Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: Accommodations for holidaymakers [6]

Hi all,

Please feel free to comment my writing for this prompt: The charts show the proportion of holidaymakers of one region staying in different types of accommodation in three different years. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

proportion of different accommodations types

The pie charts compare four different places of accomodation where travelers from one area stayed in the years 1965, 1985 and 2005. Overall, the majority of holidaymakers preferred staying with friends or relatives or living in hotels to spending night time in camps or caravans. It is also noticeable that every option out of four had a specific trend over the period shown.

In 1965, staying with friends or relatives accounted for the highest proportion and 55% of all travelers chose this option but the percentage fell to 35% and 30% in 1985 and 2005, respectively. By contrast, only 16% of holidaymakers preferred living in hotels to other choices in 1965 and the figure for this group increased to 37% and reached a peak of 38% to become the most popular choice in the next four decades mentioned.

Unlike the above two options, the figure for camping and caravans changed inversely during the 40-year period. The figure for camping grew by 3% in the first twenty years but declined twofold in the final period while the figure for caravan parks dropped by 4% and then doubled in 2005.

Thank you in advance.

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Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Early job to pay for retirement [2]

Topic: The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?

My try:

starting work at an earlier age

It is a fact that the more people live a longer life, the more of them need to work for a number of extra years to contribute to the retirement fund. Many advocate another viable option which suggests that these people should start working earlier, but I totally disagree with this notion.

The first justification is that working as soon as possible may pose a threat to the development of young people. It is common sense that children need a certain period of time to grow properly as well as gain a standardized level of education. Seeking a job early, therefore, may have various negative impacts on both mental and physical health of the youths, such as back problems and chronic stress when they become older. This will eventually be a heavy burden for the government because it has to allocate more funds to medical system to support their treatment. Another potential danger is that these employees cannot master adequate knowledge and useful skills to work with high efficiency and effectiveness.

Meanwhile, the solution of allowing old people to continue their working life for a handful of years seems to have more benefits. People in contemporary society receive better health-care services than their ancestors did and it is realistic that they can maintain their competitive abilities in the workplace for years. Some may hold the believe that it is not fair to force elderly people to work after many years of working but this assumption is somehow fallacious because many seniors express their happiness realizing that they can still contribute to the welfare of the society. For this reason, I would support the viewpoint of working longer.

In conclusion, it seems to me that starting work at an earlier age has overall unfavorable outcomes in comparison with working more in the old age.

Please feel free to comment. Thank you all in advance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: Australian school leavers' activities [3]

activities of students in antipodes

The charts show the Australian school leavers did immediately after leaving secondary school. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

My report:

"The pie charts compare three activities that Australian students pursued right after they left their secondary schools in the three years 1980, 1990 and 2000.

It is clear that pursuing further education and working were the two main choices for Australian students in all the three mentioned years. The number of unemployed students remained insignificant during this period.

In 1980, half of the school leavers decided higher academic pursuit to be their first preference, but this choice became less attractive in the following years with 38% and 37% continuing their further studies in 1990 and 2000, respectively. By contrast, only 40% of students graduated from secondary schools took a job right away in 1980 but this proportion increased to 50% in 1990 to become the most popular choice for students leaving secondary school and reached to a peak of 55% in the last year.

Meanwhile, the number of students being unemployed after school fluctuated slightly. Only 10% of the total graduates failed to gain employment in 1980. Although this saw a rise to 12% in 1990, it fell to 8% in the last year of the period shown."

Please feel free to comment...

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Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Liability to support state education system [5]

Topic: Families who send their children to private schools should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

state education system contribution

"Many believe that parents with children in private schools should not be liable to contribute to the state education system. I assume that citizens are responsible only for their corresponding choices made by them alone and therefore, I totally agree with this notion.

The first reason for holding the belief mentioned above is that many families assume that private schools are more appropriate for their children and they do not receive benefits from the state education system. It is common sense that it would not be fair on them if they were required to pay for the public education expenditure. Therefore, tax exemptions should be allowed for these households. Some may assume that those being eligible for these tax deductions should also help to fund the national education budget but this statement is somehow fallacious because the state's expenses have already been reduced by their joining the private education system.

Another significant point is that many families cannot afford to pay both private schools' expenses and to contribute to the state education system. It is a fact that the cost of private education is usually higher than the payment ability of parents with average income so that some have to ask for support which will eventually be a heavy burden on the government. For example, the total monthly tuition fees of a student in private high schools in developing countries is well above one thousand dollars which is worth a king's ransom if their parents are working in normal jobs such as workers or farmers. For this reason, I tend toward the viewpoint that financial concessions should be made to them.

In conclusion, it seems to me that people have the right to pay only for the expenses of their children to follow suitable learning paths and for this reason, I entirely agree with the viewpoint that tax liability to support state education system is not reasonable for those who send their children to private schools."

I would highly appreciate if you could help me to revise the above essay. Thank you all in advance.