Posts by Katy Curie

Katy Curie

Oct 10, 2014

Writing Feedback / Technology; the stronger and closer people interaction (IELTS WT2 CAM 8) [3]

Topic:
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make? Has this been a positive or negative development? (Cambridge IELTS 8 Test 2)

My essay:
Technology has always been the most creative area of human being and it will continue to lead this world by creation. It seems that the global is becoming smaller than ever when people can interact with each other in numerous ways. Definitely this is how different types of relationships are affected, and it is sure that this development benefits pur society with positive ramifications.

The clearest evidence is seen in the stronger and closer interaction between governments and people. The Internet has provided states with tools to create online governmental websites, from which would-be policies are more touchable to their people and viewpoints on this are collected more effectively than a traditional campaign. The recent referendum in the UK over the Scotland independence is a wonderful example when many websites rushed to get as many comments from the British as possible. The result shows its efficiency as politicians could use it to analyze what to do next. Clearly, the bond between the policymakers and citizens are closer in relation to technology.

Another positive impact of technology on social relationships can be traced to business. It is certain that nowadays social media is playing a key role in marketing strategies of enterprises. Because people use social network more and more frequently, social media helps a business to increase interaction with its current consumers and to attract potential customers, hence boosting sales and profit. Recently, the viral advertising video of Pantene-Unilever has become a phenomenon on the Internet and the speed of sharing this video is faster and faster hour by hour. A lot more consumers has turned to use Pantene shampoo after watching this video. Therefore, such multi-national companies as Unilever will efficiently develop their scales by utilizing this online interaction channel.

In conclusion, today technology is becoming more and more essential in our lives. People enjoy this development positively, which helps to create a better connected world and to benefit all types of relationships in society. It is hoped that in the future, technology will be more advanced, improving our lives quality in its favorable ways.

Please mark my essay. Thank you a lot! xD

Katy Curie

Oct 10, 2014

Writing Feedback / Technology; the stronger and closer people interaction (IELTS WT2 CAM 8) [3]

Thank you very much, Moodykhedr. I will correct my mistakes and write this essay again. ^^
Ah, the "states" I used was about "governments", not the US. I won't use it anymore :)

Katy Curie

Oct 11, 2014

Writing Feedback / My new neighbor is a restaurant [4]

I have been working a university as a research asistantassistant , and completing my doctorate. Therefore I usually go home late, and have no time to prepare foodthere is no time to prepare food . There are several benefits for why I prefer being neighbor with a restaurant.

Firstly, ~~The first benefits~~ I always come back to my home late, ~~inasmuch as~~ because of not only my ~~assistant~~ work, but also my PhD courses ~~I worked as an assistant of enginnering departmant, but also because I have to attend the courses of doctorate.~~ After arriving at home , I don't have any energy to prepareperepare any some food. Hence, a restaurant, which is built in my neighborhood, can make my life more convenient.

Secondly, sometimes I have guests who visit me surprisingly . ~~The second benefits sometimes you can get some guests who will visit you surprisingly.~~ In this case, I can not treat them well because of my work load. ~~At this time, probably you don't have any things to serve them if you work really hard.~~ For instance, my mother-in-law once told me that she was at bus to visit us. I got really surprised , since I have nothings in my refrigerator. However, ~~But,~~ if there was a restaurant near the home , I would order to it whatever she liked.

The third benefits of being neighbor with a restaurant is getting some different meal which is hard to cook at home since I am not good at cooking. Fish, as an example/ for example, is the dish my husband and I really like to eat, but we can't cook it well, moreover we both work hard, hence there is no time to go a restaurant which is far to our home. That a restaurant is going to be built nearby ~~built a nearer restaurant~~ will give us a chance to eat whatever we like even though we can cook it.(I don't think this is necessary)

To conclude, a new restaurant, which may be built in my neighboorhood , will make my live easier, because it would provide ~~has provided~~(you use present perfect for what started in the past and still happens at the moment) me with good meals when I get tired from work, when I have a suprising guest, or when I want to eat dishes which I can not cook well. ~~and have a surprising guest, or I want to eat food which I cannot cook well.~~ This kinds of facilities as a restaurant makes the life of people ,whom have no time to prepare food to themselves and their guest, more convinient.

Katy Curie

Oct 11, 2014

Writing Feedback / Government should persuade workers to go to offices by buses, and build more highways in cities [2]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?

In the modern world today, we can not avoid the problems of growing traffic and pollution, especially in big developing cities. Some governments have increased the petrol price to deal with these matters. Indeed this is an effective policy which I am totally agree with and I will prove my viewpoint in the first part of my essay. The remaining part will state some other ways to solve these current hot problems.

Raising the petrol price is a suitable key for traffic jam and pollution. Firstly, high petrol price dissuades people from driving cars and motorbikes, and from using petrol-driven engines at work. This results in less vehicles participating the traffic, less fume exhausted and less heat spread, which means less congestion and pollution. Secondly, as people are diverted from using petrol, they will turn to other fuels such as electricity. For example, instead of driving a gasoline gobbling bike, a student can use an electric bicycle to go to university. By this way, she can save a lot of fuel expense and contribute to the more environment-friendly city. It is for these reasons that the idea of increasing petrol price is supported.

Besides, there are some other solutions for the problems in question. For one, the government can launch a campaign in which there is involvement of all the governmental employees, and persuade them to go to work by public transport, such as buses. This idea will not only help alleviate the problems but also impulse the same actions taken by citizens. In addition to this, it is also effective if the cities build more highways in the air to reduce the traffic load in the main crossroads. In fact, this solution has been carried out in many cities including Hanoi, Vietnam. Hanoi, as an example, are currently building a lot of aerial highways all over the city. In the intersections now at rush hours people hardly see any congestion, showing the effectiveness of the highway method.

In conclusion, governments should raise the petrol price as well as persuade workers to go to offices by buses, and build more highways in cities to reduce traffic jam and pollution, which are serious problems now in the world.

Thanks a lot for your comments!

Katy Curie

Oct 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Four countries comparison - Japan spending for food was highest with approximately 23% [3]

The graph illustrates how four different countries spend money for five things, included food, housing, transportation, health care and clothing in 2009.

Overall, shares of expenditures for housing was the highest in all~~the most of~~ these countries excepted Japan; however, they were over 20%. It can be seen obviously, total percentage of transportation and food were the second biggest and higher than 10%. By contrast with health care and clothing spending just under 10%.

In my opinion, you can write:
In all countries, the greatest expenditure is on housing with over 20%...
or
Overall, spending for housing constitutes the largest cost / is the biggest cost with over 20% in all countries, followed by food and transportation, which account for more than 10%, and health care as well as clothing with under 10%.

According to the chart, review top of percentage of each outlay(I don't think this is a popular saying) we can see that the United states had shares of expenditures for housing and health care was biggest with around 27% and 7%, respectively (Here you have grammar errors). Whereas Japan had spending of shares for food was highest with approximately 23%. Similary, Canada had outlay for transportation was biggest compared with United states, United Kingdom and Japan with 20%.

If I were you, I would write:
Among four countries in question, United States is the most concerned one about housing, with 27% budget spent on this, nearby United Kingdom (24%), Japan (22%) and Canada (21%). The same situation happens in health care as the US spends 7% budget on this, relatively Japan 4% and Canada and UK only about 2%. The opposite situation is seen on clothing, which only costs 4% the US spending, 6% of Canadian budget and between these figures with the remaining countries.

In contrast, the United states had proportion of food spending and clothing outlay were the lowest in four countries with just under 15% and 4%, respectively. While Japan spend money for transportation was lowest with 10%, the Canada had shares of expenditures of housing was lowest and the United Kingdom just spend about 1% for health care at least in four countries. => You got the same problem in this paragraph.

Referring to food, Japan and UK have the largest share of spending, with 23% and 20% respectively. Canada and US budgets on food, in contrast, both stay less than 15%. Besides, no countries surpass Canada in expenditure for transportation. This share in Canada is 20%, of which a half is represented in Japan and two thirds are seen in UK, and US about 17.5%.

Anw, I think your idea is basically ok, but you need to pay more attention to grammar and you need a conclusion. I'm also practising IELTS writing, therefore my above words are also needed correcting by the others in essayforum.

Cheers!

Katy Curie

Oct 13, 2014

Undergraduate / 'It was March 12th of 2006' - Coming to the US - CommonApp Essay [7]

Greetings denizens of EssayForum! I have come forth with the most humble request, that you may bestow your literary genius on this essay(Oh I love this saying^^ => you are genius) . Thank you in advance.

It was March 12th of 2006 (no need a comma here) when I first entered the U.S ("came to the US" sounds better, I think) . I was nine at the time. I only knew how to say "Hello" and "Goodbye" in English. (I was nine and only knew how to say...) My knowledge about the US was that it was a country with "Golden Hills," a perfect place to live, where the birds chirped, and money poured endlessly. (All the things I had about the US was just a country with...) In addition, I heard that kids over there had piles of video games, and so I had promised all my friends that ...

... and the announcements all blendeding together to created a sense of sereneness and curiosity.

The moment ~~that~~ I knew I was assimilated was the moment when ...

I think you have a writing talent. Cheers! ^^

Katy Curie

Oct 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The graph illustrates how goods were transported in the UK [2]

Hi everyone, please comment on my following description:

The graph illustrates how goods were transported in the UK by different modes from 1974 to 2002.

It is obvious that road transportation was the dominant mode over the period in question, with 70 million tonnes transported in 1974, rising to 73 million in 1978. Despite a slight decrease to 68 million over the next seven years, the quantity of goods transported by road had steadily grown to 82 million tonnes by 1992 before falling to under 80 million in 1995. During the next three years, this number increased dramatically to 97 million and continue to rise slightly, reaching 99 million in 2002.

Water and rail transportation were on par in the first four years of the period, staying at 40 million tonnes. From 1978 to 1984, water transportation was increasingly used, while rail transportation saw an opposite trend, reaching 58 and 30 million respectively in 1984. The quantity of goods transported by water mode stayed unchanged until 1992 before gradually decreased to about 50 million in 1998 and surged to 68 million in 2002. Alternatively, the number of tonnes transported by rail saw a fluctuation between 1984 and 1998, then steadily grew to 41 million in 2002.

Pipeline carried the smallest quantity of goods during the period in question. Its loading increased from 3 million in 1974 to 21 million tonnes in 1994, then plateaued till the end of the period.

In general, all the four modes of transportation in the UK carried a lot more tonnes of goods between 1974 and 2002. Road transportation, though, accounted for the largest proportion over time.

Thanks so much for your help!

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Katy Curie

Oct 14, 2014

Graduate / Economics attracts me with its widespread penetration into diverse sectors - statement for MSC [3]

hey,this is my personal statement for MSC economics in University of Edinburgh or UCL. Can anyone give some advice on structure, grammar ,wording or relevance ?Thanks SO MUCH!

there is another question: i want to go for phd after getting my master degree but i haven't decided which area to study in.Should i write my career goal instead of my plan on study of phd? (see the last paragraph.there are two versions,one for career goal,the other for phd study without specific area)

Personal Statement

At the beginning of my university life, I, following my parents' suggestions, chose to major in Mechanical Design Manufacturing and Automation but didn't know what my major was about. Those complicated design drawings and cold equipments and components could not arouse my interest not to mention passion. The first time when I audited a lecture about economics I was so appealed by it that I resolutely transferred to the specialty of Economics in the third semester. Economics attracts me with its widespread penetration into diverse sectors like national economic system, financial management and enterprise management. I enjoy the pleasure originated from explorations of the rapidly changing and complex economic issues through analytical tools and methods. So I am eager to locate my postgraduate study at a university with unparallel international reputation like UCL.

At the beginning of my university life, I, following my parents' suggestions, chose to major in Mechanical Design Manufacturing and Automation but didn't know what my major was about. Those complicated design drawings and cold equipment and components could not arouse my interest, let alone~~not to mention~~ passion. ~~The first time~~ When I audited a lecture about economics for the first time, I was so appealed by it that I resolutely transferred to the specialty of Economics in the third semester. Economics attracts me with its widespread penetration into diverse sectors like/such as national economic system, financial management and enterprise management. I enjoy the pleasure originated from explorations of the rapidly changing and complex economic issues through analytical tools and methods. So I am eager to locate my postgraduate study at a university with unparallel international reputation like UCL.

Undergraduate study endows me with a solid academic foundation and hands-on skills for future study and research. Microeconomics and Macroeconomics made me fully grasp the basic concepts of economics. Calculus, Probability & Mathematical Statistics, and Accounting fostered my logical thinking and mathematical ability. Finance related courses facilitated me to better understand basic categories, internal relations and movement rules of currency, credit, and financial market, ~~etc~~ . Aiming to integrate what I had learnt with practices, I conducted lots of researches. On the class of Evaluation of Investment Project and Regional Economic Planning, I did a research named "Zhejiang Industrial Structure Based on Shift-Share Analysis" independently. Having referred to mountains of literatures, I analyzed the national index numbers of 9 cities from 2006 to 2011 and obtained 15 indexes in total, for instance, national growth effect, industrial mix effect, and shift share effect, of these cities. By quantitative analysis of these indexes, I regulated the industrial structure of them and put forward my suggestions. Though it was a long process, it taught me the meaning / significance of persistence, perfection and accuracy.

In August 2014, I took an internship in China Everbright Bank Xihu branch where I comprehended service consciousness, bank products and business. By patiently communicating with customers and asking them about their demands, I led part of them to PB or ATM, and the rest of them to fill in the forms in advance. If time permitted, I would introduce some bank products, such as SMS and online bank, to them. As good mastery of products' information was crucial to win clients' trust, I cherished chances to get familiar with financial and bank products. This internship enabled me to further understand some courses I took previously as well as the application of some technical terms. Judging that the interest rate and exchange rate changed every day, I thought I might explore into the impact that macroeconomic policy had on bank's stabilization in future.

Apart from internship, I participated in various extracurricular activities,(no comma here) through which my leadership, interpersonal communication and responsibility were enhanced. In the freshman year, I became a debate member and later the vice director of debate club. As an organizer and participator, I guided the team to prepare motions and shouldered the pressure of debate competitions. Once we even sat on the ground to talk over the motion until 12 pm for having no available classrooms. I put much time and energy into the club and felt the efforts paid back when stood on the stage with eloquent arguments and won honors and prizes. For strengthening my adaptability and communication skills, I volunteered in Russia for accompanying and encouraging those kids with infantile autism.

#the first version#
In view of my yearning for professional foundation in and in-depth study of economics, MSc Economics at UCL is the exact program I would like to further study on. United Kingdom is an ideal country for me with impeccable comprehensive strength and high international recognition. With members directing and holding senior positions in research centers involved in policy design and evaluation at UCL, I could get access to wide-ranging research activities, which will benefit my future PhD study and career. Upon graduation, I hope I could analyze financial situation with integrated knowledge and analytical methods. In a short run, I would seek /decide to seek a job in commercial banks like China Merchants Bank (CMB) to commit myself to investment management. With 3-year working experience in the CMB, I could flexibly apply the bank operation system and strengthen my professional knowledge. When I have time, I will prepare for the certificate of CFA and hope I could be promoted to the department manager and endeavor to contribute to the regional economic development through effectiveness of financial sectors in five years.

#the second version#
In view of my yearning for professional foundation in and in-depth study of economics, SGPE at University of Edinburgh is the exact program I would like to further study on , United Kingdom is an ideal country for me with impeccable comprehensive strength and high international recognition. With members directing and holding senior positions in research centers involved in policy design and evaluation at University of Edinburgh, SGPE provides a high-quality and thorough training in economics, which is prepared for the study of Phd .Upon graduation, I hope I could continue my study for Phd in the area of regional economics development. Though the program is challenging ,I am confident in finishing my study successfully for master degree and become a valuable member of your department.

I really like your PS. Personally I think the first version is preferred to the second one.

Cheers!

Katy Curie

Oct 14, 2014

Graduate / I started to realize my appreciation for medicine - baccalaureate program admission essay [2]

... however I never gave much thought as to (I think "about" is better) how I could further pursue ...
After high school, I had not had~~did not have~~ a well-developed educational or professional roadmap yet, howe ver this did not stop me ...
During my studying, ~~is when I first started~~I came to realize my appreciation for medicine along with/ and my intrinsic motivation to continue ...

After my son ~~was old enough to~~ started school, I decided it was time to return to school myself.

Your PS is very good. I just have some little comments. Let's wait for the specialists!
Cheers!

Katy Curie

Oct 14, 2014

Graduate / IELTS: modern jobs and fast food are the main reasons for increasing average weight among people [2]

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

In the modern world today, it is no doubt that obesity is more and more popular while the levels of health and fitness of people are going down. The first part of the essay will analyze some main causes of these common problems and the second part will discuss some measurements to deal with them.

It is easy to trace the reasons for obesity in modern society nowadays. Firstly, modern technology are supporting the sedentary lifestyle of people. A lot more inventions are applied at offices and at homes, inducing people to live dependently on machines for the office duties and household activities. For example, home automation system now allows people to control every devices in their houses by using personal computer with the Internet. This helps people live more conveniently as they do not need to move for some basic activities such as turning on the lights; but it also discourages people from moving their bodies, which, in turn, contributes to their sluggish habits.

Secondly, the problem of obesity can be addressed to over caloric and under nutritional fast food. Nowadays fast food stores spring up like mushrooms because people are increasing demand for a fast meal in order to tackle their fast modern lives. This situation can be found most obviously in Malaysia, where many fast food franchises have had their bases here. This country is also handling the highest rate of obesity in the world. Therefore, modern technology and fast food are the main reasons for increasing average weight as well as declining health level in people today.

There are, however, some measures to solve these matters. For one, it is advised that people should do more exercises to lose weight and enhance their health. For example, joining an aerobics class every afternoon and taking public transports to offices instead of driving private cars are effective ways to get off a lot of unwanted calories and keep hearts strong. These benefits are against the harms caused by hours of siting in front of computers for work. In addition, people should avoid eating fast food and return to a balanced diet with more nutrition, which are much better for their bodies. Take, high fibrous vegetables and rich-protein meat, for instance. They are both necessary for a balanced healthy life and definitely support a stronger body.

In conclusion, modern life with modern technology and fast food has attributed to sedentary lifestyles as well as unbalanced diet, which cause obesity and decreasing health and fitness levels of people nowadays. Some measures for this could be practicing more exercises and adopting a balanced healthy diet. It is hoped that by taking these measure, people can avoid obesity and get a healthier life.

Katy Curie

Oct 25, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people are now more conscious to gain more educational qualification [3]

Does this end with "Do you agree or disagree?"?

=> I think you lack a thesis here. Thesis is needed to show your clear opinion

I believe that you want to show your first support paragraph with the topic sentence relating to "recession", but you didn't state it from the beginning, which I think will cause an uncomfortable feeling to examiners

(you should use a relative clause here instead of 2 separate sentences) . The best way to ensure a flexible earning(It's an awkward word to me) is getting more jobs. Last but not least, corporational policy to to pay less to inferiors is another reason that drives labours to work on different sectors.[/quote]

In general you have a very good writing, but the order of your sentences in paragraphs should be "topic sentence, example, discussion, conclusion". Examiners will find it easier to mark your essay.

Cheers!

Katy Curie

Oct 25, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT1 Test 1 CAM 7 - National consumer expenditure 2002 [NEW]

Please mark my description below. I really need your help because of the next week IELTS exam. Thank you very much!

The table shows the proportions of consumer expenditure in some European countries on some main items in 2002.

In general, all the countries' consumers spent more money on food, drinks and tobacco than on the other categories. Leisure and education, in contrast, accounted for the least percentage in total expenditure.

People in Turkey seemed to consume food, drinks and tobacco more than consumers in other countries, with 32.14% of expenditure spent on these items. Following Turkey come Ireland with 28.91% and Spain with 18.80%. Swedish consumers, meanwhile, only had a half of Turkish expenditure share for food, drinks and tobacco.

It is different as we look at clothing and footwear category. The largest share in expenditure of those items was addressed to Italy with 9% in comparison with the other countries. Also on the same category but Irish, Spanish and Turkish consumers spent less percentage of expenditure, with 6.43%, 6.51% and 6.63% respectively.

As for leisure and education category, Turkish people again showed their significant concern by spending 4.35% of total expenditure on these items, while the other countries all got smaller figures, with Italian and Swedish people at 3.20% and 3.22%, and Spanish people only at 1.98%.

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