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Posts by cindyd87
Joined: Jan 1, 2011
Last Post: Jan 2, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 10
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cindyd87   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Williams Essay-Important Scene-Nobel Prize [2]

I was so proud to hear that the Nobel Prize was awarded to Mr. Xiaobo and was simultaneously astounded by CCP's reluctancy for him to accept it. This essay shows you are intelligent and well rounded. However, I would consider addressing the prompt in a more direct fashion. YOu could stick with the award ceremony, but be more descriptive, actually visualize the surroundings, the announcements, and perhaps the tension WHICH you could then turn over into how it relates to you. Good Luck!
cindyd87   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / (no clear career goals yet) -BU What do you hope to accomplish as an Undergraduate? [2]

I could see Woody Allen composing such an essay when he was 14: it has a dry humor beneath its surface (and not to mention your both Jews:). I think this is a very unique essay in the sense that you come forth and say that you do not have any future goals other than enjoying the first (technically) 2 years before you decide exactly what you would like to major in. It was a fine thought for you to mention BU's study abroad program and to mention a professor at the school.
cindyd87   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "An expansion on photography" - my elaboration of snapping a photo [7]

(Essay forum instructors, if you decide to delete my post, will you give me a reason first? Thank you in advance.) Hi! My prompt is "elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities". Harsh criticism please! Thanks! I will return the favor.

Photography is a slice of ephemeral tranquility served alongside a silky smooth wave of chills: every tantalizing sense is flushed through my fingertips as I press the dime-sized button. Any awareness and response reposed within myself has now been apprehended and restored within a single, still-motion depiction of each. I am now only a dissonance of the photo. The picture resembles not "I" or any emotion I had anteceding the shoot but the infinite possibilities of a viewer's freedom of perception and observation. Exposing fervor without common association, the photograph ogles Omni presently; the photograph is poignant and sensitive to the viewer, yet obstinate in its independency and candor. It unifies art, human reality, and blithe imagination, floating, then encapsulated by the human mind. Photography is the anchor man on mute; a pellucid pathos beneath light; the transcendence of human emotion.
cindyd87   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others [14]

miss anthropic, thanks! I do have a tendency to write with slight verbosity. I believe this comes from my constant reading of Dickens, Joyce, or Sartre.

Your advice was very helpful. Here is what I have revised.

My direct and simplistic reasoning for transferring to a Liberal Arts College at this time is to obtain a higher degree than my Associate in Arts; and, more importantly, as I have graduated from a community college, I wish to delve into a methodical, yet creative, academia.

I also revised several other sentences, but you have done enough. Thanks again! Your critique was very helpful.

Do you think I will bore the admissions office to death with this essay? It is too professional sounding?
cindyd87   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "An expansion on photography" - my elaboration of snapping a photo [7]

I know! English is not my first language, and struggle to be eloquent in writing.
Thank you for being harsh! amberisdead, the word count has to be less than 150.
Here is a revision of my activity. Any grammar errors? Thanks!
cindyd87   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / obtaining a higher degree - "Why do you want to transfer" smith & others [14]

Thanks, etaang! I had a slight feeling that it did sound too professional. But I really wanted the admissions office to see that I have an exact idea of what I want to obtain when I transfer/the objectives I hope to achieve. I will revise and repost.
cindyd87   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "The day of my graduation" - Personal: Applying to Ivy Leagues [6]

obtain a university level education. as you show later in the essay that you are working towards obtaining a BA/AA, you should say that you are the first to strive to obtain a university level education.

With constant support support of my family, community, and high school administrators, I felt honored to make them proud by graduating. or something along the lines of this. i would re-vise in your own words.

We all marched towards adorned diplomas

I attempted to join the so-called
an organization attempts to embody the vales I sought forthe organization does not attempt to embody the values you seek, if it did you probably would not have ran into the problem of it not being what you thought it would be. re-word

was yet another disappointment

my college experience enjoyable, academically challenging, emotionally revitilizing, and socially rewarding. I will strive to make it, for my community, for my family, and for myself

Your essay shows grand determination!
cindyd87   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / ("Princeton in the Nation's Service") How to Improve Princeton Supplement Essay? [30]

Hi! iPerception. After reading your essay I was hoping that with your expertise of the English language you could critique my essay (the last posting on "Infinite Procurements" - Existential Angst). Congratulations on being excepted to Swarthmore! It is a fantastic program! You will love the campus.
cindyd87   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Niche of a Quasi-Nomad - Why Bryn Mawr? [2]

Hi! I just finished my essay on "Why would you like to attend Bryn Mawr?". Any comments, suggestions, critiques, compliments, disparages? Is the essay all over the palce? Do I state clearly why I would like to attend Bryn Mawr? I will return the favor!!! Thanks:)

Culture of Possibilities



With the amelioration of prejudices held toward females' cerebral ability, the multicultural fabric of woman has been backstitched and expanded throughout the years. Any woman who carries an array of perspectives along with her intellect can only stand in awe at the diverse opportunities Bryn Mawr provides for modern day women. It can too often be seen in America's culture that women carry the burden of taking on household duties, abandoning their intellectual property and academic prosperity; the ideas that cultivated females propound on the world burgeon such beautiful and majestic occurrences that even cynicism looks inward, transforming and exposing its affability and hope. As a young woman living in the 21st century, I look to higher education as a paragon of equal opportunities, specifically focusing on the creativity and promise of females.

With three sisters married off and two awaiting their first child, I have seen the desperation and dependency a woman can place herself in when she has yet to allow herself cerebral freedom; and in my niche far from the possibility of marriage and conception, I have ruminated over Bryn Mawr to be the perfect college for me to expand and hone my French and Philosophy studies. A rotund liberal arts college with powerful females, excited for independence and advantages that allow them to become an intelligent and compassionate associate in their field is the precise environment I wish to propagate my ingenuity. Each of the colleges I am applying to is dignified in the nurturing of women; but Bryn Mawr is a gem among its sisters, and I cannot ignore the adventurous and determined visions I perceive of the student body.

This sundry environment opens infinite possibilities by grounding in each of its students' independence, grace, and intellectual certainty and criticism. The amalgamation of languages, religions, and cultural heritages available at Bryn Mawr will prepare my path in becoming an influence on social justice, a lighthouse for my culture, and a bridge for the world's multiplicity of views. Between Bryn Mawr's cultural diversity and global preparation is an academic solemnity that correlates each of these aspects into the strong groundwork of a world leader, a chance for students to expand their network.

The partnership between Science Po and Bryn Mawr immediately captivated my literary eye (seeing as how Claudel and Proust both belong to the alumni pool), and the academic opportunity to study a semester in Paris will allow me to inherently understand French culture through their historical affluence and idiosyncrasies of scholars. Not only did the international possibilities at Bryn Mawr satiate my quasi-nomadic thrist but the Tri-Co and Bi-Co program caused every pessimistic neuron thereby ecstatic cerebration! I can only anticipate my broadened prospective within my independent study from attending classes at Swarthmore, Haverford, and the University of Pennsylvania -the array of classes available will suitably mold my thesis on empiricism and dichromatic use of film. Sigh. The setting sun and rising moon will keep me company in my niche company while I anticipate my arrival at my first college of choice
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