Writing Feedback / 'not only money' - IELTS: Reasons why people go to work. [3]

Inconclussion To conclude or In conclusion, there are a lot of motivations for people to work, not only money although in same cases this is the imperative reason

Poetry / 8 syllable poem (popular in Thai) [13]

In the sky very far away
one could say a word through space
regardless of distance and destiny
the glance he once made, you're the only one...

Writing Feedback / Should cell phones or pagers be allowed in class? [3]

They should not be allowed as they could hamper the teacher student relationship.

Essays / How do I justify my SOP in stating why I learned Thai language and now applying for Australia? [4]

Remember, your SOP shall reflect only positive qualities in your work.

What was the purpose of moving to Thailand? If you moved to Thailand for learning Thai language then you can simply mention your love for multi-cultural environment and it really helps in all workplaces. Then you can explain how living in Thailand changed the way you look towards Environment. Australia being an island is very concerned about its environment and uses latest technology to maintain it. You can do some research in the cutting edge technology being used in Australia and include it in SOP. At the end you can write something for your country e.g. after gaining knowledge regarding environment planning from the university you wish to use similar ideas in Pakistan to improve environmental planning etc.

If you need more help, let me know. :)

Writing Feedback / My Thrilling Birth Day Surprise in Royal Boutique - simple narrative essay [2]

My Thrilling Birth Day Birthday Surprise

My unforgettable experience happened in my birth day surprise several months ago in Royal Boutique.It all came on December 20th, 2014 . I had an unforgettable birthday surprise a couple months ago on December 20, 2014.All activities I joined were almost in that place for a competition called Teruna Teruni Bali.It took place at Royal Boutique, where I was preparing for a competition called "Teruna Teruni Bali".On the quarantine dayWhen the day of the competition arrived , my friends who were my competitors and Imy friends and I gathered in a Royal Boutique's meeting room at Royal Boutiquefor discussingto discuss the preparation that we should do. I lost my competition t-shirt and, but the committee took it as a small matter asand I forgot it easily. All was going well until I got the crewsthe crew members asked me about the t-shirt. I was suddenly confused on what to say. The more they asked me, the more I felt nervous and guilty, since I had no any idea where it was. In the end, one of the committee membersdecided to give me choices whether he resign himself from the committee or I myself left as a non-active active participant.gave me the option that either he resigns or I quit the competition . In additionSince I had to quit the competition , I was not allowed to join any of the activities any moreanymore . I was completely shockedupsetas I felt how big my struggle for this competition and I had to leave because the lost t-shirtbecause I was dismissed for just losing the t-shirt . Finally,As I was leaving, they asked me to come forward and stand up. Everybody was silent, and all the situation changed into a surprisingly atmosphere when one of crewscrew members asked me softly "when is your birth day?", "When is your birthday?" I closed my eyes and tried to lock my mouth as I wanted to yell louder and louder. I heard my friends and committee cloppedclap their hands while they were singing a birth daybirthday song to me. I could not stop thinking for my small friends' caringcare and lovinglovefor me on my birth daybirthday . This will be kept in my heart forever. Thanks my friends!

Hey Komank, I am glad your story had a great ending. I added and re-arranged your sentences to bridge some gaps in your story and make it more grammatically correct.

Essays / How do I justify my SOP in stating why I learned Thai language and now applying for Australia? [4]

You can use something like this:

Since I have been to different countries and interacted with several nationalities, I can develop a variety of viewpoints to solve problems.

With knowledge of different cultures, I will know the habits of colleagues so that they can avoid conflicts when they have cultural problems.

Undergraduate / "We spent so much money on you and this is how you repay us?" Since your last application- Stanford [3]

"We spent so much money on ...

The paragraph is very well written and an image of what actually happened appears in front of the reader.

The dark winged birds and starless thoughts became ...

You have very well captured the "Indian Mentality" in this paragraph because 90% parents impose their dreams onto their children. You should try to make it even better by capturing in this paragraph that your parents wanted you to be a doctor or an engineer but you always saw a "Poet" inside you heart. You finally proved your parents that you achieved what you strived for. This will change the thinking of admission officer and would see you as a great leader who has an urge to bring a change.

The transition was difficult with traumatic nuances ...
In the end of my first semester, I createdfounded a Poetry Club where I spent ...

Please do mention if your Poetry Club bagged any awards or special recognition. It can be done by quoting some examples of suicidal thoughts in your mind but poetry became your friend and you could talk your to your diary in the form of poetry. You passed on same messages to other students who joined your club and they felt really happy. Try to show poetry as your best friend. :)

I liked your poetry but this essay would hold good only if you are trying to seek admission into a literature or language courses. If you are applying for engineering or medical related course then I would recommend you to focus on academic achievements.

Writing Feedback / Australian boys and girls of age 5-14 leisure activities [4]

The graph illustrates the preferred leisure activities of boys and girls at agesage 5-14 in Australia and is measured in percentage. Overall, it is immediately apparent that watching television or videos is the most favorite activity of Australian children.

"Most"in most favourite is redundancy. Favourite implies "most" automatically.

With regards to watching television or videos, 100% of boys and girls in Australia prefer to do it in their leisure timedo this kind of activity in leisure time and become the most activity done by children . More than 80% of boys prefer to play electronic or computer games, though girls are only 60% active . Meanwhile, the percentages of boys who likes bike riding areis more than 70% and women is less than 60%. Art and craft activity is more dominated by girls than boys, which is 58% and 38% respectively. The least activity in free time is skateboarding or rollerblading, 39% of boys and 25% of girls.

More than 70% boys like to ride bikes as compared to their counterparts who like it less than 60%.

Based on the data, despite the watching TV or videos, the favorite activities of kids are electronic or computer games and bike riding. In addition, girls in Australia also like art and craft activity.

Though Kids love to watch TV or videos most of the time but they also participate enthusiastically in electronic or computer games and bike riding. The Australian girls likes art and craft activity most of the time.

Grammar, Usage / "You are the first person I am sending a postcard to" - sentences correction [7]

It's fine. But I'd change "...so I've decided to get..." to "...and got..." (Using 'have decided' would only be natural to announce a decision to take an action that hasn't yet been taken, and since you're writing on the postcard it's obvious that you've already purchased it.)

You are the first person I am sending a postcard to. I saw it yesterday, so I have decided to getand got one for you.

Undergraduate / It was my junior and senior high school. My most memorable childhood at Woranari Chaloem. [2]

I had a memorable childhood at Woranari Chaloem School which is located in Songkhla province . It was my junior high school andas well as senior high school because I studied there for 6 years. My school is located in Songkhla province. There were approximately 3,500 teachersstudents and 200 teachers. It had a great standard in bilingual teachings which were both Thai and English. I would like to recommend this school to any parents who wantwish to give the best education for their children. Woranari Chaloem School hadhas six buildings with different colors.

Each building was named by its ownafter its color. For example, the first and the biggest building was is green so it was called Moragodwannakachee. This building hadhas six floors. Everything in the building was in manyseveral shades of green from the floor to the roof. And other buildings were incolored orange, yellow, violet, white, and pink. TheyThe buildings made my school so colorful and lively.

Also, the teacherswasweresovery kind and generous to students. They always made students involved in wider range of activities. In my opinion, it was very beneficial to them by keeping students engaged and excited about the lessons. I rememberered one of my teachers, her name was Anong. She was my favorite teacher. She taught me how to learn and handle with problems. When I had problems, she always listened and gave me good suggestions.

Moreover, Woranari Chaloem School had very modern teaching aids and technologies. In the library, there were many self-access learning materials to help students easily get the information. The scientific laboratories were modern and well-equipped. In addition, this school also had five fingerprint scanners to check the time of students' attendance. This machine will make you assured that your children attends the school punctually.

In conclusion, it was a fantastic time because I really enjoyed my life at Woranari Chaloem school. This school had fulfilled my childhood. If I have had children, I will sendwould have sent them to study in this school for sure.

Grammar, Usage / "You are the first person I am sending a postcard to" - sentences correction [7]

If you want to use --> "I saw it yesterday, so I have decided to get one for you"

Then you would have to write whole paragraph like this:
I saw a postcard yesterday and I decided to get one for you. You are the first person I am sending a postcard to.
You cannot send a post card before you buy. :)

If you use --> "I saw it yesterday and got one for you" then it would be more meaningful.

Grammatically both sentences are correct but still I would prefer to go with "got".

Letters / Memo to all employers on openness to any ideas for shop improvement [4]

MEMO
Date : March 17, 2015
To : All the employees
From : Andrew White, Manager Yummy Sandwich
RegardingSubject : Open for any ideas to shop improvementFeedback for Store Improvement

I am very thankful to have been here for a long time with themy hard work employees for running the store effectively . Many things have done through both of success and togethernessWe have accomplished several goals by working together and achieved many targets . I noticely propose for the next better future to our shop in order to effect successfully at every single partI believe feedback is crucial for continual success of any organization and I would highly appreciate if you could drop in a few ideas or concerns .Therefore, I am open to have you give me any fruitful ideas on improvment we may take . This aims to bring you either before or after the employees shifts. Any ideas would be welcome and appreciated Please prepare thesfeedback in your convenient time and submit it to my office or alternatively just free feel free to call me upat home between certain hoursduring my work hours .

Thank you.

Letters / Memo to all employers on openness to any ideas for shop improvement [4]

In first sentence --> hard working

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : It is important to keep the circuses exhibition, without using rare animals. [2]

I believe thatAa nimals need to live in natural environment because it a god's gift to them . As per some experts, theyEven experts say that circuses can create stress for the animals since theyare deprived of resources which are abundandtly available in natural habitatsgo out from their natural habitat . From my point of view.I believe thattT he governments in everyall countriescountry should come up with the rolestrategies to protect the animals for being becometo go extinct.

NowadaysIt is the time when the governments should make a role to protect the animals from exploitation since some animals need to do the natural reproduction cycles . For instance, taking a tiger from the wildits den with an aim to create spectacular circuses can cause gradual dwindling of its species if not checked ], by catching from the natural habitat step-by-step can bring this animals become in danger condition as they cannot do the reproduction cycles . As a result, the role of animals protection is so important to create the animals become exist on the future ensure animals exist even in future.

However, this does not mean that the circuses should be closed. Firstly, by seeing visiting the circuses, the students can get m ore knowledge as children can learn about the size, shape, colour and origin of these animals. Also, the animals can entertain many people with the amazing attractionskills , and it will helps the viewers to diminish their stress. Not only this, the circuses performing can bring an income for the animals trainers .

To conclude, it seems to me that by creating a regulation for protecting the animals from exploitation can help thethese poor animals from the dangerous condition, but the animals explorationexhibition such as the circuses have many advantages to some people. Afterwards, it is important to keep the circuses exhibition, without using rare animals.

Tip: If you are preparing for TOEFL, please do not stay neutral. you began your argument against circus shows but at the end you starting favoring circus. Please either stay positive or negative but do not mix.