Posts by pier - page 2

pier

Oct 18, 2017

Scholarship / Networking for better health outcomes (Chevening essay) [4]

I hope these are helpful:
minor:
health care->healthcare
trainings->trainings
centre->center
, and I maintain it by regular follow-up and-> , maintaining it by regular follow-up, and
I also have contact with some of the->I have also contacted some of the

and I saw less explanation about how you influenced and led others in your experiences.

pier

Oct 18, 2017

Writing Feedback / The proportion of men and women from the Aussie country who did systematic physical activity [4]

@just_writer
There are some misinterpretations in your writing. For example:
It shows that Australian... => The report shows that Australian females between the age 35 to 65 do more exercises.
When you use younger I expect some refrence to older in your previous sentence, because you said in contrast.
portion of active Australian men-> portion of men who do regular exercises
you can ommit but when using also.
have more physical activities =>do more physical activities
Minor:
Capitalize first character in th begining of a sentence.

pier

Oct 18, 2017

Writing Feedback / When proffesors give project on which students must work together, the students learn more effective [5]

Thank you @Holt and @naseernasrati, you both are right.
I change it tho this:

Teachers can assign individual or collaborative projects to students in order to teach them course material. Although there are some benefits to collaborative projects, I believe giving students group projects is not as effective as it seems because it might cause several problems.

First, if a student does not contribute to the group, other members become reluctant to contribute, too. As a result, group members won't share their experiences and nobody learns anything. For instance, while my professor assigned a group project to us in the university, one student did't share his findings in the weekly sessions. After a while, other members began to do the same thing and suddenly, nobody shares his or her research. So we have just sat and talk about daily incidents without learning anything useful from the project. Additionally, in a two member group if a student won't contribute to the group, the whole responsibility might go over one person and consequently one student does not try enough finish the project.

On the other hand, when you do a project alone you encounter many problems which leads you to do research and find a solution for them. While in a group work you are depending on others to solve the problems. Consider that your teacher gives you a programming assignment to write a website. If you work in group, you have to wait for your counterpart to design the website, therefore you won't learn how to design a website. While if you have worked alone, you could search for a tutorial and master it your self.

Finally, even though collaboration can reduce the project time, it cannot teach students more effectively than when they work alone.

pier

Oct 18, 2017

Writing Feedback / When proffesors give project on which students must work together, the students learn more effective [5]

Agree or disagree? when teachers assign a project on which students must work together, the students learn much more effectively than when they are asked to work alone on projects? Use specific reasons and examples.

working together on a project

Teachers practice different methods to teach their students. One way that many teachers prefer to do is to ask students to work together in their project. However, in my opinion working together for projects causes several problems. First, the learning process needs personal experiences which might not happen in a group project and second, it might results in conflict, eventually.

To begin with, learning effectively has different steps which one of them is working in groups. However, when students are in its initial step, working together is much of a problem than the answer. Consider as an example that two students want to make a woody bicycle, none of them have enough experience working with wood which results in not finishing the job.

On the other hand, if one of them has enough experience and others lack such experiences, the end result would be a division between group members. This happens because the student with more experience cannot stand others to made mistake and he or she wants to be the dominant person which this behavior disturbs the other members. Finally, it will either end up in a conflict or a situation where the experienced student should finish the job because others are reluctant to participate. These outcomes are completely opposite of the intended goals.

Nevertheless, there are some points in working together that helps children in the future. For instance, students can learn how to stand different attitudes and manners in a cooperative environment.

Overall, when it comes to working in group different results might influence the outcome but learning effectively is not achievable until students have already learned the basic principles.

pier

Oct 18, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Is local history more important than world history? Opinion essay. [4]

local history, because

"local history, because" I think the comma should omitted.
The topic says nothing about school children directly, so I think it's better if you start with a more general statement first.
Some changes I prefer:
"these fields" => each of these fields
"live. When " => live. Therefore, when ... and omit "this means" and "Therefore, they can" =>As a result, they...
Overall, you write very smooth and understandable.

pier

Oct 18, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1-The charts below give information on the ages of people when they got married... [4]

@madeline8484
Your writing is very understandable. "Looking at the charts in more detail," very good expression.
Just one thing, I don't see any reference to the year in your writing except introduction. Since without referencing, it is very hard to find out if the changes happened in one year or different years.

pier

Oct 17, 2017

Scholarship / Trained communication skills at Campus Concern Medan (CC-Medan) and Gerakan Mahasiswa Kristen (GMKI) [3]

@anarut24
Here, some suggestion I can give:
1. Check your writing through a spell checker.(Thingking->thinking, Chrsitian->Christian, ...)
2. Check for correct articles (the different->a different)
Sentences that I think you should change because of either grammatical error or strange style:
Both organization has the ...->Organizations had different missions sharing the same vision.
I became a member of Campus ...->... in 2012 which arranged some discussions about relation of politic, economy and society with education.
All the members originated from different ...-> Members majored in different areas and most of them were Christian.

My general impression is that you didn't read your writing throughly, otherwise you could find and correct most problems yourself.

pier

Oct 17, 2017

Writing Feedback / The effect of paying for high grades at school. [3]

Some parent offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school Do you think this is a good idea?Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Students should be encouraged whenever they achieve a higher grade. However, some parents offer money for each grade they get in school as an incentive. Although I agree to encourage students, I believe giving money for each high grade makes students dependable and it is not a sustainable approach.

When a child receives money for getting high grades, she or he become dependable on getting money. In other words, if parents no longer pay him, the student will lose his incentive for getting a better grade. As a result, he becomes a conditional person which is not an appropriate personality. Additionally, this approach makes the child thinks that he should get better as long as his parents pay him and when his parents are no longer available to pay him, he will stop improving and become a useless person.

Parents cannot pay the student forever because as they pay him, he becomes more greedy and wants more money. This is a popular attitude in many individuals that make this approach inappropriate. This approach also makes the student ask for money for other things he does well, like doing his home-works or even going to school. As a result, parents cannot continue doing this forever.

In conclusion, giving money for each high score is not productive and won't make students an independent and competent person. This approach only makes them a conditional and greedy person which is not favorable in the society.