Posts by MJA

MJA

Sep 27, 2010

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

Hello everyone, below is the first draft of my SOP.

The necessity of changing attitudes to foster positive relationships for the future.

Iran has the potential to be Americas greatest ally in the Middle East and South East Asia. A country at the cross roads of these extremely important and troubled regions, Iran shares many of Americas security concerns in a very tangible sense. However, the intense war of words and overwhelming mistrust finds both countries speaking past each other instead of with each other. With a population of 70 million highly literate people Iran's population is young, educated, talented and most of all ready to interact with the world in a very real way. Our current regime of punishment and saber rattling only serves to help the autocratic regime in Tehran maintain a tight grip on power by suppressing the moderate, progressive majority in its society.

First and second generation Iranian-Americans have a unique ability to work past the Iranian government and interact directly with the people by visiting Iran, understanding the people and using these experiences to develop new, more positive policy alternatives. In addition to being the son of an Iranian immigrant, I am an American who whole-heartedly believes in democracy, freedom and the potentially good force Americans can play in the world. There is a strong desire in me to try to bridge the gulf between my country and the country of my family. Additionally, the ubiquity and accessibility of global communications and the rapid popularization of new media has opened a vast marketplace of ideas and understanding unknown only a decade ago. Armed with a greater knowledge of the Middle East, its history, geopolitics and relationship with the west, I hope to find means of mutual communication and cooperation.

I currently hold a BA in digital media and I hope to attain a second one in Middle Eastern studies and then pursue a graduate education in Middle Eastern studies and journalism. Having traveled to Iran many times I have arrived at the belief that there is a genuine desire for understanding and using new media there is a profound opportunity to communicate ideas. There also seems to be a narrow interest about the middle east in the younger generation of Iranian-Americans, an interest I would like to see expanded through new technologies and social forums. Iran's disenfranchised youth is looking for an outlet, we only need to reach out and seize this opportunity to see that we are all searching for the same thing; life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

MJA

Sep 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

Thank you, Radwa. I always miss the little things. My main concern is that my essay is well structured and conveys a cohesive idea, as well as fulfills the requirements of a statement of purpose.

MJA

Jan 10, 2011

Undergraduate / Ignorance and xenophobia, U of C Supplement, Dissolved and Solvent [13]

I like the theme of your essay as illegal immigration has been a hot button issue in every election cycle I can remember. However, I'm afraid that you are coming off a little too strong. Latino/hispanic culture is very well represented in the United States, most especially in the south and large urban centers. Your core argument that Americas refuse to accept other cultures because they are ignorant or scared will be a hard sell. I also believe it is a bad idea to attack the culture/people that the reviewers are likely to be.

In the middle of your essay you made a great point about how the media represents minorities and the need for more positive depictions. You may try to carry this idea forward, but try to approach it from a more positive angle. Talk about the positive trend that show a larger percentage of minorities dissolving barriers and portraying more positive roles in the media. Then follow with the importance of cultivating younger generations to continue this trend. There are many examples in the Indian-American, Latin/hispanic-American and especially the Jewish-American communities. Stay away from hot button issues and like I said before, keep it positive.

You have great writing style that really keeps the the energy flowing through your essay. Keep it up!

Here are few technical mistakes I found:
In the third sentence of the first paragraph I think you meant to use assistance instead of assisting.
In the second sentence of the third paragraph emerged should be immersed.
In the seventh sentence of the third paragraph disclose should be disclosed. In the same sentence you might try saying "people for whom I have the greatest esteem".

The word retribution carries a connotation of punishment, maybe a better word would be condemnation.
In the second to last sentence of the fourth paragraph enlighten should be enlightening.
In the fifth paragraph solvent should be solution. You may try including this sentence into the following paragraph.
In the third sentence of the last paragraph particularity should probably be particular person.

There are many run on sentences and a few sentence fragments in this essay. You should take some time to tighten up you paragraphs a bit.

MJA

Jan 10, 2011

Undergraduate / "I didn't choose Photography, Photography chose me"- F.I.T ESSAY [4]

Starting with a personal story is a great start, especially if you are talking about your passion. Personal stories really help readers connect to your essay and maintain interest. You can delve into the more boring academic parts later. Please post your essay prompt so I can get a better idea of where your essay might go.

MJA

Jan 11, 2011

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

It appears my new thread was merged with a previously closed thread and the latest revision wasn't carried over.

Below is my essay:

Stepping out of Mehrabad Airport into the Tehran night is one of my most vivid childhood memories. Outside the airport were throngs of mustachioed men yelling "Taxi? Taxi!", their fleet of old Paykans lining the curb and choking the parking lot. The air was warm, dry and smelled of car exhaust. Two of my uncles had ushered my siblings and I out of the airport, through the crowd of taxi drivers and into a small group of men and chador covered women. Their enthusiasm was electric. We were passed around exchanging hugs and kisses as my father introduced everyone, a family that until this moment I had never met.

Growing up I knew I was Iranian, my dad was born in Iran and my mom is half American and half Iranian, but my heritage was an abstract notion that never factored into my identity as a child. Iran was a faraway land and my family were just photographs. After my first trip in 1991 I became aware of what it was to be Iranian and became proud of my cultural history. We traveled from Shiraz in the south to Tabriz in the north and almost everywhere in between. I had never stepped foot in so ancient a land nor had I experienced history in such a concrete and tangible way. Before beginning college in 2000 I had only traveled to Iran twice and being Iranian had only interested me as it related to my identity as a person. A third visit in 2002 awoke in me a desire to understand more about Iran's culture and sociopolitical environment. Against the backdrop of the Iraq War and the inclusion of Iran in George W. Bush's "Axis of Evil", I felt compelled to understand more about Iran and its relationship with the West. I needed to understand the animosity between my home and my heritage.

In 2005 I completed a BA in Digital Media and moved into the workforce. While I had originally planned on pursuing an MFA, my attention had shifted from art to Iran and the Middle East as whole. During the last five years I have spent a lot of my spare time reading books on Middle Eastern history and it's complicated relations with the world. Lunch breaks at work are filled with reading blogs and op-eds from members of the foreign policy establishment and my conversations with people always lead to Middle Eastern politics and history. After much internal debate I have decided to abandon an MFA and pursue my real passion. The road to a Master's in Middle Eastern Studies will be long and requires many prerequisites, but it is a path that I am wholeheartedly committed to.

As an avid photographer I appreciate the capacity that new media has to distribute images and ideas to encourage greater communication between peoples. By following through with a more formal education on the Middle East I hope to gain a better understanding of how I can use my photography to bridge the gaps that divide our people. This more formal knowledge will enable me to better navigate through the region and ensure that the messages I hope to exchange are accurate and positive.

Thanks for the help,

MJA

Jan 11, 2011

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose - Middle Eastern Studies - University of Texas [8]

Eric, your comments were very helpful. Thanks for reading my essay.

MJA

Jan 12, 2011

Undergraduate / Entertainment, movies, music - SOP for Journalism Rough Draft [4]

Great intro, it personal and engaging.

I traveled all across the island, taking in shows, performances, movies and theater.

What is the difference between all of these?

But as time wore on, I realized I hadn't chosen a career, I had chosen a job that I didn't even like doing that turned into a living.

This sentence feels too long and awkward, maybe try to break it into two.

But as time wore on, I realized I hadn't chosen a career, I had chosen a job. An unsatisfying job that turned into a living.

I had to ask myself, if I were to quit my job right now, what would I be qualified to do instead? The depressing answer, unfortunately, was "nothing."

This is a really strong statement, it adds a lot of personal meaning to your essay. Instead of saying "if I were to quit my job" say "if I were to get fired from my job", you don't want the reviewer to think about your quitting.

I like your final paragraph, however, you may want to expand upon it. Maybe give brief examples about how work has helped you improve and why you think this trend will continue.

This is a solid effort Ethan, great job!

MJA

Jan 12, 2011

Undergraduate / A person of impact - My conductor [8]

Hey Van, great intro. It is full of excellent imagery and flows very well into the next paragraph.

However, during my childhood and teenage years, I have always hated music.

Change have to had, the tense doesn't match the beginning of the sentence. Maybe try removing "have always" and keep it simple.

However, during my younger years I hated music.

Everyday , he reminded us that a good musician follows the score, but a better musician follows the conductor and anticipates the music. He also taught us to put thought behind every breath and every sound.

Your tense doesn't match up again. I also tried to tighten it up a bit. They are great sentences but felt a bit awkward.

Once I changed my attitude, I started to notice the trumpets' majestic fanfares and the French horns' mellow timbre; I marveled at the intricate weavings of melodies and harmonies, beginning to gain an appreciation for the works of composers and conductors.

Consider breaking this sentence up.

Once I changed my attitude, I started to notice the trumpets' majestic fanfares and the French horns' mellow timbre. I marveled at the intricate weavings of melodies and harmonies and began to gain an appreciation for the works of composers and conductors.

Although I am no longer in Mr. JKL's "Spartan" class, I carry his tenets with me as I try to adapt to a new band, committed to playing with the same dedication and passion he had taught me.

You have some work to do with your tenses, but otherwise I think this a great essay. By the way the abbreviation of your conductors name, Mr. JKL, makes me think of Dr. Jekyll. I couldn't help but snicker every time.

Good luck.

MJA

Jan 18, 2011

Undergraduate / Bridging the gaps between America and Iran - Topic E - University of Texas [4]

Hey everyone,
Here is my second required essay. I need help tying it together at the end. Any suggestions or critiques are greatly appreciated.

Prompt:

Personal Essay: Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Negative portrayals, so commonplace with the political and media elites in Iran and America, have resulted in unbridled animosity shared by the population of both countries. This negative rhetoric is mostly based on cultural misunderstandings, false assumptions or simple malevolent intent. The actions of both governments over the last 60 years has contributed to their poisonous relationship. This conflict puts Americans of Iranian descent in a sensitive position. While America is our home, most of us have extensive familial ties to Iran. It is my aim to use digital media to help overcome these feelings and foster more positive perceptions between the people of both countries.

Overwhelmingly harmful actions between America and Iran have created an atmosphere of distrust and hostility. American actions such as the overthrow of the democratically elected Mohammad Mossadegh in 1953, including Iran in the "Axis of Evil," and the tactic support some politicians give to the Mujahideen-e Khalq terrorist group have logically led the Iranians to view American overtures as suspect. Far from being the victim, Iran's own actions such as the Iran Hostage Crisis of the early 1980s, support for Hamas and Hezbollah, and anti-American rhetoric spilling out of Tehran have sown fear in the minds of many Americans. This atmosphere of hostility and suspicion has produced three decades of failed policy and missed opportunities at rapprochement by both countries.

This divide creates a lot of conflict for many Iranian-Americans. When discussing my heritage with Americans, I feel the need represent a more balanced view of Iran to a society that holds deep-rooted apprehensions toward the Islamic Republic. Conversely, while visiting Iran, I try to show that American life is much more similar to Iranian life than many would believe. These similarities are especially visible among young people whose primary concerns are universally shared. I believe, as someone who can easily cross the cultural gap, I have a greater ability to represent a more realistic and positive portrayal of the lives of ordinary citizens.

The rapid popularization of new media, brought about by the ubiquitous accessibility of global communications, has opened a vast marketplace of ideas and cultural exchange unknown only a decade ago. Current events can be transmitted, almost instantly, around the world, allowing people far removed to feel connections to places and events they will never witness fist hand. This new technology provides a great medium for me to share my experiences with a global audience. One where I can hopefully help people understand "They" are not so different from "Us."