Posts by moleman

moleman

Jan 29, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS: in-home work and in-home study, a development positive or negative? [3]

The prompt: Computer technologies are more accessible and cheaper, as a result, more adults work at home and children learn at home. Is this a positive or negative development?

The following is my essay and any advice will be appreciated. Thanks.

The internet era is witnessing a dramatic change in the ways people work or study, in which a face-to-face group interaction is no longer a necessity. People can work and study at places they feel most comfortable, such as homes. I firmly believe it is a positive development that will benefit the individual and the society as a whole.

First, this in-home work or study pattern offer the much sought-after freedom and flexibility that a conventional work or study pattern usually fall short of. One of the reasons that many people hate work or study is their rigid nine-to-five routine, whereas the renewed work and study style enable a personal choice of when to start ,when to finish and the pace, as long as a overall deadline is met and a planned goal is realized. People even can do some great traveling as the work or study proceed.

Second, instead of a complete replacement of the traditional work or learning style, the in-home style work or study are a constructive and significant addition. It equips the bosses and educators with more diversified means to elastically design and execute the whole programme. The work or study process can be naturally extended to people's whole life, evolving into a personalized lifestyle.That is definitely a win-win development for both parties when the traditional face-to-face style can be coupled with the on-line in-home one.

Last but not the least, from a much broader perspective, in-home work or study style, while potentially cut individuals huge break from a rote lifestyle, weave the whole world into a ever more closely-linked and fairer community. Knowledge and ideas can be more easily and unrestrainedly spread and shared globally, for the geographical barrier is no longer a fatal problem. People, especially the unprivileged and marginalized, have more access to jobs and education, as a result, once unleveled play field becomes more and more leveled. It is totally a foreseeable scenario that one day, people from all the corners of the world work or study on-line together in their respective homes.

Self-employment and self-learning is a trend of the digital age. It may have yet to attain its perfection, but it is an unstoppable and noble one.It brings about the infinite possibility for individual and societal betterment at the same time. So, without doubt, the style of in-home work and study is a positive development, gaining traction, popularity and eventually dominance in the world.

moleman

Jan 29, 2015

Writing Feedback / Group or on your own! Safety is a huge issue. [2]

English is not my first language,so what i can offer are just my humble thoughts.

You have made a huge mistake by the digression from the topic,for the 'with a tour guide' part is completely left out. That digression seems to have a chain effect on your all essay.

Your understanding of travelling is not so clear. From my point of view, Travelling consists of self-help travelling(solo or group) and package travelling(aka travelling in group with a tour guide).

your arguments are weak(safety is a valid point, but not in your way of argument),a bit untenable(i don't think solo travelling or self-help group travelling means less interaction. On the countrary, solo travelling forces you to walk out of your comfort zone and make real contact with the unknown which is the even greater source of fresh knowledge and perspectives) and even smacks of discrimination in some part(your depiction of 'the underpriviledged country' is, at best, objective)

I think, travelling in group with a guide is more organised(the itinerary is planned in advance), safer(you are in a group) and convenient(food,accommodations and so forth are all taken care of by the agency).

Depite all the negative sides I have mentioned, I think your vocabulary and structure is good(maybe a bit wordy) in general.
What you badly need is the broad range of knowledge and ideas about the whole world which can makes your arguments convincing per ce.
Cheers. Keep going.

PS. I like the reciprocal learning style.(Only hope your critique on my essay can be more specific and detailed.)

moleman

Jan 29, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS: in-home work and in-home study, a development positive or negative? [3]

Many many thanks to you for your detaied and meticulous revision. It is quite a contribution.
If it could be desired, i also badly need some critique in generalisations. Thank you.

moleman

Feb 11, 2015

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Big outdoor public space is necessary for all cities and towns, agree or disagree? [2]

Prompts: Some people think it is important for all cities and towns to have big outdoor space for public use, such as parks and squares. Do you agree or disagree.

The following is my essay and every piece of advice is appreciated. Thanks.

At weekends, It is the normal scene in outdoor public space that kids play running and tag, teens do some ball games, young lovers lean against each other on a bench, or old couples stroll on the tree-lined pathways. The outdoor public space, such as parks and squares, is integral part of city and urban dweller's life, whose own prevalent presence speaks for its own significance.

First of all, outdoor public space, usually with a lot of greens, is good for people's health, both physically and mentally. Surrounded by all sorts of steel and concrete artificial creations, it is where the mass can have a close contact with nature, just like a temporary and easy getaway from all the seemingly unescapable hustling and bustling part of city life. The combination of a moment of quietness and a place of fresh air is always desirable.

Furthermore, outdoor public space is conductive to forming new relationships within people, for many gatherings and celebrations take place there. People from all walks of life have opportunities to take part in diversified conversations and group physical activities. Because of a similar interest, ideas can be easily spread and bonds can be smoothly formed among them.

Through a more widened lens, outdoor public space makes a city or town happier and more livable. Short-termism sometimes dictates the city-planning, causing public use land to give way to commercial use. Consequently, instead of a place for best livability, the city becomes a big showcase of modern technology and commercialization, which could not be more wrong. It is public space that cements every community and eventually molds the whole city into a healthy and strong organism.

Given those points, be it a metropolis or little town, outdoor space for public use of a proportional scale is always a must in the best interest of every individual and the city or town as a whole in the long run.

moleman

Feb 11, 2015

Writing Feedback / One's success determines through rewarding career. People are choosing to change careers, why? [4]

Some little thoughts:

1. Total word count exceeds 400, which is equal to a exam suicide for your part. You need to compress it heavily (Recommended total ranging from 250-350)

2. The introductory paragraph have some untenable proposition,for instance" The majority of people change their careers pretty often ", which even don't mesh with the narrative of the prompt"An increasing number of people are choosing to change careers during their working lives, and some even do so more than once."( You are brave to challenge the background knowledge provided by exam-setters.) And the first sentence"One's success determines through rewarding career" is awkward in wording and partial in content. A possible better version may be" A rewarding career is one of the well-accepted indicators of personal success"

3. The body of arguments
To sum up, your arguments are quite disorganised and inconsistent.

For the second sentence, the whole point sound quite strange to me. First of all, teenage means age from 13-19. Does that truly sound a period of work to you? In addition, the ''family career path'' proposition seems strange as well. Are you talking about the family buisness, which, by the way, is a small component of the whole economy? My point is :Does "the younger generation tend to choose a different career path from their parents and siblings" equal to " the younger generation tend to regularly change their career path". at least for me, there is no relevance between the two statements.

For the third paragraph, it seems that you mix up"diversified" and"enormous" in terms of experience. You see, does one stay in the same job necessarily can't get enormous exprience through the career?

For the fourth paragraph, it should be completely deleted, since you are supposed to mention some negative sides of people choosing to change their careers. instead, you describe the positive sides of not choosing to change their carees. Once Again, They are not the same case!

Most importantly, you never look at the issue in a societal perspective, which is stated clearly as"Do you think this is a positive or negative development for society?" in the promts.

I will leave it here. Good luck.

moleman

Feb 11, 2015

Writing Feedback / Who should be responsible for the welfare of poor nations? [4]

Some thoughts as follows. caveats: I am not a native, let alone a IELTS rater.

1.Your interpretation of the topic is not perfectly to the point. In my humble view, It is about 'the responsibility lies solely on the governments of poor nations ' VS 'the responsibility lies partly on the wealthy nations'. In other words, There is no denial or underestimate over the role of the governments of poor nations that will be played in looking after their own citizens, Which is quite natural to understand.

2. Latin phrases are not so recommended in a good writing at your current English level, because it will make itself incongruous to the rest of your essay. That is why 'et cetera' had better to be avoided.

3. Some of your word choices are questionable. The prime example is illfare. This is the first time in my life to see the word thanks to you, and it is even not in the Oxford's advance learner's dictionary(my English vocabulary bible). I think possible better choices may be dire status/ circumstances/situation or misfortune. Another one is environs, and obviously it should be environment. Do you see environs as a abbreviation for environment, which actually is not. Even it is true. Abbreviations are also not recommended in formal writing. the phrase'take care of' sounds a bit informal to me. Try to get full command of your existing vocabulary, because vocabulary, even if it is rich and active, remains secondary to good construction or clear points backed by strong arguments, which are the key to a good band score.

4. On your three paragraphs, I think they are not so tenable somewhere. For example, in the second paragraph, besides poverty, religion is always a fundamental drive for the prevalence of terrorism.(How can you explain the terrorist attacks that happened in Europe committed by Europeans) In the third paragraph, How can poor countries energy demands be met by rich countries without carbon emission? Energy doesn't come out of thin air. It derives mainly from fossil fuels which means the resulting emissions are unavoidable to a large extent, be it from rich countries or poor ones.

5. Generally, you need to fully understand what you have put in the essay at first, because it strikes me that you have obscure ideas about the issue, and thus you use awkward sentence construction to describe it, as a result, the whole arguments are unconvincing and shaky.

Good luck and keep going!

moleman

Feb 12, 2015

Writing Feedback / Starting earlier, you will encounter more types of sentence structures, grammars and vocabulary [3]

Just my two cents:
1. The first paragraph

The vast majority of them, usually starts comprehending another language, when their childhood have already said goodbye to them, and thus, beginning to learn a language as soon as possible is the best option, since it can reduce your accent and solidify your language foundation.

This kind of sentence is always unnecessarily annoying to me(you should know what I mean since i've done the same before). And I will give it a try while being as close as possible to your version(though actually i don't agree with your arguments).

The vast majority of them usually start to learn a foreign language from their teenage, which makes it a better choice to begin the learning at an much younger age, since it can more easily minimise the accent and lay all the foundation for further study.

2. The second paragraph

since most of them did not have the opportunity to learn it, when they were young.

Obviously it is a false proposition. Most learn the foreign language from middle shool age, namely age 12-13, which by any definition is a young age.

And about your arguements, it seems that you mistake accent for proficiency in a language, Which, by the way, seemingly serves as your sole weapon to back your arguments. Accent is never a big deal in communication unless you are in a English-teaching profession.

3. The third paragraph
Your arguements are weak and untenable. You seem to try to establish a claim that if begining at a younger age,you will have a head start over others.But the problem is that if the pedagogy is applicable to everyone, the head start would be nonexistent.

4. Consequently, you fail to make a sound and strong case for your stance. Try firstly make clear some critical concepts: young(maybe age 10-30) VS as soon as they start school(age 6 or 7), accent VS proficiency. To make matters even worse, the last part of your conclusion--

I have a robust belief that start doing anything early in this life is lucrative, including languages

--is shocking and ridiculous. Do you suggest people should start to smoke, to steal, to kill or to screw at a young age, since there are many benefits, including 'lucrative'.