Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

Thank you very much for our help. It is much appreciated!

-Kayla

Graduate / Peace Corps Application Essays: Motivation and Cultural Experience [4]

I really liked your voice in your first essay, but I was a little concerned with the message that you presented. It seemed to me that you spent the second half of your essay explaining why the Peace Corp would be beneficial to you at this time, and when deployment would be most convenient for you...but you also said that it would be selfless. To me, this shows a lack of flexibility, which is one of the key things recruiters are looking for when making nominations. I understand what you are trying to say, but I would suggest approaching it in a way that makes you appear more flexible to the experience.

Graduate / Peace Corps Application Essays: Motivation and Cultural Experience [4]

I love love love hearing about the traveling experiences of others, and envy your experiences. I'm glad that you didn't go with a stereotypical situation, but I don't think that this essay really answers the prompt. You just talked about how the experience was, but didn't talk about how you modified yourself, or what efforts you exerted, to be a part of the community. You also invalidated the experience you have traveling, which is what you said was your most valuable experience in your last essay. You have to be careful to be consistent. I'm not really sure this example would be the best choice for you.

Here is a suggestion for an outline:

Paragraph 1: Start with an intro (what led you to the experience, introduce what the experience was)

Paragraph 2: Go into more depth about the particular experience (give background and explain the environment, and say how you decided to approach it is a positive way and saw it as an opportunity to expand your horizons)

Paragraph 3: Talk about what you did. (Did do personal research, learn from the actions of others, join in the community in some aspect?) Also, talk about how this changed your perspective, and what ways did modifying yourself make a positive impact on the community.

Paragraph 4: What was the overall lesson you learned. How will you apply that to your time as a Peace Corps Volunteer.

Hopefully an appropriate experience will jump out at you while looking at this outline, whether is comes from the Army base, or another experience. You could even pull from something like eating in a restaurant, going shopping, or attending an event during one of your travels. Anything could apply. I wish I could give you a suggestion, but I don't know your background.

Good luck, and let me know if you need anymore help. I know you'll do great! :)

Undergraduate / "living in a third world country" - significant experience [9]

You are a very engaging writer, and I really enjoyed reading your essay. I have a few suggestions that I think may be helpful:

1) You essay talks about two different experiences, but the prompt only asks for one. I can understand that you may have discussed two to go above and beyond, but I think that going into more depth about just one experience would be more beneficial to you. Having worked in a college Admissions office, I would recommend that you go with your experience in Nicaragua. I don't mean to invalidate your experience, I just think that it will help you stand out during the admissions process. They love people with abroad experience!

2) I would choose a theme. You talk about two in this essay: appreciating the blessings you have, and perseverance. In this case, you could choose either one, but I would suggest go with appreciating your blessings and close the theme with a commitment to action (so the theme goes together. Here is an example:

Paragraph one: Explain that, with a background of volunteerism, you are always looking for ways to give back to your community. You were presented got an opportunity to go to on a mission Nicaragua and, never one to let an opportunity pass you by, you decided to go. You didn't know what to expect, but you went with a positive attitude.

Paragraph two: When you arrived, one thing that struck you was the positive attitude of the children, and their ability to radiate positivity in the face of adversity.

Paragraph three: Though you initially went to help the children in the orphanage, they ended up being the one's to help you. You learned to appreciate more of the blessings and privileges in your life. You will bring this openness and willingness to learn from the perspective of others to your undergraduate studies.

I don't know if that's what you were going for, but you want it come full circle, make relevant to your application, and express what action you will take as a result of your experience. It expresses to the admissions counselors that you are a proactive and progressive thinker. Also, I would use the term "developing nation" instead of "third world country," as it is more politically correct.

I don't mean to high-jack your essay, these are merely suggestions. I'm actually in the process of writing my Peace Corps admissions essays, so I'm in essay writing mode right now. It sounds like the mission that you went on had a big impact, and I wish you luck in your future endeavors! :)

Undergraduate / "my parent's life story" - influential persons, common app personal statement essay [8]

Hi Melinda-

I think I have identified the foundation of confusion in this essay--you have two themes. You open with the concept of not being defined by your appearances, then explore an entirely separate theme of the American Dream. It seems that you are most passionate about the second theme, so I would ditch the intro to your essay. Also, I think you are a great writer, but you will need to cut some of the imagery for the sake of word limitations (I'll let you decide which ones).

The American Dream: Having grown up as a first generation child from an immigrant parent, and being a first generation college student, I can relate with the story that you are telling. However, I agree with your conclusion that the focus strays, and it become more about your parent's journey than your own. Having previously worked in an admissions office, I have seen a lot of essays with a similar story, but most of them express that they want to go to college to make a better life for their parents. That is why I really appreciated what you said in the beginning about your future being in your own hands. I think that distinction will be your greatest strength in this essay.

Here's a suggestion of how you can organize your essay:

Intro: While many first generation children receive pressure from their parents to go to school, make money, and support them, your parent's put your decision for your future in your hands...though they encouraged pursuing an education at a young age.

Body 1: It was at a young age that your parents told you the story of how they came to live in the U.S. (insert very brief and concise story, more of the focus seems to be on your father). You felt empowered by his perseverance, and you vowed to make the best use of the privileges that your parent's made sacrifices to provide for you.

Body 2: Over the years, you showed your perseverance and dedication through_______ (you can insert examples like sports, doing well in school, leadership activities, personal relationships--keep them simple and to the point).

Body 3: This dedication through life has made you a stronger person. Confident. Able to roll with the punches...other such personal qualities. Has prepared you to take on new challenges. You want to bring this dedication to your next step in life--your undergraduate education.

Conclusion: Like your parents, you want to use your privileges to reach your full potential...but you also want to pay it forward and help others and pursue a career in ____.

This is just an idea to keep you on track, relate what your saying to your ultimate goals, and keep it about yourself. I don't know you personally, so you can take this with a grain of salt. You already have most of the content there, I think it's just about rearranging, cutting out some of the unnecessary flowery language, and sticking to one theme. Good luck, and let me know if you need anymore help!

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Hi there-

Thank you for your suggestions. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it!

I'm not sure I agree about taking out the sentence in the third paragraph. I didn't mean a "safe space" in the literal sense--I'm not sure if you are aware of the concept of "safe space" in relation to resource and outreach environments, but it's something that I feel is important in incorporating in my essay.

Also, I know that the conclusion isn't especially strong, and I was wondering if you had any specific suggestions for a final sentence. I left it a little barren because I wanted to brainstorm a way to end it that was not too cheesy. Haha!

Thanks.

-Kayla

Undergraduate / "my dad is Superman" - about someone who has made an impact on your life [7]

Hi Suzanna-

I really enjoyed reading you essay. You are great at expressing imagery, and I really felt the admiration and love that you feel for your dad. Because this is an admissions essay for undergrad, I don't think you took too informal of an approach. On that note, I do think that it may need a little restructuring and polishing. You have everything here you want to say, I'd just rearrange it to be more chronological for his life. I also think that you might want to put a little more focus on how you have taken the qualities of your father and applied them in your own life.

Also, I would change talking about the sacrifices he made for you to talking about how he overcame struggles in his life, since you never actually refer to what these "sacrifices" are in your essay. Just for the purpose of sticking to the theme.

Overall, a great essay...just needs some finesse. You don't have to agree with all of my suggestions. Having worked in an admissions office, and read through applications myself, I just think it's best to be more straightforward and to the point in your essay. They have to read a lot, so you want to keep the theme something that they will quickly grasp and remember. Your relationship with your dad is very inspiring! Good luck :)

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Thank you. Mike and Ershad. It truly is harder to write then edit! hahaha.

I don't want to be too cheesy, but I also want to make sure that my final sentence is proactive and progressive. I don't want to end on a note that implies that I am only applying to the peace corps for a challenge. I guess I'm trying to say that I went to Boston for a challenge, but I ended up being inspired, and I wanted to carry that inspiration with me.

Ugh. It's always the first or last sentence that holds you up! LOL.

I'll work on it today. Thanks again for all the input. You two gave me a lot to think about :)

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

That's quite a compliment, Mark...but I think you're giving me too much credit ;)

Thanks for all your input! I plan on submitting my application by Tuesday. Hopefully a final sentence will come to me randomly while I'm eating cereal or something. I'll cross my fingers!

Undergraduate / "living in a third world country" - significant experience [9]

If you want, you post your revised draft on here so that you can get more feedback :)

Undergraduate / "my parent's life story" - influential persons, common app personal statement essay [8]

Honestly, I think that if you try out that outline, and structure it around yourself, you'll be fine. Just make sure to put a lot of emphasis on Body 2 &3 (including your hobbies, etc.), and keep the story of your dad brief.

From reading your essay, this is obviously what inspires you the most, and what you are most passionate about. I found it really touching, and I think the admissions office will, too. As long as you approach this essay as a means of telling what inspired you, and how you have applied it--rather than a "sob story" angle--it will come out very honest. People can relate to stories like this, where someone has inspired them. You don't have to compromise your topic, you just need to take another approach.

Try restructuring with the new outline, and post that draft back up on here. I promise to come back and take a look at it :)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class! [13]

Hi Amber-

I know you said that this was more of a final draft, but I think that there a lot of sentences here that are very repetitive. By incorporating a larger variety of word choices, fixing some awkward sentences, and taking out those unnecessary sentences, I believe that your message will be a little more clear. I see the admiration you have for your partner, and I really hear your voice here. If you would like, you should put up a revised draft so we can take another look.

Please note that all of these are suggestions, and are to be taken with a grain of salt. Good luck!

When I wasGrowing up, I found it very difficult to find an individual worthy enough to look up too . (Why is this? This statement kind of floats by itself. You should follow it with a sort explanation, or cut out the sentence all together). Many times, I have realized that there is always a person who is accredited for the success of another. Through the many people I have encountered in my life, there is only one I can truthfully state who has made an importance influence on myself today. My significant other, who is my best friend as well as my loved one, has greatly impacted my life. Through him, I have learned to become a better and more responsible person.

Since my partner came into my life, I have changed in a way that I never thought possible. On different occasions, I find myself learning from him everyday and, even if it is the slightest lesson, it has a great impact (this is a repeat word, you should find a synonym to put here) on me. For example, he is a very calm and stress free individual. and on the other hand I am the total oppositeThis is a quality that I do not naturally posses. As time has passedpasses, I have learnedlearn from his ways, and I began to make a positive changesand adapt to becominge a calm and stress less more relaxed(I would take out "calm and stress less" because it is repetitive) individual. This is very important because I believe that by learning this important trait;, I have made significant steps to becoming a better individual.

Becoming a calm and stress free individual(again, repetitive)Helping me to relieve unnecessary stress in my lifewasn'tisn't the only thing he has impacted my life on ("impact is repetitive) influence he has had. Since being together, school has always been a number one priority but as we have been getting older it really has become important to me.(I think the next few sentences get the point across just fine, so this sentence is unnecessary) Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled in me. Before my bad habits of procrastination used to get the best of me, but through him I am no longer that individual. My partner constantly states how vital it is to become someone in life andby obtaining a higher form of education withand pursuing a career of my choice is important . Not only does he remind me of the importance of my education and career path,heSubsequently, he is very supportsive in my decision to become an elementary school teacher. With his support, I feel that I can accomplish my future goals in life. At times when I feel that I can't do something, he lets me know that I can and to keep striving for the top.He has taught me the importance of getting things done in a timely matter and now I enjoy getting assignments done early.

In addition to what I have mentioned about, he has impacted my life by making (you use "impact" again) helped me a to be a very [b]more outspoken and opinionated individual. Before, I wasused to be a very shy individual and I never even liked presenting in a group of people, but now I enjoy it. My partner knowsstresses the importance of stating what is on your mind in the moment and, because if you miss your chance to talk, you may never get that opportunity again. Sometimes, I never used to get a chance to state my mind but now he has made me grow out of that stage.(this is another sentence that just repeats what you already said) I have become very fortunate to have broken that habit. becauseSpeaking publicly is not only an essential part of life,but vital for the career choice I am determined to accomplish.

Thanks to my significant other, my partner, as well as my best friend(this is structured in an awkward way) I am a changed person. Through his positive influence I have become the individual I always knew I was set out to be, I just needed a little push. Becoming a responsible, outspoken, and stress free individual is the way to be and take on the world of adult hood (this is an awkward sentence). I am eternally grateful to have learned so much from him, and I hope that I have made an impact on my partner as well. I now conclude that my life has turned around for the better and for that I have great admiration for my partner.(this is another repeat sentence)

Undergraduate / "living in a third world country" - significant experience [9]

I agree that you should stick to one experience, but that is just a suggestion. If you do not feel comfortable doing that, that's alright...but I do think it would make your essay a lot stronger.

Undergraduate / My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class! [13]

Hi Amber-

Great job on this new draft! When you make a new draft, it sort of becomes a new essay Essays are always a work in progress (I'm writing one right now :-P), and I really admire your ability to go with the flow. I was getting a little lost as I was reading, so I tried something new. I switched a paragraph to make the content flow better, then added suggestions to polish that up a bit. This may be a little overwhelming, so let me explain:

Intro: I was never close to my family, and was worried I would never have support. Then I met my partner. He helps me become better, more confident person.

P2: He helped me to focus on relaxing.
P3: He helped me to speak my mind.
P4: Both of these things help me, along with my new study skills, to attain my goals.
Conclusion: I'm so glad he came into my life. I feel more confident and ready to take on the world.

It makes it more of a story of how he changed your life, then merely a list of examples. It also adds a theme to your essay: that everything he did increased your confidence, allowing you to change your own life. Take a look at this, and let me know what you think...

As someone who was not very close with their family, I had a difficult time identifying a role model in my life. (I just combined the following two sentences).Growing up, I found it very difficult to find an individual worthy enough to look up to. I have had a very hard time trying to be close to someone because I was never close to family or friends I have in my life.Many times, I have realized that there is always a person who is accredited for the success of another.(This is an awkward sentence, it makes a statement, but doesn't follow up. Try the following sentence.)Over the years, as I have watched my peers credit others for their road to success, I worried that I would never have that type of support in my life. It was not until my significant other, who is also my best friend, that I finally found someone to help me on the journey toward becoming a better, and more confident, person.Through the many people I have encountered in my life, there is only one I can truthfully state who has made an importance influence on myself today. My significant other, who is my best friend as well as my loved one, has greatly impacted my life. Through I learned to become a better and more responsible person.(I just tried to take what you said, and make it flow a little better)

Since my partner came into my life, I have changed in a way that I never thought possible. On different occasions,(since you say "everyday" in the next sentence, you don't need to preface it) I find myself learning from him everyday and, even if it is the slightest lesson, it has a great significance onto me. For example, though I do not posses this quality, he is a very calm and stress free individual. Naturally, I do not posses this type of quality. As time passes, I learn from his ways, and make positive changes to become a more relaxed.individual(you said "individual" in the last sentence, be careful not to be repetitive). I believe that by learning this trait, I have made significant steps to becoming a better individual.(I took out this sentence because it repeats what you already said. when you conclude a paragraph, you don't always have to write a "conclusion sentence," just end with a sentence that transitions into the next paragraph)

Assisting me to relieve undesirable stress in my life is not thehis only positive influence he has had . I used to be a very shy individual[b], and I neverdisliked presenting my opinions (i added this because you say your partner talks about stating your mind. this means opinions, not just schools presentations.) in front of a group of people but now, I enjoy it . My partner stresses the importance of stating what is on your mind,cautioning thatin the moment and if you miss your chance to talk, you may never get that opportunity again. I have become very fortunate to have broken that habit, and now I enjoying speaking in front of others. Speaking publicly is not only an essential part of life, but vital for the career choice I am determined to accomplish. (this sentence will tie in to the next paragraph)

By become more relaxed in the face of stress, and gaining more confidence in my own voice, I have been able to focus more on the priorities in my life.I would love to pursue my goal of going to college tobecome an elementary school teacher. My partner constantly states how vital it is to become someone in life by obtaining a higher form of education, and to pursuinge a career of my choice is important . Since he began studying for his future career, his study habits have been instilled into me. Before my bad habits ofProcrastination used to get the best of me, but through him(you already made it clear that this was a result of his influence)I am no longer that individual. (you already say "vital" in the sentence, so "is important" is a repeat)Respectively, he is very supportive of my decision to become an elementary school teacher.(mentioned earlier) With his support, I feel that I can accomplish my future goals in life endeavors ("Goals" is in the second sentence, so i"m adding word variety).

My admiration for him has not only made me who I am, defined who I was set out to become in the future. Thanks to the influence of my partner, I never want to go back to being the old individual I once was. In fact, I know that his significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever and for that, I am eternally grateful. Like I said, one can always accredit others for their success in life, and I know who I will designate my accomplishments to in the future.This entire paragraph is repetitive, and the last sentence would no longer be relevant if you change the intro. I like some of the stuff you had in your old conclusion, so draw from that...

Since I have been with my partner, I have become a better version of myself, and finally feel that my greatest potential is withing reach. By complimenting my best qualities, and influencing me to conquer my challenges, he has instilled a confidence in me that I otherwise would not have had. His significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful.

If you want to try this new structure out, put the new draft up so we can see how it works. Good luck! :)

Undergraduate / "my dad is Superman" - about someone who has made an impact on your life [7]

I agree. That is why I suggested that you focus more on your admiration for his perseverance (since you explained more about that), than his actual sacrifices for you (since there are no examples of that). Like Rey said, you might want to also elaborate on your dad's struggles a little, just zo we can feel more connected as readers.

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely go back and take a look at that stuff! :)

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

I wrote a revised draft. Let me know what you think...

Since my undergraduate experience, I have been embarking on a long and enlightening journey of self discovery and identity development. The more research I do, both on a personal and scholastic level, the more socially conscious I become. As my knowledge about the experiences and struggles of others increase, so does my realization about the privileges I have been bestowed. Subsequently, I developed a sense of social responsibility, which I perceive to be a blessing. A firm believer that one is either part of the solution or part of the problem, I see being a Peace Corps volunteer as a step in the right direction toward contribution to social change.

The first step toward making a difference has been stripping away my prejudices, and opening up to what others are willing to teach me. As stated in the Core Expectations for Volunteers, I am ready to immerse myself in the culture of others. Surpassing the "us" and "them" mentality, I will make the commitment to live and work abroad while exchanging stories and skills with the local residents. I want to understand the unique fundamental concerns that need to be addressed from the best possible source-the people who experience them everyday. From understanding comes awareness, and awareness breeds activism.

Though I anticipate it may be difficult adapting to new living conditions, which is the third of the Core Expectations for Volunteers, my motivations take priority over any desire to avoid discomfort. I pride myself in my ability to maintain a positive and professional view of myself and others, and trust that the vulnerability of being outside of my comfort zone will help me create respectful and multilateral relationships with those around me.

I have a deep passion and desire to help others, which is reflected in my experiences, but I do not fit the mold of the "traditional" role of a grassroots activist. The Peace Corps mission gives me a sense of empowerment in this regard through the presentation of multifaceted opportunities, embracing contributions from all walks of life.

It is impossible to anticipate the experiences that serving as a Peace Corps volunteer will bring. What I do know, however, is that I will return with a greater consciousness and a more global perspective. The influential medical researcher, Alan Gregg, put it best saying, "A good education should leave much to be desired." Upon my return, I plan to pursue my desire by attending law school and applying what I have learned as I enter public service.

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

Hi Rayban11-

Thank you so much for your comments. I have been obsessing over this essay for weeks, so I really appreciate it! I am also very flattered that you would like me to take a look at your essay. I wonder, which essay is it that you say my commentary on?

I would be more than happy to offer to take a look. Is it the essay entitled "Trying and Learning New Things"?

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Hi Kevin-

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my essay. I have been struggling with selecting an overarching theme because it is so similar to my first Peace Corps application essay, so it's really helpful. I'm gonna go back and take another look at it, then re-post a new draft in the next few days. Thanks again!

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

Hi Ershad-

I always appreciate feedback, no matter what. In regard to "identity development," it is also a concept (like "safe space"). It usually starts in childhood, and continues through adulthood...it's a constant process. There are a lot of theories about it, so it can be complicated to explain.

As far as journey vs. path. I though about putting the word "path" in there, but I'm not really sure what the path for me is. To me, a path is something that is already constructed, and guides you on your way. I don't really have that. I dunno. It didn't really feel appropriate for my situation. I see where you're coming from, though.

In my essay, I meant that I discover myself through my research and experiences...and some of those discoveries were my social consciousness, my desire to help others, and my goal to contribute to social change. Maybe that's not especially clear?

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

Hi Ershad-

I appreciate you you being so diligent with your feedback. However, I would feel more comfortable leaving those terms in. I could really use more assistance on my second essay if you have the time. Thanks!

-Kayla

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina,

Would you mind me asking what this essay is for? Is there a prompt for this with more description? Once I understand what you are trying to accomplish, I can offer you some help. Thanks!

-Kayla

Undergraduate / My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class! [13]

Hi Amber-

This looks wonderful!!! I would just add a comma (noted below). Also, I think you're right about the conclusion. I'd suggest you focus it more on how you are grateful for his influence, and will apply it to your time at U of M. I wrote a suggestion below. Feel free to change it in a way that best suites you:

Assisting me to relieve undesirable stress in my life is not his only positive influence. I used to be a very shy individual, (comma) and I disliked presenting my opinions in front of a group of people.

Since I have been with my partner, I have finally become the person that I wanted to be, and through his influence I am a better individual. By becoming a relaxed, responsible and focused being my goals seem to be within reach. His significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful.

My partner's significance in my life will stay marked in my heart forever, and for that I am eternally grateful. With this new found confidence in myself, my goals finally seem to be within my reach, and I feel ready to take on new and exciting challenges. By applying the positive traits I have learned from him, I am confident in my ability to be successful student at the University of Miami.

Your essay has come really far, and looks really great. After you finish this draft, I would suggest that you do a side-by-side comparison of the first and final drafts. Taking the time to admire your progress, and making sure that you have not lost your voice in the revisions, is a great final step to take. Great job, and let me know how it all turns out! :)

Undergraduate / "My sister and her recovery" - person who made an impact, Apply Texas Essay Topic A [4]

Hi Akshay-

This is a beautiful story, and I really appreciate you sharing it with me. I actually see a theme in this essay--you admire our sister because of her perseverance. I also love how you made it chronological. A lot of essays I read for this topic are sort of all over the place. To bring this out, I'd restructure it a little bit. Here a suggestion:

Intro: The person I most impact on me is my sister. Her perseverance through challenges in her life are very inspirational.

Body1: Describe how your sister started out as a "academically gifted, prodigy child" going to an advanced high school, and dedicating herself to her studies, and how that inspired you to do so as well.

Body 2: Talk about how her situation changed, and you, being younger, were confused...and you watched her change. She wasn't the same person, but you still saw the same quality in her as she began to battle her diagnosis.

Body 3: Your sister got treatment, and is making a successful recovery. She has inspired you to conquer any adversity that you have faced, though they may be on a smaller scale (insert examples here).

Conclusion: Though her situation changed, your sister never gave up. This is an influence that you will carry with you throughout your life, and believe that this quality will help you successfully pursue a degree in ________ (insert major here) at _________(insert school name here).

By restructuring it like this, you get the opportunity to talk about your sister, as well as how you have applied her influence to better yourself. It also expresses that this is something that you will continue to apply to your life. Why don't you try this outline, then post another draft so we can take a look. Great job, and good luck! :)

-Kayla

Undergraduate / My partner, as well as my best friend (significant person) my English 4 Honors Class! [13]

Amber, this looks great. Your essay has come really far, and you should feel confident turning it in! I'm excited to hear the result of your hard work. God luck :)

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina-

I think it would be a little more helpful if you could tell us the exact directions our teacher gave you. Can you tell us word for word what the instructions are? Did she ask you "Write an essay about the benefits of exercise"? Your paragraph has a lot of things in it, and I want you to be able to answer the question asked of you, but I can't do that without knowing what your instructions were. Thanks!

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Here's a new conclusion paragraph. Any suggestions?

I came to Boston for a challenge, and that is exactly what I got. Working at Fenway Health was initially overwhelming, but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt, and actively contribute to, this new cultural environment. This invaluable experience has instilled in me the confidence to reach out to a world outside of my studies, personal identities, and community. I will channel this positive approach throughout my ventures as a Peace Corps volunteer.

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Thanks for the input, Mark. I found the suggestions in a few areas on sentence structure and word choice to be helpful during this process. In regard to my conclusion, I think that I did find previous feedback to be helpful at first because I was not sure what I wanted to say. After regrouping, however, I think I have come up with something that fits better into my essay. Thanks again for the support.

-Kayla