Undergraduate / (character in fiction, figure) Common App - "Chaconne" [7]

Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

I sat in my pristinely organized room doing homework and studying for midterms. There were two issues with this scene: a teenager's room is never clean, and midterms were not for another three months. The problem was that I literally had nothing to do. A lack of passion and courage blocked me from escaping the confines of my room. As an eighth grader, I was still searching for a key to set me free. Only through musical enlightenment did I gain access to the outside world.

It was nearly four years ago when I discovered the magnificent realm of classical music. Perusing the Internet in my caged room, I chanced upon an intriguing video entitled "Chaconne by Vitali". Clicking on the link, I blankly watched as a young violinist strode onto stage. Uninterested, I moved to click the exit button when a striking chord suddenly pierced me, filling up the voids of my body. The violinist then led me through a transformative roller coaster of triplets and arpeggios that concluded with yet another piercing chord. An eternity of searching had finally ended as Chaconne unlocked the gateway to my destiny.

The passion exuded by both Vitali and the violinist thrust me out of my inactive shell. I became eager to speak the language of composers through an instrument. Immediately, I took up the trumpet and later the violin, practicing each with an unwavering commitment to mastery. Eventually, the objective black notes evolved into a blank canvas that I could personalize. Embellishing every phrase and adding subtle nuances to each melody, I interpreted each piece and displayed a piece of myself in my performances. This musical discovery filled me with a newfound determination needed to venture out into the world and uncover other suppressed abilities. Soon, I found myself embracing new challenges and activities, gradually shedding my former self.

Classical music guided my life from a limited world to one with unimagined liberty. Discovering Chaconne and its wonders was like unveiling a shroud of ignorance. Suddenly, I became aware of all the opportunities surrounding me. Propelled by courage and enthusiasm, I engaged myself in everything I enjoyed from science to tutoring, striving to be the best in each outlet. This growing pile of activities paired with a desire to fulfill myself allowed me to embody that actively involved student I had always yearned to be.

Now that I am living the high school dream, never do I want to return to my former prison. Undoubtedly, I owe my academic and extracurricular achievements to the works of composers long gone. In stagnant times, there is no magical device to inject me with passion, but I can always count on Vitali and his peers for inspiration. When I am in my geriatric years, I will still cherish the wondrous Chaconne, among other classical pieces. As a teenager however, I am already immersing myself in these often-overlooked masterpieces and integrating them into the fabric of a more purposeful life.

(495 words)

Undergraduate / JHU Supplement - Physics and Astronomy [6]

I know astronomy is not an offered major, but JHU has many courses regarding astronomy and astrophysics. Should I still not make it a focal point of my essay? This is a very first draft so please be harsh :D

I gaze up into the twinkling stars and ask myself, are we truly the only life forms in the universe? Since then, I have familiarized myself with efforts made to understand our singular position in the vast universe.

Documentaries on the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) as well as black holes and dark matter piqued my interest in astronomy. It soon became apparent that the macroscopic universe was closely related to microscopic elementary particles. I became fascinated with particle physics and its application of quarks and neutrinos to the workings of our known universe.

I believe the opportunities offered at Johns Hopkins will help me understand and perhaps formulate answers to the age-old question regarding our existence. I too would like to know if we are alone or if there are other life forms hidden from our view. In order to become closer to solving this astronomical mystery, I would like the pursue physics at Johns Hopkins while enrolling in the offered astronomy courses. Working with Nobel Prize laureate Adam Riess and other renowned astrophysicists will provide me with the best minds to begin this endeavor. The outstanding Space Telescope Science Institute will serve as the basis of my research of the unfathomable universe. Studying the microscopic world with Johns' Hopkins modern equipment would help me bridge humans to the outside world. Though discovering the truth may take millennia, it would be reassuring to know that we are not just an erroneous mixture of stardust.

Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Essay - Pit Orchestra [5]

This is for the "Describe an extracurricular activity" prompt for the Common App. This is a first draft so please be harsh :D

Surrounded by a sea of honks and blares, I try to overcome them with my unassuming violin. Though barely audible, I play my best, fueled by the passion of my peers.

I joined pit orchestra not to flaunt my musical abilities, but to perform with a dedicated group of students. The students had a genuine love of music unlike the majority of the school band. Immediately, their musical zeal rubbed off on me and became energized me to become a better musician. When I realized that I was the only student violinist pitted against five brass players, I knew I had to work hard. Within weeks, I transformed from a diffident musician shaking in his chair to a confident violinist swaying with passion. Thirty decibels louder, I asserted myself as an integral member of the group. Year after year, I returned less timid and more audible than the last. Pit orchestra was no longer a place of fear; it became a haven for musicians like me who sought challenge and passion, a place where I could be heard. (998 characters)

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement - Little Sister [5]

This is a first draft of the Princeton supplement question: "Write about a person who has influenced you". I think I start out strong but falter in the middle. I would like keep the conclusion though. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

"Here you have a red velvet cupcake topped with whipped cream cheese frosting and a sprinkling of cocoa powder," I formally presented like a competitor on Top Chef. I watched in suspense as my toughest critic took a bite out of my baked concoction. She finished chewing and inhaled to speak. "It's 'unscrumptious'," responded my little sister, her mouth smothered with white frosting. Using her knowledge from watching Food Network, she informed me that the frosting needed more sugar.

Growing up, I discovered that it was difficult for my parents to honestly criticize me. They would always remark, "Oh, it's fine" or "This is excellent!" if they were feeling exceptionally motivational. Despite their positive attitudes, I knew I needed genuine critiques if I wanted to improve. Hopeless, I eventually turned to Caroline, my petite sibling who turned out to be the only truthful judge in the house.

Caroline may be lacking in the height department but her words sure do pack a punch. Her words are like vaccine shots: they hurt going in but the outcome is always better. When I followed her advice and sweetened the frosting, the cupcakes ended up being bestsellers at a Spanish National Honor Society bake sale. As I continued to bake up decadent brownies, towering cakes and miniature macaroons, I sought Caroline's input. Each time she would inform me of a deficiency in taste or an unappetizing presentation. Her palate became a guide for me, and soon enough I perfected each recipe I attempted, satiating even Caroline. After creating dozens of baked goods, I felt accomplished enough to open my own bakery and I envisioned my sister as a judge on Iron Chef.

Whether it's because she's fearless or ignorant, Caroline has the ability to reach places not even my parents or friends could attain. Attacking my every move and judging each remark, she has revealed a completely new world to me, a world of imperfections. Things that I never would have known like my glasses being too low or my speaking too quickly were made obvious by her observations. As a result, I repaired these dents in the armor and evolved into a more refined person.

Caroline has also opened me up to criticism. She embodies the negative extreme of the spectrum making it easier for me to soak in the criticisms of my peers. Rather than getting infuriated or stubborn, I take each criticism to heart and absorb its meaning to avoid making a mistake again.

As a rule of thumb, I find that if I can please my sister, I can please most anyone. However, there are just some things she finds difficult to see as attractive. I can already hear her voice in my head: "This essay is boring." (459)

Undergraduate / Common App Extracurricular Essay - Korea experience [3]

This is a first draft of the short extracurricular essay for the Common App. It's a little weak so I would like to know how I can make it better. I would also like to find a better word for "unwilling". Thanks!

When I went to Korea and volunteered for the Seoul YMCA, I had no idea what it would be like. I expected a group of haphazardly gathered students, unwilling to work over summer break. However, what I discovered was a motivated pack of students eager to improve their community. I had been to Korea many times before, but these students revealed a new Korea to me. We visited a home for mentally ill patients where we washed blankets the old-fashioned way - stepping on them in large buckets. Making soap bubbles with our feet, the physical labor did not falter us, as we were empowered by a common goal. This unexpected fervor continued into other activities. We chanted endlessly outside the YMCA to raise money for disabled patients and despite our failure to raise significant money, we still held our heads high at the end of the day. As I progress into higher learning, I hope to encounter students who share a common goal, to learn, to thrive. (951)

Speeches / Graduation Speech - "The Present" [5]

This is my valedictorian speech. The theme was to talk about the present.

As humans, we tend to focus too much on the past or the future. However, we fail to live in the present and walk the path that matters - the path that leads to change. Yes, living in the present does require learning from past mistakes, and thinking of future consequences, but it also requires cherishing the moment. It is hard to forget and it is hard not to predict, but living in the present is how we can make a difference.

And that is exactly what we are doing today. As we step into this next phase in our lives, we are making a difference not only to the world around us, but also to ourselves. By having reached this concluding point, we have proved to ourselves that these last four years of our lives were worth it. Those all-nighters spent on writing English essays. Those countless hours dedicated to winning sports championships. That one week of hell put aside to produce an amazing play. Looking back, all these memories were well-worth it and were accomplished by focusing on the present.

How can we focus on the present today? Well, for many of us, this day is not only to bid farewell to our beloved home of Wallkill but also a day to put on our grown-up shoes and greet the world of higher education, careers, and military service. But let's not be so eager to say good-bye to Wallkill. We want to be able to look back at this exact moment and clearly remember the pride and excitement we felt; not what college we were going to or the regrets we had throughout high school, but how this day was just perfect. This day should not be a day of forgetting but a day worth remembering.

And, for the first time in a while, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Four years of friendship, laughter, and hard work have led us here and only great things await us in the road ahead. But for now, let us spend these last few months living in the present, forgetting about past mistakes and not worrying about our future.

My fellow Wallkillians, it has been an absolute pleasure embarking on this memorable journey with all of you and I wish each one of you the best of luck in the future and although we are never coming back, we will never forget because, "while memories may fade, they are never lost".