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Ielts writing task 1: Info about British sporting activities

btho 3 / 4 1  
Apr 25, 2017   #1
As I am going to have an Ielts exam soon, an honest band grade estimation and evaluation would help, thank you in advance for you sincere help.

Topic: The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children's sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.

the participation figure for different kind of sports

The two charts provide information about British children's sports. The first chart lists the changes in the financial support from parents in Britain on kids' sporting activities and the second chart compares British children's participation in three sports.

It is clear that parents' expenditure had risen over the span of six years from 2008 to 2014. Overall, from the second graph, athletics and swimming saw an increase in participation while the figure for football remains steady.

In 2008, the average monthly spending was 20 pounds. The figure experienced a gradual increase over six years and rose to just above 30 pounds in 2014.

Looking at the participation numbers in 2008, around 8 million of children played football while the figures for athletics and swimming is about 2 million and 0.5 million respectively, which was much lower. Within the six years, the number of children participating in football remained steady. On the contrary, the participation figure for athletics witnessed a drastic climb to 5 million in 2012, then fell slightly to just below 5 million in 2014. For swimming, the number of participation increased slowly throughout the whole period and end at about 4 million in 2014, and was overtook by athletics in around 2011.

Word count:204

Diahkn93 6 / 9  
Apr 25, 2017   #2
hai, @btho

i had read your explanation
in first paragraph you need to put overview. in your task there were no overview at all
ex : monthly sports expenditure, experienced upward trend trough 6 years while another graphs inform the children favorite sports divided into three figures.

the way you explain the chart is already good.
but im not sure in some part like Overall, from the second graph, athletics and swimming saw ... => the 2 figures such as swimming and football were increased, while athletic slightly decreased

you have less grammatically errors, super good need to remember plural object.

if I am examiner you might score around 6 or 6.5
good luck for real test :)
agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Apr 25, 2017   #3
hay btho,
i have read your writing closely, so there are some feedback for improving your score
for your task achievement, you may get no more than 6, because you wrote too detail on your overview. you should pay attention on selecting the main features. as i read on your essay, you write all detail without selecting the appropriate data selected.

turning to the Coherence and Cohesion. you arrange information coherently and used some cohesive devices so i think you can get 7 or more.
you also used a sufficient range of vocabulary in this essay, and you can get more than seven on your Lexical Resource.
furthermore, on your grammar, a saw you used a variety of complex structures with minor errors. so you can get more than seven.
Reza_Hidayat 13 / 18 1  
Apr 25, 2017   #4

I have red you essay and I think that it does not cover all key features since you are likely to focus on some details, and you should arrange your body paragraph coherently as you present information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression. Especially in paragraph three, it is better if you extend your explanation or you could divide your essay into 3 paragraph: paragraph 1= introduction, paragraph 2= body paragraph 1 and paragraph 3=body paragraph 3. It could help you get higher score in coherence and cohesion.

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