Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania Supplement - "Why you are a good fit for your school choice" [9]

An excellent essay overall but I was thinking providing more structure to the essay through a proper introduction and then a conclusion which summarizes the entire essay. P.S- great vocabulary use

Undergraduate / The CyberPatriot team - FAILURE [2]

Overall its a good essay but just a couple of tweaks would make it even better (Refined Draft Only)
1. first line talks about cyberpatriot 'team' but the second line changes the subject to the competition itself. So you might wanna change the second sentence to something like 'the team was created for a national....'

2.


'However, it was easier said than done ' might be an alternative
3. The product of the disaster CAME as no surprise (make sure to maintain tense)
4. ' I began devoting most of my time to completing homework which meant that my team suffered'
5. 'Rag tag group of people' is not a proper thing to say in this circumstance so change that to 'interested'
6. lesson of what can happen if I do not manage my time properly

Undergraduate / Nepal Journey - DAVIDSON - EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY OR WORK EXPERIENCE [4]

Recently I accompanied a group of Australian medical students as a translator to conduct medical camps in the rural areas of Nepal. Each day of the 11 day trip was was an adventure with opportunities to learn.

The journey began with a long hike in the incredibly risky mountainous roads of Nepal. However, the breathtaking scene along the way washed all the fear and exhaustion away. The trip opened my eyes to a Nepal I thought existed only in textbooks. Translating for each of the patient that came to the camp not only helped me understand the health condition of Nepal, but also observe the poor socio-economic condition of the Nepalese people in these parts. It was tragic to see how ignorance on the littlest of things had affected the people so tragically. For instance, a simple act of not brushing the teeth had affected the dental health of the majority of people here. The amount of labor and hard work that people did here for such a low pay is incredible. I learnt so much during my conversations with the locals. The kids who were so young yet knew so much about life inspired me. (these few sentences are choppy and kinda irrelevant to the topic of medicine and health u r focusing. So u might wanna delete them and put a solid conclusion instead)

Undergraduate / Issue of Vogue / TV screen controller - Johns Hophkins Undergrad Essay [4]

Its a very different approach, i will applaud you for that. However, when I read the prompt and then your essay, it seems you focused mostly on your interests and how it relates to your future goals. The 'Given the opportunities at John Hopkins' part is kinda left out. I guess its too late of a suggestion but you might wanna put in specific things in John hopkins that might help you get to those goals in the future.

Undergraduate / interaction between teacher and student - Johns Hopkins Undergrad essay [3]

i would suggest you focus some more on your specific interest and relate them to what John Hopkins has to offer. Your focus right now is too much on what John Hopkins can give you. Otherwise it is a good essay

Undergraduate / Otherside by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis -Columbia essay cultural event you found meaningful [3]


might wanna add the word 'live' after that for clearer understanding