Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ individuals VS groups of people in the significance of history study [5]

The following topic is from GRE analytical writing issue pool.

"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

This is my statement:

1
In the view of development of human society, it is not difficult to draw this conclusion that famous individuals such as Elbert Einstein and Martin Luther King, and many common people, say, numerous gallant Chinese people involved in the Anti-Japanese War in World War II, play same role in importance of determining significant events and trends in history. We should pay equal attention to both of them for their significance of history studying.

2
We can never deny few individuals' great performances in human progress and technological development. For instance, undoubtedly, as one of greatest scientists in human history, Elbert Einstein play irreplaceable role in last century. His greatest contribution to physics is constructing the Special and General Theories of Relativity, which become the stone in the history of physics development. He is also regarded as the father of modern physics for his another important discovery. His great talent and intelligence has made "Einstein" become synonymous with "genius". While we focus on the great technological progress with the guidance of Einstein's theory, we have to notice another distinguished individual contemporarily, Martin Luther King. As Afro-American leader in the African American civil rights movement, he has become an iconic figure in the history of American liberalism for his devotion to civil rights. He delivered the famous speech "I Have a Dream" and established his reputation as one of the greatest orators in American history. He contributed greatly to end racial segregation and racial discrimination. Therefore, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day was established as a U.S. national holiday in 1986. Many individuals like Einstein and King become the propulsion of history progress, which illustrates the point that distinguished individuals are potential to determine the direction of development for a particular society, even landscape of the whole world.

3
Without these performances of individuals on history stage, the tracking of human progress and our world would become another view which is definitely distinctive from current situation. Maybe we can never speak to our relatives overseas within telephone since Thomas Edison had disappeared in his time. Maybe it is worse, that we are involved in a contorted world which is extremely unfaith to Jewish, since Adolf Hitler got the final victory in World War II with his loyal followers, Nazi Partisans. Every important individual like them left footprint in history, numerous their footprints constitute the path of human history development.

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On the other hand, we cannot ignore the key role of common people for history study. Chinese people in World War II are such a group. In numerous fights against Japanese fascists, many ordinary Chinese people became the real heroes on battlefield. They eventually fought off the invaders and got back the destructed home town from Japanese fascists with their valor and intrepidity. Without dedication of processors in the war, it is still a distant dream that construct an independent nation; many present Chinese people like me would never be proud of our rapidly economic development and technological advancement; the hold city of 2008 Olympic Games would not be Beijing, neither. Undoubtedly, as we have to mention Mao Zedong, a distinguished individual leader with great contribution to victory of Anti-Japanese War, we should also not forget Chinese people and their brave performance in this war.

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Finally, over emphasizing the significance of few individuals in history studying leads to sightless cult of personality which is often accompanying with grievous result. The Cultural Revolution in China following with victory of Anti-Japanese war is undoubtedly a nightmare for every Chinese people at that moment. It is Mao Zedong, the individual leaded Chinese people got the victory of Anti-Japanese war, who launched the untimely movement which results in the development of China left fifty years behind the situation without that. Generally speaking, only leader's personal misleading decision would not result in actual disaster. But if there are many followers advocate the potential catastrophic decision without any rational judgment, disaster inevitably appears. It is many Chinese people's blindfold idolatry for Mao caused the Cultural Revolution. The significance of common people for war victory was ignored. Instead, all of achievements are attributed to an individual. Thus, many Chinese people lost capability of judgment when it comes to Mao's decision. The balance of history would never be balance if the influences of individuals and groups of people could not be treated equally.

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Without the contribution of common people to history, we would not analyze and judge significant events and trends in history. Any commentary without consideration of groups of people is unreliable and misleading. While few individuals potentially control the direction of history path, many groups of people are the real impulsion for pushing history progress. In order to get authentic results of history studying, the significance of individuals and groups of people should be paid identical attention and treated equally.

I am looking forward to any commentary, suggestions or revised work. Thank you so much!!

Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. [2]

hi, everybody. i am looking forward to any revised work or suggestions about the following work. i appreciate any reply. Thank you!!

The following topic is from issue pool of GRE analytical writing.

130."How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

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Even though I am not willing to admit it, it is true that as far as the situation at present, we indeed have no idea about how to shape children into ones who can perfect our society.

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When it comes to solve the above problem, the first question we have to answer is "What is GOOD society in real meaning?" Only if we could provide answer to this question, we would establish a suitable education system to help our children become the ones who make our society better and better. However, since we ourselves have no idea what is "a better society" actually, in other words, at least there is no uniform definition of the concept among adults; we will never avoid an embarrassing situation that teachers ask students to answer a question that even they themselves do not know. Only if educators have the idea that children should be shaped into what kind of people, are children likely become the ones.

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On the other hand, even though there is uniform standard appear in near future for adjusting our understanding about what is a really good society; it is still very difficult to raise children who can contribute to such a society, since we only answer the first question about "what to do" but are still unaware of "how to do". Too many parents hope shaping their children into the other Bill Gates or Steven Jobs, unfortunately, very few succeed. They still failed with very clear-cut object as they are always in the dark about how to do. Undoubtedly, establishing effective method, seeking advisable means are the most important factors contributing to successful education.

4
The above problem, it looks like require children to draw egos. Every art teacher has the same purpose in their mind, which is let children draw an ego into paper which is as similar as possible with the one on the table. However, every teacher observes an ego from distinct angles and then guide children according to their own observations. Imaginably, children portray different images of a same ego with respective guidance. It justly looks like the first situation I mentioned above, which lacking of universal standard of a good society, it is impossible for us to raise children who will establish such an identical society. From another point of view, in reality, there are many unskilled teachers. Even if they reach an agreement that the ego should be drawn from a particular angle, few children finish the painting according to their requirement. Because even they themselves cannot draw a perfect one in the light of what they told to their students, let it alone figuring on children to succeed. This is corresponding to the latter situation I mentioned: many educators are not so skillful and sophisticated that they cannot afford to teach children how to bring about a better society in a uniform meaning.

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In addition, we have to take the factor of children into consideration. It cannot be excluded that there are certainly parts of children who are far away from talent and intelligence. They are really hard to be shaped into the ones we hope them become. It means even if the most qualified teacher teach them with a uniform standard, they still would not draw at least a similar one more or less looks like the ego on the table. Unfortunately, they are not the ones who are easily shaped for making a better society.

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All of the three points above illustrate that it is very difficult to raise children to become what we hope them to be, the ones who can perfect our society. This is a formidable task but not unlikely be partially finished. It is still possible that we approach the final goal step by step, as long as we would improve education quality and teach individuals according to their aptitude.

Writing Feedback / GRE AW eassy_ all faculty should undertake professional work outside the campus [4]

Hi, this is a topic from GRE issue pool and the following is my statement. I am looking forward to any commentaries, suggestions, or revised works. Please feel free when you comment my work. I especially welcome any suggestions from native speakers. Thank you very much!!

50."In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."

1
Maybe requiring teachers to undertake professional work related to their study field is one of means to improve instruction quality. However, whether it is so effective that we transfer most attention from other traditional ways to this innovative way is still up for discussion. In addition, we cannot ignore the other question "whether the above general method is suitable for ALL faculties from the very different study fields?"

2
It is widely accepted that the final aim of education is to shape students into ones, who can play reliable roles in the society. For this concern, some people advocate that if we encourage teachers, especially faculty in college, to undertake professional work related to their own study field outside the academic world, it would be very useful for improving education quality. They also claim that faculty will introduce the real experience from their practical work to students; it is this kind of experience that makes what they teach become more impressive, thereby more acceptable. However, we cannot ignore the fact that the effectiveness and efficiency of this innovative method have not been proved completely. What happens if the faculties spend the time for professional work on improving their speech skill, or thinking of how to improve the communication with students, or just reading more professional books to improve their academic achievement? If it cannot be proved that undertaking professional work is more worthy than the above ways--which are obviously more available for faculties--I have to say, it is too hasty to encourage teachers to make great efforts to begin new work setting aside their primary work.

3
In addition, it is so absolute to require ALL faculties to begin their career off campus. We have to consider the fact that they come from distinct fields, and the likelihood that they successfully find out suitable work outside the academic world. Here is a real example. The research group I joined in focuses on the research of IGF (insulin-like growth factors), one key protein that play important role in growth and development of vertebrates. What we conduct belongs to the research field of fundamental biomedicine, which means our research fruits cannot be used for curing diseases directly. The principal investigator in our laboratory is the authority of this field in the world. His academic achievement and teaching performance are widely praised. However, I believe that requiring him to find out a suitable position outside the academic world is almost impossible. None of hospitals prefer a fundamental biomedicine researcher to undertake clinical work. If so, it must be catastrophic. Likewise, very few biotechnology companies are willing to pay high salary to hire him as technical director. Because what he achieved is in theory level, but these companies just purely focus on improvement technologically. The above example illustrates the point that not all of faculities are necessarily required to undertake off-campus work. The decision largely depends on the characteristic of individual study field and some more actual factors.

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On the other hand, for particular faculty groups, owning professional work is so essential that this behavior is naturally conducted without any encouragement or requirement. My painting instructor belongs to such a particular group. She has full-time job in my high school and instructs the students who have extra demands for improving painting skills, like me. Besides, she is also a professional artist. She opens up individual picture show to exhibit her paintings and sales parts of them. Another example like her is the teacher for "Chinese art appreciation" in my college. As a professor in School of arts, she is also a distinguished violinist in Qingdao Orchestra, one of the top orchestras in China. The teaching work and professional work off campus are almost parallel for both of them. The two parts constitute their integrated career. Their students get great benefits from their experiences in professional work. This behavior for the special groups of teachers is popular in many schools and colleges all over the world. The particularity depends on their special teaching field. In other words, the real knowledge they deliver to students must be accompanied with practical experiences as well as purely academic things.

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Consequently, when it comes to solve the problem in the statement, the first question we should consider is "whether require faculty to undertake professional work outside the academic world is actually more effective and efficient than other ways to improve instruction quality?" Meanwhile, the specificity of each teaching field should be more emphasized. Not ALL faculties need to begin separated career off campus, the decision largely depends on what they teach.