Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Beautifulnights
Joined: Aug 30, 2009
Last Post: Sep 7, 2009
Threads: 1
Posts: 14  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
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Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Hospitality Management - my Rough Draft for my UCF application Essay :) [2]

the first 2 paragraphs are really good! and the last one isnt weak, persay, but it starts to get a little generic...which is to be expected, I mean theres only so much you can talk about a school, right? Anyway, props to you for choosing something (school spirit!) that not as many people will write about- it'll help your essay stand out.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

Oh we use the same website! Thats so crazy! But we only compete amongst ourselves, in our own private group (VSE)...our advisor wanted us to join a bigger competition, but I dont know what happened, haha.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

I like it, especially the last sentence. Fix the first sentence (for some reason, the simile here feels out of place.)

That's very cool you have an investment club! I'm part of one too. Out of curiousity, what website do you use?
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "1...2...BOOM!"- Common app [9]

Thank you- I actually wanted to delete that last comment (but couldnt, I waited too long), I was just panicking because I hadnt realized the way that the forums work (I know, I know, I shouldve read the user agreement).

And I think I will be putting my name on it, even though I wanted to stay anonymous, I guess it would be for the best to be able to claim my work if it ever came to the point that someone copied.

I'll be crossing my fingers that my essay stays safe =D
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / 'studying photography' - FSU Essay -- Vires, Artes, Mores [8]

I like it! and as someone who took photo I once, I can totally relate the whole "half the frames were blank"! thing. =]

The essay is especially nice because you tie it into an extracurricular (photography classes), which they'll see on your transcript.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

Very nice essay! I like it, and I don't think its too vague- you were going the "show, dont tell" route, and it definetly worked. I especially love the little dialogue you added at the end, it really pulled it together.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]

thats such a quirky prompt! makes me want to apply =P
I think you have good ideas, but for some reason, I am just not crazy about the dialogue-format...although you were trying to make it different than other applicant's by making yours that way, I think that from what you have, it would look better in just a normal paragraph, directed to the admissions committe, and not to your imaginary roomate.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / Illinois State Academic Personal Statement [6]

I think you could write about anything that motivates you to want to apply to the school, but it also seems like a good opportunity to explain the major you're interested in, how that affected the classes you took, and how you will continue that certain interest when you attend college. That is what it sounded like to me.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "1...2...BOOM!"- Common app [9]

oh man, how do I delete my essay off?! If I google the title, it comes right up! Can't colleges see that, if they took a second to look? And now someone's probably going to take it when last minute December apps roll along. It makes me feel like I can't use this essay...=[ And I didn't know that we had to pay? So basically, you only recieve good essay help if you have the money to pay, and if you don't, the site isn't truly "free" because posting anything up will make it available for the masses to use. I hate being poor. I feel a little hysterical right now, but is there really no other way to protect my essay than forking over money?
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / quantum mechanics - Why does Brown interest me? [14]

youngjoony
"He had this crazy way of thinking that was coherent - most of the time anyway."

For some reason, this is my least favorite line- I think I know what you're saying, but you should try to make it clearer some how.
Beautifulnights   
Sep 7, 2009
Undergraduate / "1...2...BOOM!"- Common app [9]

Prompt: Topic of my choice, I guess.
Notes: It's a little choppy, and I need help with fluidity. Also, I probably need to chop it down, since I think it's too long for the common app. =/ Also, is it a bad subject? Is it boring? Be honest.

This is literally my fourth essay *sigh*.

"1...2...BOOM!"

In the dark living room lit only by the tv sitting in the middle, my little brother and I silently counted with our fingers the seconds it took for the thunder to sound after a bright flash of lightning, in awe at how close the storm was to our house. I'd never been afraid of thunderstorms; I relished the thrill of the atypically dark sky and seeing the raw, uncontrolled flashes of light followed by a violent crash soon after, and I enjoyed watching outside my window. That night, a flash of lightning and a perfectly synchronized "BOOM!" exploded over our heads causing us both to jump, the tv going suddenly going pitch black; the tv had died, and after a few minutes of fumbling around, my brother and I agreed that there was no hope for the tv's revival. It was upsetting because we knew, after countless times begging for game consoles, computer games, and other toys, that our parents did not spend on anything that they deemed unnecessary; they had both come from impoverished parts of Colombia, and the tv was the most modern thing we had.

Thankfully, we discovered that the cable dish was destroyed, and not so much the tv itself. My parents took it extremely well; this was a sign and good opportunity to rebel against the ever-increasing cable bill, and instead switch to basic channels. In a few days when I saw my father proudly installing the thin antenna on top of the roof, I knew it meant a permanent change. At seeing that ominous piece of metal on the roof, I screamed, cried, and pleaded until my parent's ears hurt. It took me a few days to come to the reality that it was another thing that I just couldn't have; it took me years to appreciate the full consequences of it.

To pacify my complaints of constant boredom, my mother took me to the local library. I resentfully picked out a bunch of books for the week since anything was better than doing nothing, but was surprised to discover feeling a thrill exploring a world unknown to me, whether it was in the laughter from "Amelia Bedelia", the wonder of "The Magic Tree House", or the loving story of "The Velveteen Rabbit". After that, I made going to the library and picking out a stack of books a ritual of mine, to the point where the library staff knew me by name and would smile every time I would tip toe to place the books on the front desk when checking them out.

As I grew year by year, I continued going to that same library, eventually moving to the "Adults" section in the fifth grade. Unlike my classmates' parents, mine did not have the same fluent English, and so they could never really help me with school reports or reading assignments; it was thanks to the library that I was able to better my vocabulary and writing. I soon found myself passing the reading level of my peers, and without a doubt surpassing them in enthusiasm; while they dreaded picking books for book reports required in English class, I had trouble deciding which book out of the ones I loved to write about! It came to the point where the reading text book we used was pretty simple to me and I relied on my library sprees to give me the mental stimulation I desired.

I was addicted to reading, but I started to especially be fond of certain types of books. I most enjoyed the psychological thrillers, the ones that stayed with you in the night and the next few days after you're finished reading them. I adored science fiction, where observe an author's opinion on what the human thought process would be if extra terrestrials ever arrived. Most of all, I found that books that questioned man's ethic's in certain situations, as well as the mental impact; I still have the book report that my teacher in the 6th grade was so impressed with, after I read "Lord of the Flies". But the overarching characteristic in my favorite books were those that made me think. Those that made me question things I believed in, and through the fictional plot lines changed my perspective of the reality I lived in. It affected the way I started to write and think in my other classes, such as history, religion, and even science. I had become a book addict; I found mini-thunderstorms between each cover of the books I took out, and I would never again be able to tear my eyes away.

I'm not sure if it was fate, or my parents playing some elaborate hoax, but I'm sure that if it weren't for that single strike of lightning and the death of our cable box, I wouldn't be the same person, and I couldn't thank that library enough; I volunteer there to this day in hopes that other people might find the same love of books I did. Those reading skills I acquired as a young child no doubt helped me enter (__gifted program___), irrevocably changing my life by giving me the rare opportunity to go to an independent school with the kind of education and opportunities that would be impossible for my family otherwise. My infatuation with literature has helped me not only in my classes, but wherever I went thereafter, in my leisure time, and are constantly an influence on my ideas. Books have made me a free thinker, and by improving my writing, have given me the tool to express my experiences and thoughts to other people, a more valuable gift than anything, and that tool is the reason you have this essay is your hands. I might not have cable anymore or the latest iphone, but I will always have my reading and writing, and that can never be broken.
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