Writing Feedback / TOELF Essay "Is it better for children to participate in team sports?" [4]

Hello everyone,

as I prepare for an upcoming TOEFL I try to improve my essay skills. However it is hard to improve without feedback. Thus I'd appreciate any comments and suggestions about the following essay :)

I wrote it in the 30 minutes exam settings so it is definitely not perfect. However I parsed this through a spellchecker afterwards.

David

The prompt was "Is it better for children to participate in team sports or individual sports? Why? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.".

"The issue at hand is the question whether team sports or individual sports are better for children. This is a crucial question because spare time activities greatly

influence the development of a child towards adulthood. I believe that team sports have a more positive impact on this development due to their social aspects and

inherent variety.

Firstly team sports are mostly games. Games represent several real life issues in a fun setting for children. Thus children can learn how to cope with issues such as

winning and losing very early. They will also understand that the sum might be greater than its parts which is an other important life lesson.

Furthermore children learn how to act in a social environment. In order to win a game of football for instance it is not enough to have good skills with the ball but

it takes communication and social skills. If children are engaged to practice these important skills in their early years they will be able to use them later on.

Therefore social interaction not only within their team but also with their opponents greatly improves their development.

Additionally many children simply enjoy playing with their friends. It is a good way of spending time with your fellows as well as great opportunity to get to know

new people. Team sports do not only improve the future but also the current social life of the children.

Finally team sports give children the possibility to find their role in a small community. For example American football offers the possibility for every child with

any combination of strengths and weaknesses to contribute to a team's victory. This represents a future role issue in society that children will face in their later

years.

To conclude, team sports are clearly superior to individual sports. I hold this believe because they teach children important lessons for their future life and

moreover make the current life more social and happy."

Writing Feedback / 'from the top of a skyscraper' - Small town or big city - TOEFL [4]

Hello everybody,

this is my second attempt to the TOEFL Essay format. I'd appreciate any comment and suggestion.

Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

The issue at hand is the question whether one likes to live in a big city or in a small town. The variety, atmosphere and anonymity are the reasons I prefer a big city as the place to live in.

Firstly, big cities attract big people. If you live in metropolitan area such as New York City, for instance, you might get used to see celebrities such as Woody Allen or Robbie Williams frequently. Moreover you can enjoy your favorite bands live in concert and attend great sport events such as World Championships. I love being able to support my home soccer team in matches against renowned international teams.

Beyond these special occasions big cities enhance your day to day life. There are new places to be discovered every day. For example I might stumble upon a great new Indian restaurant I have not noticed before. These chances of unexpected experiences increase my personal quality of life.

Additionally, a big city appeals to my aesthetic feelings. Seeing pulsating red and white traffic lights going up and down the roads from the top of a skyscraper is an unmissable pleasure. These views are inspirations for my own artistic works and add to the "big city lifestyle".

Finally, anonymity is a great characteristic of the life in a big city. If you have the crazy idea of walking backwards down the roads half-naked with nothing but a water-melon on your head then you should do it in a big city. Only there you can observe the funny and interesting reactions without the fear of being the target of laughter for the next decades. Thus a big city offers my creativity a space to grow.

To conclude, big cities are the places to live in. I hold this believe due to the pleasures that come out of the variety, art and anonymity a big city has to offer.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "Should students be required to attend classes?" [2]

Hello guys,

this is another attempt on the TOEFL format. Please feel free to comment.

Some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students. Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.

The issue at hand is whether it should be obligatory for university students to attend classes. This is an interesting question because it affects a great amount of students worldwide. Nonetheless there are various different policies regarding this topic. An important aspect might be whether one desires to optimize the learned knowledge or the amount of valuable experiences for the students. However, to my mind students should be free not to attend classes because it improves the quality of student life as well as their learning motivation and teaches important life skills.

Firstly, a liberal policy is very feasible. Checking for attendance requires a lot of bureaucracy. Especially for larger classes it is impossible to check for everybody to attend. So an optional attendance saves time and money.

Secondly, some students might learn better at home on their own, for instance, by reading the textbook. This problem occurs especially if the lecturer is lethargic. By letting students choose not to attend class you give them the opportunity to escape bad teaching. Thus they are able to save precious study time and dive into the course syllabus independently.

In addition, being free to stay away from classes improves flexibility and therefore quality of student life. Sometimes the wild party on Thursday night is too good to end already at midnight only because of a lecture on Friday in the morning. With a liberal policy students are able to postpone the learning to the afternoon which gives a feeling of freedom and improves time efficiency. Research has shown that the more satisfied the students are with those life aspects, the better they perform in academic areas.

Finally, psychology knows two types of motivation. There is intrinsic motivation which comes from your own mindset. And there is extrinsic motivation which comes from the praise and laud of other people. Intrinsic motivation is known to be much more desirable because it leads to better learning and well-being. However, in order to gain intrinsic motivation students need to become aware of their strengths and aims. By giving students the freedom to choose about class attendance they might rather be thinking about why they decided to study and learn to motivate themselves. These are crucial skills for the duration of their study and their whole life time.

To conclude, it is clear that going to classes should be optional for students. I hold this belief due to the improvement of students' current experience as well as the valuable skills and knowledge they obtain for their whole life afterwards.

Writing Feedback / "Problems with AIDS in poorer countries" - TOEFL Integrated Essay [4]

Hello guys,

today I practiced the TOEFL Integrated Essay.
First you get 3 minutes to read a short text passage. Afterwards you listen to a lecture, in which the lecturer might agree or disagree on the ideas of the text.

Then you have 20 minutes for the following task:
Summarize the points made in the lecture you just heard, explaining how they cast doubt on the contents of the reading. You may refer to the passage as you write.

I appreciate any feedback!

You can find the corresponding audio track here (just click on "play" on the left upper corner)

strictlyenglishusa.com/free-toefl-exercises/writing-materials/

For this essay I got the following reading passage.

AIDS is a disease that has killed millions of people all over the world. Most of the cases of AIDS in the world are in poorer countries where the people can't afford to buy the drugs that would help keep them alive and healthy. Many AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs) are trying to help the people in these developing countries get the health care they need to fight AIDS. AAGs are doing this in several ways.

First of all, they argue that the profits of these companies are too high and such high pricing is immoral in the face of such a devastating disease. AAGs believe that major drug companies should sell their AIDS medicines at a much lower cost so that AIDS patients who have very little money would not have to choose between buying their food or their medication.

Second, AAGs are trying to get governments to pay for AIDS drugs instead of individual people. In general, when buying in large quantities, the price goes down. Therefore, if a government bought enough medication for all the AIDS patients in its country, then the price per bottle of medication would be much lower than the price individuals currently pay when buying medication on their own.

Third, AAGs are beginning to encourage poor countries to make their own cheap versions of AIDS drugs, even though it is illegal to do so. If the drugs were made in the same country, this would not only reduce shipping costs, but it would also give many people jobs in these poorer countries.

An this is my essay.

The reading passage talks about the problems that AIDS causes in poorer countries and tells about several solutions that have been suggested by AIDS Advocacy Groups (AAGs). According to them drug companies should lower their prices, governments should pay for the drugs and poorer countries should start producing their own drugs. The lecturer, however, clearly casts doubt on the reading passage for the following reasons.

Firstly, the passage reads that high prices for AIDS drugs are not morally justifiable. In contrast, the lecturer states that drug companies face a tough market and thus need to set those prices in order to survive. Without the extra money, the lecturer continues, there would be no further investment leading to less money for the development of drugs. The lecturer clearly defies the idea that cutting prices helps fighting AIDS.

In addition, it is said in the passage that government could buy their citizens the necessary drugs. By the large quantities they would get a better price per unit of medication. On the other hand, the lecturer states that government of poor people are often poor themselves and hence can not afford the drugs. This argument is a valid point against the suggestion made in the passage.

Finally, it is written in the text that poor countries could start producing AIDS drugs in cheaper version. According to the text this not only save money but also reduce local unemployment. However, the lecturer states that cheap drug copies are more harm than good. Since there would possibly be no quality assurance and tainted chemicals might be used, infected people might get sick or killed by the use of these drugs. This argument given by the lecturer casts doubt on the argument given in the text.

To sum it up, the lecturer clearly defies the ideas that are proposed in the text by saying that companies can not cut costs, governments can not afford drugs and locally produced cheap copies are more another problem than a real solution.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "What single item would you take on a one year trip?" [3]

Hello guys,

an additional attempt towards the TOEFL setting. This time it is a description task.

Imagine that you are preparing for a trip. You plan to be away from your home for a year. In addition to clothing and personal care items, you can take one additional thing. What would you take and why? Use specific reasons and details to support your choice.

The issue at hand is to decide, what single item I would take on a one year trip. This is a fascinating question, because by thinking about it I might learn about myself. After careful consideration, I believe that I would take my melodica with me. I came to this conclusion, because the melodica would enrich my whole trip as well as remind me of home, for reasons stated below.

Firstly, I feel that I should explain what a melodica is. A melodica is an about 40cm long instrument. You produce an air stream by blowing into its opening. Similar to a harmonica or a flute you press keys to make differently pitched sounds. The keyboard resembles a piano keyboard. The sound of a melodica is something between a saxophone and a harmonica.

To start with the reasons, I believe my personal item should be something that can intrigue me for a whole year. An instrument fulfills this condition perfectly. As soon as you start to learn an instrument, you will never reach the point of being finished. There is always more to discover, let it be within Jazz improvisation or a slightly different interpretation of Bach classics. Thus my melodica would serve as an endless well of possibilities and inspiration.

Secondly, music is the world's best understood language. It enables me to communicate with foreign people despite not knowing their tongue. If I go on a one year trip, I definitely will meet new people. Thus, my melodica would be a great way to find out about cultural differences and similarities. Since the melodica is easy to play for anybody who plays piano, I can quickly connect to people by sharing the joy of blowing a melodica.

In addition, the melodica would be a reminder of my home country. Whenever I feel homesick, I could play German songs and feel closer to my home culture. This is also a great way to spread my cultural experience to the people I meet on my trip.

To sum it up, my melodica would be the one personal item to take on a one year trip. I made this choice, because my melodica resembles a great bond towards home and enriches my whole trip through its endless possibilities of joy and communication.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "Why are some people attracted to dangerous sports?" - to fight boredom [3]

Hey guys,

this is one of my last attempts on the TOEFL format before pwning it this Saturday (hopefully!). As always I appreciate your nice advice.

Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the last years extreme sports have become more and more popular. This gives rise to the question, why several people are more prone to engage in dangerous activities and dangerous sports than others. In my opinion, there are three main properties of dangerous activities, that make them so attractive for some people. I would like to explain those in the following passage.

Firstly, a continuous increase of the amount of risk in the choice of sports is necessary to fight boredom. Scientific research found out that the human brain is through evolution designed to get used to activities quickly. A brain that is in a state of action for longer periods of time would suck up too much energy and therefore work inefficiently. For example, when I take a roller coaster ride several times, it will feel less exciting with everytime I ride that roller coaster. At some point of time the roller coaster will bore me, although it was very exciting in the beginning. Thus, an increase in the degree of risk is necessary to encounter boredom of activities. Moreover, it has been found out that the speed of getting used varies among people, which explains the various propensities to risky activities.

Secondly, people love to do sports as a balance to their work life. Some people have a very demanding job. However, in our today's society these demanding jobs are mostly office jobs such as consulting or investment banking. To obtain a balance between hard and long working hours in the office, one has to find an adequate counterpart. Thus, people who have more leisure time due to a "normally" demanding job, will not feel the need to do risky sports or activities. On the other hand, a stressed out investment banker really needs something extremely exciting to encounter his work life. This is one reason why, some people will rather do bungee jumping or climb big mountains than others.

Finally, some people are affected by big fears. For them extreme sports might serve as a therapy to overcome their fears. For example, people who are afraid of heights might engage in skydiving. This intensification of the fear combined with the direct confrontation is known to be an effective way to get rid of some fears. Another example is a person that has to walk the stairs instead of taking an elevator, because he is scared of being in narrow spaces. To overcome this obstacle he could engage in some cave exploration tour.

To conclude, some individuals use the experience of dangerous sports to fight boredom, acquire life balance and overcome fears. Since the notions of boredom, life balance and fears differ among people, so do their propensities to engage in risky activities.