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Posts by Jeannie
Joined: Sep 13, 2009		 Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 214  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 224 / page 4 of 6
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Jeannie   
Dec 1, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

Hey Sean and Simone, I didn't mean to leave you out as my teachers of iambic pentameter! I just now realized that I started a new thread...so, did I finally get it right?

Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "Stop playing video games! " - Commonapp Short Answer and Personal Essay. [6]

Psst< you out there, we need another opinion...

so can I use "Let get it started" ? or should i think of another sentence?

Well, Gerald, I was leaving that up to you and also hoping for another opinion (tap, tap, anybody there :)...I would leave it out and let the examiner have the last word; the whole essay is about the exam and how it affected your attitude toward difficult situations, yeah?

Sorry to neglect your other essay...I've been under the weather. I'll take a look tomorrow (well...tonight). My schedule is all messed up! Haha!

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 3, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

when days are darkest
feet firmly planted in clouds
yields visible sun...

...And if I could be a thought or a tree,
a tree I would be by damn;
for if in my mind a thought were as fine,
tonight I would sleep like a lamb! :D

...I like mixin' it up :D These are separate poems, don't yell. The first is 5-7-5 Haiku, and that last part is a limerick but still has the workings of IP.

Off to "nighty-night"...my Zoo is slanting me looks...
Jeannie   
Dec 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old, I am not solidified; my future yet to be determined. Always growing, always changing, always learning.

Simple switcheroo of punctuation here?

I am many things, but as a seventeen-year-old, I am not solidified <hmmm, not so sure I like this word My future is yet to be determined; always growing, always changing, always learning...

Ooops! I just saw all the excellent feedback you have already gotten! < jeannie hangs head in chagrin...

Yer good.
Jeannie   
Dec 3, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

Insomnia...

Cast clues and rope, my one true hope is caught
and in the reach my eye is pressed and wrought
to shades of thumping rhythm I go not
'cept in this realm where beg begins begot.

I hope there is medication for this sudden affliction. I'm talking about the metered poetry...:}

It goes on; these manic, insomniac, moments...

Alone

If I saw you in your naked soul
The one place where the winds don't blow
I would still feel the breeze outside
an island stands alone, alone
Atol, atol comfort me
stand against this cold
surround me in your winds of fancy
wave and sea and soul
bleed, Stars, freely!
Moon, send out your beam of light
to chase away this dark-cold comfort
and warm that which is right!
Or go, atol! Atol,
I need you now or cold
which is it to be tonight
a restless world or bold?
~Jeannie...g'night, no, really...
Jeannie   
Dec 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / Gun Shy - to communicate with my Cultural Diversity teacher [4]

I need to communicate with my Cultural Diversity teacher, is this ok?? I am trying to be professional, but I am afraid of assuming I understand and then getting it wrong.I am seriously gun-shy at this point...

Hi, Professor,



It's ten minutes until I have to hand in this week's assignment. I am still only in the research phase, and I have to admit that it isn't going to happen; not tonight, I have no focus.

The problem is the fundamental question, "Who am I?" and that other one, "What am I?" All I know for sure is that I am light-skinned with blond hair. I have gray eyes, and I am tall, slender, and kinda goofy. There is no one to ask, you see, my family is dead and they didn't talk to me when they were alive, well, not about anything that didn't have to do with immediate concerns. Children were hopefully seldom seen, and they were never ever heard in my family, so if I had a question it went unanswered until my follies generated a stern lecture about decorum and a swift swat on my behind. I was too afraid to ask where we came from, and no one cared to offer that information to a girl-child.

My Other-Mom ( my great-grandmother on my Father's side) spoke with an accent that was hard to understand but I loved her best-of-all. She died when I was eight. My Mother's father also spoke with an accent, lilting and lovely to my little ears, and I remember him bouncing me quite jarringly on his knee...and then I guess he died too. My Father left and had children when I was four (step-siblings that I have never met; from the Philippines, no less), and died when I was twelve; I never knew him past bedtime stories. My mother was...complicated, and she did not want to talk about her family history. She died with so many unspoken explanations that I can't even express it to you.

The bottom line is that I have to make something up about my ethnicity. I have never pursued it, so I have to start from scratch. Maybe I am Irish? But now I have to learn all about the Irish history; maybe I am English, and my history is vastly different where the points and questions of the assignment are concerned. I am very good at research, and I have learned a lot about both ethnicities, but how do I say that is what I am if I have no clue? Why can't I just pick an ethnicity and pretend it is mine? Would the world stop turning if I learned about racism, prejudice, and our society's history of intolerance through the eyes of a darkie as my father's family would say? What if I did the assignment as someone from Turkey or India or Egypt or Italy? The point is that I gain an understanding about the societal values throughout history as relates to race and ethnicity.

Please permit me to make up my own ethnic background and I will have this assignment in to you tomorrow without submitting substandard work. I know much about many cultures, but I just don't really know if they are mine. I would rather get 10% off an A, than 30% off for lies even if I could get away with it. The syllabus says to choose my own ethnicity, and I need your permission to choose an ethnicity.

Thanks for your consideration and patience.
Jeannie   
Dec 5, 2009
Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

My mom used to get so mad if any of us said "these ones" or "those ones." She would actually attack us with her fists.

~Always have a steady supply of bing cherries on hand for those "special moments.
Jeannie   
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Stop playing video games! " - Commonapp Short Answer and Personal Essay. [6]

I guess there will be a lot of poeple writing about playing piano because it is really a wide hobby.

This is excellent advise, Xu! I will take it with me if you don't mind...(Jeannie trot's off into the sunrise with a suitcase full of great advise...)

Blue skies! I hope to be up and running at top speed soon! Ish! I feel like @#7&*(*$#@. <that means "yucky" in comic-book speak...

Jeannie

Just my 2 cents worth.

...Yep, try a bazillion $ worth! Well said, Isaac!

Gerald, please take this to heart; your passion is evident but one-sided. Reach for more dimension! I know you have it, I just don't know what it is. Pretend another aspect of "you" is a minor chord - that rich, dark, secret love, and tell a story about it with the same grace and vigor you use to describe the intimate workings of the piano pieces. It will all be good then.
Jeannie   
Dec 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / Gun Shy - to communicate with my Cultural Diversity teacher [4]

Isn't the purpose of the class to understand cultural diversity (which means beyond your own??)

Yeah, that was my point as well. I hope he is cool with it. How can I write about my own ethnicity if I don't know what it is? DNA testing, anyone?? :) I went ahead and chose Irish just in case...jeesh, I had no idea how horribly the Irish were treated here back when (till they pretty much took over the police force and such, hehe).
Jeannie   
Dec 6, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

++

The majority (were/was) young students, but some were middle-aged citizens looking for menial employment."

Great question. The majority was. The people were. It is a matter of singular and plural. I see that others have explained as much already in this thread.

It does have every thing to do with singular or plural subjects, but tense must also be considered in order to understand when to use were vs. was (both past tense forms of be). So, if you break up your sentence, Jonathan, and identify the subject in the first part (students<plural), then we know we have to use the past tense plural of be which is were.

Did I explain that right? Hmmm. OK, think about it in first, second, or third person - (I, you, it -singular, or we, you, they - plural).

I was, you are, it is < all singular states of "being" in the present. (
I was, you were, it was < all singular states of "being" in the past.

Since your students were plural but are now singular, they were the majority but are now the minority. Now, a single student is leaving because she is tired...I wish she wasn't.

The most important clue will be the status of your subject, be careful about identifying it correctly.
:D

"Sometimes while filling out papers, I sat back and wondered about all these people.

Ok...now..."while filling, I sat." Is there something wrong here??

I know that wasn't your question, so I am stepping away from the keyboard! ;)
Jeannie   
Dec 7, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

If I were to ask you about that wrong sentence, I would be straying from my first question.
And if that were not bad enough, I would be wasting your time. :|

You never waste my time! I think you have much to offer, and your questions are thought provoking - I find myself having to go run away and learn stuff...I live for that.

I am not supposed to be up, but I don't have my laptop and I have things to do! ...had some minor surgical complications and my foot and leg keeps ballooning up quite impressively!

Long story...anyway, about that sentence...

I can't pinpoint it because I am having a brain cramp, but... something to do with the word "sometimes" putting you in the present tense. I dunno, just feels weird. Might very well be me at this point. I am soooo tired! Sorry.

("putting" <that looks wrong too! Puting, pudding? Must be the meds...8)
**dragged away by unseen forces**

**crawls back, kicking at the bony hand clasped tightly around her ankle**

I think we should have more of these threads! It is a great teaching/learning tool, and many of us can benefit by shared knowledge, experience, and research.

I would like to know, for instance, why every one says "that" when it should be "who." "I am the one who asked that question" vs. "I am the one that asked that question" see?

**bony fingers clamp painfully...Blue skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies!
Jeannie   
Dec 7, 2009
Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]

cuts &
(if rid of weather)- trims morsels of time

I love this except the part in parentheses...I don't understand that part if it is indeed a part of the poem (I put things in parentheses as a side note and grammar be damned!).

"cuts and trims morsels of time" <I really love this! Especially with the follow-up,
"birthdays assembled in a riddle on the foor
a chronology"
What a unique way of looking at a haircut :) clap!
This was a pleasure to read, Zhang!
Jeannie   
Dec 7, 2009
Poetry / "On 'Virtue'" - a poem writing assignment for my Lit class [8]

United they are, but with principles of sheep,

I would lose the but altogether if it were mine...

Their unruliness of procession

Is my sole confession,

For while they may shout and leap,

holding lofty principles of sheep, (??)

Righteous activism present only in the shepherd.

Kevin is right; it is a bit unruly. I like it, though. Hmmm. I even get the message (the bit up there reminded me about "activists" who proclaim themselves "grass-roots" when they are merely spouting, by rote, the rhetoric of influential others).

My assertion would be by you confirmed,

If you but asked the flock concerned.

I am not reading any assertion. Did you perhaps leave it out? If there never was one, then you need to make one, otherwise the last two verses don't make sense.

I think I understand the way Virtue ties in. Virtue is absent in those who blindly follow others along a path that may harbor certain grave consequences.

Blue skies! Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 7, 2009
Poetry / "On 'Virtue'" - a poem writing assignment for my Lit class [8]

I am quoting pheelyks from the "am I getting the metrics?" thread (I don't know how to cross threadlines to quote someone yet...). He said,

"One thing that should NEVER happen, however, is allowing the rhyme and/or meter to take over the poem. Read what you have out loud, and ask yourself if you're truly happy with the meaning of each line and the poem as a whole, or if the rhymes are reaching for it to the point that the poem is stretched beyond recognition.

Wise words.
Jeannie   
Dec 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

who have been, and still continue to be today,

still, continue, and today are all saying essentially the same thing; pick one.

Throughout the essay I will be touching upon these important topics when appropriate

You need a thesis statement, and this isn't it...

According to Gordon Allport, personality is not an abstraction or a fictional phenomena
but rather an entity that exists within an individual and lies behind specific acts and behaviours.
Thus, Allport disagreed with B. F. Skinner's claim that personality was simply a collection of
learned environmental responses.

Need citation here. Also may want to consider adding in-text cite after According to Gordon Allport (2009) <something like that if appropriate..(you are referring to him, so he deserves proper citation...) I see that you have cited a little later in this paragraph, but by the time the reader gets to it, it is unclear to whom (of the many) you are referring.<I sounded like Miss Manners there a little bit :)

That each person confronts and
responds to an environmental experience differently is best captured by Allport's statement

"The idea that..." might work better with the word "captures,' otherwise there is nothing in the sentence to capture.
Jeannie   
Dec 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

(1961, p. 72, as cited in Hergenhahn, Olson, & Cramer, 2003).
BTW, I don't know what format you are using, so I am not sure if this is correct. But if you are using APA, it is not correct.
Jeannie   
Dec 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

(Hergenhahn, Olson, & Cramer, 2003)

The paper is interesting and flows nicely so far (I am only at the half-way mark), but there are some citation issues. For one, you mention Hergenhahn, Olson, & Cramer, 2003, a lot. If you are using APA, you only have to spell it all out the first time - after that, you can simply say "et al." Let me know what style you are using. Another thing, watch out for secondary sources; if someone is cited as a reference in another text, they will be a secondary source to you...

You make many assertions throughout the paper, but you have no thesis. Gather your assertions from the body, and use them to mold your primary thesis.

How long do you have before this is submitted? Editing time is commensurate with the length of the essay, of course, so this may take awhile. There are quite a few minor things that you can fix yourself with another sentence-by-sentence read-through.

I look forward to your reply.

Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Poetry / "On 'Virtue'" - a poem writing assignment for my Lit class [8]

Yet, if I don't try to make a poem rhyme from the onset, it just doesn't "feel" like a proper poem to me.

I discover this in my own poems! It is frustrating sometimes, but easily fixed - I just figure out what I want to say and switch the rhyming words out for something that fits better. >psst.. I even use the thesaurus from time to time, but don't tell anybody :)

Try it! That is why I shared the advise from pheelyks about the rhymes not taking over your whole message. You can always change words to rhyme, but it is impossible to build a message around rhyming words.

"ask yourself if you're truly happy with the meaning of each line and the poem as a whole"

Your message is worth the effort of revision, I think, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with! Even after you have to hand it in for the assignment deadline, I hope you will work it to its deserved perfection :)
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Research Papers / Starting an Original Research Paper on Teen Pregnancy [8]

Your thesis, if you used the ideas here, would be an assertion that the socioeconomic impact of teen pregnancy causes a never-ending cycle of ignorance and poverty, as well as perpetuating the lack of family and societal support structures that are necessary to build a productive life.

I just made that up as an example, but you get the drift...expand your first sentence, basically, but use it at the end of the first paragraph.

The first paragraph, or thesis paragraph, should hold all the "bullet points" of the essay in a very brief and general sense with the strong assertion of the purpose of your paper. The outline is literally your bullet points and sub-points. An outline is a very handy tool for organizing your thoughts. Once you have an informal outline (I often use free-writing to plan an initial outline), you can refer to it as you go along in the general research phase in order to keep your thoughts organized. With some research and a clear plan of action, you can make up your formal outline. This is the outline you will use for the paper, and it will be your guide throughout the writing and research process.

Hope this helps! If you need an example outline, I might be able to figure out how to link one of mine on here. (I am terrible at links for some strange reason...)
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Research Papers / Starting an Original Research Paper on Teen Pregnancy [8]

PS. I usually use a pen and paper for the free-writing and rough outline - one blank page per bullet (main topic I, II, III) and write the 1a,b,c,ect, as I find more info for that topic. Each page is a scribbly mess by the time I am ready to put finger to keyboard, but I have lots of ideas in my head by then! :)

"have been out of school for so long seem to have forgotten how to write a term paper also how do i put an outline for the essay"

...I feel your pain - I felt like I never knew it at all, which is highly possible considering I was far from a "good student" in HS...thirty year ago...) I've been going full time for over a year now, so far so good! Keep plugging along (glad you found this site...I wish I had earlier!)
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Graduate / 'May Fate reward your diligence' - do me a favor to check my diversity essy [7]

Hi, Wang!

I am sorry to say that this has nothing whatsoever to do with diversity...it barely touches on adversity...It would be more appropriate for a "why do you want to study a particular field" prompt. This won't work for diversity though.

Wish I could help more than simply answering your question, but there is your answer at least. :)

Blue Skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

The followings are my reasons. I wanted to point something out that I saw a lot of in your essay. You tend to put S's at the end of the wrong words in order to pluralize a sentence. In the example above, you have followings when following is being used as a verb for "what follows." I am not explaining this very well, haha! Just be carefu,l when adding an "s" to a word, that you want that word to express more than one.

That said, It is unnecessary to tell a reader what is going to follow. If you write it, they can't help but see what follows if they continue to read...

I disagree with the statement that people who (...) can not be friends <"people" is plural so "friends" should be plural . The followings are my reasons.

First of all, learning a lot of different experience, people can get more aspects to solve a diversity of difficulties.people learn from experience, and the more exposure they have to diverse backgrounds, the better equipped they are to deal with problems .

... it may help them and provide more manners forsolutions to problems.
... my roommate, John, ga ve me a lot of shared with me his experience interacting with other people; in addition, he invited me to join a lot of partiestogether. Therefore, he which helped me meet ...
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Writing Feedback / Creativity has always played a big role in humans' development history. [5]

reativity has always played a big role in humans' development history.

Human creativity has played a large role in the development of the species. Without the capacity to imagine and create, we would have stalled and died out long before we ever evolved enough to heat our caves or cover our bodies to insulate against the cold.

Psst...I agree! :)
Jeannie   
Dec 9, 2009
Graduate / 'May Fate reward your diligence' - do me a favor to check my diversity essy [7]

Look up the word "diversity" first, this might give you some inspiration. I also suggest cruising this site for other essays for the same prompt (there are many), and that may give you an idea about where to start.

The Statement of Purpose is a different thing altogether, but your essay here comes very close, so I would work on this essay to that end.

Look around the site for a little bit so you get a better idea what is being asked of you.

PS:the university suggests the diversity essy is more important.

It makes sense considering University life is fraught with different cultures, personalities, programs, courses of study, courses you hate, and classes you love. Your ability to adapt to diverse environments will be sorely tested in college, so I imagine they would like to know if you can hack it. ;)
Jeannie   
Dec 10, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

Thanks Jeanie!! I'll do the other half.

...you kickin' me out, Kevin?? :D You would be breaking my heart; I like helping with TOEFL essays! I get to calm down a bit and think about how to explain things...valuable learning for me. :)

K. Any way...I ain't goin' nowhere, teehee!< bad bad grammar!

Furthermore, learning a lot of different interests, people can expand their horizons.

"Furthermore" seems snobbish here; it would be better if you said it plainly.

"People can expand their horizons by developing different interests..

Furthermore, learning a lot of different interests, people can expand their horizons. Nowadays, a great amount of people should pay attention to their work in this high tempo era

"...A narrow-minded focus can impede (??) both social and professional growth, especially in today's high-tempo environment."

new paragraph...
(...the way I think of paragraphs is like a pathway through the forest with pieces of candied fruit leading my way and the tinkle of a waterfall in the distance; I want to walk some more...

lead your reader with pieces of word candy - information - that will compel them to read what comes next. :)
This is a good essay,Wang! I believe in the message you bring and the arguments you make! Outstanding! I hope I am helping to clean it up a bit. If my explanations are unclear, please let me know.

Blue skies! Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

Ain't got a place in the dictionary! It is a valid word. :-)

I know! "Crimany", a perfectly awesome word that I have been using all my life, isn't in there, but "ain't" got a spot? Crimany!

I know your intention, btw, I was just kiddin' around. I know what you mean, and fresh eye-balls are a very good thing!

Thanks!
Jeannie   
Dec 12, 2009
Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

Even though, I handed the essay in, I would still like to improve it for future purposes.

Hi, Justin!

I know what you mean about finals...l<8O I was just being cheeky.

If you want our help tightening-up the copy you submitted for class, just post it here; no need to start a new thread. I hope you get an "A!" :) It is really interesting (all new material for me...).

Thanks for the clarification on the secondary sources (I was worried for you :D).

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 12, 2009
Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]

hope that makes sense.

Well...yes, now that you gave me that lengthy explanation! Haha! Perhaps it is just me. Do most of the people you show this to understand without asking? If the answer is "yes," then erase everything I say. teehee. But I think you can come up with something a little clearer without losing the morsel part (I love that).

Poetry should have a certain amount of ambiguity and mystery, I think, while steering clear of perplexity or incomprehension (she says while writing yet another nonsensical haiku). :)

I don't mean to nit-pick, I'm just giving one opinion.

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

Hi, Justin!

This paper is really interesting; I had no idea these kinds of studies had advanced this far. Good stuff.
Your paragraphs flow smoothly, and the vast majority of your sentences were very clear. All in all, a good read! I am not fluent in the topic, but I did find a couple of things that I wanted to bring to your attention:

Adam et al. (2007) compared neural activation to preferred sexual stimuli and non- preferred sexual stimuli in heterosexual and homosexual men and discovered that within the amygdala the latter had greater activity for preferred sexual stimuli than the former, suggesting the possibility that male homosexual brains may be characterized by atypical patterns of neural activity.

This sentence is so long, I lost track of what's going on! :) Also, this confused me, "...latter had greater activity for preferred sexual stimuli than the former,..."

an online BBC survey involving 159,779 respondents revealed that older brothers increased the odds of homosexuality in men.

Revealed that having older brothers...

It appears that the fraternal birth order effect has no bearing on female sexuality (Bogaert, 1997). Bogaert (2006) demonstrated that only the number of biological older brothers, and not any other siblings, such as non-biological brothers, significantly predicted homosexuality in men. Moreover, rearing time with older siblings, whether biological or non- biological, had no effect on sexual orientation, suggesting a prenatal origin to the fraternal birth order effect.

This is fascinating!

non-right-handed males

...Left-handed males?

foetus

Is this a typo, or is it just how y'all spell fetus? It seems I have seen it spelled that way...Oh, ok, you used it several more times, so it must be the acceptable spelling. Why is it spelled different here, I wonder? anyway...

Sexual orientation, like gender, is not a fixatedfixed entity for which criteria can easily be defined.

Furthermore, Alexander (2000) comments that research on human sexuality should employ the "double confirmation method", whereby sexual dimorphism is established before sexual orientation differences. In other words, a firm understanding of the biological differences between the sexes is necessary before researchers can even consider the possible prenatal factors involved in sexual orientation.

True! I always wondered how they could even begin to understand or study the vagaries of homosexuality vs. bisexuality (and everything in between...) when we don't really have a significant understanding of human sexuality to begin with. Interesting.

Future research should take a scientific interactionist approach to studying sexual orientation, which acknowledges the importance of both biology and the environment. Such an approach is likely to produce more cogent findings than the current "nature or nurture" approaches.

This is a great final statement.

If you change nothing, it is still very well written!
Jeannie   
Dec 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

You seem to be an expert on essay writing

Ha! Not hardly, but I learn more and more every day I spend here.

Reading and putting a critical eye on other people's writing really helps me see my own errors; for instance, I tend to make really long sentences and use the "passive voice" a lot, but I don't recognize it when I read my own writing - others have to point it out to me (hopefully before the teacher does!)

I just got done with your other paper, and I thought it was excellent - I learned so much!

Since you aren't in a time crunch on this one, I will be back to take a look. You will see it in your threads when anyone replies. Till then...

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "If you can dream, you can do it." - Art Institute of San Francisco Application Essay [6]

This essay is nicely planned, Maria, and the information is comprehensive! Great place to start. There are some sentence and paragraph structure issues, but they are easily fixed:

Some of my earliest memories recall are of bright, sunlit days spent playing with endless toys- all from Disney animated films. a vast sea of toys that were based on characters from Disney animated films. My room was a homage to the movies: a princess-themed bedroom set, plushies from various of the films (m y favorite being a giant Mufasa plushie), and shelves with entire collections of toys from the movies.

I would switch your order around when you list the items in your room so we can get rid of the parentheses...

" My room was a homage to the Disney movies: a princess-themed bedroom set, a collection of characters lining the shelves, and plushies from various films scattered across the floor. My favorite was a giant stuffed 'Musafa'."

I messed up somehow, and now I keep having to go back and forth between editing screens and your post...I will see if the Moderator's can help me delete this and start over, otherwise it will take forever...Don't worry, I'll be back :)

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "I had a crush on Jennifer" - Essay Prompt [8]

Hi, Roy!

I will be happy to help with your essay! This is a very rough draft, though, so I have a request first :).

Read your writing out loud, to yourself or someone else, sentence by sentence, and fix the parts that don't make sense or that don't flow well. Then re-post this (as a close-to-final draft hopefully...) and we can start. Here is one small part that needs fixing:

"Before the new quarter of running start courses started," See?

See ya tomorrow!

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 14, 2009
Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

but how do you pronounce it?

Crime-en-ee with the accent on the first syllable.
A sentence might go like this, "Crimany, doesn't anybody work around here?"

I'll need you to 1.) provide it in an iambic line

lest ears might hear a blasphemous oath, be still
let "crimany" be a stand-in for your will

yeah, yeah, whaddya want under this kind of pressure? The whole future of a word is at stake!

2.) tell me a word that rhymes with it

Crimany! Ya stymied me! Mheep! <BTW I just discovered that sesame street purloined my onomatopoeia!

Thanks for reassuring me that I hadn't been using some weird, made-up, word all this time that nobody else knew..
Jeannie   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "I had a crush on Jennifer" - Essay Prompt [8]

Great advise, y'all!

That was not a change I wanted to make. You have repeated this phrase thrice in 2 lines- seems a bit generic.. change it up a bit.

After you started dating, did you just gain confidence from dating a pretty girl? I don't quite understand.

I agree. I got the sense that your entire relationship (not to disrespect your relationship) was initially based on superficiality and it didn't really grow much in the telling... If you are determined to use this topic, it would behoove you to show growth in the process.

Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "If you can dream, you can do it." - Art Institute of San Francisco Application Essay [6]

This idea has me jumping up and down! Yes! This would totally set you apart!
Great advise, Kevin! (and thanks for the good catch! yes, I can post now :)

OK, I look forward to your reply, Maria. Let us know what you think, and feel free to ask questions. I really think this essay has a lot of potential.

Blue skies and soft, velvet, plushies! ;)

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Dec 14, 2009
Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

Right here, you sort of leave the reader hanging.

The whole rest of the paper is spent telling about the research findings; it is an excellent segue in my opinion...P.S. No bullets allowed in APA. :)

Oops, I just read ahead to your post, Justin, and I see that you already responded...well, at least we are a united front! teehee!

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