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Posts by knhusone [Suspended]
Name: Tran Ngoc Khanh Nhu
Joined: Jun 24, 2016
Last Post: Jun 30, 2016
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  
From: Viet Nam
School: Nguyen Binh Khiem

Displayed posts: 9
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knhusone   
Jun 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Debate about whether to teach children competitiveness or create a spirit of cooperation in them [4]

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged..discussion writing 2

there are too much debate about whether to teach children competitiveness or create a spirit of cooperation in them. in my opinion, both of these views have their advantages and disadvantages but they are equally important.

admittedly, we are living in a society like a rapid-fire race and require us-candidates- constantly compete with others. children should be informed of this soon and provoked their potentials. the most major benefit of competition is that the kids can explore enormously with their abilities to achieve the greatest results. A competitive could also be both a challenge and a motivation to keep them hard-working to attain their own goals. In fact, most top-achievers are ambitious people who are never afraid to collide with others. moreover, competitiveness is usually associated with self-confidence and maximum efforts that every child should own. however, the drawbacks of this feature are seriously considered, as people claim that it may lead to jealousy ans obssession with decrepancy between children and their friends.

on the other hand, collaboration is variously beneficial to children. it teaches them to ultilize individual advantages to create the most powerful union to reach the goal in the easiest way. besides, working with others teaches them more that hoe to elevate themselves as children will also learn to help people and socialize their ego with the whole community. an open mind of mixing with others is a characteristic needed for a devoted and helpful person. in fact, schools always set examples of cooperation for students to witness with teamwork.. however, the habit of having supports from outside may hammer children' independence in some certain cases, such as doing their own assignments. Furthermore, it is not good for them to stay in a crowed without trying to mark their own trace. they need a race to show theirs inner force and that is they hardly have when they are together.

in brief, there are voluminous things to educate a child, including competitiveness and collaboration. having their pros and cons going hand in hand, we should encourage both two personalities in kids so that they will be growning helpful and successful.
knhusone   
Jun 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / GRE: "Educational institutions should not dissuade students from pursuing unlikely academic careers" [3]

Hi Mrcithedj, here are my comments on your writing. I hope it can help you for your next work.
First, I think you have a good introduction, although I think it's quite direct. I can rewrite it like this:
=> As usual, students may have some subjects that hardly contribute to their academic improvement . However, rather than dissuading students from following these fields, educational institutions have the responsibility to provide the necessary information and to work alongside students to allow students to decide for themselves which field of study they wish to pursue.

In terms of others part, I think they're well-done. But I wonder if you did write them in 40 minutes like in the writing task 2 of the IELTS test, as I think they're a little bit too long.

I hope my ideas are really useful for you. :)
knhusone   
Jun 25, 2016
Undergraduate / College application personal essay for vet tech. Just a rough draft, needs a lot of work [3]

Hi Mpg, I think your writing is good and your vocabulary is various, too. However,maybe there are some places you need to clarify:
=> Epilepsy became apart of my life when I was diagnosed four years ago, it took me sometime before I really found some positives behind ... ( Does the word sometime here refer to a period of time or not?)

=> I have always surrounded myself with animals from having dogs, cats, rabbits and just about everything in between while I was growing up.

i wonder if I misunderstand your ideas but I think you can rewrite these sentences in a more comprehensive way. Thanks :)
knhusone   
Jun 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / I strongly support the idea of charging the foreign tourists higher [3]

Foreign visitors should pay more than local visitors for cultural and historical attractions?

In terms of the tourism business, there are certainly some differences between foreign visitors and local visitors, including the charge of attending cultural and historical attractions. As serving foreigners in these places has distinct difficulties at many aspects, such as culture barrier or security issue, therefore, in my opinion, a higher price for them is totally comprehensive in this case.

To begin with, having foreigners in these destinations maybe not suitable as cultural features from both sides are not matched. Besides, visitors from other countries hardly know about the history or traditions of the place they visit as they come merely on entertaining purpose. Thus, this may cause some misunderstandings in the origin, structure and meaning of the heritages because visitors find it hard to accept what go against with their original thoughts. This leads to difficulties for the tour staff in helping them to enjoy and appreciate the place in a proper way. In contrast, visitors who never know the site in advance may unintentionally do damage to its state, or they may not be tolerant to obey the crucial regulations, such as taking photo in the banned place or touching divine things on display, which can trigger dissatisfaction from local people. Therefore, a greater amount of fee will make them consider before deciding to give it a go or not and it will make up for their faults if any damage really happens.

In addition, ensuring their safety is also a heavy task in these types of sites. There are always historical and cultural areas that are hiding plenty of dangers and mysteries. If anything serious occurs to them, the government have to suffer from a lot of criticism and financial lost. In fact, for instance, there was a severe case foreigners were involved in a cruise accidents while travelling on a cultural trip in a South-East Asian country, which left unexpected consequences of deaths. If they could pay more, they will enjoy safer and more reliable service. This does not mean that lower prices gives poorer care, but the more you pay, the better your visit are well-prepared.

In conclusion, I strongly support the idea of charging the foreign tourists higher. However, it is not due to economic advantages but I believe that it will provide the serving staff enough finance and motivation to evaluate the quality of the place and the benefit of visitors.
knhusone   
Jun 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happy Moonlight Festival- create your own festival [2]

Hi Maibellinenguyen, I highly appreciate your description of the festival, but I think you should use vocabulary more carefully. to improve your work, like :
=> Besides, it is also an occasion for family reunions and a day for children to enjoy before the new school year begins.
=> On the other hand, some of the children will come together as a team of eight to ten people to perform the lion dance.

=> A traditional dish for this festival is mooncake (cuz I think we cannot use " a food ", right?)
=> After all, they gather around to chit chat and enjoy the cakes with a sip of hot tea under the bright moonlight.

I hope that my suggestions will help you for a better work next time ! :)
knhusone   
Jun 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Differences in the universal trend in using water for 3 distinct purposes over a period of 100 years [3]

Writing task 1 - Global water use by sector

Q: The graph and table below give information about water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph reveals differences in the universal trend in using water for 3 distinct purposes over a period of one hundred years, while the table shows different water consumption of Brazil and Congo in the year 2000.

It is obvious that the global use of water in all three sector grew steadily, especially in agriculture. Additionally, in 2000, Brazil had a greater size of population, irrigated area and individual water consumption tha Congo.

As can be seen from the graph, in the beginning year 1900, water was used most by the world for agricultural activities with approximately 5000 km3, whereas in the other sectors, including industry and domesticity, the figures were very comparatively low. Their usage increased gradually and became more dramatically since 1950. At the end of the period, in 2000, the world consumed up to 3000 km3 water for farming tasks, which was over twice as much as in industrial use. Household activities accounted for the lowest volume of water used, at about 4000 km3.

In addition, tha data given shows Brazil utilized much water than Democratic Republic of Congo. There was a population of 176 million in Brazil, compared to only 5.2 million in Congo in 2000. Besides, this country had up to 26500 km2 of farming land, which was 256 times greater than Congo. Also, their personal use of water was noticeably higher than Congo as it reached up to 359 m3, while in the other country only 8 m3 was consumed by every individual.

If possible, please give me an estimated band score. Thanks so much.
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knhusone   
Jun 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Environment; Let me know if this issue essay of GRE is proper or not and rate on the scale of 1 to 6 [3]

Wow bldivya5, your writing is super-good (and better than me , I think :) ). However, I have some suggestions for you here:
=> amount of trash produedproduced per week.
=> the amount (of what, it was not clear here, I think) has reduced consequently.
=> Most of the cities produce waste not only from households but also from factories, theartres, hospitals, shopping complexes, bus stations, etc.
=> we should keep our surroundings clean which subsequently reduces the pollution levels which helps us to keep an eye on the environmental issues. (This sentence is not really fluently to me, you should rewrite it comprehensively.)

I hope you will come back with a better work!
knhusone   
Jun 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many people think that regions affect successful person. State your opinion. [5]

Hi twid, I have some suggestions for you here:
a person's attitude => personal attitude.
Native environment plays a role in instilling (implanting) traits such as leadership,
social skills, behavior, etc.( Leadership is more concrete than social skills and behaviors, so you shouldn't mention them together in this example).
These qualities an individual acquires over a period.( Mind the structure of this sentence.)
However, the surrounding is just only one of many factors that play the important role in individual success. ( Don't repeat this collocation, you can use contribute greatly to instead).

For example, Mahatma Gandhi, The founding father of Indian freedom movement from British regime,
has never compromising attitude for freedom from English and had determined and
convinced with the idea of independent India.
(You should clarify this sentence and mind the structure, I'm afraid.)

If I misunderstood your ideas, please forgive me. I hope you will be successful with your work!
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