Writing Feedback / PERSONAL ESSAY what books and reading mean to me [5]

1. you must demonstrate an understanding of the personal essay as a literary form
2. You must demonstrate creativity and thoughtfulness in your writing
3. You must demonstrate an ability to write clearly and effectively

can someone please help me edit this. This is just the beginning of it.

Johann Sebastian Bach, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Ludwig van Beethoven are beautiful composers, expressing their feelings down on paper with lively staccatos, deep forte notes or with a slow yet curious tempo. Starting at a young age, I grew to love reading the emotions of the composer rather than reading school books.

At age 9, I walked into my first piano lesson. I was nervous and unsure of what I was getting myself into. I walked in, greeted the teacher and sat nervously on the bench with my hands tied, folded in my lap. I took deep breaths then closed my eyes, and when I was ready to give up, I heard a friendly tune, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." I saw my teachers fingers move from one note to the next, creating music. I was amazed. I practiced every day after school just playing page after page. I increased my reading skills and was able to feel the music the composer was expressing in each song.

In sixth grade, I turned to the first page of Magic Tree House, but only for pride. Everyone in my class was reading it; however, that magic spark wasn't as strongly lit for me. I enjoyed the books, and didn't mind reading adventurous style of writing, yet music would always cross my mind.

As years passed by, playing the piano was no longer my first choice. When I got bored, watching a movie or reading information on the website was more of my interest. On a rainy afternoon, I was searching the web and came across a page titled "Top 50 Best Sellers." I read the reviews and decided to pick up the number one best seller "Twilight," and I began to read it. I started off with a couple pages, then pages turned to chapters, and before I knew it, I was finished the book. I just could not put the book down. I could relate to this book in so many ways through my life and my peers, excluding the vampire part. I thought the way Stephanie Meyer wrote the book was really imaginative and artistic. It was an eye opener for me. I found out that authors create stories that relate to everyday situations and try to get the best of the reader's interest. After finishing this book, I continued with the series and many other books that had fascinating plots. I have found another adventurous path to get lost in, when I was not occupied.

Knowing I will soon enter into the life of a University student; if I get accepted that is. I have been thinking about giving up music and just focusing on reading more novels and studying until my brain gave out burning sensations. On that note, I stopped taking lessons during the eleventh grade. I practiced at home for fun, and just kept getting lost in variety of writings. Unsurprisingly, I could not resist the wonderful emotion of letting my feelings dance out of my fingers, and had to get back into reading notes and playing compositions.

Reading novels and stepping back has helped me realize how to handle current situations and be more creative through my own works. In the end, I still prefer reading music more than reading books. Each piece has its own story, as do books. As people could find their own "home" in books, I have both the opportunity to read and express myself through playing pieces of various composers. Reading is great, but reading on the musical side just has more of my interest.

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I prefer reading music rather than reading books. As people could find their own place in books, I have the opportunity to read and express myself through playing music. Each piece has its own story, as do books. Reading is great, but reading on the musical side is just more of my interest.

Undergraduate / admission award (art/music) [3]

Brief statement about your financial need.

I am a grade 12 student working at a family business for 3 years. I work not only to gain money, but mostly to help my parents out. My parents pay for most of my needs and wants. Right now the economy isn't doing well, creating me to work less shifts and making it harder for us to live the life we used to live. As my brother recently moved out and attending university, my parents support my brother's funds and living as well as helping out my grandmother. I would want to help out my parents by applying for financial assistance, whether it is through scholarships or admission awards.

I have been active in school clubs or programs outside the classroom.
I have been active in school clubs such as Link Crew. I volunteered as a leader to encourage new comers to enjoy the school, toured them around the school and was someone to look up to. I was also in the café committee for a while, helping to gain more ideas to apply healthier food choices for the students eating in the café. In addition, every Tuesdays I would help out grade 9's after school, for those who did not know how to work the machines in the exercise room and work out with them.

I have contributed to my school and/or my community.
I have contributed to my community by helping my small growing church when ever there was 30 hour famine, and other small events to support for 3rd world countries and my church. I also contributed in school during cops for cancer and for other researches.

I have excelled in artistic activates.
I have excelled in music. I have done my grade 8 piano exam and both my rudiments theory. Right now I am working on my grade 9 and 10 piano.

Writing Feedback / Political Allegory [3]

quick reviews please. help me edit this essay. animal farm as a political allegory of the russian revolution.

The novel Animal Farm, written by George Orwell explores the nature of the Russian Revolution of 1917. Every character in the novel represents a human that participated in the revolution. The main ideas, plot and schemes of the story are all following the horrible underlying narration that was based on a past history. Animal Farm is a complete political allegory.

The story begins with the animals wanting more power and equality. The farm resembles Russia, as each of the animals living in the farm resembles a Russian politician. Old Major, the prize-winning boar whose vision of a socialist, taught the animals Animalism and died before the revolution began. Old Major represents the German political economist Karl Marx as he invented Communism and died before the Russian Revolution. Old Major left Snowball and Napoleon, the other two boars in charge. Snowball, being a good speaker, wanted a better life for the farm but gets chased away into exile by Napoleon's dogs. As Snowball wanted a better life, Leon Trotsky also wanted to improve life for all in Russia and was a pure communist. He got chased away by Lenin's KGB secret police that supported Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin was not a very good speaker and just as Napoleon cared for power, they both killed opponents, and they both used propaganda to be more in control. The main characters represented a perfect past politician during the Russian Revolution.

For the corrupted Revolution to be achieved, propaganda was used. Squealer, the pig represented propaganda and spread Napoleon's propaganda among the other animals. "Squealer was sent to make the necessary explanations to the others." (pg.23) He spread false statistics for the farm's success. Power was very important to Joseph Stalin and with a secret police force on his side; he kept the country quite throughout the year. This is exactly how Squealer worked his way around the farm. He would keep the animals quite while changing and manipulating the commandments. "All orders were now issued through Squealer."(pg.62) Propaganda worked for Stalin to support his image and convinced the people to follow Stalin. The plans to achieve the same effect were used and with the farm getting out of control without the animals noticing is a perfect example of propaganda.

Both the Russian Revolution and the Rebellion in Animal Farm went wrong. The Principles of Animalism was being forgotten, "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." (pg.90) All the animals just agreed with the leader and followed their every instruction. As to Communism in the Russian Revolution, all people were said to be equal, but clearly Communism cannot be attained when wanting more power. Joseph Stalin fell short and didn't treat everyone as equals. As Napoleon takes over, he starts to beat other animals, trade with the humans and forget about the 7 commandments. Gaining power was both the leaders' intention, creating the Revolution to be a failure.

The Animal Farm is a political allegory and a dystopian novel. George Orwell wrote this book based on the Russian Revolution and basically showed how pathetic it became. Power took over the leaders and made life in Russia or in the Farm an appalling, astonishing event.

Writing Feedback / Innovation and technology" report on advertisement essay [2]

please help me edit this essay.

Innovation and technology; it is the cornerstone of our modern society and also the foundation of tech savvy companies such as Apple Incorporated. To succeed in today's demanding markets, and especially in the information sector, these companies need to appeal to the increasing, technologically conscience demographic of today. Apple's advertisement of the iPod Touch does so through the use of imagery and its associative meanings, ethos appeal and pathos appeal, in their attempt to convey to the consumers that they have the most revolutionary and innovative products on the market.

When first glancing across the promotional webpage for the iPod Touch, images of three iPods dominate the screen; two of which display a picture of two interracial acquaintances in an apparent video conference call. Their facial expression is of bliss and happiness, as if they have never seen each other for some time. In this image, a perfect example of visual "associative meaning" (Myers 146), Apple tries to convey to the consumer that video conferencing is the better and more preferred way to communicate with colleagues. With further analysis, the individual pictures themselves reveal Apple's attempt to associate their product with students and or educated people. The female's background environment suggests she is a student possibly living in a dorm room with a bulletin board, depicting a well-organized and structured individual. The male's background picture consists of books and a book bag, further implying he is a student; however, his environment is of bleachers in an outdoor stadium suggesting that he is an athlete with the associated attributes of discipline, determination, and hard working.

Apple also uses ethos extensively to promote their products. They stress the quality of their product through the description that it is made from "engineered glass... and stainless steal" (Apple 2010) that it is from the highest quality. "Holding one is all the proof you need" (Apple 2010) is also another ethos appeal that tries and legitimizes their product.

However, it is Pathos that dominates the majority of Apple's advertisement repertoire. They play on emotions and ideologies to try and appeal to the consumer. An example of this is their uses of the ideology that we, as technological consumers, want the latest and greatest technologies. In their promotion of the new iPod Touch, they emphasis the device's "HD Video Recording" (Apple 2010) capabilities and say, "Ready, and Action" (Apple 2010) appealing to our desire to produce good qualitative work and that by using their HD camera on their device, you will help us somehow produce qualitative videos like movie director. This "Ready, and Action" (Apple 2010) is also an example of a "weasel word" (Unit 2: Week 4) that implies a meaning but does not actually claim it.

Apple's advertisement of the iPod Touch, through the use of imagery, ethos and pathos appeals greatly distinguishes them from the competition. They use great imagery to appeal to the student market and subsequently the intellectual market, ethos appeals to boast the quality and credibility of their product, and pathos appeals to convince consumers they are innovative and leading edge. Their effectiveness can be simply seen through the success of their products.