Posts by btho

btho

Apr 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: Social networking sites-------A blessing or a curse? [2]

Topic: Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

The different views on online connections between people

In the 21st century, the advancement of technology has without doubt, connect the world more tightly together. However, to some, social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter are claimed to be detrimental to both the individuals and the society. To me, I instead believe social networking platforms are beneficial to both aspects.

With regard to individuals, social networking sites create a platform for them to socialize. Through creating a fan page, one can easily connect with people of similar interests. They can earn their sense of affiliation by joining certain functions in the group and getting along with others. One can get to learn about socializing with strangers. Also, as information flows rapidly on platforms like Twitter or Facebook, everyone can stand a chance to know more about the thoughts and the ideology of people with opposing stance on certain issues. Hence promoting understanding between people with different ethnicity, races and political stances, then get to bridge the gap and widen their respective circle of acquaintance.

Looking at a bigger picture, community awareness can be enhanced with the use of social networking media. It is not uncommon to see political parties promoting the prime importance of voting and election. Citizens will be much more aware of their civil responsibility in the community. Furthermore, participation in particular protests originating from the social platforms will encourage citizens to contribute more to the community with their friends met in the events with similar goals, who aspire to better the community, in turn raising community awareness.

In conclusion, despite the abuse of social networking sites by some individuals, social networking is a blessing to the individuals and the society as the positive effects of socialization and raising community awareness are far more influential than the negative ones.

Words: 288

btho

Apr 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / Most of criminals are notorious offenders - what to do with them? [3]

... people less willing to commit crime again.
... be applied in all countries in the world.

Be careful with the grammar, it is quite confusing to read. And I think "crime agent" should not be a word to describe inmates or prisoners or offenders, isn't it?

btho

Apr 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / causes and measures for offenders who commit more crimes after serving the first punishment [3]

Below is my revised and recommended various of your essay, I rectified some grammatical mistakes and make a few changes.
Overall the problem is the accuracy, word choice and grammar. Also, if the conclusion can also sum up the reason stated in the 2nd paragraph then it would be better.

The punishment is given to the law breakers to give them deterrent effect. Unfortunately, there are many crime cases which ex-prisoners continue to commit crimes again. The main reason of this is related to the inadequate prison system. Repairing the prison system is an effective way to tackle such problem.

The predominant reason of why crime offenders commit their crime more is the treatment they get during punishing isn't useful at all. They are put in the same person in the prison. Eventually, during the punishment phase, the environment that they are in without any exchange of righteous ideas and information causes them to remain having the same mindset. They will then still be lacking of practical skills to survive in workplace so that after serving a sentence, they tend to be ignored in the society and unable to find any jobs. In desperate need of money to make ends meet, they can do nothing but resort to crime.

To eliminate the problem above, rehabilitation program during prison should be an effective solution. The rehabilitation program means that the criminal are given lectures on practical skills as a preparation before exempting to the public. If they have the necessary survival skills, they will be able to get a job easily. For instance, the Indonesian National Narcotic Agency program is a rehabilitation program which provides their subjects with some skills. As a result, after passing the program, the subjects can get to apply those skills acquired for getting jobs in society and would not go astray.

To sum up, it is true that the first punishment for law breakers is not effective enough for giving shock therapy for them. However, for solving such problem, the government has to be strategic for improving their practical skills. If the government fails in tackling this worrying problem, re-committing crimes will be more and more prevalent.

btho

Apr 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1: Info about British sporting activities [4]

As I am going to have an Ielts exam soon, an honest band grade estimation and evaluation would help, thank you in advance for you sincere help.

Topic: The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children's sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.

the participation figure for different kind of sports

The two charts provide information about British children's sports. The first chart lists the changes in the financial support from parents in Britain on kids' sporting activities and the second chart compares British children's participation in three sports.

It is clear that parents' expenditure had risen over the span of six years from 2008 to 2014. Overall, from the second graph, athletics and swimming saw an increase in participation while the figure for football remains steady.

In 2008, the average monthly spending was 20 pounds. The figure experienced a gradual increase over six years and rose to just above 30 pounds in 2014.

Looking at the participation numbers in 2008, around 8 million of children played football while the figures for athletics and swimming is about 2 million and 0.5 million respectively, which was much lower. Within the six years, the number of children participating in football remained steady. On the contrary, the participation figure for athletics witnessed a drastic climb to 5 million in 2012, then fell slightly to just below 5 million in 2014. For swimming, the number of participation increased slowly throughout the whole period and end at about 4 million in 2014, and was overtook by athletics in around 2011.

Word count:204

btho

Apr 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / Commit crimes and first punishment - death penalty? [2]

The main issue with your essay should be grammar, which is seriously deterring your readers should getting your message. Instead of "unbalance punishment", you should say "unbalanced punishment" , instead of "than the demerits they done", should be " than the demerits that they have done." Also, if you are listing examples, you better give the real name of a corrupter instead of corrupter x so that it would be more convincing.

btho

Apr 25, 2017

Writing Feedback / First Punishment for many offenders [2]

Ummm With all due respect, I think the first thing you need to work on is your grammar accuracy. Instead of using big words inaccurately, I think if you can create an error-free essay will secure you with a 5-6 in Ielts writing if that is what you are going to take. Given that the examiners always emphasize more on whether you can express you view in a clear manner, you should scrutinize your essay twice first and not to use difficult words that is not up to your standard. It is easily seen.

Instead of " turning to the causes... notorious crimes." You should instead say: Regarding the solutions, more effective punishment should be given to the offenders as to stop the notorious lawbreakers(can simply be replaced with them) from further commit crimes. The word" deterrent" is used wrongly in that sentence and we won't say "it considers the solution......."

It is good that you tried to used various word form of the same word (crime) and variation of word is seen. However, you have to use them correctly in order to score higher.

btho

Mar 27, 2017

Writing Feedback / Should children start learning foreign language earlier? [2]

benefits and drawbacks regarding early learning of second language

Acquiring a foreign language is never easy. Deciding on whether kids should start learning a different language at an earlier stage has been a tough pedagogic task for the scholars. This essay holds a supporting stance for the notion that students should learn a foreign language as early as possible due to the fact that it is more flexible and feasible.

In terms of flexibility, begin learning at primary school allows more room for manoeuver. Teachers can arrange activities like a study tour to a foreign place or communication with a foreign pen friend for the students throughout the six years. Students can have more time to breed their interest for the language. They can get to know more about the language through watching cartoons with foreign subtitles.

Considering the feasibility, though many would claim that children are not mature enough to learn another language at primary school, the fact is kids at primary school are indeed stress-free and would learn at a faster pace instead. Secondary schoolchildren have to confront countless obstacles in their school life, be it the rigid school curriculum or the tremendous pressure brought by the competitive social phenomenon. Hardly can they spare any time for family reunion, not to mention about learning a different language which requires relentless determination.

In conclusion, even if primary school children are not physiologically developed enough to learn a new language, the benefits of begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school outweigh the demerits of it in terms of flexibility and feasibility.