Undergraduate / "student-body president" - Common App: Personal Essay [3]

Please help? Suggestions for changes that I should make? Thank you in advance! :)

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.250 words minimum.

Time slowly ticked as I waited outside the building for the results to be posted. The only thing I could do now was to sit patiently as I stared at my watch with the hope of magically changing the time to 3:45PM. The gap between the seconds seemed like eternity. The only sound I could hear was the pounding of my heart which seemed to beat faster and faster as the wait time drew to a close.

My watch stroke 3:45PM and as I turned around, Ms. Frazee, my Calculus and Leadership teacher, came with the results on her hands. She approached a crowd of students, who were also awaiting the results, almost as anxious as I was to see who had won.

I tried to calm myself down and my mind drifted back weeks earlier in which I was standing on a stage in front of about 400 people. It was my turn to make my speech and this was the first impression I was making on the rest of the student body and I knew it had to be impressive.

With confidence, I stepped forward and told the crowd, "Good morning everyone! My name is Jamie Bondoc, class of 2010, and a running candidate for student-body President. You need a leader. A friend. A voice. So before you vote, ask your self 'Who is Jamie Bondoc and how will she help me?'"

As Ms. Frazee moved out of the way, in bold letters, the paper on the window read "First Student-body President, Jamie Bondoc." It was over. It was real.

I could not believe that I was the same shy Asian girl with glasses who came into Camino Nuevo not knowing a single person. Back then, I was intimidated by the fact that everyone already had their own little group of friends and I had none.

I felt that it was impossible to create new bonds because everyone knew each other since the second grade. I was, however, up for the challenge. It wasn't the first time in my life that I was the "outsider". It felt like seventh grade all over where I was the new girl.

Although I attend a small school, people still did not know of me prior to the election. I set up a campaign by bombarding my school campus with "Who is Jamie Bondoc ?" posters and flyers which spread my name like a wildfire. I answered their question when I finally introduced myself during the speech that I made.

The position of student-body president is not only a title for me, but rather an opportunity for me to help shape my school culture. Becoming president not only gave me a chance to voice out my opinions, but also helped me to represent others. It gave me the chance to let others see my genuine passion about lending out my hand to others the same way that I was helped out throughout my high school career. The close-knit environment that my school already had made it easier to get others involved as well. I came to Camino Nuevo as a shy, introverted person not knowing a single soul on campus, yet when I walk across the stage in June, I will leave knowing four-hundred times that.

Undergraduate / Yale: Catholic Church [6]

Help? Please share any of your constructive criticism. Tear it upppp :) Thank you in advance. Word count: 530 I need to cut down 30.

You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, the Short Answer, and the Personal Essay. While we leave the topic of your second essay entirely up to you, try telling us something about yourself that you believe we cannot learn elsewhere in your application. Please limit yourself to fewer than 500 words.

"Please stand and profess your faith." Simultaneously, everyone stood and began reciting the Nicene Creed. "We believe in one holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church..." After I proclaimed that, it hit me. Was there sincerity in the words that I was declaring?

I was born and raised into a faithful Catholic family, never questioning any beliefs and teachings of "my" religion as I grew up. I attended catechism as a child and confirmed my Catholic faith when I was fifteen. After confirming my faith, I thought that was the end of my journey in finding my own religion, but little did I know that it was barely the beginning.

I've always held a close bond with my parents, but despite how supportive they've been throughout my whole life, I didn't know how open-minded they would be with my doubts about the Catholic Church. I was afraid to voice my opinions because I feared that they were going to think that I was just falling on the wrong "path." At first, I thought that maybe I shouldn't pay attention to the questions that arose in my mind because it would seem that I doubted God. However, my feelings in opposition to my Catholic faith grew stronger and I felt something very different in my heart.

In my journey away from the Catholic Church, I was able to stand on my own, without the help of my Catholic community. I eventually realized that the Catholic religion became a norm for me. I was neither happy nor depressed about it, but I was comfortable. Being Catholic was what was convenient for me and being at ease was what became important. The people that I always had behind me were no longer there and I had to cope with my problems on my own.

This has shaped my dreams and aspirations because I no longer settle for something that I am comfortable with. Throughout the past two years, I have watched myself grow more independent and mature. I've realized that it is okay to challenge the ideas around me and that I should continually do that. More importantly, I've realized that being different is good. During this process, I was able to rationally break away from my family to form my own ideas while respecting theirs. Although at times I was discouraged by the different situations going on around me, I was able to keep going and trust, acknowledge, and follow God and his goodness.

It is a growing spiritual journey and I am still learning. This challenge that I had to face alone has not only helped me become a stronger person, but has also forced me not to look for the easy way out. With this said, although I am undecided about which major I want to take in the Math/Science department, I am not discouraged by how challenging those classes are going to be. I've become more independent and no longer need hand holding. I was able to find my footing on my own, and will surely be able to do that in the near future. I will go after my hearts desires, even if they don't reflect that of everyone else.