Topic: Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? or is it the responsibility of the government of the poor nations to look after their citizens.
Please if you were an IELTS examiner, what band score will you give this essay?
Deciding who should be responsible for the welfare of poor nations is one of the most controversial topics in the world. Some people say it is the responsibility of the wealthy nations while others stand their grounds that it is the government of the poor nations that should take care of the welfare of its citizens. In my opinion, the wealthy nations should take care of the poor nations so as to reduce terrorism, prevent ecological degradation and control the rate of epidemic.
Terrorist organizations such as Al Qaeda can take advantage of the illfare of the impoverished nations to use her citizens most especially the male youths to carry out suicide bombings, destruction of lives and properties, assassinations and other sinister agendas against developed nations in exchange for food, money and other basic necessities of life. If the affluent nations can provide them with education, infrastructures et cetera; there will be no room to breed terrorism.
Global warming can also be reduced in under developed nations who overuse carbon based fuels. If the energy needs of these countries are met by developed countries, it will reduce the damage done to the ecosystem; however, if the developed nations refuse to help in this area, it will pose threats to our ecology in future.
Epidemic rate is also high in most destitute countries. By providing good health care services to them, they are not only helping the poverty stricken nations, but they are also curbing diseases from spreading globally.
In conclusion, you should have learned that by assisting indigent nations, the flourishing one help to discourage the growth of rebels, minimize the harm done to our environs and also control the spread of infectious diseases.
1. This essay contains some vocabulary issues, for pragmatic instance,illfare ?assissinations ? Maybe assassinations?neceessities ? necessities.
2. et cetera; if I had been you, I would have exterminated this phrase.
3. Your essay has a unique structure, but i would like you to write it formally which is to have an introduction, 2-4 body paragraphs with some examples, and a proper conclusion.
Next time, try to follow that template, and do not utilize words that you do not possess completely such as the aforementioned ones. And as a rater, I would evaluate its as from 6 -7.
Thanks. I am very grateful. Please i don't understand your number 1 point about pragmatic issues. Can you please shed more light to that?
Then for the last point, where you asked me to be more formal i.e having an introduction, 2-4 body paragraphs and a proper conclusion. I did that in the essay i wrote. The essay has an introduction, 3 body paragraphs and a conclusion.
Thanks once again.
Some thoughts as follows. caveats: I am not a native, let alone a IELTS rater.
1.Your interpretation of the topic is not perfectly to the point. In my humble view, It is about 'the responsibility lies solely on the governments of poor nations ' VS 'the responsibility lies partly on the wealthy nations'. In other words, There is no denial or underestimate over the role of the governments of poor nations that will be played in looking after their own citizens, Which is quite natural to understand.
2. Latin phrases are not so recommended in a good writing at your current English level, because it will make itself incongruous to the rest of your essay. That is why 'et cetera' had better to be avoided.
3. Some of your word choices are questionable. The prime example is illfare. This is the first time in my life to see the word thanks to you, and it is even not in the Oxford's advance learner's dictionary(my English vocabulary bible). I think possible better choices may be dire status/ circumstances/situation or misfortune. Another one is environs, and obviously it should be environment. Do you see environs as a abbreviation for environment, which actually is not. Even it is true. Abbreviations are also not recommended in formal writing. the phrase'take care of' sounds a bit informal to me. Try to get full command of your existing vocabulary, because vocabulary, even if it is rich and active, remains secondary to good construction or clear points backed by strong arguments, which are the key to a good band score.
4. On your three paragraphs, I think they are not so tenable somewhere. For example, in the second paragraph, besides poverty, religion is always a fundamental drive for the prevalence of terrorism.(How can you explain the terrorist attacks that happened in Europe committed by Europeans) In the third paragraph, How can poor countries energy demands be met by rich countries without carbon emission? Energy doesn't come out of thin air. It derives mainly from fossil fuels which means the resulting emissions are unavoidable to a large extent, be it from rich countries or poor ones.
5. Generally, you need to fully understand what you have put in the essay at first, because it strikes me that you have obscure ideas about the issue, and thus you use awkward sentence construction to describe it, as a result, the whole arguments are unconvincing and shaky.
Good luck and keep going!
