Posts by zashkon

zashkon

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Strongest Oak of the forest" - my personal quality, talent [5]

But leaving was the most difficult thing for me, as my older brother decided to stay in Macau, because my mother told her American husband that she only had one son, hoping that he would feel less financially impacted and more willing to naturalize us.

Omit the "But", Start with "Leaving"

Omit the comma after Macau and replace it with a period. Start the next sentence with "My mother"

we traveled to San Francisco where our people are more abundant. We found some friends of my grandfather who live in San Francisco, and we were grateful to find that they were willing to accept us even though they already had 7 people crammed into about a 400-sq ft., 2-bedroom, 1-bath garage.

Agreed with above post, omit the technical information regarding the house's space

You don't need to say San Fransisco twice, I would suggest omitting the second San Fransisco in this phrase and replacing it with "who live there" also omit the "we" in "we were grateful"

There are other small typos and whatnot but you can find those just by reading it over again

zashkon

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / I am not rich, hairy or fluent in Farsi, but I do speak Korean. (my talent) [6]

I am persian, and I had a good laugh at the first sentence. Well done. I like it, it is very interesting.
But i feel like you can expand on the idea of why you learned it more because to me that would be a very interesting thing to know about you.

Your last sentence is very eloquent, but it is a change in tone from the rest of the essay so i would suggest revising it a little so that it can flow better.

Your grammar is good, just read it over once or twice and i'm sure you will be able make it admission worthy.

Good Luck! :]

zashkon

Nov 28, 2010

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2: music, patience, cooperation, teamwork - personal talent/quality [4]

the beautiful intonation of melodies and harmonies in music. Intrigued by the melodies and harmonies created by the rich sound of music,

omit the red.

The experience was mind opening because

"mind opening"... i dont know it just doesnt sound right to me... maybe replace it with enlightening or eye opening... something to do with reaching nirvana will work =D

Many of my peers, at the time, have complimented on my talent

You are switching between past and present tense here. "Many of my peers complimented me on my talent"

From the experience I had in performing arts, I learned to be patient with others as well as myself because

OK, so this confused me, but I am sure you meant to say "From the experiences in performing arts, I learned to be patient with others as well as myself because" This sentence is also too long... so consider revising it a bit. I would suggest putting a period after "myself" and starting a new sentence.

About the last couple of sentences... I would consider re-writing them altogether because you are just restating your thesis, which is good for school essays, but not so much for college admission essays. Instead you should focus more on the impact of your experiences in musical arts and how it has impacted your future. They already know what traits you gained, they want to know more about what impact those traits have on your future goals.

Hope this helps :] ( I like the idea by the way... i wish i learned an instrument :[ )

zashkon

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "Independence helped me achieve higher grades" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

My suggestion is to try and develop how this independence has led to your progression into a prospective applicant instead of telling them how you are an independent person and why being independent is important. You spend a lot of time talking about your high school experience and how the Declaration of Independence has affected America, but you don't talk too much about how independence has helped you achieve anything meaningful. Take your last sentence as a starting point and try to expand this

zashkon

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "Life is good! Put family first" - UC prompt #1 [3]

I hate to do this to you, but I have seen this essay countless times. I highly suggest coming up with a more creative way of tackling this essay because right now it is very bland. If you really can't think of anything else, try and describe your life in more vivid details or give examples so the reader stays interested. The whole point is to have a good flow, keep it interesting, and come to a solid conclusion at the end.

Once again, sorry. I am just trying to help you out :/

zashkon

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / Sherlock Holmes and Computers - UC Prompt #2 [3]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

My interest in computers began the first time I played pinball on my dad's windows 93 computer, but my love for computers wasn't discovered until last summer. That summer, my friend Jeff contacted me over the phone telling me his computer had broken down and that he wanted me to fix it. Jeff and I were acquainted through mutual friendships, and I had helped him with minor technical issues before so he trusted me with his current predicament. Also, I was very confident in my own abilities, not so much because I actually had a background with computer maintenance, but simply because I had been known as the "tech guru" within my family for my entire life. I thought that when it came to things technical, I could fix it, but the reality was quite the opposite.

I imagined the whole scenario playing out as a Sherlock Holmes mystery, Jeff being Watson. We would both assess the damage and I would immediately pinpoint the problem, while Jeff would require an explanation. Then I would say something like "elementary my dear Watson," and go into extensive detail explaining my reasoning to my dumbfounded assistant. This dream was crushed, as I soon realized how little I actually knew about computers, and how extensive your knowledge of computers has to be in order to build one.

We began by replacing the motherboard, which is the heart of the computer. Once we got the new motherboard, we realized that it wouldn't fit in the casing of the original computer, so we bought a new case. After we bought a new case, we needed a new power supply to support the motherboard. Before we knew it, we had replaced so many of the parts it was practically a brand new computer. Through all of this trial and error we finally found the source of the problem, the RAM was defective, making the monitor unable to receive a signal from the computer.

This experience greatly influenced my aspirations for the future because it helped to expose me to a world which I had known nearly nothing about previously. Once I had finished the computer, I realized how much fun I had actually building it. Not only did this experience teach me about computers, but it taught me about myself as well. I found out that if I am truly passionate about something, I won't give up until I get it right. I was ready to give up so many times throughout this entire process, but something within me stopped me from doing so. This same force pushed me past my usual boundaries, to a point where I went above and beyond my normal work capacity in order to make sure that everything was working properly.

The last lesson this computer taught me was humility. Before this experience, I was very confident in my abilities with electronics, especially computers. Now I realize that there is so much more to learn, and that I was just scratching the surface of something entirely new to me. By having scratched that surface though, I have become all that more interested in the computer field and all the knowledge I can attain by pursuing it.

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Anything i need to fix feel free to tell me about... its pretty rough so any help would be appreciated.

zashkon

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "Solitary Bus Rides"-UC Prompt #2 [5]

Its a great story, but you should focus less on the actual experience and more on the effects it has on you. Especially with the third paragraph, where you tell a story and then don't elaborate further as to how it affected you, and why you thought it was important enough to mention in your essay.

I like the idea you came up with, its very unique. Its a great start too, you just need to develop your thoughts a bit further and it will be a solid essay.

Some minor stuff I found.

One time I was riding the bus to a friend's birthday party, but the ride there was so long that I began to stare out the bus windows and zone out. (Omit "there")

In the middle of this, a middle-aged man boarded the bus and sat across from me, blocking my view of the outside scenery and causing me to feel frustrated and disappointed. (it is already implied in the previous sentence you were looking outside. Omit this)

They are often seen as simply a form of transportation, but to me they are much more. (Omit "simply")

Then my thoughts begin to wander, sometimes of school and homework to the outside scenery or sometimes even a blank nothingness. (This sentence is confusing, not to sure what you meant. Revise this to make your thoughts clearer. This is also a chance for you to show your creativity so use imagery and emotion to make your thoughts come alive like you did in the second paragraph.)

Hope this helps :] Good luck.

zashkon

Nov 29, 2010

Writing Feedback / A new factory will be built in your hometown, do you agree or disagree? [3]

Good points but you need to take a side. Don't explain both sides of the issue, but rather, take a side and go all the way with it. Don't delete your points for the opposite side though, use them as a counter argument to support the side you choose. In your case, I would go with supporting the building of factories because you have the strongest points on that side of the issue. So, the points you used to argue against the building of factories, twist them to fit your argument.

For example, take your original: "In addition, there is a safety issue which influences the residents' lives."

and make it this: "Some people may say that there are safety issues that may negatively impact residents' lives, but (argue against it)"

Also, since you are one side now, avoid saying "compromise". It is a taboo word when agreeing or disagreeing on an issue through an essay. Usually, readers want to see you take a side and have a good arguments backing up your opinions. So revise those last couple sentences.

Good luck :]

zashkon

Nov 29, 2010

Undergraduate / Think Globally, Act Locally - UC Essay #1 [3]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Think globally, act locally." These words have had a great effect on not only my personal life, but my dreams for the future. Being immigrants from Iran, my parents never had much of anything, but what they kept with them at all times was their religion. This set of basic morale values helped them raise a family through hard times, and helped build their own religious community.

I was raised in an environment where charity played a major role in my everyday life, giving food to the homeless was our family activity. For the longest time I thought that I was doing the best for my community, working at homeless shelters through my mosque, doing volunteer programs through my mom's work, and heading the recycling program at my school were all the things I did to prove it.

My perspective on what community really was all changed though, when my sister moved to India in order to teach kids basic educational skills. I realized that my own little bubble was not the only place where giving back was relevant. There was a whole world out there that required aid, and the amount of aid I have given in my community was miniscule in comparison to the amount of aid needed in the world. I asked myself, why did people help only those in their immediate vicinity, instead of helping those who are truly in trouble on the other side of the world?

The answer came from my US history teacher, who recited a quote from one of Roosevelt's speeches during World War II, "If your neighbor's house is on fire, you don't think about how much the water is going to cost, you just put out the fire." You This was my moment of enlightenment, as I realized people tend to give to others they can relate or sympathize with in some way. For example, we gave food to homeless people in our own community because we knew it was easy to fall into financial hardship due to the recession. People are hesitant to give aid to others that are foreign and far away because they will never be able to see the direct result of their actions. If I give a sandwich to someone who is hungry they will smile, but if I put money in an envelope and send it to someone far away I won't get the same amount of satisfaction.

This is the reason why I am so interested in technology, because it breaks the communication barrier that separates people of different origins, nationalities, and locations. I want to be a part of this new era of technological advancement, and be able to make a difference in the way people interact with each other on a global basis. By doing this, I will not only be able to live up to my parent's example, but utilize my own strengths towards helping people act on a more global level.

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Anything and everything that you point out is appreciated :]

zashkon

Nov 30, 2010

Undergraduate / "The best education" + "As we Americans" - UC ESSAY PROMPTS 1 & 2 - PHILOSOPHY MAJOR [3]

I think your first one is pretty solid.

About your second one though, I feel it would be stronger if you talked about a specific experience more in depth so the reader can get more a feel for the point you are trying to make, and to show how important it was to you. Try and cut down on the fluff as well, and stay more concise and straightforward. You don't want to repeat yourself too much.

Your grammar for both these essays seems good as well

Overall, I like where you are going with each of them. Good luck :]

zashkon

Dec 2, 2010

Writing Feedback / Why do we need to study history? [3]

importance of study history importance of studying history

In this essay, several advantages od study history will be discussed.

Your thesis is vague because it doesn't tell your reader what you want to talk about in your essay. Give the reader the message you are trying to send through your essay instead of just saying what is going to be discussed. Furthermore, you shouldn't use the phrase "in this essay" because it seems unprofessional.

This is just a start, the rest of your sentence structure throughout your paper needs some work. It is hard to understand exactly what you are trying to say. Consider rewriting your essay while thinking about the message you want to send to the reader. Start with your thesis, which should be an overview of what your essay will be, and use each body paragraph to give a more specific example or idea that supports your thesis.

You should also use spell check before your post.

zashkon

Dec 2, 2010

Scholarship / GMU scholarship: challenging experience-sickel cell & how I've grown [3]

I was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia at the age of two however; I did not have a full understanding of the disease until I was eleven

Improper use of a semicolon. A semicolon separates two independent-clauses. It should be: I was diagnosed with sickle cell anemia at the age of two, I did not have a full understanding of the disease however, until I was eleven.

You are lacking a concise thesis in your paper. Usually at the end of the first paragraph you want to give the message you intend your essay to communicate to the reader. Furthermore, you aren't fully answering the prompt in that you didn't answer: "If you had to relive the experience, what would you have done differently?" You should go back and add at least a few words about this. What you probably want to talk about is how you should have tried harder in order to get your schoolwork done so that you wouldn't have a lot to do by the time you got out of the hospital.

Your sentence structure in this essay also needs some work. You need to combine some of your sentences together in order for your essay to flow. The importance with these kind of essays is their ability to keep the reader interested, and if your words don't flow easily, the reader is going to be more distracted by how you have written instead of what you are writing.

About your comment, its good to share personal information in your essays because it helps people relate to your experience. A sob story isn't necessarily a bad thing either because although a tad bit overdone, they do make interesting essays. If you are applying for a scholarship, I think this is a great topic to write about.

What I would suggest doing is rewriting your essay in order to make your ideas more clear and concise. Use this as a rough draft and expand on your ideas. Your first time rewriting this, ignore the word limit and just get all your ideas out there, then afterwards go back and shorten your essay.

zashkon

Dec 2, 2010

Undergraduate / "internships or a strong neuroscience major": Short Boston University [3]

You need to post the prompt or else it makes it hard to proofread your essay. I can't really help you with improving your essay other than grammatical help.

I came upon a yellow sticky note jutting out of Peterson's Four-Year Colleges 2008.

The first time I read this, I was super confused. Then I re-read it and realized it was a book. This is a confusing way of saying you found a bookmark that lead you to this college. Instead try and say something like: I came upon a yellow sticky not jutting out of a college-guide book I was flipping through . I am sure you can find a better way to say this, its just a general idea.

You need to go back and work on your switching between tenses. Here are some examples of the sentence switching tenses in your essay:

The page revealed a college none other than Boston University (past) , a school that my mother tenaciously urges me to attend (present) .

Over the next few years, I've glimpsed around your website, but what really caught my attention were the student made videos on Youtube showing the ins and outs of BU.

I am a bit confused about your conclusion where you say something about a dentist institution and the Boston University? Try and make that clearer for the reader.

I strongly suggest you revise this. Work on making your sentences flow from one to the other, and over all making your ideas clearer.