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Posts by CVP1993
Joined: Dec 31, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  
From: United States of America

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CVP1993   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Potato Salad and Chitlins - how spent summers Princeton [5]

1. I really love your essay. It's fresh, articulate, and well-written but still shows enough of your personality without sounding too scripted.
2. I think that it's awesome that you had the chance to go to Paris, I am extremely jealous.
3. While Paris is awesome, is there any way you could scale back on some of the details without losing the feeling of your essay? I think there might be a way if you spend some time cutting and wording things creatively. I'm only suggesting this because I feel that your paragraph on Paris is significantly larger than the one on your summer in Pittsburgh.

4. As stated earlier, I think that it would be beneficial to try your best to rearrange things in order to give you more words for your conclusion. It's good, but I can tell by the way you write that it can be amazing! Maybe you can try re-wording it and saying something along the lines of you entering back into submission or strict expectations, but with your own new interests and an increased confidence in your abilities... I think you'll work it out.

Good luck with your essays, I know deadlines are coming up really fast, but I hope this helps!
CVP1993   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / The African American girl with a Spanish name who's in French Honor Society [6]

Laugh at my title all you want, but it's true! And it caught your attention ;)

Okay so I need any feedback I can get on one of my mini-essays for the Stanford Supplement. The Roommate Letter... dun dun dun. Okay so time for business,

-Honesty is appreciated. Please don't sugarcoat.

-I'm trying to send this in by tonight... -__- We'll see how that goes..

-I feel like this is kinda long, but the common app says to use at least 250 words, but the box will only hold 2,000 characters. This is like 300 something words, but it's only 1,900 something characters.. I think it'll fit. If you ahve any experience with that please share your wisdom!

-Thanks for reading this!

PROMPT:Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate -and us- know you better.

Hi Roomie!
My name's Carmen and I like simple things, but I have always had a passion to do things in life that many people might find unconventional. My dreams include walking in New York Fashion Week as a model, visiting Dubai, designing a best-selling video game, and leaving behind a legacy that will affect a lot more people than just me. That list may seem all over the place, but that list is me. I am all over the place. I'm the girl with a Spanish name, in French Honor society who's African American. I'm the girl who's 5"9 that loves wearing heels. I'm the girl that listens to everything from The Band Perry to Lupe Fiasco.

I have interests everywhere. I look at college as the time for me to sharpen those that I really have a passion for and start dedicating time to my ideas that I want to see expand. I know college will be a lot of work, but I know I'm ready for it. The last four years of high school have been full of hard-work, no sleep, and memories ranging from "I wish I could forget this" to "unforgettable." While it was a little sad to say goodbye, it was absolutely necessary. The time has come for us to start our new chapters and I am more than excited to meet you. I want us to have a good relationship as roommates, but also as friends. It's hard enough being thrust out of our elements with no knowledge of what's to come, but that is essentially the fun of college. I am a slight neat freak, but I'm not over the top. I just like organization. I also like food. No, I take that back. Like would be an understatement. I love food! I promise that our mini fridge will never see an empty day and I'll always keep a never ending arsenal of Laffy Taffy's in case you ever have a bad day. They work wonders for cheering people up!

That being said, I hope this note worked a little to ease any anxiety or worry you had about moving in and also gave you some insight into your future roommate.

To infinity and beyond,
Carmen
CVP1993   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Rice University supplement -- the perspective of a dust cloud person [2]

1. In the second line change "her" to "here." **Were you brought "here" by the dust cloud?
2. In the 6th line change "cafes" to "cafe's"
3. 2nd paragraph, 3rd line you can add: "with whom I talked to..."
4. 2nd paragraph, 6th line change "touristy" to "tourist." I understand what you're trying to do, but it just doesn't portray you as smart as I think you are.

5. I like the overall direction you're heading in within the 2nd paragraph but I think you should go back and re-think the lines when you describe the exchange between your friend at the concert. Try to make a transition into talking about Germany and reaching it from Italy because it sounds like you are implying that Munich is in Rome.

6. Work on the start of your 3rd paragraph (Starting at "When the airports opened again...). Again, I get where you're trying to go, but it just doesn't sound cohesive with the concluding sentence. You never explictly state what conclusion you reached about Munich. I like how you recall your observations, but maybe you could try cutting some of those so you can state your conclusion about the city as a whole.

7. 3rd paragraph, 6th line down, change "aware not just of the place's past" to "aware of the city's past" because place's sounds too vague and it just reads weird.

8. Continuing with that sentence as a whole, try to combine the part where you make note of the past and vibrant present or just end the sentence after "vibrant present" because that last bit sounds like you're just running on. But try combining the bit about the people before you cut it because I do like it.

9. I love your last sentence because it ties everything together. It's really unique as well.

Overall, you have a good story to tell and I like your approach, I just suggest that you work on some technical stuff like making sure the essays flows and the words you pick are descriptive enough.

Can you check out my roommate essay to Stanford? It's titled "The African American girl with a Spanish name who's in French Honor Society. I know.."
CVP1993   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Live a life of integrity - Stanford Supplement Essay [3]

-Please edit/criticize/tear-apart this essay all you feel the need to, because I appreciate all criticism!! Please be blunt and don't sugar coat.

-I'm trying to submit this tonight so any quick feedback is welcome!

-I don't feel too confident about my conclusion, and I feel that it needs alot of help, so please feel free...

Prompt: What matters to you, and why?

The motivational speaker and author, Denis E. Waitley once said, "A life lived with integrity - even if it lacks the trappings of fame and fortune is a shining star in whose light others may follow in the years." Integrity is something that we all find ourselves in a struggle with at one point or another during our lives. For me, it is something that I struggle with daily. To do what I know is right even when no one is watching, to monitor what I say in speech, to internally guide my actions so as not to lead others to false conclusions about who I am as a person. That is my struggle. But as convoluted as it seems, that is what matters to me. Not because I let other people's opinions mold me, but because I want to let the way I live my life mold others. The inner struggle of integrity is what matters, because when all is said and done, that will be all that remains. My choices I make now are affecting others and I know this. I am aware that I am a very influential person. Whether it is to my friends, family, or even strangers, I am aware of the power I possess that I could easily abuse. That is why everyday that I am alive, I try my best to carry myself with integrity and stray from things that encourage the opposite. This is not easy being that I am so young, but as I mentioned before, I know that I when I am gone, I want others to be able to look at how I lived and feel that they too can live their lives with integrity. I am in no ways saying that I am perfect or that I will never make a mistake, because I have, but I am saying that there is no harm in trying to live the best way I can, or in thinking past yourself and your lifetime.
CVP1993   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Surfing and water' - Common App: Extracurricular Essay [5]

I like where you're trying to go overall --> determination, will power, etc but here's some things I found that can be worked on.

1. I think you should change the essay as a whole so that it reads in present tense. I know it sounds weird because you're talking about a memory, but you should also be trying to give your audience a more in-depth look into who you are, and I think by putting your thoughts in first person they'd really feel like they are getting that. Example:

Intoxicated by the thick chlorine that filled the air, I sit silently on the foam ledge. Looking into the large crowd, I amisolated only by my thoughts.

And just continue going through changing past tense to present. If you like that suggestion ;)

2. I think you should consider re-wording this part:

I was on the verge of losing consciousness when, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" It was the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage of the sport. Even if I were to become the champion who would care other than my close friends and followers of the sport? People will still look at me like I'm from another planet when I tell them I surf in Missouri. Even the harshest critics would still consider my passion a joke.

I think something like this would be better: I am on the verge of losing consciousness when I ask myself: "Why am I doing this?" It is the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage for surfers to showcase their passion and try for the title. Even if I were to win, no one would care past my close friends and fans of the sport. Regardless of any trophy or title, I would still get the same weird looks when I tell people that I surf in Missouri. I would just omit that last bit about the critics because that is basically implied when you mention that no one else but your friends would care. And if you like this suggestion, but are worried about word count/characters (with spaces!), I checked and your original wording for that section was 82 words w/ 439 characters & spaces, and mine is 81 words w/ 415 characters & spaces.

3.

Despite all of the opposition I had found it inside myself to continue. I surf for my own enjoyment, not for other people's opinions. Nothing can replace the wonderful feeling of gliding along the water and the idea of living life in the present. One day, when Flowboarding is just as popular as football, I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother that I love her. This is why I surf.

I would say: "Taking a minute away from my thoughts, I remind myself that I surf for my own enjoyment, not anyone else's, and the strength to compete that day came from within. Looking back at that day, I have no regrets. I have no doubt that one day flowboarding will be as popular as football, and I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother I love her. This is why I surf. There's no feeling that can replace the wonderful one that rises up inside of me as I glide along the water; living my life in the present, my way.

4. So all in all, here's how I would edit your essay. Oh, and in case you're wondering: word count is 188 and characters including spaces is 997.

The thick chlorine intoxicating me, I sit silently on the foam ledge. Looking into the large crowd, I am isolated only by my thoughts. On the verge of losing consciousness, I ask myself: "Why am I doing this?" It is the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage for surfers to showcase their skill and try for the title. Even if I were to win, no one would care past my close friends and fans of the sport. Regardless of any trophy or title, I would still get the same weird looks when I tell people that I surf in Missouri. Taking time away from my thoughts, I remind myself that I surf for my own enjoyment, not anyone else's. Looking back, I know that the strength to compete that day came from within. One day, when Flowboarding is just as popular as football, I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother that I love her. This is why I surf. There's nothing that can replace the wonderful feeling of gliding along the water; living my life in the present, my way.

I hope this helps you, or at least gives you a starting point! And I wish you the best of luck with your apps! If you have time please come critique mine: "Live a life of integrity - Stanford Supplement Essay"
CVP1993   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Knowledge matters. People matter. Life matters' - Stanford [4]

1.

Many sleepless nights allow for questions of why? What am I doing here, and where do I belong? to cloud my mind, demanding answers while none are there.

2.

Therefore, there must be a purpose for each one of our lives, and I want to fulfill mine .

3.

Discovering the reasons for everything while determining my purpose is what matters to me most.

I feel like saying "the reasons for everything" is really broad. And if you do believe in God (as do I) then you would know that while we are living we will never discover the "reasons" or better yet, the answers for the why certain things are the way they are. I would consider re-wording or finding new words for that part.

4.

"how can lack of sun cause depressions? "

5.

Upon mastering great understanding comes the ability to connect with others from multiple different angles.

I don't think this sentence serves any purpose within your essay, and you might want to think about deleting it.

6.

My desire to aid in the struggles that are common to the human race is why my thirst for knowledge is so vital.

7.

Without a strong understanding of the "why's" and "how's" I cannot helpleave behind researchbenefitthat helps to benefit others aslike former erudite scholars have before me.

8. I really like your last few sentences, they definitely add a sophisticated touch to your essay overall. That being said, I see where you're trying to go, but I think with another editing session and some touching up your essay will really shine. Right now it sounds good, but it's not really showing your personality, you know? It is very formal and while I do understand that this is for Stanford and you want to impress (I'm applying there too), you should still keep in mind that your audience wants to know one simple question. What matters to you? They're not looking for a formal thesis, they just want to know what you are passionate about, and I can tell that you do have a yearning for research and studies, but the way you present that in writing almost stifles your voice.

I really hope this helps you out a bit and I wish you the best with all of your applications!! Hopefully we'll both be at Stanford come fall!
CVP1993   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Live a life of integrity - Stanford Supplement Essay [3]

Thank you both very much!! I will definitely cut back on the "struggles" [woe is me ;) lol] and do some hard editing! I posted on one of yours Katelyn and Dilara I will post on yours too! I just need a few minutes ;) Happy "essaying!"
CVP1993   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / The final battle; with the winner coming out with her life - Stanford Supplement [11]

-Any input is welcome! This is due in exactly 59 minutes!!!
-I am like 260 characters over the 2,000 limit so any elimination tips are also welcome!
-I don't really like my conclusion, I know it needs work...
-Be brutal & don't sugarcoat!!
Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

My mother was not a very strict parent overall, but when it came to school; there was no room for any dissention from her rules. School came first, no matter what was going on. This no-nonsense type of attitude that my mother held within her was engrained in not just me, but all three of my older sisters as well. Aside from the difficulties of raising four children alone, one of those having an extreme mental disability, my mother was also in the midst of her own battle. Being that I was probably only eight years old when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, a lot of the details of her condition were kept a secret from me. And a well-kept one too, until I could start putting two and two together, and became attentive enough to see the outward effects the disease was having on her body. My mother had been facing uterine cancer for 5 years when it metastasized to her lungs in what would be their final battle; the winner coming out with her life. While I could never really forget that my mother had cancer, I did my best to avoid thinking about the outcome that we knew could come at any time. This involved silent trips to the hospital; engrossed in magazines and books for hours while her chemotherapy went on, turning my head away whenever her shirt would droop, revealing her portacath doctors had installed to make chemo easier, and adhering to whatever she asked of me, without question. My mother died on the fourth day of October in two-thousand and six, five days before my thirteenth birthday. While I was devastated, when I left my mother's funeral, the day after my birthday, I knew that I was already a different person. Harboring a desire to make my mother proud no matter what, I knew I had to put my focus on academics. So focus I did. I poured endless time into challenging myself with difficult classes and trying to get good grades. Although my mother's death was hard for me to deal with, it is what pushed me to strive harder for things academically and also altered my thinking. I know now that hard work is what brings about desirable outcomes, not wishful thinking. Moreover, her death sparked a new hunger within me that I find myself constantly trying to feed the more I learn. A hunger that I hope is never satisfied.
CVP1993   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'double majoring in Astronomy and Economics' - CORNELL [3]

1.

Throughout my childhood I dreamed of becoming an astronaut and loved reading picture books on the Solar System and space missions. In second grade I wrote my first report on Mars, a planet which still intrigues me today.

I would re-word to "Throughout my childhood my dream of becoming an astronaut stemmed from time spent reading books on space and the solar system; even dedicating my first written report to Mars, my favorite planet." Your original sentence is 38 words, that one is 32.

2.

In engagingStudying these subjects, I can begin to grasplearn about the power and implications of contemporary theories in Astronomy, such aslike the nature of black holes, multiple universes, possibilities for time travel, and dark matter.

I know you don't want to get rid of all of your details, but that's what it's going to take to shorten it up a bit.

3.

The strong Astronomy program at Cornell University would be the ideal place to pursue my interests and questions further. Additionally, my analytical thinking skills and ability to use mathematics and quantitative problem solving will be a value to the program. I am eager to take advantage of the opportunity to be taught by skilled and knowledgable professors, and to take the fascinating courses offered in the Astronomy unit at Cornell.

I would eliminate that because Cornell has more than enough applicants who are just as qualified as you are. They know that. Put more emphasis on how their program can help you achieve, not on how your qualities would help better their program.

4.

My other academic interests are in Economics and Internationally Studies, hence my choice in an additional major and minor .

This is implied in your very first sentence. No need to mention it again.

5.

This is a huge advantage as economics largely entails mathematics, through analyses, probability, and statistics.

Consider eliminating this, because your audience (who I'm sure will know what economics entails, especially what their curriculum/program entails) will find this almost insulting and unnecessary.

6.

Working in Economics and International Affairs will require writing policy reports, analytical reports, and other essays, and I know I can utilize my skills to accomplish these.

I think this sentence is not needed because again you are saying how you will use your skills to succeed in the workplace. If you want to keep it, consider re-wording it to make it say something about how their programs will either give you the skills to succeed, or how the curriculum will sharpen your skills.

7.

Though my academic interests are diverse, encompassing natural and social sciences, as well as Mathematics, the College of Arts and Sciences at Cornell University would be the ideal place to explore these interests and secure an essential foundation for my future career.

The part that I crossed out seems redundant because they know what you want to major in, as you have stated it explictly multiple times above.

I am in no ways trying to tear your essay apart, just trying to help! Good luck with your application, I visited Cornell this summer and it is a great school with a beautiful campus! Please take a look at my essay for Stanford the own titled "the winner coming out with her life!!" I need all the help I can get!!!
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