Writing Feedback / A school is where people learn and study; ESSAY ON "MY SCHOOL" [3]

A school is where people learn and study. Without school we will never able write even a word. My school's name smk bu (3). It is a Malay government school in Malaysia.

My school environment is clean to let students study comfortably. There are 4 blocks of building in my school. Each building consists of ten classes. Every classes have about 40 students. All of the building's wall has a beautiful mural drew by students. Furthermore, the school have one hectare field, so there will always pupils playing football during the sport period and after the school ended. My school has 3 basketball court, two of the football court is indoor, while the other one is outdoor, therefore we can play basketball even though it was a sunny day or raining day. Moreover, there are 6 outdoor badminton courts.The school basketball team has won many medals and trophies in many competition. This make our school became famous.

There are other things which attract student's particular attention. There is a mini fishpond and a herb garden. Beside that, the school have a science lab for students to make experiments.

There are 89 pupils in or school. All teacher are highly trained and experience. The head mistress is a learned women. She teaches science and geography. She also teaches English. The total of students is smk bu(3) is approximately one thousand and eight hundred students. There are also prefect in our school, they are helpful and polite. The school function at 7.30a.m. till 2.30p.m.. During recess time, students usually go to the library to read books and newspaper. The school's library is very big one. It is full conditioned. There are many subjects and languages such as Malay, English and Chinese. We must gave a card to the librarian in order to lend books, and return them after on week time. Our school canteen sell may different types of food. Hence, students never get bored eating those food that sell in the canteen.

In studies, our school show good result every year. The school is the top ten school in the country that get height score n SPM and PMR examination. I am very proud of it. This school attract people from distant to study here is because the facilities are complete and the discipline here are very strict. It is a ideal school in every state.

Any advice is highly appreciated.

Writing Feedback / I always dreamed of being a doctor [5]

I wanted to become a doctor when i grow up. My desire to became a doctor is when my grandfather, who was suffered from cancer died.My parents always brought me to visit him every weekend. I was young by that time, I was only 9 years old, I didn't even know what is cancer! So I asked a lot of questions as to why my grandfather need to stay at the hospital for such a long time. At that time, my mother answered me that he was suffered from some sort of sickness which could harm his health.

I was scared until my mum said that doctors will make sure that my grandfather pulls through his sickness. That's when my dreamed changed to doctor. When I was ten, I joined st. John, I learned all the basics of saving lives such as, transporting patients, putting on bandage, CPR and other theories. I was praised due to the performance I did and was chosen by teacher to be the leader of st.john to standard 4.

I felt happy when I was able to help others. When I grow up, I wish I could help others from suffering sickness and serve for the society in true manner.

Its kinda short, but I am running out of ideas!! Any ideas or help is appreciated, THX!!

Essays / Catch a bus/Chasing a bus (commentary) [4]

How can i start a commentary 'Chasing a bus'.'
How do I write the the middle part?
How do I fineshed it?

The FORMAT i wanted:
Good afternoon and welcome,
This is Joe your commentator,
Welcoming you to this...

Please help me!!!

Writing Feedback / A Touching Story; a dog that I found when I was 10 years old [6]

Question: Write a story that touched you(either animals or people)

I remember few years ago I have a dog that touched me so much. It was a dog that I found when I was 10 years old.

That very afternoon, I was playing football with my father. My father was a goalkeeper while I keep kicking balls to him. I accidently kicked the ball too hard that it flew out off the football field. When I was about to get back the ball, suddenly a stray dog run towards the ball and hit the ball with its head. The dog was rolling the ball towards me. I was frightened and wanted to ran away as I always afraid of dogs, especially stray dog. But this stray dog was different, it seems friendly and unharmful.

Then, the dog stop rolling the ball when he reached right in front of me. The dog looked at me and wriggled its tail. I started to have a feeling that it wanted me to throw the ball, so I did. I threw the ball and the dog started chasing the ball and rolled the ball back to me. I asked my dad that I wanted to keep the dog. At first, my dad didn't want to but after I persuaded him, he finally agreed. We bring back the dog to home and bathed the dog at the car porch. At night ,we bring the dog to the vet for a medical check-up. At the same time, we bought dog's food, shelter and chain. My father and I decided to named the dog 'ROCKY'.

The next morning, I went for a stroll with Rocky. Every Sunday, I would played with him bomberang together. We speed a lot of time together when i am around at home. One morning....

I don't know how do I continue this story, i wanted to write how the dog touched me, but i have no ideas.
I hope u guys can helo me with this, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!

Writing Feedback / Story about why the dog 'Jaw' was sold by the owner [4]

Question : Choose one of the advertisements and write a story that explains why it was placed in the newspaper.

I chose this : For sale: Dog, answers to the name of 'Jaw' Cheap as owner seeks urgent sale.

There was a guy named Stanley who was unmarried and graduated at high school. He live alone in a condominium. As he had no wife nor girlfriend, he felt lonely and depress at times. He decided to buy a dog to accompany him so that he won't felt lonely any more.

That very afternoon, Stanley went to a pet shop to find a suitable dog for him. He searched the entire pet shop in vain but still, he isn't satisfied about the dog he found there. He felt wretched as he walk out the shop. But something caught his eye, it was a cute little puppy with a silky fur and tiny body.Stanley find it adorable when he wag his tail. He was determined to buy the dog, so he did. At the same time, he bought the cage, chain, dog food, small ball and dog tag for the dog. On his way home, he decided to named the dog ' Jaw'. Jaw is pretty playful and always play with the ball that Stanley bought.

After some time, Stanley didn't feel as lonely as it is before. He spent a lot of his time with Jaw. Stanley love to be with Jaw together until when Stanley got married with Lonna and gave birth to a baby. At that time, Jaw grew a lot bigger that it was when Stanley bought him. At first, Jaw was quite friendly with the baby. But Jaw started to bark aggressively when he saw Stanley cuddle the baby- Bobo. Stanley had no choice but to put Jaw in the cage. Jaw wasn't quite comfortable staying in the cage, he keep barking and barking all night and causes Bobo to cry.

Lonna couldn't stand it and requested to Stanley that she wouldn't want this dog in the house. It was a hard decision for Stanley, but he agreed for the sake of their family. He went to the newspaper office to advertised Jaw and hoped to sell Jaw as soon as possible.

Please correct my grammer or my tenses. :)
One quick question: can I use 'he' to indicate my animal-Jaw??