notre Dame a better place?

I really hope this helped and that none of my comments were confusing...i'll check the thread again this week, so please let me know if you need clarifications on something.

Good Luck!
SP10   
Dec 28, 2009
Graduate / Petroleum Engineering Statement of Purpose for a Master's degree (non-thesis) [4]

As the world tries to find viable alternative sources of energy which reduce harmful emissions, the amount of energy being consumed continues to rise. At present and for the foreseeable future, oil remains the most viable energy solution. As a result the future supply of energy and by extension the preservation of the environment relies on petroleum engineers.

Comma after "Result"

This makes petroleum engineering one of the most exciting fields and is a major reason behind why I have decided to supplement my bachelor's degree in xxx engineering by applying for a master's degree in petroleum engineering.

These subjects helped me realize that improving efficiency and producing oil in more environmentally friendly ways could save the environment while meeting energy demands.

These are just some minor corrections; your essay is well written, otherwise.

I do have a suggestion though. I found myself wondering, while reading about your visits to your father's company, what exactly was it that intrigued you during those visits and made you decide on petroleum engg? Anything in particular that you learned about the oil and gas industry that ignited your passion for the field? Maybe you could include that into your essay.

Good Luck!
SP10   
Dec 29, 2009
Graduate / SOP for a Social Psych PhD program [7]

Thanks for the advice, Keven - I was a little iffy myself about the autobiographical feel of the essay.

I'll try to work in a theme and then re-post.

You guys are doing a great job here! Especially helping non-native speakers; very commendable stuff!
SP10   
Dec 30, 2009
Graduate / MS in Industrial Engineering, statement of purpose [8]

Ranjit,
One of the ways you can get feedback quicker is to help out others who have posted their essays on the forum.

Some suggestions on your essay:

churned out inch perfect cars with seamless perfection.

I think you are using the word "perfect" here a bit too much. Using it in the same sentence and practically side-by-side is probably not a great idea. Maybe you can substitute inch "perfect" with another word?

What was most appealing was the integration of such diverse business functions and systems for a common objective- a quality product.

What I found to be most appealing...

My curriculum equipped me with diverse, yet essential concepts of manufacturing such as engineering design, production

comma after "such as"

As the secretary of the IIPE student chapter I was

Comma after "chapter"

Here I was able to apply higher IE concepts of value

Comma after "here"

Shingeo Sheigo This learning of deriving

Need "." b/w Sheigo and This.

This sabbatical also allowed me further my innate passion for music by learning to play the Sitar and also the German language.

allowed me TO further...also, im pretty sure you didn't learn to play the German language :)...sentence sounds a little out of sorts...maybe: "play the sitar and persue a long time interest in studying German"

Regarding SOP vs. Personal Statement question:

SOP is usually a little less "personal"...i think your current one is actually a pretty good representation of what a statement of purpose should look like. It should concentrate more on your academic achievements/relevent practical experience and goals for the future.

Personal Statement is designed to give the admissions commitee a chance to get to know YOU - the person behind the list of achievements...its through the Personal statement that you can allow your personality to really shine.

Other than the significant academic contributions, what unique perspectives, life experiences etc. will you also bring to their program?

Hope this helps.

Good Luck and please read over other people's essays!
SP10   
Jan 4, 2010
Graduate / Master of Public Health-Management track Main statement [5]

Hi Linda,

These are just some cursory corrections; I will be able to look at the essay in greater detail after this week. So, i will try to give you more of a substantial feedback, then. But here is something to start you off;

As a child, I was in and out of the hospital so frequently that some of my earliest memories involve my being around the hospital bed. My childhood amusement [...]

I really liked your first sentence. It certainly had me curious as to why you spent so much time in the hospital and i admit, i was expecting the next line to give some sort of an explanation. So, when you started to talk about your childhood amusement, it threw me off a little. Maybe you could add in another line to describe why you were in the hospital so often?....OR just start off with "My childhood amusement..."

other corrections:

"often entailed"

"These games triggered my fascination...science, hence, it was no surprise..."

hope this helped and I'll go through the other paragraphs soon.

:)
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