Posts by athachng2002

athachng2002

Oct 9, 2019

Writing Feedback / Prognosis - The proportion of US energy being produced and consumed from 1950 to 2000 [2]

trends of us energy productions

The line graph illustrates the proportion of US energy being produced and consumed from 1950 to 2000, together with the prediction in 2025. It is divided into 3 stages of 25 years.

Overall, there is an onward trend in these two figures over 75 years, during which the energy consumption rate outweighed the amount that America produced.

With regards to energy production, the period of time between 1950 and 1975 saw a substantial rise from 25 to 60 units. After 1975, however, the number fluctuated and only increased a mere 5% in 2000. It is predicted to be followed by a less considerable increase until it reached 80 units in 2025.

The consumption rate, on the other hand, had a more constant increase. Although it followed the same pattern to the other during the first 25 years, the trend returned to its former speed after fluctuation. 90 units of energy was used up in 2000, and the number may jump enormously to 130 in 2025.

athachng2002

Oct 9, 2019

Writing Feedback / Several people argue that a part of secondary school programs should be a social job for free [3]

Hi @Masrurotin,

The first question I want to ask:" Do you think your sentences are way too long?" I mean, you can shorten it and make it more easy to understand, without including too much unnecessary information. Let take your 1st argument as an example. I'll write:" It gives them the opportunity to interact with the community and hence adopt a sense of real life."

Secondly, your ideas are kind of vague and too broad, so I don't think I can distinguish between the 2 benefits you mentioned. Try to be more specific and straightforward.

Lastly, examples. The first one is rather too long, just paraphrase it and add more supporting sentences. That would be more persuasive.

Don't worry, these mistakes are supposedly easy to be fixed, so keep on working more and be open to feedback. Oh, you also should read to band descriptors to know how your essays are marked, and then you know what aspects you need to improve.

Good luck with your journey!

athachng2002

Oct 9, 2019

Writing Feedback / Student Living in schools - it bring real benefits [2]

Hi @noname12,

Basically, I think you should work more on grammar and vocabulary. There are many repeated words like "Access document" "themselves" "living in schools" or even linking words like "for example".... and you can possibly find other ways to express them. Moreover, you made some grammatical mistakes, such as "..." This should be corrected into:" when living in schools helps students get easier access to documents and learn to live independently."

Some linking words are used inappropriately and mechanically. You don't need to begin with "For example" to introduce an example.

The last thing, but the most important one, is you should learn to develop your ideas. Just have a look at the 3rd paragraph. I don't think I can get more information if I continue reading the 3 supporting sentences. You mention the library and computers, which is specific but not enough.

I hope my advice can help you somehow. Good luck :D

athachng2002

Oct 7, 2019

Writing Feedback / Investigations of the committed crimes and the right to view on offenders' past convictions [2]

access to the defendant's past criminal record

It is obvious that past events play an inevitable role in understanding certain motives for committing crimes. In British and Australian laws, however, there is no consideration about past criminal record, which evokes an argument from some lawyers who support taking this aspect into account before coming to the conclusion. Personally,I totally agree with the call for changes in these two nations' policy.

First and foremost, investigations of the crimes committed in the past provide deeper insights into the defendants' progress. A person who was once sent to prison for his act of violence is more likely to get involved in illegal fight, judging on his natural instincts and personality orientation. The more we understand about an individual's past, we bigger picture we can depict and therefore make a better decision for not missing any important possibility.

Secondly, past-based judgements help the authority to come up with appropriate approaches to deal with the criminals. It is clear that many crimes are committed due to social and family background, which have an enormous impact on a person's behavior and attitude. People who were treated badly and poorly educated as a child tend to act less modernisedly than those receiving proper care. Acknowledging the past criminal record can therefore raise the questions of the effectiveness of applied methods,together with providing education and rehabilitation policy that work for them.

Considering and analysing past events can take a huge amount of time and effort, but eventually increase the acuteness of decisions and possibility of more suitable dealing approaches. Therefore, it is vital for Britain and Australia to change their laws to guarantee a full-development program for criminals and a sustainable future for the society.

athachng2002

Oct 7, 2019

Writing Feedback / Should schools be entertaining or educating? [4]

Hi renzito,
I think there're some aspects you need to work on more to make your essay better.

- Task response: I think you're off the topic. You talked about the necessity in improving education methodology, rather than picking a side and supporting it.

- Lexical resource: I'm amazed at the range of vocabulary you have and your ability to use them appropriately. Keep on your good work here!

- Grammar, I think you should include complex structures. It'll help to improve your band.

Hope my advice can help you. Good luck!

athachng2002

Oct 7, 2019

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Ms materials science and tech [3]

Hi Xphire99,
After reading your essay, I can conclude that you do have a passion, talent are responsible for your decisions, based on your academic achievements, work experience and the event of speaking with CEO (it means a lot). If that is what you want others to think of you, you succeeded.

However, I can't help saying that your essay is unnesassarily long, involving too much insignicant and irrelevant details. It took me tonnes of time to try to get the implicit ideas behind, but they all turned out to be vague. In the first paragraph, you mentioned your past mentality, failures and how you ended up in chemistry, which can be better if you include what lessons you learned from all those events. Moreover, you said your pespectives had changed. Well, from what to what? And does that change is what is needed?

You should also involve emotions, maybe after doing the researches,etc. It helps prove that this major is meant for you, while achivements can only talk about your ability.

About the university, if you can include more specific details about the school and how they meet your own demands, that would be perfect. Those you have talked about are basically what others can read on the internet and conclude their benefits, without considering whethet they work for their case.

Be more specific about you, and less detailed into what you cannot see the purpose of their occurence when rereading it, I bet then you're ready to be chosen.

Good luck!

athachng2002

Jul 21, 2019

Writing Feedback / Social celebration and money spent [3]

Thank you so much Maria. Your comment helps me a lot!

athachng2002

Jul 19, 2019

Writing Feedback / Social celebration and money spent [3]

Some people say that celebrations are a waste of money

People often relate celebration as a confirmation of happiness, when music, food, and relations are inherent to be a part of joy. Against the wave of having no problem in spending money on these occasions, there is a strong disapproval in which folks believe such huge wages should not been wasted.

For individuals who consider parties as crucial, these are the most suitable time to share happiness widely and create more memories. Wedding, birthday or a grand opening ceremony are the result of people in their quest for love and success, which mark a meaning in their lives. Getting people involved in these events is a way to tell happy stories and exchange positive emotions. Moreover, the moment when people spend time to come and cheer, dance, sing with party holders creates a memorable piece of life, together with building a much stronger relationship.

In the opposite viewpoint, others may disagree with that way of spending partly due to their objection to showing-off lifestyle. Making a vast investment on celebrations doesn't add more positive feelings to event holders, but rather the temporary satisfaction when their achievement, together with the affordability for big events, reach out to people. More dangerously, it can result in a meaningless money-based tradition, and those not having firm financial background are likely to suffer from unconfidence and self-suspicion.

Personally, I totally disagree with the way in which money are spent uselessly on celebrations. As long as human being continue to depend on the physical values in seeking for inner happiness, in the end what they can find is merely vague experience they have created to impress people.