Posts by rjennifer713

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Graduate / I have always been so close-minded - University of San Francisco Essay - Jesuit Mission [7]

prompt: Please compose a one or two page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission:

To promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition so that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals and architects of a more humane and just world.

I have always been so close-minded. I never made an effort to learn about anything new other than what was required to learn in school. I never asked questions in class simply because I did not want to explore any further than I had to. I always sat in class, and let the open-minded people ask all the questions that I would never in a million years be able think of.This was a mistake. I became more open-minded about things my senior year, and it was not until now that I realized how much I have missed out on. I do not want any other students to go through this. I wish to be apart of the University's mission because I do not want any more students to commit the same mistake that I have all those years.

[...]

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Undergraduate / There is nothing that I want more than to follow my dreams of being a retail buyer - FIDM Essay [4]

"I will explore the topics of what my hobbies, and special interests are, my reasoning behind choosing FIDM, what appeals to me about the major I have chosen ,and what my goals are upon graduation from The Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising."

Right here, never explain what you are going to say. That should be self explanatory through your thesis or topic sentence of each body paragraph.

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Undergraduate / Besides ... Then why? Georgia Tech Supplemental [5]

At Georgia Tech, I know I'll obtain a wonderful education supplemented with excellent research and work experience, but that is not what solely attracts me there

Adjectives like wonderful, excellent, and solely are not all needed. You can delete two of them.

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Undergraduate / Where I come from does not define who I am. I come from a loving home in Richmond, California [2]

Freshman applicant prompt

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Where I come from does not define who I am. I come from a loving home in Richmond, California, a town with diversity but a bad reputation. A person who happened to stroll down the neighborhood would call it "ghetto" since there are many gangs, and shootings out here. It is also located right next to Oakland, California, which happens to be the third most dangerous city in the United States.

My parents came here when they were 18 years old with nothing but the clothes on their back. They managed to rent out a small garage and that was where I spent the first two years of my life. Everyday I watched as my parents came home exhausted from working so many hours for so little pay, but they always managed to buy me whatever I needed. For the last fifteen years my parents struggled with paying off our house, bills, and even an immigration lawyer and all I could do was watch. In one instance when I was only 7, my parents had to take me to a courthouse on a school day because no one could take me to school or pick me up. I wish I would have went to school because that day I witnessed the brave man known as my father turn into a terrified stranger.

The neighborhood and elementary school I attended did not help. My aunts and uncles would warn my parents that I would become a rebellious child if I attended that school, but my parents laughed at them and said, "The school isn't bad,its the students." That quote has stuck with me for as long as I could remember. The elementary, middle school, and high school I attended did not affect me even if they had bad reputations. I always came out on top of the class, just to make my parents proud and that all their hard work put on me and my studies was not put to waste.

I promised myself that if I could go to college, get a well-paying job and provide for my parents so that they would never lift a finger, I would. To this day I watch my mother come home with the same melancholy expression because she could not spend the day with her children, "All I do is come home and watch them sleep, and leave the next morning before they even wake up."My mother always told me to work hard in school so I wouldn't have to work hard on my feet for the rest of my life, so that is exactly what I did. My goals and dreams were always based off of watching how much my parents had to work just to put food on the table.

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Undergraduate / A Heartbreaking Summer - Stage 3 Colon Cancer - UW Madison Essay [3]

"I am proud to say that my mother has been cancer free for 9 months, and that I was able to be a part of her recovery."

Your sensory details are extremely good, maybe you should add the story on how you found out your mother was cancer free using adjectives?

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Undergraduate / I take pride in everything the soccer game has been able to give me - UC Essay [5]

Your passion for soccer is not going to make you stand out to the people who view these essays. Millions of people enjoy soccer. You can share an experience such as winning a certain game that has shaped you into the person you are. Something about soccer that makes you stand out as an individual.

rjennifer713

Nov 9, 2014

Graduate / 'I was always beaten' - my awards - Personal Statement for all applicants Essay [2]

prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

As an overachieving child out of four siblings, it was was common to desperately try to make my parents proud. However after a while of coming home with awards, it became expected for my parents to come home with awards, and were no longer impressed with how I was doing. I have received many awards starting from the first grade all the way to my senior year, from being "The Most Helpful Student" in the first grade to "Honor Roll" all four years in high school. The accomplishment I am most proud of, however, is being considered the most "All-Around Outstanding Student 11th Grade" by my Law Academy Junior Teacher Team.

Usually I would say I am proud of this award because it made my parents proud, but that was not the case. This time I had made my teachers proud. This group of teachers has affected me in many ways I can not explain. This does not exclude any other teachers in the Law Academy, they have all inspired me to try my best, and that is why this award is so important to me. Out of sixty possible students in my junior year, I was chosen.

I was invited to the award ceremony for seniors by a group of seniors, I could not make it however for trying to finish a project in my English class. The next day I was sitting with our mock trial team for our final in our law and justice class, when my former law teacher asked me if I wanted to work the camera. Scared I would ruin it somehow, I said I am not good with technology. My former teacher smirked and said, "that's funny because I remember signing a paper saying you were good at everything." I was perplexed as to what he meant when my new law teacher came up to me with the award that made me proud of myself.

All three years that I have been apart of the Law Academy I always felt the need to try my best because I wanted to come out on top of the class. I was always beaten, though. I also wanted to get compliments from my teachers because I no longer got them from my parents, This award is by far the best compliment I have ever received. That is my greatest accomplishment.

rjennifer713

Nov 10, 2014

Graduate / I have always been so close-minded - University of San Francisco Essay - Jesuit Mission [7]

I think I might not make sense because I am not entirely sure what the prompt is asking for, do you think you can clarify it a bit?

rjennifer713

Nov 10, 2014

Graduate / I have always been so close-minded - University of San Francisco Essay - Jesuit Mission [7]

Hey I edited it! Let me know what you think :-)

I have always been so close-minded. I never made an effort to learn about anything new other than what was required to learn in school. I never asked questions in class simply because I did not want to explore any further than I had to. I always sat in class, and let the open-minded people ask all the questions that I would never in a million years be able think of. This was a mistake. I became more open-minded about things my senior year, and it was not until now that I realized how much I have missed out on.

What had inspired me to become open-minded started with the trip I made to the University and San Francisco to explore the campus. Our campus tour guide had mentioned that if you were to attend the school you got the opportunity to learn about other beliefs, customs, and religions. This opened my eyes to how much I have been missing out on. I do not want any other students to go through this, and realize it was a mistake too late. I wish to be apart of the University's mission because I do not want any more students to commit the same mistake that I have all those years. Having attended public school all of my life, I have been exposed to various religions, so I feel that I will be able to take all of those diverse religions that I have learned about throughout my years at the University and be able to have it applied even more to the Jesuit tradition. I hope that by doing this I will be able to get a positive outcome of the traditions of the Jesuits for our generation

The education I receive as a Jesuit will help increase my morals, leadership skills, and to become more humane as a whole. I will finally be able to learn about the religions and customs that I have seen throughout my years at a public school. Whenever I come across someone of a different religion and cultural background, I will be able to connect to them and make sure I do not say something that is stereotypical and could offend them. This is an important value to have as a person because having the knowledge and awareness of other cultures creates an open-minded person.

Becoming apart of this mission and becoming a nurse, I wish to help affect people's lives in a positive way. I want to be able to go up to a worried mother and tell her her child will be getting better. I want to help a doctor save a life in the surgery room. Growing up I had a traumatizing experience with my younger sister, and it is the main reason why I want to become a nurse and help people out. I was in bed when all of a sudden I heard my mother screaming my younger sister's name. I got out of bed and ran to the living room to see my younger sister unconscious. I panicked. My aunt called the ambulance and by the time they came my little sister had regained consciousness, she had been eating scrambled eggs and was running around, when she slipped and began choking. I had no idea what to do, and next time I want to be able to know what to do. If this happened to any person in my presence I want to be able to make sure that person is okay. I want to be able pay it forward to society everyday and every chance that I could possibly get.

rjennifer713

Nov 11, 2014

Graduate / I have always been so close-minded - University of San Francisco Essay - Jesuit Mission [7]

I am really sorry, I forgot I will fix it!