Writing Feedback / Essay about the government decision on where put money - feedback [6]

Topic:

Some people think the government should stop putting money in art programs and put the money in more important fields such as sports facilities, medical care or national defense. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

Nowadays people start concentrating on their own country's investments as they increasingly realize that it links to their future life. Consequently, the aim of such investments becomes a hot-debated topic of discussion when people try to find out the better places where the money goes, for example, art or infrastructure such as sports facilities, medical care or national defense.

Obviously, all governments are supposed to meet their people's basic needs at first. Especially and certainly the highest priorities for developing countries are to resolve the poverty and guarantee the safety and health, which surely requires a huge amount of money to invest in. Compared with those developed countries, developing countries do not constantly have solid financial support, so they should target the comparably short-term achievement to improve people's daily life, most of which is spent pursing basic requirements rather than art programs. Without adequate food supply, healthy bodies and peaceful environment, individuals would not have any interests on painting, singing or dancing.

However for other developed countries, they probably already do not need to worry about the materials to survive through hundreds of years' development. And even importantly, they have consistently healthy financial system so that they are able to grow the art programs and stimulate people's further needs on spirit. In other words, the developed countries may invest in the higher level of what people need with the stable base of materials.

In developing countries, prioritizing infrastructure is not the same as that they are deprived of the opportunities of developing other things beneficial to the people, in fact, the governments should be fully responsible for the development targets on each stage that adapts to each country's real situation.

Any feedback on this essay is really welcomed and appreciated. Thank you!

Writing Feedback / IELTS -- Government wants people to move To Big Cities [4]

Please help to check my writing. Any feedback is really welcomed, thank you!

Topic - Many people are moving to big cities. Why is that? Do you think it is a good trend?

My writing:

Nowadays our government encourages people in rural areas to move to cities, especially big cities. It is likely to be a huge challenge that the government needs to face and cope with when population increases considerably in big cities, at the same time, someone argues that it also provide more energy to big cities.

The reason that people are more willing to relocate to big cities than before is that big cities can supply them with more opportunities and resources to exploit to enjoy a colorful life. Beyond our doubt, there are more infrastructures such as mature traffic system, hospitals and shopping malls that people can rely on in their daily lives. And certainly, there are more vacant jobs as a great plenty of companies, especially international corporations, tend to set up their branch offices in big cities.

More opportunities do not mean everything in big cities is good. It is widely known that the living costs in big cities are much higher than in countryside. For instance, it is not everyone that is able to afford a pricey apartment or house. However in my opinion, it is quite good that people come to contribute themselves in developing the cities and treat as their new home even though people probably initiate to improve their own lives. Besides, they bring more diversity on culture and positive competitions to big cities.

I personally think that the benefits of people moving to big cities outweigh the negative factors from the point of view of cities themselves as long as our government is prepared well on the balance of resources to avoid potential conflicts between original residents and newcomers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS -- Modern shopping habits change [3]

Please help to check my writing. Any feedback is really welcomed, thank you!

Topic:
In many parts of the world, shopping is no longer just buying what you need. It has been transformed into a form of entertainment. Why does this happen? Is it a positive or negative development?

My wirting:

While people used to go shopping only for what meets their basic needs, these days this traditional habit appears to be dying since people are more prone to treat it as one of indispensable forms of entertainment in search of excitement. In this essay, I intend to explore the sources of this trend as well as my own comment on it.

From my perspective, one of the most significant causes is the dramatic social development. Historically, even though our previous generations were affluent enough to afford everything; they passively had no much choice as it was not productive throughout the world due to restricted science and technology then. Recently, though, human beings no doubt have already made incredible achievements in the past decades, which especially reflect the considerably increasing numbers of materials that have ever been produced. Even importantly, current global trade with effective transport promotes the worldwide flow of products. Consequently and inevitably, it leads to a wide variety of alternatives for the people in modern society. Widespread clothes stores of a great many different brands targeting each market segments are a particularly good example of this.

Another major contributing factor is the introduction of new business strategy. While it is widely acknowledged that people visited marketplace for the main, probably sole, purpose of in search of wanted goods in shops, the recent role of commercial quarters has been altering significantly. As a matter of fact, a fashionable financial model has already turned up that a shopping mall is integrated with other forms of recreations such as movie theaters, restaurants and so forth. In other words, contemporary shopping centers offer one-stop service containing a wide and appealing range of relaxation to remain customers' stickiness. Little wonder, therefore, that the way of shopping and then immediately going home is not popular any longer.

As above, this trend of current shopping habits derives from advanced social wealth and functional diversity on modern business circles. Given that many people are increasingly keen on this lifestyle, far from negative effects this tendency will give rise to, I stand firmly on the position that it undeniably will be beneficial to individuals and society due to considerable convenience and fantastic business opportunities, respectively.