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Posts by jjj90
Name: Joe Chi
Joined: Oct 16, 2014
Last Post: Dec 29, 2014
Threads: 4
Posts: 14  
From: United States of America
School: Hilton High School

Displayed posts: 18
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jjj90   
Oct 17, 2014
Undergraduate / My stay at a boarding school in Eastern Nigeria (a symbol of my coming of age) [8]

"Bing! Bong! Ding! Dong!" the morning bell rang. As I got up from the top bunk of my bunk bed at 4:30 am, got my bucket to go get water from the village stream, and ran to the school's outside shower with the intent of not being late for morning mass, a singular thought came to my mind: I was on my own. No more mommy to wake me up for school, no more daddy to make me my ham and cheese lunch sandwich, and no more older sister to remind me to finish my homework. At the time, I was too young to fully understand what the ring of the bell represented; however, hindsight has revealed to me that the first stroke of that bell illustrated my coming of age.

It's very peculiar for one to cite an event that occurred ten years into his life as the significant event that marked his transition from an innocent mindset to a more mature mindset. I hold the particular belief that a coming of age experience varies in time and nature for all individuals. My transition from childhood to adulthood at an extremely young age deviates from the norm, making it central to my identity.

The event above depicts the exceptional year I spent in a boarding school in Eastern Nigeria. In a matter of months, I left the setting of my second grade class where I was learning two column additions and completing multiplication tables in less than three minutes to a setting that required me to juggle 14 distinct subjects ranging from English to a language that was completely new to me, Igbo. For the first time, I had to wash my own clothes without the help of my parents and without the luxury of an efficient washer and dryer to get the job done.

Writing this essay has allowed me to recollect my thoughts and reminisce on how this particular experience has played a major role in my personal evolution. Firstly, living in a boarding school has allowed me to embrace a valiant attitude towards anything that requires traveling away from home or adapting to new situations and environments. Additionally, my stay in Eastern Nigeria has given me a sense of diligence in numerous aspects of everyday life. The boarding school illustrated a fast-paced method of teaching; having to take 14 different examinations at the end of each trimester is a testimony to the discipline and diligence I had to develop in order to cope with the school's rigorous education. The school's rigorous educational environment has instilled in me a sense of persistence that allows me to subsist in very demanding academic settings.

Furthermore, my ability to adapt to the innovative essence of the boarding school also shaped my cultural transformation in the eyes of my extended family. In Eastern Nigeria, living in a boarding school demonstrates the idea of self-reliance. Plus, the experience has really diversified my way of thinking in the American school system as my international experience has given me a distinct perception about prominent issues in our society such as the growing fear of overpopulation, the desire to create a sustainable environment, and the aspiration for universal health care. Moreover, the respect I gained from the Eastern Nigerian culture is fundamental to my coming of age, and is best demonstrated by my gained competence in the Igbo Language.

This prompt really altered my perception on the concept of coming of age. Before now, I had this idea that a coming of age experience was only associated with adults. My unconventional experience at the Nigerian boarding school really serves as the shift between my childlike mindset and my more mature mindset. I might have failed to show my appreciation for this adverse experience at the time, but I have come to realize that I own my complete character to this remarkable event.
jjj90   
Oct 18, 2014
Undergraduate / I wish to continue to expose myself to different cultures in Duke - application essays [5]

Really nice essays. Couple of pointers.
I've the needed initiative, and already founded my first company a year ago -: an importing business which I closed due to change in regulation.

The dash is a handy device, informal and essentially playful, telling you that you're about to take off on a different tack but still in some way connected with the present course.

I believe a colon would be more effective.


However , I'm applying to Duke because I feel I miss the academic education that will broaden my horizons and augment my skills regarding entrepreneurial practices.

The word 'miss' slightly confuses me. When placed there, it sounds like you are a transfer student who has had some college experience. Plus, the phrase "I feel I miss," is slightly wordy when you can get straight to the point without the part "I feel." Using however also throws off the flow of the essay. The sentence doesn't reveal anything contradictory to a previous statement. The phrase "academic education" sorta mean the same thing; the word academic is unnecessary.

Personally, I would write: I'm applying to Duke because I aspire to experience an education that will broaden my horizons and teach me how to carry out enterprises better.


I believe Duke's Certificate in Innovation and Entrepreneurship will take my business understanding to the next level and help me develop as a professional .

Some sort of parallel structure would be nice in the highlighted portion.
Would should replace "will." Would is a conditional tense: used to talk about a possible situation that has not happened or that you are imagining

I believe Duke's Certificate in Innovation and Entrepreneurship would not only elevate my business understanding, but would also develop my professional mindset.


In addition, I'm attracted to Yale's interdisciplinary academic approach. Is this about Yale or Duke?
I'm passionate about taking Computer Science classes in addition majoring in Economicswhile pursuing an Economics Major.

FurthermoreUltimately , I think that I can contribute to its cultural diversity and be an integral part of it.
Since you are ending the essay, it isn't wise to use the transition word furthermore. The word ultimately is a suggestion, you could think of a better synonym.

I will look at the other one latter. Please, take a look at mine and share your thoughts. It's in the undergraduate subsection and titled "My stay at a boarding school in Eastern Nigeria (a symbol of my coming of age)."
jjj90   
Oct 18, 2014
Undergraduate / Ever since I got my first phone, my interest in computer science has increased tenfold. - GMU essay [4]

I answered the same prompt for George Mason Honors! Although you scratch the surface, your essay lacks substance. I think it's very vague. You say, "I want to research," but you never really reveal how you would like to do the research; there are a lot of options such as study abroad opportunities, lab work, clinical studies etc. Plus, I'm left a little confused at what "question" or "unsolved problems" you are addressing. I suggest establishing this in the opening paragraph. I remember the prompt's word limit being 750 words and your essay is less than 300. I think you should move deeper into what you've written above.
jjj90   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Admittedly, I was nervous: What would they think of me? [3]

Admittedly, I was nervous: What would they think of me? Would they think I was pompous and contemptuous? What questions would they ask me: How is it there? Is life there fun? And there you have it, the apprehensive mind of a ten year old. Ok, maybe not precisely, since my thoughts didn't contain words such as pompous and contemptuous. However, the build up towards the moment, that I would eventually realize was my coming age, couldn't have been any more frightening or explained any more vividly.

My head was filled with numerous thoughts as I walked through the green gates of the Eastern Nigerian boarding school. Totally secluded, I couldn't help but think the area bore a strong resemblance to the prisons I had seen on television. Plus, to make matters worse, I was in a place with unfamiliar faces speaking in an unusual language. As I walked up the stairs of my dormitory, a singular thought began to sink in: I was on my own. Mommy wasn't going to be there to wake me up for school, and daddy wasn't going to be present to tuck me to bed. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but knowing that I wasn't going to see my siblings made it hard to keep that promise.

The first few weeks were extremely difficult to get through. I felt isolated, like I didn't belong in that particular environment. The abrupt transition from my earlier years in the suburbs of Virginia was probably the essential reason for my feelings of alienation. It felt strange leaving the setting of my second grade classroom, where I was learning two column additions, to a setting that required me to juggle 14 distinct subjects ranging from English to a language that was completely new to me, Igbo. My unhappiness continued to grow within the succeeding weeks. I knew it would be an adverse experience, but I was oblivious to the extent.

Surprisingly, in a matter of months, the anxious feelings that accompanied me during the initial weeks began to fade away. This was mainly because everyone was extremely eager to learn a lot from me; numerous students admired my international experience, and valued my distinct opinions in classroom discussions and activities. Moreover, I felt proud to be learning my parents' culture as they always expressed their desire to see me become familiar with the way of life of the Eastern Nigerians. Additionally, I felt extremely happy that I was adapting to the innovative essence of the boarding school.

Unquestionably, my stay at the boarding school has given me a greater sense of self-awareness. The formation of new friendships with my roommates and the fact that I wasn't judged for being a kid born from America showed me that establishing a sense of self is crucial in numerous endeavor. My more mature self has embraced the simple fact that being an individual is more important than conforming to particular societal norms. Moreover, my ability to adapt to the peculiar nature of the boarding is very significant in the Eastern Nigerian culture. In East Nigeria, living in a boarding school signifies the idea of self-reliance; this concept of self-reliance has become an ineffable part of my character, enabling me to subsist in distinct academic and social settings. The indiscernible respect I gained from the Eastern Nigerian culture was central to my experience, and is best demonstrated by my gained competence in the Igbo Language.

Conclusively, my enrollment in the boarding school has played a major role in my personal and cultural evolution. The qualities of independence and self-perception that I gained from this experience have become an inextricable part of my current life. Although I have lived in Virginia for 16 years of my life, it was my singular year in Eastern Nigeria that not only aided my personal growth, but has become an inseparable part of my identity.
jjj90   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I will not sacrifice - Why BU is a good fit for me. [5]

I would advice you to separate the portion below:
I want to study the Korean language as I obtain a Bachelor's degree in computer engineering - a feat that is nearly impossible at other colleges I'm applying to- and when I saw that I could major in engineering and minor Korean, I immediately started the application.

Using the dashes mean that the sentence would also flow without the information in between then. Right know,the whole statement contains very awkward wording.

Maybe this would work
I want to study the Korean L anguage as I obtain a Bachelor's degree in C omputer E ngineering: a feat that is nearly impossible at other colleges I'm applying to.

Or just delete the information between the dashes all together.
jjj90   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / "Stop ladies pray!" - The importance of music throughout my life Yale Admissions essay [3]

Some of my earliest memories are of my family gathering in my grandfather's living room with guitars, mandolins, banjos, and fiddles. By the end of the night the entire house would be filled with songs and laughter as the kids made up lyrics to whatever the 'band' decided to play and the aunts and uncles laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. Music has always been an important part of my life from my early childhood memories of family gatherings to learning to play the violin.

Think of finding a transition between the second and third sentence of this paragraph; because you abruptly go from talking about memories of family gatherings to music. There is no build-up to the main message of this essay which I believe is the third sentence.
jjj90   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / I'm a green butterfly - it symbolizes a sense of gentleness, serenity, and warmth; William and Mary [5]

Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extra curricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? We know nobody fits neatly into 500 words or less, but you can provide us with some suggestion of the type of person you are. Anything goes! Inspire us, impress us, or just make us laugh.

For some reason, I feel like I was a mistake...like, I shouldn't be a human: I feel like I should be a butterfly, a green one to be exact. It's not because green is my absolute favorite color. It's definitely not because I like butterflies because ironically, I'm not too fond of them. However, there is something about its ability to adapt to the innovative nature of life and its ability to embrace all stages of life, from its origins as a caterpillar, with completely faith and courage that completely relates to my personality and perspective of life.

Before a butterfly develops, it originates as caterpillar; and this development highlights the enigma that I am. The caterpillar signifies new life and change. The caterpillar stage symbolizes my faith that my ever-evolving character will continue to expand in numerous ways. The caterpillar demonstrates my younger self encouraging me to transform into my unique self: a butterfly

A butterfly, to me, symbolizes a sense of gentleness, serenity, and warmth. It represents a sense of resilience, illustrating a remarkable ability to view failure as a learning experience. A butterfly demonstrates an indiscernible journey to freedom, a journey towards a new way of being and a freedom from restricting life situations. As for the color green, well there is no other color that best compliments the unconventional essence of a butterfly. Green signifies a desire for growth and change that relates to the ineffable transformation from a fragile caterpillar to an independent butterfly. It also highlights the unusual nature of a butterfly, illustrating a freedom to purse new ideas and endeavors. The color green also underlines an inextricable sense of calmness and generosity, encompassing a love of both family and friends.

Undoubtedly, the traits of a butterfly describe me, an unorthodox being. I like to think of myself as a transcendentalist. I think of myself as a person who values choices and self-reliance; there is nothing more important to me than making my own decisions, choosing my way of life, and establishing my own path to self-discovery. I believe that I have the ability to reshape myself; to not let my past defined my present and future. My siblings have noted my commendable resilience: my ability to bounce back from anything and everything. I have learnt to accept the changes in my life with both courage, tenacity, and a strong sense of faith. I also exhibit the extreme stability of a butterfly, demonstrating great persistence and diligence, even in the most adverse situations. Nevertheless, I entail the friendliness often associated with butterflies as interactions and relationships form the bases of my daily activities.

I certainly believe that I embody the creative character of a green butterfly. I strongly value the concept of individualism, utilizing every opportunity to be ambitious, original and vibrant. Like a butterfly, I am an unconventional individual who deviates from societal norms. I believe that being an unconventional individual is accepting my personal responsibilities and emerging as diligently as a butterfly.
jjj90   
Nov 1, 2014
Undergraduate / Although I spent most of my years in the US, my parents never let me lose my Ethiopian identity [5]

Over the past years, Ethiopia has gone through drastic economic problems that have left the country in poverty. Being a third world country, Ethiopia's rich history and contributions are lost and have (really try to stick to one tense) become irrelevant compared to...

To the media and western world, it's the face of starvation and hunger. Knowing this, my parents, including many other, left the country in hopes of rising"establishing" maybe? a new generation well educated ...

These are just a couple of corrections. You're really missing a lot of commas in necessary places and there is a lot of very awkward word choices. Try rereading it and see how it sounds in your head.
jjj90   
Nov 1, 2014
Undergraduate / 'life has thrown me curve balls in every which way' - My Dysfunctional Family Life [4]

I don't think the word limit is the problem because I don't think the common app supplement is meant for a full blown essay; it's meant for more concise and brief information. You don't have to mention every bad situation in your life, maybe the one that has affected you significantly; a topic like this could have made a great common app essay. And I might be wrong about this, but it's often recommended that the common app supplement is used to explain stuff such as bad grades etc.
jjj90   
Nov 1, 2014
Undergraduate / I am not asking for a mansion on the beach or a Lamborghini - my future life [3]

I think your paper lacks organization and I don't believe you thoroughly answered the prompt. You make really abrupt transitions from your definition of 'the good life' to portions about how the University of Miami will help you. Plus, the third paragraph seems irrelevant to the question at hand. You conclusion is nice, but I feel like the rest of the essay doesn't clearly support the conclusion.

Maybe outline the paper like this:
Your definition of 'the good life'
Maybe talk about how your childhood has influenced your desire to start a family etc.
How the University of Miami will enable you to fulfill your definition of 'the good life'
Conclusion
jjj90   
Dec 29, 2014
Scholarship / Free speech is the ultimate precondition for colleges to establish academic excellence. SCHOLARSHIP! [2]

Prompt: Why is free speech important at our nation's colleges and universities? Using examples from both videos, discuss how censorship of student speech is incompatible with higher education.

Many of America's higher education institutions, universities and colleges explicitly, have stressed the importance of self-reliance and individualism. Through writing supplements, personal statements, interviews, and other significant components of the college application process, colleges have illustrated an increasing desire for both vibrant and unique students: individuals who deviate from societal norms. Demonstrating the belief that a student's personal way of life adds to the diversity of their institutions, many colleges have expressed admiration for the innovative and unconventional essence of prospective college students. So it's quite peculiar that these same institutions deem it necessary to encumber the freedom of speech in higher education environments. The hindrance of free speech by the nation's colleges and universities limits the students' freedom of expression and impedes their ability to gain independent thinking and leadership skills required for numerous endeavors.

Students' freedom of speech is virtually under attack at many of the nation's higher education institution. Many institutions have adapted policies which significantly restrict a student's ability to freely express independent beliefs. A Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (F.I.R.E) video titled, "Don't Cage My Speech," addressed a situation in which the members of a Young Americans for Liberty chapter at The University of Cincinnati were prohibited from recruiting new individuals by a campus bureaucrat. The founder of the chapter compared the situation to the story of David and Goliath, claiming that he stood no chance against the restrictive essence of the college's free speech policies. In fact, the students were limited to a free speech zone policy, and were told that they would be kicked off campus if they didn't completely obey the policy. A senior adviser described the free speech zone as a small triangle on campus with irregular foot traffic. Unquestionably, virtually everything about this policy is misguided and unconstitutional as it completely invalidates the 1st constitutional amendment. Although the policy may seem entirely absurd, it is actually extremely common among the nation's top colleges. Research conducted by F.I.R.E. illustrates that one in six of the nation 400 top colleges and universities possess "free speech zones." Numerous campus bureaucrats have defended the policy, demonstrating a belief that free speech is a privilege, not a fundamental human right. When the policy is challenged, many of these colleges yield or go to court. In 2012, for instance, a federal judge deemed the University of Cincinnati's free speech zone policy unconstitutional, stating that it violated the 1st amendment. The case resulted in the elimination of the free speech zones at numerous schools; however, policies limiting free speech still remain in force at many colleges and universities.

Nevertheless, programs and non-profit organizations are fighting to implement the highest degree of free speech in higher education institutions. In a video published by F.I.R.E titled, "Silencing U: Five Outrageous Cases of Campus Censorship," a college janitor, Keith John Samson, tells his story in which he was accused of racial harassment for reading a historical piece, "Notre Dame vs. The Klan." An event which occurred at the Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, the video highlights how the campus judged Samson, a white male, for reading a book on the Klan. Samson sought the help of F.I.R.E stating, "F.I.R.E was my megaphone." The combined efforts of ALCU, FIRE, and Wall Street Journal resulted in the university backing down. Evidently, this case violates the student's fundamental right: the freedom of reading (literature). Many universities have felt it necessary to forbid certain books and literature on campus to decrease hateful or offensive commentary. Although officials believe that encumbering free speech ensures a safe learning environment, it negatively affects campus life as it eliminates different forms of individualism. Additionally, another situation of campus censorship occurred at the University of Delaware. The university adapted a program titled "The Orientation Interrogation," with a singular goal: modern day public shaming. A university alumni Jan Blits described the program as an extensive, mandatory brainwashing program aimed to stamp a mental footprint on the consciousness of the students. The program consisted of asking the students invasive questions that related to their sexuality and dating preferences. The program only allowed two answers, yes or no; the students also couldn't explain their answer. Although the program forbid the expression of racist, homophobic, and sexist demeaning speech, one of the university's student claimed it made the situation worse; the program violated the students' right to privacy. With the help of FIRE, the program was ultimately removed, promoting a more open-minded environment at the university.

Essentially, these cases illustrate a lack of respect for the fundamental right of students at higher education institutions; and quite truthfully, free speech is necessary at any institution of higher learning. Free speech on college campuses not only aid in transmitting existing knowledge, it helps students interpret, explore, and expand on that knowledge by challenging the old and proposing the new. Free speech sets the guidelines for learning outside the classroom as encourages vigorous, yet friendly debates on social, economic, and political issues that exist in modern society. Campuses should be free and open, and no viewpoint should be forbidden or discourage; this allows for a more diverse campus setting, and permits different perspectives reflective of a larger community. Hostility and intolerance of viewpoints which deviate from the majority, especially if encouraged by the college itself, weakens the confidence of new members to speak out and creates a close-minded environment. Students shouldn't be banned from demonstrating their opinions as it creates an atmosphere where all perspectives are accepted. Free speech promotes an inextricable sense of self-reliance needed for successful careers.

Conclusively, the censorship of free speech is extremely damaging to the learning experience at higher education institutions. Institutions should adapt policies which penalize conduct and behavior (for example, discrimination, harassment etc.), as opposed to policies which eliminate free expression. The university should make it their duty to demonstrate ineffable tolerance and shows students that civility and tolerance are distinct qualities of educated young individuals. Free speech is the ultimate precondition for colleges to establish academic excellence.

Please comment in grammar and content, most especially. Thank you!!!
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