Undergraduate / Walking Barefoot - Common App Essay Take 1 [3]

Hello everyone!

This is my first try in writing a common app essay. I am thinking it either will fall under "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." or "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." But I have still not decided. Any feedback would be awesome; I am applying to some very selective schools, so don't go easy on me! I have a few particulars I would like you to look for: 1) Does the language get overly wordy? 2) Is there a clear voice/personality? 3) Does the piece ever come off as overly cheesy? and 4) Is the ending too abrupt?

Thank you so much! I will be editing some pieces I see one here, but if you would like me to edit yours just write it in the comment; I would be happy to!

Walking Barefoot

My father is not the walking type. I have met him only a handful of times, but he has a frank way of making it known that the last place you will find him is moseying through a park. So when he smiled, passing his house for a third time, commencing yet another mile loop, I knew it was not because he shared my love of the outdoors. No, we shared something far more dangerous: a competitive drive.

Before we had begun our seemingly endless circling of his block, I had advocated the pleasure of walking barefoot. He wanted me to prove it. And so there I was nearly an hour later, feet blistered from the cement set afire by the Georgia sun. Still, I returned his smile and upped the ante, adding a laugh. We walked on.

If the Irish saying is right and "you don't really know someone until you've lived with them," then I did not know my father until the summer I was sixteen. In the years preceding, I had always felt connected to him only by blood while separated by culture and time spent apart. When he had visited me, the conversation was strained. Silent minutes felt like hours. Therefore it shocked my mom when I decided to spend my summer drenched in the condensation of his home deep down south.

The first few days were rocky. It seemed as though my father valued his rank in online virtual golf more than getting to know me, his daughter. We did not go to the zoo, because my father slept until three in the afternoon. I ate meals alone, because he preferred midnight hotdogs to sit down dinners. I had made the trip to Georgia to sit on the couch and read Girl: Interrupted 15 times.

There were no life-altering incidents or lightning strikes that suddenly opened our eyes, bringing my father and me together. But the little things - daily conversations, trips to the grocery store - began chipping the ice that had for so long stood between us. A new side of my father was revealed. Qualities he possessed became apparent that I not only admired but also strived to emulate. Intelligence, independence, and strong willpower did not fit into the couch potato profile I had associated with my father but rather with the spirit of a man who had spent his youth fighting the discrimination and predetermined limits that came from being an African American of the 60s. With my curiosity alight, I forced my father into storytelling; he exposed the struggles faced going to school during the first years of integration in his small Mississippi hometown.

I was inspired by the hard work and determination that paved the road of my father's youth, but realized that somewhere along his journey he had settled. Instead of walking further, he had planted himself on his couch saying, "Good enough!" And those two words make my father my antithesis. For though I also pave my road to success with hard work and determination, I refuse to stop walking when life gets "good enough," even if it means walking barefoot.

Undergraduate / 'through all of my research' - University of Chicago Supplement - Why Chicago? [3]

Hello! Thank you so much for reading this essay. Any feedback/corrections would be appreciated. I would especially like to know if my essay is clear, unique, and adequately answers the prompt, showing my desire to attend this university!

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

(Title in the working...Suggestions?)

My shortest-lived nickname was George. It came about in elementary school, not because I looked like a boy, but rather because I was curious. And though the name disappeared along with the last of my baby teeth, the curiosity never has. In fact, it is my favorite word: curious.

Not only fun to say, curiosity is the key to growing in knowledge, to learning. So when I began my college search, the word found its way to the top of my checklist - "An institute that inspires curiosity." Finding this school took no great searching, for at the first college informational session I attended, "Exploring Educational Excellence," the University of Chicago's representative told a story that immediately captured my attention. She described a student at the University of Chicago who had attained a spot in one of the most desired classes on campus - Economics with Steven Levitt, author of "Freakonomics." Knowing she possessed a coveted seat, the student wanted a quantitative way of seeing exactly what it was worth. So, in the true spirit of "Freakonomics," she put her spot up on eBay. She, of course, never went through with the sale, but rather was offered research opportunities with Steven Levitt as he was impressed by her tactics. "And that," the representative said, "is the type of student we value at the University of Chicago, one that acts on their own curiosity."

"And that," I thought, "is the environment I want to be enveloped in."

For through all of my research, including the blogs of students, I have found that at the University of Chicago the word learn is not only found in its verb form in the classroom, but as a noun. The college is a sanctuary for learners who push themselves in a multitude of fields with the Core curriculum. Unlike most schools, the University of Chicago's Core does not skim the surface of its different disciplines but rather delves deeply into each study. As an aspiring international studies major with a love of the written word and a secret passion for math, the University of Chicago, its world-renown teachers and stimulating students, would satiate my thirst for learning while setting my curiosity ablaze.

Undergraduate / I am a "DI'er" - Speech and Debate Extracurricular Essay [2]

Feedback/corrections would be appreciated greatly! Thank you so much. :)

From the moment I awake on tournament days - as early as four in the morning - I am no longer Haley Rue. When people ask, I say I am a "DI'er," throughout my piece I call myself Sarah Jane, my competitors know me as "skull girl" in reference to my pantomimed prop, but above all else, I am a speech kid. Being a speech kid is not about what I do. It is about what I believe. When I stand before a room of my competitors and judges, I have faith that 26 letters in their thousands of combinations, powered by my voice will transport the room to a world they have never seen. The ten minutes of performing - of deadly silences and searing eye contact - hardly compare to the hours spent laboring over arranging the piece. Yet when I sense that my message on the internal battles of war has moved an audience, it feeds my convictions. Speech and Debate team has proven to me that my greatest tool is not a hammer or even my hands, but rather my voice; with it, I can touch minds.