Undergraduate / "being a fashion magazine editor" - FIT essay [4]

Hi everyone!

I am currently in need of some revising for my FIT essay.
The essay topic is

"What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to?"

The limit is 750 words in the essay but I still need some help on a closing paragraph. If anyone can look over my essay and have any comments, please help out. Thanks!

My major is fashion editing - under the advertising & marketing communications category.

For more than two decades, the majority of the women of the Tong family have worked through long hours, late nights, and restless nights on low pay and

in rough conditions. Growing up in a family where money was limited and used only for survival necessities such as shelter and food, buying desired clothing was not an opened option. Instead, my mother made my clothing from leftover fabric, yarn, and many other materials from factories she worked in and materials my aunts consigned. Most of my clothing, were either made by my mother, or second-hand clothing passed on from my cousins. My mother made the most fun tutu-looking dresses, which I was known for wearing when I was a child, and jackets that were eye-catching. Her talent has since, endorsed my love for clothing, design, fashion itself.

Even though my mother did not use the best quality of materials, she made
every piece of my clothing shine and stand out. From that moment on, I knew I
would fall in love with more than just basic clothing, I fell in love with the extra enhancements, the more-than-just-ordinary look. Eight years ago, when I bought my first magazine, CosmoGirl!, I quickly fell in love with clothing and cosmetics featured. The clothing they featured were not just basic clothing, they were embellished with designs that completed the expressions, the meanings of each piece; a black sequined tube top represented an outspoken personality who is fun and sexy, an animal skin design top might represent a strong and urban personality and anything with lace represents a flirtacious personality. What amazed me the most was their editor-in-chief at the time, Atoosa Rubenstein, who founded the magazine and opened up with many advice and has gave back to her readers (one in particular when she created the reality series, Miss Seventeen, which rewarded contestants with goods and prized the winner as cover girl and internship, which would later opened her up to options to many high fashion magazines). Even though I was only a mere ten years of age, I was curious enough to buy every issue of CosmoGirl! magazine that was printed afterwards, then opened up to many other magazines such as Seventeen, Teen People, Elle, Harper's Bazaar, Vogue and Cosmopolitan. Seeing those beautiful models that are around my age and demonstrating the latest trends in many different body shapes, makes me want to show millions of girls that they can look fabulous no matter how they look like.

I was always so excited to see the new clothing advertisements featured in every issue. It always gave me an idea to improve my looks: what the hottest trend was and what's the current favorite item; I always liked having the latest items. About two years ago, I started to have a huge interest in cosmetics, especially in MAC Cosmetics, which always has a new collection just about every month. I loved keeping up with every collection that I tried to buy at least one item from each collection because their cosmetics (design and color) got much better, collection after collection and it excites me that MAC is used by many of the clothing brands I admire, in their ads, such as Diane Von Furstenberg, LAMB, and Alexander McQueen even teamed up to launch his collection for MAC! I am always one to find out about collections before its release dates and telling people, which I love giving heads up.

I believe that being a fashion magazine editor will help me socially; I've always loved working with people and I've always dreamed about going to fashion shows and giving people the 411 on the latest. I also love putting clothing together based on themes, photography, and "popularize the unknown". As a fashion editor, I want to be able to give independent and unexplored stores a chance to be known about their merchandise because I believe everyone should be heard. After all, I've discovered a love for many wonderful brands and products through magazines that have opened doors for them and it's time that I let everyone know about the best, based on high reviews, suggestions and ratings.

Undergraduate / "Something not relevant from academic record" - Adelphi Essay [6]

Hello, this is my Adelphi admissions essay. Their essay limit is 500 words so if anyone can help me revise it and break it down, it'll mean the world to me.

Thanks!

Growing up, having the highest grades in classes, exams, being the

best in everything I did, was all I cared about. I was raised by Asian parents who had high

expectations and standards for me, the usual stereotype for Asians, "being the best in

everything", most importantly, our grades. Every low grade was frowned upon and having the

a high grade was rewarded with a treat. As I grew up, I have found something

that I've valued more than my grades and the rewards I've gotten on occasion:

the gift of singing and writing lyrics. Music is a whole lot different than from

achieving the high standards set for me in school; it's something I feel great

about, expressing feelings and letting go of everything, being free from your

world.

Both of my parents were raised in China during a time when high school

was hard to be admitted to, hence college. They were so affected, they wanted

me to have the good education they've never had. During middle school, I've

felt so stressed because everything seemed difficult and I was depressed from

all the hate against me. I was always isolated from my classmates during class,

mostly spending my time writing my own lyrics to appease myself and to try

to keep myself busy, rather than being lonely. Because I've never believed in

resolving problems by physical fights, I let all the stress, all the pain, and all

the hate out in a more expressive manner. By the end of middle school,

I have written over fifth lyrics, some which took took days, or even months.

Almost three years ago, in my freshman year, I was given the guitar class in

my school schedule. I never though I would be able to pick up a musical

instrument and play but I fell in love the moment I pulled that E string that

echoed sweetly in my ear. Rather than playing what I was instructed, I always hid

in the back, finding tabs for my favorite songs from Michelle Branch and Green

Day, learning to play them. I felt like I was in a whole new world when I started

to make songs with my lyrics.

Having guitar class was an adventure for me but I was given two more

tickets to even better adventures. As sophomore year was moving along, I

was selected for strings class, and one I was really excited about - choir, where I

was first soprano. Strings class blew my mind immediately. It was consisted of

violas, cellos, violins. I've completely adapted a love for my viola immediately

and I've fell in love with singing. Most importantly, I've discovered my singing

voice a talent I've never been more positive about. Since I've joined choir and

strings class, I've never missed out on being on performing in a single school

concert. In fact, last June, the strings orchestra won the silver medal during

the NYU music festival, which has been the highlight of my year. Winning an

award for something that we put our sweat and tears through, is appreciated,

especially for such an important event.

I cannot even begin to say how much playing the viola has changed my life,

most importantly, music itself. I've gotten more mature, more outspoken and

more confident about most of my actions. Sometimes, I think it's all because

of the straight posture-position I've had such a hard time going through. Many

think that music is all about the melody, but it's something more than that; rather

than letting your anger out on someone, you can let it all out on your

singing tone and in your own words in lyrical method. It took me a whole while to

learn that a fight is never the answer. Besides, what can one gain from such

violence? At times, I wish I could've recorded those songs I've made up and

would've probably had them sent to record labels by now, but I'm glad

I haven't. I've realized that aside from my personal interests, I would do anything

that would make my parents happy and myself the most happiest: keeping a

stable life and going to college to pursue the career I value the most.

Having a passion for music and writing lyrics may not be relevant in my

academic record, but all my achievements, all that I've been through, has broke

the musical record in my life.

Undergraduate / "Write Your Heart Out" - FIT Essay [6]

Hello, I am applying to FIT as a transfer.

The essay question was:

What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We'd like you to tell us in an essay.This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments.

Please help out! Thanks!

Write Your Heart Out
"Write your heart out." That was the message I perceived from my English teacher of four years in high school, Kimberly Thorsen, three years ago. That was my final cue to decide what I have been living for, to decide what I want do for the rest of my life. I've never considered a career in writing much until the beginning of high school. I used to think that those A's in my papers were just coincident but as I looked back on the process of some of my work, I think of how enthusiastic I was when composing each piece and how hard I tried to make each paper perfect. Maybe I was destined to write my heart out after all.

The first cue that brought me to an interested in fashion journalism was when I first saw the movie "13 Going on 30" almost seven years ago. Before that, I loved reading magazines but haven't thought much about the way a magazine was brought together. "13 Going on 30" certainly brought a small insight of what goes on in a publishing office. I bought my first magazine issue in February 2002, with Mandy Moore on the cover or CosmoGirl! magazine. I knew I was not age-appropriate for the magazine at the time, but I was curious to read about Mandy Moore as she was my favorite pop singer at the time. Little did I know, that curiosity turned to a high interest in fashion, magazines and knowledge of what I should be prepared for later in life. I started urging my mother to subscribe me to magazines such as Teen People, Seventeen and CosmoGirl! and I remember how thrilled I was to check my mailbox to see if a new magazine issue came, but excitement doesn't end there: once I brought the magazines back to my apartment, I would spend hours studying each circulation diligently.

Those who know me know I used to spend hours at the library in the magazine section, sitting in the corner with piles of new magazines, whether it's Entertainment Weekly or Cosmopolitan. At times, I'd even borrow the magazines if I couldn't finish them. Even at a tender age, I started checking out magazines that were too 'advanced' for my age, such as Jane, W, Vanity Fair and The New Yorker. Whenever my mother and I went to the supermarket, I would directly go to the magazine section and stay for the entire trip while my mother did the grocery shopping and I never left the market without buying at least one issue. The fashion magazines have always been an inspiration. As I look back on when I first started picking out my own clothes, I realize it was after I started reading fashion and beauty magazines; I was always inspired by the clothing, jewelry and shoes that magazines that picked out. I want to be able to help inspire young girls and young women find their inner fashionista and be comfortable in what they wear.

My aunt was once a student at FIT and she still speaks highly about the school that got her a wonderful job, to this day. Ever since I heard 'fashion' in Fashion Institute of Technology, I've only dreamed of being in FIT with a life-changing education and a bright future. FIT is the root of many notable fashion designers', fashion directors', and magazine editors' careers and I hope one day, I will be able to be on that list. I'm currently studying journalism but I don't think I can experience what it really is like in the fashion magazine industry without FIT on my side. With FIT's help, I believe I can land internships I would never find elsewhere and take me to places I can never be able to go solely. Easy or hard, I never have taken anything for granted and I am and will always be enthusiastic about every task, delivering contentment in everything I do. I have overcame the worst I've ever been through in life and I can foresee myself making it through more obstacles. Because I have a creative mind, I believe I can contribute to wherever place I go and because I know what people go for, it is easy for me to predict what they get. Even though it has been three years since Ms.Thorsen said those inspirational words, I have wrote my heart out for each and every paper I have written and I'm only going to get better.

Undergraduate / "I will feel unhappy as long as I'm there" - Boston University Transfer essay [4]

Hi everyone!

Let me start by introducing myself.

I'm currently a 2nd semester freshman at St. John's University, trying to transfer out, obviously. First-generation Chinese college student in my family, so I'm not sure if it's fine to include that in the essay.

I also wrote about my mother's health in the essay, and I didn't intend on writing a sob story, it just came out with details.

Let me know what might be good to add/remove. Thanks in advance!

So I'm currently using the Common App to submit this, so the topic is:

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

When I think of Boston University, the image is nothing but warm, peaceful and bright - a bright future. As I looked through a college guide handbook about schools that offer a journalism program, a rare academic program found in most colleges, a few years ago, I was amazed with the numerous amount of programs Boston University offers. What drove me to make a certain decision on applying to Boston University is that BU is the root of 20 graduates' careers that have skyrocketed and are awardees of the notable Pulitzer Prize award, the most prestigious award among most journalists.

My biggest regret is not applying to Boston University when I had a higher chance, during my senior year of high school. For months, I have looked insightfully at the school that could make my dreams of becoming a fashion magazine journalist come true without any relatives that will put the pressure on me to change my fate, but it wasn't until the deadline day that I've realized what my life would be without my parents, especially my mother who would undergo surgery in the summer. After a long, struggling summer and semester of deep thinking, I finally realize that I don't need my parents and they don't need me right now; they need me when they're older and when I have a career. My parents are right: as long as I'm somewhere I don't want to be, I will feel unhappy as long as I'm there.

In one year, I envision myself studying at Boston University happily and peacefully, by doing what I love, such as contributing to some of the student publications, including "The Daily Free Press" as well as student organizations such as Habitat for Humanity. I was astonished by the many organizations that BU offers students a chance to learn, not only academically but also on global issues many might not be familiar with and can learn more about. I am definite that those three years of contributions will be golden in any decision I make in life. In three years, I envision myself as a proud graduate of Boston University, with many academic and life lessons learned, and getting a career started with hopes of being the next Boston University College of Communication graduate who will win the Pulitzer Prize, and proudly say my alma mater, Boston University, has helped me to success, the rest of my life.

This is also my short answer essay, which is:

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

This past summer, I volunteered at the FCPC Program, in what would be an experience of a lifetime. With no working experience, my time, sweat and tears were dedicated in exchange for many lessons I wouldn't have gotten elsewhere. For seven whole weeks of teaching elementary students academically, artistically and ethnically, I have survived with a skill I've been blinded by: teamwork. I've never been one to deal with children because of my unpleasant childhood that barely relates to theirs, but I was finally able to understand a child's needs as well as their feelings. It took me just seven weeks to conceal what my family has taught me to think like an adult as a child and recognize that a child's feelings are just as valuable. This particular extracurricular activity is not just another activity that will boost the reputation of my resume, but an experience I will cherish in my heart, forever.