Undergraduate / "not just a spectator in the audience" - personal statement, common app 'a warrior' [4]

I really need some comments on it. It is my true story but I don't know whether this essay will be too common.

I am aimming for some top schools like Columbia and I really want it to stand out! Help me!

Waiting in suspense, my heart thumped in impressive speed.
"Wow! Wow!". The crowd erupted in shouts of approval and thunderous applause upon the announcement of the winner. Tears of happiness began to stream down her face as the "Top Ten Singer Competition Cup" was presented to her.

Everything was so clear from my seat in the audience. My heart tremored, awe-struck by the determination and courage conveyed by her eyes. How fantastic it was to touch one's own dream with one's hands to show one's passion and capability!

However, standing in the center of spotlight was but a dream for me. Since youth, my diffidence, like a stumbling block, seems to have held me back at every last minute. In kindergarten, I forwent the opportunity to be the head violinist, despite being the best among peers. In elementary school, I never raised my hand to answer complex math questions even though the answer in my mind turned out to be right most of the time. In junior high, I had already made up my mind to join a debate competition, but as I was walking to submit my application, I turned around and crumpled it into the dustbin.

Everything seemed to have been a forgone conclusion--that I would remain a mediocre student of no significance throughout school and maybe even life! But, in that instant, as the winner of the singing competition received her prize, something inside me shouted out. I should not hold back my capabilities anymore! I want to shine out and explore my bigger world! I then did something I would never have done under normal circumstances-I signed up for the school's English Competition. Though I prepared elaborately, my brain blacked out as soon as I was on stage and the blinding lights pierced through my eyes. I was waiting for the flood of negative, discouraging emotions of loss, but stepping off the stage, I was far from despondent and dispirited. I felt refreshed for having taken the initiative and completed such a competition. Reflecting on the events on stage minute by minute, I was actually infatuated with the excitement and fulfillment from my brand new experience. Encouraged, I set out to test the bounds of my newfound adventurousness.

Every morning, sitting at my desk, I was like a parrot imitating the intonations and pronunciations of English tape recordings. I practiced looking natural and confident in front of the mirror, scrutinizing my every gesture, every wrinkle in my facial expressions, and every twitch of the eye. To face my nervousness of public speaking, I actively participated in our school's weekly English corner and engaged in speech class every Wednesday after school. We had to make speeches on a topic every other week in front of panel of judges comprising of teachers and all other students. During the first session, I was surprised to be praised for my good pronunciation and was advised to smile more to avoid seeming too serious. Inspired by the encouragement, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin when making speeches on the podium. Rather than competing, I felt that I was just sharing my personal perspectives and presenting myself to peers. It became so natural that I was not even troubled with fear of losing any longer.

In tumultuous applause, she stepped on stage. The TV cameras, bright lights, packed audience, and stolid faces of the judges made for a tense environment. With a smile, she began...

Tears of happiness brimmed the girl's eyes as she was awarded the first prize cup of the national English Speaking Competition. This time the tears were my own.

I am no longer just a spectator in the audience. I am a warrior who has defeated her fear.

Undergraduate / the warmest sun in my life-- Harvard admission essay [7]

I wrote this for Harvard additional essay. I didn't use may flowery words, to convey a sense of deep but plain love. But I don't know whether it works. Any imput is much appreciated!!

"Set me as a seal on your heart," I recited as I hugged you in my arms with my eyes fixed on your pinky cheek and serene eyes, "as a seal on your arm; For love is strong as death. Many waters can't quench love, neither can..." "Mom! She peed!" I screamed out with my arms in an awkward position, not knowing what to do with the emergency, as the warm stream soaked my trousers. I heard mom hurrying over, searching every drawer for a new diaper and dad rushing out from the kitchen to see what was happening. Everything was in a mess, with your continuous whimper as the most suitable background music.

That was December the sixteenth, the first day you arrived home from hospital after the very first day you were born, bringing joy as well as incessant troubles to the family. And, most importantly, the already fifteen years old I since then become an older sister, witnessing the growth of a brand new life.

I would like to provide you all that the world has to offer. I learnt by heart the nuance between your three meals of milk in a day, making exactly 3 spoons, 4 spoons and 3 spoons of milk powder with separately 150ml, 200ml and 170ml water. I tried to prepare meals for you, even at the first time I rushed to the kitchen in trace of an ominous smell only to find out the porridge burnt. I love to come up to your cradle to give you a rock in the warm afternoon, watching the sun shades on your face and the longing hidden in your eyes for adventure into the mysterious world around you. I recite all the most beautiful poems that I have ever learnt, interpreting your giggles as a kind of tacit recognition. I tried to provide you with the best clothes, food and books, all the things that I was eager for but didn't have the condition to get. I protected you with my whole heart because I felt the strong connection between you and me, something, within our blood, our identity, and our names, that runs through every second of my life.

I watched you grow up from a little baby to speaking out your first "sister" after a long 'meditation'. I witnessed you from crawling with difficulty to running everywhere in the house to examine every trifle thing to your curiosity. I, for the first time in my life, was so clear about the 'metamorphosis' everybody has to go through in life and also the strength of love.

But there were something more you taught me. When you went on the stage of the kindergarten without hesitation, I felt an impetus that has parted from me so long ago. You are so brave, never calculating the possibility of loss and win. From the steadiness in your ingénue eyes, I saw confidence and the longing for a dream. When you cried out at the departure of your friends, I felt the expression of love that has long been overlooked. Through the glittering tears in your eyes, I saw the sincerity to a friend and the emotions deep inside every young hearts. I found myself in your shadows, watching your steps like recalling my own childhood in a continuous instead of montage way. I was pushed to come to know the things I have lost unconsciously in my growth to an adolescent. You ignited my passions and also my bravery to laugh out loud and cry hard.

Today is your birthday, what beautiful wishes are you going to make? I'm going to pray for you and I will see your smile, like the warmest sun in my life.

Undergraduate / For Arts and Sciences Applicants, "D.U.K.E" why duke essay [6]

(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

D is for development. Holding steady belief that more sparks will be ignited when disciplines can intersect with each other, I am looking forward to participate in discussion-based courses in First-Year Seminars Program and comfortable interaction with both students and distinguished professors in Focus Program where interdisciplinary study is valued, intellectual curiosity is nurtured, and connection between people is built.

U is for utilization. With its unrivaled academic resources and learning environment, Duke also never lacks opportunities for students to build special strengths in collaboration and connection of knowledge to solve real-world problems. It reminds me of my own experience of teaching students in local primary school. I'm now looking for the same contented smiles as on the face of those students and the sense of accomplishment within myself. And I will definitely get what I want in the variety of immersion programs in DukeEngage and Service-Learning programs.

K is for kaleidoscope. For a girl born in Beijing, a symbol of China's traditions, that attended school in Shenzhen, an avant-garde young city striving to be a leader in renovations, I can appreciate a school where innovations and tradition, America and the world, weave with each other. The diversity within me is more than willing to embrace the diversity within Duke's student body. And the "One big, happy family" ethos will only make the interaction more natural and intimate.

E is for energy. Although not an inborn athlete, as a passionate sports fan, I can wait no longer to experience the dynamic and lively campus where thousands of students set up camps outside the stadium to wait for the tickets for the basketball match, where everyone is wearing paints on their faces, yelling for Blue Devils, where the same enthusiasm is displayed in all aspects of a Dukie's life. Study hard in blocks and play hard in fields is a Dukie's motto and also the life I desire.

The requirement is that the essay should be written within one or two paragraphs but I have four now- - Should I combine these four into one or just leave it like this is okay?

Any input is appreciated=)