Undergraduate / "Over-ambitious procrastinator" or how to start my commonapp essay? [6]

Hi evry1:
1.i think my first commonapp essay's a mess!!!
2. my idea's so not organized.
3. it's too long
4. please help me ::::~~~~::::
My parents call me "over-ambitious". They think that I talk too big and I dream too high. It is not an exaggeration and it is true that I am over ambitious. I have never been satisfied of what I have achieved till now. There is always "What if I had done better?" or "what if I had toiled more sweats?" My parents are used to listening my "what ifs"but I was not like this before, I mean this overly ambitious person. It was after an incident that took place 5years ago. It was on July of 2004 when I had been to my grandmother's house. My grandmother was and is still a conservative person. She was dissatisfied with my mother as my mother was unable to bear a male-child. I still vividly remember that conversation I had with my grandmother. It was:

Grandmother: how much have you studied little girl?
Me: I am in class seven.
Grand mother: I had told your parents to have a son, but they didn't listen to me. If they had a son, he'd definitely have glorified my son's name. I have no doubt with your sisters. They can find a good guy, but for you, I have no hope and what can you do by being a girl!!

Me:....speechless, hurt and emotionally wretched!!!

It was true that I was neither beautiful nor a brilliant student at that time. Till then I had no purpose in my life. That sarcasm ignited the purpose of my life. My grandmother might have used those words on other purpose, it might have been used to spill her anger towards my mother, yet, and it hurt me the most. Although people say that soul is abstract thing, my soul was shattered. That day before going to sleep, I had secretly promised to god I'd prove my grandmother wrong. Then from the next day, my journey had begun...as an over-ambitious girl.Now, after five years, I have changed, transformed for good. I was an average student when I was in grade 7 but my grades rose sharply after that incident. When I had the urge to play with my friends or watch TV soaps. I used to prevent distractions by recalling my conversation with grand mom. I had shocked my parents the most when they saw my great final exam's marks.

People say "every thing happens for a reason" but this incident happened for more than one reason...it happened for many reasons. Now, I have come to conclusion that:

>You are able to make great friends if you are filthy rich or if your grades are extra good. Friendship in case of a rich one is guaranteed till they are stuffed with green money. In the latter case, friendship grows with intellectual energy which is not extinguishable.

>Teachers are good observers and they know who you are and what you are capable of. You should not let yourself down by hearing criticism of your classmates.

>Every one should have aim and also the reason to drive themselves to their goal. We also should have the reason to celebrate our success.

>Although parents might call you "over ambitious","pushy" or "honey bee" they want more from you. They expect you stand out in the crowd.

>Your sleep deprived mind can't catch up the lecture presented in the class.
>There are always two choices in your life, Good choice and bad choice. Whenever we choose one choice, we spend our next few moments of life by wondering "what if I had chosen the other one"

>Although your parents complain that you can't let them sleep due to your humming sound at night (mugging scientific formulas), they still don't tell you to stop studying too loud.

> I have learnt that behind every parent "no" to a question there's always a valid reason and they never want us to digress from our path.

>A daughter is no less than a son. She can do every thing what a son can. A daughter can make her parents happy, just like I have done.

Now, it is 2010 and I am a high school graduate. My parents were upset when I had expressed my desire to study abroad. They had straightly refused to let me apply to International colleges. My mother had even scolded me by telling that "In Germany you can't live there without any relatives and with no one but foreigners." It was a valid reason, yet this was not a complete reason to forbid me from applying. It took me about a week to get money from my father to register for SAT. My parents are still not happy with my decision although they have agreed to support me financially. They are not wrong with their ideas, it is not an easy task to leave your parents nest and live in foreign country, just at the opposite end of the globe.Now,as I have taken SAT,Toefl tests and have begun my application process it is an irreversible task to undo. I have decided to spread my wings wide in international level.

I must confess that I had no plans to apply to foreign colleges. I was lured by the novels of Jhumpa lahari (The namesake and unaccustomed earth) where she has mentioned colleges of America. I have let go of my plans of studying in Nepal in hope of studying in international college. I have chosen Jacobs due to its reputation as a prestigious college. If I am accepted to Jacobs, there is no doubt that I'd prove myself. I have planned on taking women's studies as a major subject. I have also planned to take biology as a minor subject. I am fascinated by the creations of the nature and I think that I can do some thing important for the women of Asian regions. I hope to study the conditions of women of all over the world and I want to trace the problems faced by women of Africa to the women of Asia. It is my luck that I got born in a family where my parents are educated and economically sound. I have got all the luxuries that a 21st century person needs but it is not same for all girls of my country. There are my own female friends who are discriminated on the basis of sex.Let's take an example of my friend ;Her parents gave birth to five daughters in hope of a son and at last they had one. She has many problems in her family. She had no enough money for her MBBS programme that she's now studying Architect. It is a modern problem faced by a modern friend of mine where there is emotional feelings attached more than material one. We have a custom of forbidding women to enter kitchen and other house parts when they have menstrual cycle. In rural areas, the case is worse; women are forced to sleep in cowshed during menstrual cycle even during winter season. Recently two women died due to cold while they were staying in a cowshed.

I want to improve the conditions of women of my country. I want to get a PhD degree in Women's studies and then only I'll start to work all around the world.

I want to prove my grandmother wrong and want to change her perspective. I want to make my parents feel that their "over-ambitious" girl is now grown up and is capable of deciding what is good for her.

The most glorious moment for me was on last December when I had once again been to my grandmother's house. I was elated when I saw my certificates hung on the wall of sitting room. It was a magnificent moment for me, but this incident made me turn my neck to the left at the bare wall, standing tall in front of me as a next dream to conquer!!

I want more from my life, I am "over-ambitious"

Undergraduate / Swim with no clothes- paragraph about The Most Frightening Experience of my Life [4]

Hi!!
The most frightening experience of my life was in the swimming pool. It was the second time I went with my family when I decided to swim without bathing clothes (waht we call this thing in English? things that are made of plastic and filled with air. Kids wear them to be safe while swimming. sometimes its shape like the wheels). After my brother had taught me some It's actually called swimming tube .

I too agree with dkarri as this piece of writing is straight-forward.
why don't you explain this fear the other way; you can elaborate your accident by carefully adressing every moment while u were on the verge of being drowned. You might as well explain how this experience helped u

:-) Hope it helps
Take care!!

Undergraduate / "Over-ambitious procrastinator" or how to start my commonapp essay? [6]

thank u Hussain!!
I'll try to work on the length part!!

:-) thank u

Writing Feedback / A two-paragraph essay about speaking in front of a crowd of people. [4]

So they fear to fail their first experience in front of a large audience
imo:so they fear of failing in their very first experience
Going to my seat, I became (was )on the verge of tears

1.firstly instead of first and secondly instead of second or u might as well write: My first opinion or first reason
when standing on a stage (while)

thank u :-)

Undergraduate / "Devil in the Flesh by Raymond Radiguet" a book that has influenceed or inspired you. [2]

I never had a glorious dream until that day, when I accidentally read a book called Devil in the Flesh by Raymond Radiguet. The book has changed my view to the world. I wonder how could there be such a book, which made me see a different world. ( i think this is quite unnecessary) From the book, I got the impression of France in the First World War, a place full of romance, trains with roses, wet rainy season, and most importantly, love. I think this sentence has error....might be not coordinated sentence.

In the first time, I (u can write, the book showed me or sth..)sense the feeling of love and the beauty of words. I learned about ridicule, mockery, Don Juan, and the Flower of Evil. not related!! Since then I knew that word can convey the atmosphere and mood. And for a long time, I was indulging in the book, imaging that I was the protagonist in life. Never have I read a book written from the view of first person, try to write in active voice I was amazed at its impact. Then, I and my cousin secretly founded a literature society called Raymond Society. And I created its logo with a lightening covered by red circle. I was so passionate that I thought I could have everything I wanted.

This autobiographical novel has changed my life. From then on, I began my "writing" career. But every time when I beganwriting a paragraph with a nice paragraph, my brain went empty. Every time when I had a nice idea, I thought that an unprecedented work was coming; but when I reviewed what I wrote down, I realized that was just a piece of garbage in the bin. And I began to think what I need. Maybe I need sufferance . Most good writers suffered from poverty and then had first-hand experience. However, I have poor understanding for poverty. I try tried to stop eat less; because I think thoughtthat hunger is the cultivating container of inspiration. I keep running, looking for the stimulation generated by ultimate sensory. But in the end, I suffer from the impact result by my stupid doing and became a helpless cynical person. And now, writing has become a huge weight in my body until I could not bear the feeling of unsuccessfulness and throw it totally away.

Now, I have become a science guy, busy with the complex mathematics problem and physics formula. From time to time, I would think about my childish dream sparked by a book. Writing now become vaguer by the wash time and it disappeared in my brain. And it become a memory, become my pastime, and become a chewing-gum, which I keep chewing and get no result.

Hey there, although i am also a novice writer, I have tried to amend or correct ur piece!
although u show a great deal of creativity...u should revise it :)

Help with my writing too :)

Undergraduate / "your favorite place to get lost (a book)"- Virginia Supplement [3]

My favorite method is toenvelopeu might write immersemyself in a book.
A book that is nearnearly ...will it be? impossible to relate to myself in any way.
As the pages turn time disappears, my phone's vibrate doesn't penetrate me through my pocket,u might change this sentenc einto something more simpler...like.. even the vibration of my cell dont disturb me and any noise in the background becomes a soft murmur in comparison to the voice reading each word out loud inside my head.

Hi :)
really nice piece of writing!!
u've superb ideas...but... i think..u can provide specefic ideas...eg of book or be detailed
:)
and....please help me with my writing too... i'll highly appreciate it :)