Undergraduate / "Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizon" - Transfer, Common App [6]

Hi!
I am a first-time poster. This is my transfer application essay. I am applying to some top schools (including 2 business schools). My stats are pretty good but I am not sure about my essays. Please give me constructive opinion on how I can improve this essay.

I will really appreciate your help.

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
It was only last year when I submitted my Freshman Common Application and heaved a sigh of relief with the hope that I will get into an institution which is right for me. Even though the outcome was unexpected, I was not completely dissatisfied by it. When I chose to attend Bryn Mawr, the opportunities afforded by the Tri-College Consortium with Haverford College and Swarthmore, and the Quaker Consortium with both the fore-mentioned colleges and University of Pennsylvania influenced my choice significantly. I wanted to have a diverse college experience with a plethora of academic and non-academic opportunities to exploit and expand my interests. Bryn Mawr seemed to be the best option with access to over 5000 courses in as diverse fields as liberal arts, engineering and business. It took me a while to realize why this college could not offer a satisfying experience for me. For some of my friends, it was the best place to be at but for me, it seemed to have a void which I hope to fill through my transfer application.

Since the beginning of my high school, I was focused about studying Economics and/or Mathematics in college. These areas had always been my strengths along with Accounting and Finance. I came with the same mission to accomplish at Bryn Mawr. However, things did not go the way I had perceived them to. I still want to pursue Economics and Mathematics as a major or a minor but I also want to study business with them. I had pursued a business-oriented curriculum in high school. In British education system, business seemed such a narrow and specialized feel but when I came to Bryn Mawr and got to truly experience the diverse academic experience in US, this rekindled my interest in business. I wanted to study business with a bit of liberal arts. This is what prompted me to visit business schools and colleges that offered business majors or minors with an emphasis on liberal arts. Being there and interacting with their student bodies made me realize how much I missed studying accounting and business. They were studying business with languages, humanities, social sciences and what not. Their aims were even so different from each others'. Some wanted a job at Wall Street while others wanted to go on to graduate business school. There were some who wanted to venture into public policy and government whereas others who wanted to pursue medicine. This affected me a lot as post-college, I want to attend graduate school in Economics or Public Policy. Prior to coming to Bryn Mawr, I had never known how broad the scope of education in US was. I want to study an integrated curriculum which would not just allow me to delve deeper into my chief academic interests but also to experiment with liberal arts.

My schooling has been confined to an all-girls environment from the beginning. I went to a small private high school. Hence, coming to a small, all-girls school was not exotic for me. However, as I really wanted to benefit from a co-educational environment which most schools in US have, I had thought that the Tri-College Consortium would give me enough opportunities to become more confident in interacting with people of opposite sex and meet new people. I could not have gotten such an opportunity at most colleges at home. Even though attending Bryn Mawr gave me access to the co-educational communities at Haverford and Swarthmore, these colleges were small too. They do not have large student bodies and enough social activities going on. These institutions have a certain environment which has largely influenced the type of groups and activities on-campuses. Bryn Mawr has a very feministic feel. Hence, most student activities and traditions are inspired by feminism. I relate myself more to progressivism and liberalism than feminism. There is not much diversity among student groups and organizations on-campus. Hence, I want to go to a bigger school with a diverse student body and a wide range of groups and on-campus activities.

Bryn Mawr has a secluded location. It is located in the suburbs so there are few close-by, off-campus activities one can engage in. I would like to attend a school in a cosmopolitan city with a lively off-campus social scene.

My first-year at Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizons, improved my flexibility and helped me figure out what I want to do in life. Coming here, I have figured out what I want to study and how I want to utilize my skills and education post-college. Even though I am already done with my first-year at college, I feel that it is very important for me to realize what I want to do and then do my best to accomplish it. Hence, I have applied to your institution to pursue my aims there as I feel that it is a better fit for me than Bryn Mawr.

Undergraduate / "a long line of merchants and businessmen" - UPenn Essay [2]

Hi!
I am a prospective transfer applicant from a lac. Please critique my essay objectively. I would really appreciate your help and critique you back.

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

Coming from a long line of merchants and businessmen, I was enticed by the idea of venturing into business from a young age. I recall living over a surgical instruments' factory for the first 10 years of my life. From home, I witnessed not just the manufacturing end of the business but the decision-making part(AS WELL. instead of too)It was the latter that affected me(TAKE OUT THE)more. Seeing my father managing the laborers, going over the accounts, treating to the customers' demands and doing an endless list of tasks(, THIS)made me realize how big a part of his life business was. The animation and energy excited me so much that when I turned eleven, I asked him to hire me. As expected by every(ONE,)he laughed at me and tried to put me off on the pretext that I was too naďve for something as serious as business. I asked him to just let(ME)shadow him at his workplace;(SEMI COLON HERE) He agreed(TAKE OUT to that)and since then(NO COMMA NEEDED)I have moved several levels up the organizational structure from an "intern" to a sales representative. I have had my share of arguments with him over ethical concerns, application of innovations and his autocratic leadership style but his experience always over-ruled my judgments. My interest in business was further honed in high school as I took on business-oriented classes which exposed me to complex business ideas and concepts of the globalised world. It was the financial and economics side of the game that I liked the most. My internship experiences at two of my hometown's leading firms allowed me to further develop my two interests and learn from their application.

Coming to college has affected my perspective alot and made me realize what I want to do after graduation. It has opened me up to new options as I have become more receptive to experimentation. It has broadened my interpretation of college-experience. My academic interests which I formerly considered "too specialized" now seem a broad field to me in which I can fulfill my goals. I have found a concrete path for myself. I want to explore my academic interests fully in college and then venture into Public Policy or Economics post-graduation. I feel that the diverse experience of business offered by Wharton School is the right fit for me as it has everything that I want to study and explore from business policy to finance, from opportunities of cross-majoring and cross-minoring at other UPenn colleges to a plethora of extra-curricular activities that I want to engage in.

Academically, Wharton has everything that I want to explore. I want to major in Accounting or Business Policy with a possibility of a double-major in Economics and a minor in Mathematics. I might also end up submatriculating into Wharton's doctoral program. The variety of courses being offered would give me a holistic education and not just limit my horizon to the so-called "specialized" field of business. I would like to continue my study of Spanish at the College of Arts and Sciences. I firmly believe that business is something that affects our daily lives and its meaning and breadth should not be confined to the likes of economics and accounting. Policy-making, government and even languages are an integral part of it. For instance, becoming an adept Spanish-speaker would allow me to communicate in a different social-setting. By taking classes at other colleges of the University, my understanding of the world around me would be enriched and varied.

Beyond the classroom experience, I want to engage in the co-curricular opportunities offered at Wharton School. In particular, I would like to participate in Social Impact Research Experience (SIRE). This program appeals me because of its socially-beneficial nature. I would like to ( delve NOT SURE WHAT THIS WORD IS TO BE JUST POINTING IT OUT INCASE IT'S SPELLED WRONG) in microfinance, economic development or sustainability and how they can be used to benefit not just the businesses but also the global community. Another program that really interests me is the social-impact-themed Wharton International Program (WIP). Even though I missed it as a freshman, if things work out, I would love to go abroad as a sophomore. It would be a globalised experience for me to see how business is conducted in other countries and how social practices vary from country-to-country. Being a liberal progressive, clubs including Penn Microfinance Club, Wharton Women and Penn International Business Volunteers really interest me. I would like to be a part of their numerous community-directed ventures.

The diverse community life of UPenn would give me a multi-faceted educational experience. Even though I have missed out on numerous traditions including Economics Scream and the Amazing Cohort Race, I would love to be a part of Sophomore Celebration and other post-freshman year traditions.

Undergraduate / "Economics and Mathematics as a single major" - Columbia short essay [3]

Please peruse it for me. Help me shorten it a bit as it's 64 characters longer than the limit. Thanks :)

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why:

Columbia University is among the very few schools in the USA which offer Economics and Mathematics as a single major, include Business Studies in liberal arts and provide ample opportunities for students with interests in finance and accounting to explore them. I had always wanted to double major in Economics and Mathematics but I felt that if I do so, I might be unable to enjoy liberal arts fully. The combined Economics-Mathematics major at Columbia College was one of the first things that developed my interest in this institution as I want to go to graduate school post-college. I also enjoy studying business especially, finance and accounting. Courses offered under the financial economics major and business concentration at Columbia would allow me to explore my interest in leadership, organizational behavior and accounting practices. I have always found business a field tied with philosophy, psychology and sociology. Abraham Maslow was a psychologist but his "Hierarchy of Needs" is very popular in HR studies. Philosophy allows one to think radically and that's what Adam Smith did. A business has to consider changes in societal structure and other relevant parameters before planning its overall strategy.

Beside this, what attracted me to Columbia was its cricket club. Though it is a small venture, it greatly influenced my choice to apply to Columbia. Cricket is my favorite sport and I have played it at varsity-level in high school. I really want to continue playing it in college and if I get in, I hope to expand the scale of the club.

Undergraduate / a business student / a global citizen / my grandfather - 3 short NYU questions [NEW]

Hi!
I am applying to NYU business school as a transfer applicant. Can you please critique my essays? They are very short. The max length of each one is 500 characters. I will really appreciate your help and answer your queries.

Thanks

1 Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

As a descendant of successful businesspersons, a business student in high school and an intern at two export firms, I was enticed by the idea of exploring business from a young age. I liked the financial and economics side of the game most. As I want to enter into economic policy-making post graduate school, the business economics concentration and cross-minor opportunities in Public Policy and Management and Mathematics at Stern School would provide holistic preparation for me. (483 characters)

2 NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

A global network university is a globalized institution that allows sharing of ideas through its global initiatives and liberal education. Studying in NYC would mold me into a global citizen who reflects different perspectives of the world but still manages to maintain her individuality. It would help me to overcome stereotypes. At NYU, I look forward to bonding with my peers through various multicultural activities, with NYC through community service and with the world by studying abroad. (494 characters)

3 If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.

Being the only girl in my family, I was always told by my relatives that my grandfather would have been very proud of me had he been alive. I wish I could converse with him in my room about myself. I would show him how I have outstood his other grandchildren in academics, work and community service so he can bask in the glory as well. My room is a true depiction of my personality and accomplishments and I wish that he could know me well and see the resemblance between my personality and his'. (497 characters)