Undergraduate /
'Voluntering at a hospital, the fine arts' - Rutgers Essay [3]
Third sentence there is a grammar mistake: "...they would
lose sight of who they are just to fit into the popular crowd. " I know you're trying to make a statement by reusing the word establishment, but I don't think that it's the right word to do that with. It's...too long maybe? But it could work I suppose.
The next sentence not part of that pattern: "Due to the large amount of cultural references made on television, movie screens, and novels, these were the first ideas that came to mind when I thought of it." I had to read about 4 times before I kind of understood what you were trying to say, I think. Maybe you could rephrase it? Because the things you pointed out earlier, I don't think are examples of "cultural references". You could maybe pose the sentence like
"These were the only things I knew about it from watching television and movies and reading books; these were the first things that came to mind and I was scared." etc.
The next part where you talk about what would happen, I think you should make it more hypothetical. Instead of "I would make no friends, gain more weight than I already had, and do terribly with my grades." you could say "I saw this overweight kid who had no friends and horrible grades." And maybe combine it with the sentence prior: "I hadn't even taken the first steps into that monstrous institution and I already felt that I would dread the next four years of my life: I saw this overweight kid who had no friends and horrible grades."
Also, in the next sentence, "I was content with my grades, I lost a tremendous amount of weight,..." are all fragments. You should take the same style as I suggested in the previous, except maybe put a "-" instead of a colon and combine it with the previous sentence. I also don't think you should use the word "suppositions;" it makes you sound like you just went to the thesaurus and picked a word that sounded smart. It incapacitates you in a way that you don't seem like you are.
In your second paragraph, scratch the first sentence. You just said in your last sentence of the first paragraph that your volunteering would be a great asset, don't get reiterate it so soon. Just start with your second sentence. I don't understand the part about assisting with the mechanics of the facility, it's too confusing and random. Why did that experience want to make you help people, how did it bring about that intriguing feeling? You need to make sure that's part of it, otherwise it's not really an asset, it's just a statement. There's no emotional connection to it. And also, you last sentence should say "all OF Rutger's branches."
In your third paragraph, "I have played percussive instruments
from ever since fifth grade, sang in chorus and for other events since the seventh grade, and participated in theatrical productions on multiple occasions." scratch the "from" in the first couple words. I would also rewrite this sentence: "I attempt to take all performing arts extracurricular activities because it has always alleviated my stress and helped me focus throughout the school years." Perhaps more like
"I take every art class and activity that is offered to me because it has given and will always give me a sense of relief." The next sentences also lack that emotional response. Art is not, in my opinion, a social class. It is the wrong word and gives too much a feeling of rigidity and lacks the feeling of creativity. I also dont think that you should say you want to broaden your horizons in that field necessarily, but more continue with it because it is something that you love. Something you love has to embody that passion, you have to make the reader FEEL it. They have to see that the love you bring for the arts is something they want, not just something that you want to do to fill extra space.
In your last paragraph, I would say "...but also to assert my opinion and let my voice be heard, something that comes from my American culture." instead of what you wrote in your third sentence or so. You already started with the fact that your culture would be an asset at Rutger, don't end the same paragraph with it as well. Too...repetitive.
On your last sentence, you need a stronger last thought. maybe add this "...but those moments are the ones that brought about the greatest changes within me, the changes that made me who I am and wish to be."
Overall, your essay has a good start, but like I said earlier, in my opinion, your essay lacks that emotional response that makes you stand out. You sound very formal, even when you talk about something so passionate as art. You need to find a way to harness your passion and pull it in. It is such an important part of it all, and it's something that nobody can tell you how to do. Read over your essay again, and try to put in your own personal thoughts and reactions and opinions. Expand on the simple things that hold the greatest pleasure for you like how your volunteering has inspired you, or why you want to be in arts at Rutger, and how your culture is something that you're proud of, and you want to show off. Don't hold back, just let you be you. :) I guarantee you, you're essay will become stunning.
good luck! I hope you get in to Rutger.