Undergraduate / "My family guides and supports me" - UC personal statement [7]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As I continue to walk on the long, meandering path that is my life, I look back and I am able to juxtapose where I am now, to where I used to be. I can see how my journey has developed, been shaped, and how I arrived where I am. This arduous path I have not traveled alone; by my side, as Virgil guided Dante, my family guides and supports me through my path, giving me the tools I need on my rigorous journey.

One of my biggest guides has been my brother, Mario. My brother has always had a strong will, refusing to allow others to dictate what he can and can not do from birth. Born with muscular dystrophy, my brother was not expected to see his first birthday. Now fifteen years old, my brother has shattered the prognosis of the doctors and has persevered through all the adversities that he has faced with no apparent fear. The radiant smile that makes him glow and the jovial aura that emanates from him bear no witness to his harsh trials. As I matured and realized the resilience of my brother's character, I strived to emulate him; always advancing forward, doing my best, uninhibited by the obstacles that I face.

In doing this, I have excelled in preparing myself for college: taking AP classes, applying to four-year universities?things that no one in my family has done before; having no one to guide me through the steps that are necessary to be successful, it made it that much more of a struggle. However, through my own initiatives, I managed to do well in my AP classes, learn about different colleges and the application process by visiting different web sites, talking with my counselor, and asking friends who had the help of their older siblings, or parents familiar with the process.

Yet, even though I could not get much help from my family in that respect, I at all times had their support, motivating me to take initiative. Their incessant support not only motivates me to take initiative, it has also made me determined to succeed not just for my sake, but as a way to help my mom and dad have a better life when they get older. Having supplied me with almost everything I needed, and having always supported me, I find it a necessity to repay them for their investments in my future, making me more determined than ever to reach heights that no one else in my family has had the opportunity to reach.

However, as much as I have learned from my family and excelled because of them, the greatest hardship for me has been coming to terms with my brother's debilitating disease. Having had a profound influence on the person I am, I often find a multitude of steaming tears streaking down my face as I think of every surgical procedure my brother has had to endure, and the pain he consequently felt. An iron anchor weighs down my soul as I, without a way to alleviate his suffering, see my brother's eyes become consumed with sadness and desire as he watches others walk, run, and go as they please; all the while, he remains constrained and chained to a miserable, electric chair. Having witnessed my brother's ordeals, I have developed an affinity towards medicine. An affinity developed by, at the present moment, an unattainable, insatiable desire to help my brother. Thus, this last hardship becomes a motivating and driving force, progressing forward, uninhibited towards that final goal.

For now, I will continue on this path aided by the vital guidance my family provides me and the determination they create. When all is said in done, I will look back at the long, arduous path I took and at all of the achievements I accomplished along the way because my family's influence. At that final moment, I will look towards the horizon and see my brother no longer constrained to that miserable chair, but as free as a bird released from its cage, as I arrive at my final destination: heaven.

Any criticism would be helpful. A little long, i know. Is it an adequate response to the prompt?

Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

any criticisms welcomed :)

I have changed the essay to fit the common app question of Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you or topic of my choice.

Through my window I see the melancholy, tired faces of those arriving from a day's hard work, smell the aroma of freshly cooked tamales or carne asada that wafts through the window screen and hear the upbeat, festive "Banda" music playing across the street along with the laughter and cheers of a festive occasion. Through this window, however, I also see the "G's" walking with a swagger as if they owned the neighborhood and the drug dealers that expand their enterprises by getting the youth of my community addicted. Gunshots reverberate through the air, another person fell victim to the inane gang warfare. Through my window I observe what my culture is and what, at times, it is unjustly considered to be. Misconceptions of my culture-Mexican-American and generally Hispanic-are not always engendered and perpetuated by those that are not a part of it. In fact, the greatest discrimination and injustice that I have been through has come from my own people.

I had always done well in school since I always held high expectations of myself. My laurels, however, brought great criticism from my peers who called me a nerd, geek, and a book worm. They claimed I was too smart to be Mexican. I was just an Asian in a Mexican's skin. Their standards were not as high as mine and being academically successful was not "cool" to them-in fact, to much of the youth in my community, academic success is not held in high regard. However, the most hurtful remark they made was calling me white washed; the classes I took had mostly White and Asian students, many of them I made friends with. As a Mexican-American, with immigrant parents, I could not think of anything else more degrading than losing my culture. Did I, in my path to success, compromise who I was and the culture I came from? I entered a stage of harsh self-reflection, and began to conform to their standards. My grades slipped in freshmen year as I spent time with my friends instead of studying or doing homework. Our friendship solidified. I no longer was the black sheep in the group, and no longer did I feel like I was losing an essential part of me.

Rather quickly, however, I was confronted by my friends in my classes, asking me why I was slipping up so much. I explained to them the situation that I faced and all of them said basically the same thing: Angel, you are better than that, do not let that hamper your success in school. It was not until after I realized that the friends I had in my classes had the same amount of ambition, motivation, and perseverance that I did, that I heeded their words. I restored my work ethic, and continued to maintain the high standards that I kept before. Being surrounded by people who had high aspirations, and constantly strove for them, motivated me to push the boundaries of my own success and standards-many of them having standards that equaled mine, as well as exceeded mine-and not to allow my friends at home to limit my potential. Their influence also motivated me to continue to challenge my mental capacities with rigorous classes and to always strive for, and achieve, my greatest aspirations just like many of them did. The positive reinforcement that they provided me with ensured me that all the hard work I do now in school will pay off in the future, allowing me to pursue higher education-something only my sister attempted at a community college but dropped out because she gave birth-and to aspire for a professional career.

Now, I always strive for my best in everything that I do in spite of the jeers or remarks I might get from my friends at home, or anyone. Also, I realize how naďve I had been in thinking that doing well academically meant I was losing my culture and heritage, and how deeply rooted such fallacies are within my own culture. Not doing well in school is not part of the Hispanic culture; it is only a common misconception that others have in mind and that, sadly, many Hispanics have come to embrace as fact. Also, that because of this, they waste the opportunity that their parents came to America for, often working two or three jobs just to provide for their family. I refuse to be one of the many statistics; I will obtain a higher education and be a successful Hispanic, a successful Mexican-American, through my endeavors, and never strive for anything less than my greatest aspirations.

Let me know what you think. Any criticism is readily welcomed! As long as it is constructive that is :)

Undergraduate / Why Stanford ("the most brilliant, diverse and compelling people") [4]

What makes Stanford a good place for you?

As one of the most selective universities in California, and the U.S, I am assured that the student body at Stanford University is compromised of the most brilliant, diverse and compelling people unmatched by any other university. Not only is the student body brilliant but also the faculty which is compromised of Nobel laureates and MacArthur fellows. It is this that created an affinity towards Stanford in me in the first place; the great minds that can be found there.

Being surrounded by such brilliant minds creates an intellectually stimulating environment, something that I truly enjoy. The possibilities of the many discussions or conversations that can be had just outside of the classroom are unfathomable, much less the sort of discussion in the classroom. And although some may fear that they will be outshined by someone who is more intelligent than them, it will act as a driving force for me, maintaining my momentum strong, striving to match those who may be at a higher level than I am.

Stanford also has a strong commitment to not only teaching but research as well, something that also intrigues me, and with its seven on campus schools, independent research labs and centers, I would be hard pressed not to participate in any research projects or programs. Not only will I be able to do research in my own field of study but as well as aid other students and faculty in their own field of study. This research will allow me to put my knowledge into practice, better preparing me for my future career.

As someone who likes to be in an intellectually engaging environment, pushed by his fellow peers and wants to be as best prepared for his future career, I believe that Stanford is a great match for me. It will provide me with all that I could possibly ask for a school and possibly much more.

Undergraduate / CMC essay; "First in war, first in peace, and first in our countrymen's hearts" [16]

Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

I have edited it a bit. Comments?

It is used as a means of exchange, so trivial and mundane that most people would not for one second contemplate its features. Yet, upon it is the portrait of a founding father whose legacy is so pervasive, that to this day it resonates loud and clear and engenders admiration for him. The Father of Our Country, George Washington, transformed a rag-tag, undisciplined army into the army that defeated the militarily superior behemoth of Great Britain, giving the 13 colonies their independence. Definitely a well versed military leader but his attributes as a great leader were more ostentatiously displayed in times of peace.

Near the end of the Revolutionary war, the Newburgh conspiracy was created. The disgruntled military officers, irate because Congress had not paid them, planned a coup to force Congress to pay their debt. Washington responded to the plans by pointing out his own sacrifices and saying that not only had he aged in servitude to his country but had also gone blind, and denounced their plans as treasonous . With that single statement he had been able to dissipate the mutinous sentiments and had reminded them that their loyalty should not be with the army but with their country. The treasonous plans were abandoned and the trust in Congress restored. In this potentially damaging incident, Washington displayed his unwavering adherence to his own principles and morals; even though his fellow military officers expressed contempt and complained about his refusal to follow their calling, he did not succumb to their desires and kept to the course that he believed would benefit the newly freed America. It also displayed his self-discipline and altruistic nature. He could have easily led the coup, overthrown Congress and placed himself in power, making himself King or Emperor. The American Revolution would have therefore been obsolete. The ideals of a democracy lost as it would have been a transition of power between two people, and not a reform movement for a better way to govern the people.

After the Newburgh incident, Washington resigned as the commander of the Continental Army. He relinquished all the power that he had as a military officer, believing that he had accomplished that with which he had been entrusted to carry out. In fact, he had accepted his position as commander, in his own words, "with diffidence". He was not driven by his own greed and desire for power but by a sense of duty, and would rather be part of the civil sphere of society rather than the military one. His resignation as commander coupled with the Newburgh conspiracy, helped promote the idea that in America, military power shall be subordinate to civilian authority-an ideal that to this day is practiced in our political system and has aided the longevity of our constitution, and in effect, our government, strengthening the power in the people by reducing the power of the military. His loyalty, and concern, was not towards himself or the army, but towards his country and its people. Ultimately, it preserved the ideals that Washington and others so assiduously fought for: freedom from the English monarchy and a democratic form of government ruled by the people for the people, ideals that Washington would repeatedly stand by.

Perhaps, however, his greatest display of a great leadership was his refusal to run for a third term office. After having reluctantly accepted a second term in office, when asked to run for a third term he simply said no and returned to his plantation. He chose to again relinquish his power, something that in the course of history is an extremely rare occurrence. Washington could have run for re-election after every term and would have most likely been elected by the people every time. Instead, he decided to uphold the ideals of freedom and democracy that he, and others, had so arduously fought for in the war against Great Britain, and refused to become "King Washington", indefinite ruler of America; he rose by falling. His choice to relinquish power demonstrates extreme self-discipline when faced with the opportunity to expand it, greed being one of the many intrinsic vices in man's nature. However, this critical precedent of limiting the term in office to two-only broken by Franklin D. Roosevelt-prevented others from, in effect, becoming "King of America" as well. Thus, in the process, it created a natural buffer in our political system that prevents one person from ruling indefinitely and destroying the principles that our country was established upon. Even after death, his actions helped protect the very ideals he had fought for when he was living.

Washington not only acquired America's freedom, but he also established the foundation for our country to sit on, grow and uphold the ideals of democracy and freedom for which our Founding Fathers so relentlessly fought for. Integrity incarnate, he never vacillated in the principles that guided him and always maintained his country and people above everything else, and right fully so was held in high-esteem by his contemporaries. Considered by some the best President of America, if there is anyone that embodies a true leader, Washington is nearly perfect. Deserving the epitaph, Father of Our Country, Washington truly is- as Congress put in his eulogy-the "First in war, first in peace, and first in our countrymen's hearts".

Comments would be greatly appreciated! And is it too long?