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Posts by pianogirl246
Joined: Sep 19, 2009
Last Post: Oct 5, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 20  

Displayed posts: 23
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pianogirl246   
Oct 5, 2009
Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]

Thanks so much!
Yes, I would never think that those hardships are people's fault...I would definitely speak of the little obstacles people face.
I really do understand what some people go through is not their fault. Still undecided as to whether I'm going to use it.

Thanks again =)
pianogirl246   
Oct 4, 2009
Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]

One of UCF's essay questions asks to explain the circumstances of a personal or academic obstacle or bump in the road in our life. Do you think they'd except an essay that talks about why there are obstacles for people (only because they allow them to be) and expand on that idea?

Any advice will be appreciated =)
pianogirl246   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

I did end up keeping this topic. I fixed it and I think it makes more sense now. Let me know what you think. (Topic: describe obstacle in ACADEMIC/PERSONAL life and describe the circumstances)

As I nervously tapped my pencil on my desk and stared at my calculus test, I only drew a blank. It wouldn't matter how many hours I spent studying the past night or how many times I would try to recall the steps for solving the problem; I still did not know the answer. I went through this torture throughout the whole test, and before I knew it, time was up.

Up to that point, school had always been my number one priority. I always did my homework, turned my assignments in on time, and never did I once put less than 110% effort toward anything I did. It was hard to admit passing calculus was not going to be an easy task, yet I told myself I would not let this one course keep me from doing my best.

No sooner did I take action, coming in early and staying late after school so my teacher could thoroughly take me step by step through each homework problem. My parents lent a hand by also hiring a tutor for me who really helped me grasp the simple concepts of calculus, from basic derivatives to solving limits. In turn, I not only pulled my grade up significantly but understood what calculus was. Due to all the assistance I had, I was ready to dominate the next test. Not once did I come across a question I was not able to solve. My ability to overcome this academic obstacle, as well as acing that test, felt amazing.
pianogirl246   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay [4]

Wow! I really enjoyed reading your essay. I had to read it too, and I loved the book as well.

This essay is very well written.

Good luck =)

Please comment my FSU Essay and see if you like it; it sure wont surpass yours, though...
pianogirl246   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life [7]

FSU Essay Revised... Please Comment

Here's my final draft; let me know what you think. We are suppsed to explain how one of the latin words Vires, Mores and Artes are reflected in our life and I did Mores which represents character, custom or tradition.

Throughout my life I have developed several passions that have greatly affected my life: my intense love for children, my ability to play musical instruments such as piano, violin and guitar, and my aptitude in the art of cooking. However, one passion has greatly influenced the person I am today and sets me apart from the others; that is my longing to give back to my community.

In my freshman year of high school, I knew that receiving community service hours each year would be a requirement. Though this was the case, there was a part of me that wanted to volunteer, for the benefit of others and the satisfaction, not the hours. This feeling prompted me to take action.

First, I became a volunteer at the local hospital, Holy Cross. Knowing my future would involve helping others in some way, a local hospital was the perfect place to go. I began volunteering once a week for four hours, greeting and transporting visitors as well as delivering flowers and cards to patients' rooms. My favorite was when I brought up a beautiful bouquet of flowers to an elderly woman on the fifth floor; though she was ill, she was extremely ecstatic to see me place it by her bedside. "Thank you so much, young lady; you have no idea how wonderful it felt knowing those flowers are for me!" These heart-warming experiences are what kept me returning each week.

Volunteering at the hospital encouraged me to take part in more programs. During my sophomore year, my mom introduced me to a program known as Haiti's Hope, created to help aide the poor in Haiti. On an early Saturday morning, a group of us enthusiastic to help spent hours collecting and packaging items that would be delivered to those that needed them the most. Within these boxes were necessities such as diapers, clothes, shoes, children's books, furniture, medical supplies, food and much more. As I watched the truck depart at the end of the day, I realized that in just days, many less fortunate people would be greatly benefited, and I could proudly say I was part of this accomplishment. The happiness I obtained from the first project inspired me to be involved with their second. Later that year, a spaghetti dinner was held at a local church in order to raise money to construct wells so the people of Haiti would have access to fresh water. I was overwhelmed by how great I felt knowing the simple things I did would make a world of difference for others.

The community service I have performed in the past years has truly built my inner character and shaped me into the person I am today; that is why the Latin word "mores", which represents character, custom or tradition, reflects my life the most. The hours I dedicated have convinced me to continue through college and wherever life takes me. I know community service will be a significant part of my life. Due to the amount of happiness and self-fulfillment I have gained, I am looking forward to becoming a part of the service community at Florida State University as well.
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I'm like a lot of things" - Is this good? UCF/Tufts [6]

I like the fact that your essay is unique. I do, however, think it could be a little bit longer and maybe you could elaborate more/give more details. Other than that I think youre on the right path =)
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

By the way Llamapoop123, if I tweeked it a little bit, do you think this essay would be somewhat strong? Or would it still be too uninteresting? Strictly asking for your opinion now, thanks.

hey thanks so much! i like it too im just trying to figure ways of improving so everyone else thinks it is, too.

its really nice to hear good feedback! thanks so much =) again!
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

wow, no way! well i mean there are some obstacles, but I assume that the one they want us to describe is what has really changed us, and that's why I did one on this subject, but it seems like everyone else is bored by it so im not exactly sure how to solve this problem.

And by the way Llamapoop123, I most likely won't be doing that.
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

Thanks for the advice! The only difference is that my parents got divorced when I was 2, and now even though they are divorced it hasn't been that big of an obstacle. I guess I'll just have to find something else... whatever it takes to write a good essay, I guess.

Thanks again =)
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Diagnosed with (ITP) +an underprivileged household - UCF Admission Essays [5]

Both of your essays are good. Your first essay, with a few corrections can be very powerful seeing as what you've been through. Your second essay also needs some fixing, and I feel like you should expand a little more (in detail) on growing up in an underpriveledged home. Other than that, I loved how you ended your essay and the lesson you learned!
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / " The impact my parent's divorce" - UCF- hopefully original [5]

I really like your last sentence, but I feel like you should describe more on the differences in living in Florida and Canada. It seems as though you talk more on how the divorce has helped you rather than the obstacle of the divorce itself. Otherwise, I liked your essay a lot, going through a similar experience.
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

The whole point was that I've always been a great student, keeping school as my number one priority.I've always worked hard and have always acheived really good grades, so calculus was the first time I worked hard and wasn't getting good results. How can I bring this out through my essay?

[Honestly, I think that you should choose a new obstacle.. the admission officers probably wouldnt be interested in this because many students go through a struggle with a new subject.(danceislife_e)]-- I would have to disagree, personally because people have different perspectives. It might not seem like that to you, but it certainly was for me.

Please help Llamapoop123 !
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Undergrad Essay on obstacle--how is my essay? [30]

Here's my first UCF essay. Please feel free to give me advice on how to improve--thanks. Heres the topic: If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances:

I sat there, nervously tapping my pencil on my desk, staring at my calculus test, drawing a blank inside my head. It wouldn't matter how many times I closed my eyes and tried to recall the steps as to how to solve number one; I still didn't know the answer. I remember going through this torture throughout the whole test, and before I knew it, time was up.

This wasn't the first time I had experienced this, either. From day one, there wasn't a day I didn't spend hours on end trying to understand the basics, whether it was simple limits or basic derivatives. Test after test, I watched my grade rapidly decrease to the point of failure. Being an avid student, this couldn't be happening to me. It was at this time I realized I needed to do whatever it took to bring my grade back up.

Coming in early and staying late after school, I had my teacher thoroughly take me step by step through every homework problem. My parents also hired a tutor who really helped me grasp the concepts, in turn, helping me not only pull my grade up but understand what I was actually doing. By the end of the first semester, I raised my grade from an F to a B+. Reflecting back, I've never worked so hard to do well in school. I now know the endless hours I dedicated to that class was the biggest obstacle I've ever encountered and overcome.
pianogirl246   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic [14]

I agree. Expand more on how his death was an obstacle for you rather than on how he died.

Other than that, great essay so far--keep up the good work!
pianogirl246   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life [7]

What is the best way to improve this mistake? Any suggestions? And I'd like to just mention that the reason I included the definition again at the beginning of each paragraph is so they would know which latin word I was reffering to. I would still appreciate any other ideas you would have in order to make it better. Thanks for your time

=)
pianogirl246   
Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life [7]

I just wrote this FSU essay (Explaining how the latin terms Vires Mores and Artes are reflected in my life). I only have around 19 words left in order to finish but I wanted to get feedback on how my essay is at the moment. Please feel free to critique and let me know how you feel about it! Thanks

My essay:

Upon personal reflection, I can say with confidence that the Latin terms "Vires, Artes, and Mores" represent how I live my life on a daily basis. "Vires" represents moral, physical and intellectual strength. "Artes" signifies the beauty in skill, art and craft. And "mores" refers to character and tradition. Whether it is my past, my present, or my future, these words greatly echo who I am as a person and how I can benefit Florida State University, as well as the surrounding community.

The word "vires" is defined as strength in many ways; I believe one of my best personal qualities is my moral strength. In today's society, it is extremely difficult for young people to stay true to themselves. Many focus on things such as their popularity status or things they should do to gain acceptance from others, losing sight of what really is important. Growing up and witnessing both family and friends become victims of these situations has helped me be the better person and has kept my priorities straight. As a result, I feel I have done well not only academically but also with steering clear of the same pressures hundreds of other teens have succumbed to each day.

"Artes" signifies the beauty within skills, arts and crafts. Unlike many people, I have a special talent in the art of music, being able to play three different instruments. Back in elementary school, fourth grade to be exact, I had a desire to learn the piano and the violin. Both are extremely complex in playing styles, but I came to realize how easily I picked them both up, not to mention the ability to read and learn sheet music a lot faster than the average musician. Until this day, I'm still involved in my music; I love it so much that I recently started to teach myself the guitar. Music has always been a way to escape from my busy schedule, but mostly one of the few ways I can truly express myself.

A person's character, custom and tradition are represented by the term "mores." I have come to recognize how the community service I have performed has built my inner character. Community service has been an enormous priority in my life. I never felt obligated like most people; I just really wanted to give back my time. The past four years I've dedicated four hours a week at a local hospital greeting visitors, delivering cards and flowers, along with so much more. I have also been involved in Key Club at my school, donating items for fundraisers and working at churches. I was also given the opportunity to help package and ship items as part of the Haiti's Hope organization designed to provide certain necessities for people that are in dire need. Each service hour has helped me want to continue to volunteer through college and hopefully beyond.
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