Posts by Rashan

Rashan

Jan 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / What would I do if I were a billionaire? [5]

@Varlamow
I think your essay lacks details... As pointed by Holt, it would be better if you focus on giving examples and minor details. For instance, about "improve the quality of jobs and ensure better working conditions", you can say what kind of jobs you want to improve and how. you can say you would improve the industrial workers situation by providing them free health masks or safety goggles. You also said you would like to provide food, permanent shelters and clothes for the poor, but I'd rather you be more specific about poor you are speaking about. For example, you can say there is a homeless community few yards from your home with certain number of people, and what you will do.

Rashan

Jan 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements [4]

I agree with Holt. You seem to be missing the main issue here. If you agree that contemporary celebrities are setting a bad example to young people, you should support your stand by providing examples and or reasons. One example may be how your younger sister once uploaded a youtube video where she had fancy makeup and had fancy dress up intending to get famous as some of her role model(celebrity) once did.

Rashan

Jan 25, 2017

Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

@Holt
Great! Thank you so very much... I will submit this very essay hoping for getting a scholarship.
Thank you once again.

Rashan

Jan 24, 2017

Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

@Holt
I have tried my best to describe the sectback here:

One of my biggest mistakes ever was trying to do it all myself. As a key striker of my high school's football team, I felt like I knew everything about playing football. After few inter college matches I found myself spending more time on the bench rather than on the field, perhaps because I was constantly trying to play striker, mid fielder and defender all by myself; all attempts to impress a member of All Nepal Football Association(ANFA)'s player selection committee.

After a few selfish games; not being able to score even a single goal, the coach put me on the bench for the whole season that year. My fellow striker was later chosen to play in under-19 national team, the chance of which I missed and I regret the most. Since I had trained years to be selected in national team, I didn't want to give up, rather I gave up one precious year of my life and repeated a year in high school. Although it cost me a lot of money for another year in the same grade, I was determined to give my best and most definitely not repeat the blunder I did last year; play selfishly in a team game. I worked as an instructor in the evening (to save up money for my school) and practiced football with my team mates in the evening, and on the same year after a quarter final match I was approached by a selection committee member asking me to play in national games.

I am really looking forward to having my essay reviewed by you....

Thank you

Rashan

Jan 24, 2017

Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

@Holt
Thank you ...that was very helpful...I might actually write on something like that...but before that...would you consider losing a chance to be selected in national football team a setback because of your selfish plays in matches to impress a selector?? similar thing happen to me when I was in high school.... can you suggest me how I can make the essay more striking??

Thank you!!

Rashan

Jan 23, 2017

Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

The prompt is "Describe any setback/opportunity/challenge that you have faced and the impact it has on you in no more than 250 words."

Rashan

Jan 22, 2017

Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

jealous friends

I was good at studies, and always stood first in class too, and teachers were proud of me, but does that make me hateful? It was in grade ten that I came to know how spiteful your friends become just because they are jealous of you, especially when they are your best friends sharing the same bench in the same classroom. I was a good friend to all of my classmates, but there were four boys, in particular, who I was very close to. We were the most talkative, noise-making group in our class. While I enjoyed my friend's company, I failed to notice how I had inadvertently made them jealous of me; not until they confronted me, one day. That day I got to know how they hated me, for they thought I was the root cause why they were not getting good grades, and why teachers were not paying them as much attention as I was getting. They accused me that I was in their group simply to hamper their study.

I was heartbroken that day. I had lost four of my best friends. It saddens me to this day, but it made me realize that I need to be more considerate towards people around me. I learned that you don't need an hour to lose your friends that you worked years to gain, so I would lay my life on line if that's what it takes because I know the pain of losing friends and I don't ever want to feel it again. Never!

Rashan

Jan 22, 2017

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Task: The idea to tell students which subject their should study [5]

just remember you need to fully understand the complexities of the issue and show, in you writing, that you understand them well by presenting it. Plus it would be a good essay if you consider both sides of the issue and present you views, one stronger than other which makes it seem that you fully grasp the gravity of the issue.

Rashan

Jan 22, 2017

Writing Feedback / Flying all over the world. IELTS Task 2: Should air travel be restricted or NOT. [5]

Rather than starting with a general statement why don't you share your personal story of air travel( can be fabricated)?and instead of saying"share my opinion in following passage" it would be best if you just the reasons why you disagree.

Rashan

Nov 22, 2016

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for graduate study in electrical engineering [3]

Thank you for such valuable insights and suggestions. I will make corrections in the essay and post it again as soon as possible. Thank you very much.

Rashan

Nov 22, 2016

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for graduate study in electrical engineering [3]

Submit an essay (250 words maximum) explaining how this award will assist your ability to receive an education and indicate your career and personal goals.

Electrical Engineering

Scholarships, particularly for ambitious students like myself, would help achieve the goal for studying in USA; a better, qualitative education with broad knowledge of the subjects. The scholarship would provide me more time to concentrate on my studies rather than me needing to earn money to pay for my tuition and living expenses. It also strengthens my opportunity to add multiple courses to my study and increase my credit hours, which, without scholarship, I would not be able to pay. Provided the fact that the scholarship is free money, it would reduce my financial stress during and after completion of the courses. I would not have do minimum-wage jobs to repay (as in case of loans) the scholarship which would give me plenty of time to prepare for my further education (a PhD).

I believe I'm very ambitious; I want to bring changes to the education and energy scenario in my country as an adept electrical engineer. My one and only personal goal is to provide freshly graduated electrical engineers the opportunities that I was deprived of; the opportunity to attend graduate school at low cost with plenty of room for research and development (related to electrical engineering). I also want to build my career towards a power system researcher and a research instructor and eventually establish my own research department under Nepal government (Nepal electricity authority) which will ultimately help realize my life long objective.