Undergraduate / Dear diary, after consulting Professor O'Brian, I emailed CURF the detailed plan of my new project. [3]

Thanks for the advice. One thing I am worried about my essay is that it is not specific enough in terms of my interests and their relations to specific programs. Does this hurt my essay a lot?

Undergraduate / It was a rainy day and I was coming back home after an exhausting day - writing supplement [7]

In terms of the why essay, I found it quite generic, ie. XXX school is awesome because it has beautiful campus, offers good classes, chances to meeting interesting people...blah,blah. This is pretty weak because you are talking about Columbia, in a way tens of thousands of applicants are talking about it--bragging about the school and not showing why you should be offered the chance-- not to mention the admission officers know much better about their school than do you. My suggestion is to relate it to your personal experience, interests etc. and focus on the overlap of you and Columbia, for example, a unique class or professor that you want to know better of, a story, perhaps sentimental, with Columbia in a personal angle.I know the second essay might do the job, but if you only write about the website info, what is the use of the first essay?

To truncate the words, here are some suggestions:
Unlike ordinary people, engineers see the world from another perspective. ==> Engineers see the world differently. ("Ordinary people" is mentioned beforehand, therefore redundancy)

That's what I like the most about engineering. ==> That's why engineering enchants me. (Not sure a good editing here, though)
Here're some problems: this essay can work for literally every school by changing the name. Write something unique to Columbia so that the AO won't think you take Columbia as simply a rebound or backup plan.

Undergraduate / You are not here fundamentally for the purpose of completing degree requirements - Why Penn College? [17]

My suggestion is to change the phrasing a little bit. Many sentences in your essay start with "I can/will/should blah...blah...". Though it is not a sin to start with "I", but how about showing instead of telling? Picturing the future instead of making too many promises?

Like I will definitely be taking "Tutoring In Urban Public Elementary Schools: A Child Development Perspectives" ABCS course to satiate my curiosity about early childhood development and complement my service experience. I will phrase it like Days from now, if I am lucky enough to attend Penn and take "Blah~~~", I will be appreciating my choice to sail into the realm of early childhood development, for I would have possibly turned my good intentions into atrocious blunders weren't it for the admonition in that class.

Since we are both applying to Penn, we can surely help each other!

Undergraduate / It was a rainy day and I was coming back home after an exhausting day - writing supplement [7]

I noticed it. But I think you can expand a little bit on "valuable research opportunities" and phrase the other parts more concisely.

Undergraduate / We were given forty minutes before 12 noon to explore the town in groups. Central to identity prompt [5]

How about switching the prompt to the failure one?

Undergraduate / Jade Bracelet - "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" [7]


Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Many thanks!

Undergraduate / The "helpee-oriented" conception - activity essay for Vandy [6]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150-400 words)

Undergraduate / "How I spent $1000 making a fire starter" Common APP essay [7]

I personally think you can expand on the afterthoughts a little bit. Find something most people could possible ignore or not realize.

Undergraduate / Gender Inequality: A complex problem/ Princeton Supplement [6]

Your sense of feminism is quite praiseworthy and I like your idea of connecting your thoughts to things you have done, but this essay possibly falls into a generic pool of feminism writings. I have read many essays talking about women rights, and they all discuss the topic from pretty similar angles. While this is not wrong, chances are you essay may not stand out in the pool of PRINCETON we are talking about here. If you have read Leaning In, you may have more specific and insightful perspectives regarding this topic. If I were writing the essay, I would talk about how many women were verbally harrassed but didn't take it, although angry at it, seriously, or didn't realize grouping up can do more than simply avoiding being hurt. BTW, your writing style is excellent!

Undergraduate / "Ctrl + A" and "Delete". A walk after writer's block~~ CommonAPP essay [3]

Thanks for the advice, here's the edited version ^

Undergraduate / Since I could hold a pencil, I have belong to the artist's community. Brown Short Essay Supplement [3]

For the "where have you lived" part, my personal suggestion is that you can try to relate the physical community to yourself.

Undergraduate / My work experience - is it too cheesy to write about my lame job at McDonalds? [4]

There are no lame topics, but lame writings. :) And I'm really drawn into your first paragraph, and I can picture in mind your working condition. However, no matter what essay, the main purpose is to show yourself to the AO, which means to put your light in the writing. So I suggest you consider writing more about the moment of the attitude change. Below are a few questions I would want to know were I an admission officer:

#What motivated you to start to appreciate your work?
#How did it influence you in your, for example, academic performance or attitude toward adversities?
#Why sets the job apart from your other EC & Interns?

Undergraduate / Jade Bracelet - "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" [7]

Thanks, vangiespan. I have recycled the essay for another prompt: "Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way."

Undergraduate / Jade Bracelet - "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" [7]

EDITED:

I turned on the TV to stream Pretty Little Liars. In a prom, Emily laid down on her mother's shoulder as her mother caressed Emily's forehead, whispering: "I love you Em. And I hope we could always be together." Phew, that was cheesy.

But I longed for it, for my mom hardly said, "love" to me.
Two years ago, my mom gave me a bracelet with three lethargic molted jade beads connected by a clumpy red string. "It's not even modern! Why should I ever wear that!" I contended, yet knowing that she wouldn't yield. "It's good for you." She simply left it there, highlighting factually that it was an order, not a proposal. This was my mother, a "bull" born in 1972, always intransigent and old-fashioned. I sighed as I reluctantly put it on, picturing in mind the bleak future of not being cool anymore.

One night last summer, I took off the bracelet before a shower. Just then, my friend Michelle called. As we were doing little chitchat, I wandered around like a flappy warbler. Suddenly, my elbow knocked down the bracelet. Bang! It directly plunged onto the floor. One of the beads had irrecoverably broken apart.

On hearing the sound, My mom rushed to my room, and I knew I was to be lambasted. But instead, her countenance suddenly turned to vacantly wan, as if she were caught by the spirit and fell, losing her soul. As she collected the scattered fragments, there were no tears in her eyes, but loss and sorrow that tears could not adequately express. She was not the mom I thought I knew closely. She looked twenty years older.

"I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't been so reckless." I apologized to my mom with my downcast eyes fixed on the floor. She said nothing, and we just stood there silently for roughly five minutes. Suddenly, she turned to me and gave me the tightest hug I'd ever had. I was utterly dumbfounded, and a sense that I hadn't experienced before was rolling in my body. I felt the warmth of love, not in words, but in the language of the heart. Somehow, we both burst into tears, with a mixture of tenderness and sentiments.

That night, we talked a lot about the bracelet. My mom told me she picked it for me for the same reason my grandma picked one for her: to remind us of our family. The three beads represent the father, mother, and son. As long as the beads stick together, no matter how far away we are from one another, our souls are always linked.

Before that night, my interpretation of the bracelet was entirely different: superstition and superstition. I could hardly understand the environment in which she was brought up. Without smart phones, computers, and such modern world gadgets, she saw the world in a different dimension. We, therefore, represent two different generations, each having its distinctive culture on the same land. We speak the same language, still lost in translation.

But after that night I understand that the spiritual heritage is way more than superstition. Beneath its seemingly unfathomable facade are universal values such as love and kindness, but rendered in a different way. These values are materialized in real objects, because words are fleeting, while tangible things last longer and remind better.

Perhaps never the twain shall meet, but the overlap has the power to connect us, transcending time and space. And this universality also intrigues one to seek understanding in dissimilarities, and to approach another culture without condescendence or despise. So although sometimes I'm still confused certain points about my mother's culture, instead of resisting, I try to understand and embrace it.

Once in a dream, I saw the bead fragments came back together as one. In the moonlight, it shone so vibrantly, emitting its splendor to the goodwill embodied in my jade bracelet.